Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Unique situation? Where we are now...

I have to agree there seems to be a very good vibe! Hope we can hold on to it for as long as we can! I actually did some work today when I was at work instead of sitting there in a haze! Back to building my igloo and hunting moose!

I agree, I've been on a high note for the most part of the day. Focus on keeping the vibe through the weekend...a long one for some of us.

Ok Ladies and Gents, I am home now and the PMA has waned a bit. More of the same from the W. Ambivalence and not much else. Did get her to laugh at the memory of me cooking her fish one time (I do not do seafood).
It was really good to see her smile again. Of course, then I looked at her lips, which are one of her best attributes, and got emotional. Damnit, it's the little things these days...her lips, the lips I may never kiss again...
This sucks...reading goals again...trying to just suck it up and stop doing this to myself but she's right there...right there and I can't do a damn thing about it!
Ok, gonna pull it together now. As if, as if, as if...as if I don't love my wife?
Anyway, power to you all. May you fare better than I am, and it's only been an hour! I gotta do something about this!

TMU

Don't act like you love her...treat her with love. Love comes in many ways...listen to your own advice and be the best personb you can be for her, and be the friend she will always want. The only acting you need is not to project your anxiety, and your guessing on what is going thru her head!
Keep it up TMU. It will get better for you and all of us!
I just thought if she asks you about why you got emmotional you can turn it into a positive of some sort, by flirting with her!
Saying I was just looking at your lips and as crazy as it may sound it is one of the things that I noticed when w first meet?
I don't know any advice out there for TMU?

Thanks tim. I guess kinda like a wave it came and went. I am ok now. I just don't know how to turn off my feelings. I DO know how to conceal them though. I am doing pretty well at that. Earlier she never saw a thing.
It's just that this "time is on your side" things seems to be so far from the truth.
Funny, the most powerful emotion I have had of late, and a part of the roller coaster I have not been on before, is one of apathy. I really felt for awhile that I was done. I just don't care anymore. It isn't worth it. The kids would adjust and if she want to go, then good riddance!
I looked up women on match.com and there are some decent ones out there.
I know this too will pass, but my heart hurts so much and self preservation is driving me toward some really radical thoughts.
I am coping for now, and the rest of the night will probably be ok. I got my rubber band to snap myself when I start thinking too much and I am going to begin operation "dark" in a bit. It should help.

TMU

It's Ok to wonder what else is out there for us! Heck I did it and went on 1 date this summer! After that though it snapped me back to reality! I kept wondering when my wife would realize the "Grass was ain't anymore greener on the other side" and here I was getting ready to graze on some fresh grass! Anyways what I am trying to say it is OK to think about the other side, but as long as you can say to yourself you want to be married to your W regardless of what she does to you, stay the course! You are doing awesome! I am still waiting for my phone call!

OMG Help me!

I swear, my W has the biggest set of balls I've ever seen!
I think I've done pretty well tonight with my "as if" acting. Been upbeat and all that. We watched TV with the kids and put them down. Watched a little more TV. Then I went jogging for a bit. Well, before I left, she asked me where I went when I went out jogging. I said down the road a bit, why? She said she was just wondering and to be careful of the traffic. I said "why, afraid I'll jump?" Yea, I know, not funny and not good DBing. She didn't take it well, saying something like "those comments you make..." I said "what comments" she said, "you know..."
I finished with "just trying to have a sense of humor about things..."
So I get back, take a shower and go downstairs for a drink of water. She's outside in the garage. I can hear her on the phone laughing, it was impossible not to it was so loud.
I turn from the kitchen to go up stairs and after I get up here, she yells up:

H: I feel like I'm being stalked in my own house!
M: Excuse me?
H: Every time I go outside I hear you milling around.
M: So, I live here too.
H: You know what I'm talking about.
M: No, tell me please.
H: Ever since you brought up the phone thing (I told her to stop leaving her phone in her car at night because it was obvious why she did it) you have acted on edge when I go outside for any reason.
M: Why, should I? Are you sneaking around doing something?
H: NO, look, I have some friends I am hanging out with that I have fun with. For the first time in a long time I am enjoying myself. Thats all you need to know. Because you're not involved you're on edge about it.
M: Ok, but you're projecting something on me. I am merely walking in my own house.
H: You know what you're doing.
M: I'm not DOING anything. I'm doing my best in this situation. What more do you want from me?
H: I don't know.
M: Can you understand my situation here like I'm supposed to understand yours?
H: We've talked about this.
M: I know, so we can stop now.
H: Yes.

