I have no clue man. I know in my case, I have the additional problem of suspecting that my never being here, either physically (work 2 jobs that keeps me busy 2-3 nights and some weekends in addition to 40 hours at day job) or emotionally, is one of if not the major issue in our marriage. How can I GAL and such when one of the things she resents about me the most is her being home with the kids for 5 years and me galavanting about, meeting new people and "getting to work"? If I go out with friends, to work, or just to make a point, isn't the point I'm making that I am just the same ole' absent husband I've always been? Sure, she may notice the self-confidence but I can't see how she would not focus on "more of the same" of me not being there, even if she doesn't really want me around. I'm sure this is not unique to my sitch but it is complicating things. Right now I just go upstairs to my office and read, go online, etc to "GAL" but is that enough? Tim, I feel your pain and I have no answer personally since I have the same questions. I think one of the recurring things I read here is that the pulling back, going dark, withdrawing, etc. is done not to affect THEIR feelings as much as it is to affect YOUR feelings so you do it when and as much as YOU need to in order to ease your pain. To address that, my therapist (only been once so far) kept verbally slapping me down when I would ask things like "Should I ask her about the affair?" Her response every time I found a new way to ask about talking R with the W was the same; "Stop it! You're still focusing on HER and what SHE's doing. Focus on YOU and what YOU're doing and maybe later, when you're clearly doing for you, you can address things outside yourself." Sage advice, but REALLY hard to do in real life.
I know I can't continue to dwell on the A or the chance that the affair is continuing with the OM currently, but it does occupy my thoughts 99.9999999% of the time! But like you said you can't keep asking about it to our spouse! I am really going to try and "Act as if" things are going good, and not react to the OM or strange calls unless she brings it up! I am going to stay on the course of killing her