A minute later...

M: I am truly sorry if you think I am doing that. I assure you I am not.

I left to go to the store at that point.

How f--king dare her make me feel guilty for existing in my own home! If I wanted to spy on her, it would be too easy. This is worse than I expected. Even if I do act "as if" she is still accusing me of being how she expects me to be. F that!
I'm close to the big one guys. Walk me back from the edge. Please. I want SO much to call her on all this crap here and now!

TMU

TMU be strong!
All she is doing is looking for excuses to blaim you for what she is doing! Trust me! You are soing awesome! Her guilt is getting the best of her and to justify what she is doing to you she is trying to think you are spying on her and being sneaky!
My wife did the same thing when we were seperated. She admitted it when we were being truthful and honest in our supposed reconciliation!
Take a deep breath. Go for another run. I know it is hard, but take the high road and be the bigger person and don't buy into her crap!
Remember how we said we manipulate and control...well my friend our wifes took notes and are using back on us! It will pass! I know you want to confront her and call her out but that is what she wants so she can justify getting closer to the OM! Stop giving her bullets!
Remeber your goals and stay on-line since it sounds like you and I have nothing better to do tonite!

TMU,
Some food for thought here...
Along with reading DR I have found another really good book. Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
Please go out and read it today!

It goes along with the principles that Michelle gives in her books but really helps you understand the situation that you are in.

"Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of sorrow that crashes into one's life when a loss is threatened. Nothing else matters. Emotions swing wildly from depair to acceptance and back again. If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to PANIC.
Nothing destroys a relationship more quickly than for a person to throw himself, weeping and clinging at the cool partner. It infuses the wayward spouse with an even greater desire to escape from the leech that threatens to suck his life's blood.....

"The way we behave from day to day is largely a function of how we respect or disrespect the people around us....That's why marital discord almost always emanates from seething disrepect somewhere in the relationship....If there is hope for dying marriages then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect.

"What can be done? The answer requires the betrayed spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing, and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.

You would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your spouse to marry you during your dating days.

Back off and let them know you validate their feelings even though you do not agree with them. You cannot hold them against their will. Let your spouse marvel at your self-control. The trapped partner won't feel it necessary to fight you off anymore.

You must appear calm and assured - confident. The less said about your frame of mind-the better. It is your private business....Don't be so predictable. Tell them nothing, they need to wonder.

Anyway, just my 2 cents. Hang in there and have a good weekend.

P.S. My H did not go out last night. I was lovingly distant. Went to watch TV downstairs by myself. After about 10 minutes he came looking for me, and before you know it the whole family was together watching a movie.

This morning before he left for work he was very nice to me. I had mentioned that I really need to start walking the dogs (they are getting heavy from the winter) and he said "I can do that next week when I'm off, I mean WE can do it" Baby steps!

Anyway, I had to bite my tongue (and snap that rubber band) but by not bringing up our R I had a good night.

Over and out for now!

Mama & Tim,

Thanks guys!
Here's my thing right now. She now says it's not just that she has this other guy (which she's downplaying), but rather this whole other life with friends AND the OM. The means contrary to the usual "life in a bubble" theory of her time with the OM, she is actually socializing with him and probably meeting his friends/becoming close with them.
Ok, fine, she has an OM, it may wear off, but if she is forming this whole other life that is free and fun, only to come home to all the pressures of our life; me, the kids, bills, no going out, etc.
It is truly clear that even talking to someone (prob the OM) from the other life makes her laugh and happy while around me and the kids she's distant and depressed.
I know I'm not supposed to think about these things. This just seems to complicate things SO much more. It's one thing to leave the OM, but an entire support system/set of friends?
I feel totally defeated right now. I really feel like I have nothing left. I will go through the motions but I just want to let her go. If she wants out, then go. I don't want to stop her anymore. I actually want to push her out. This is killing me.

TMU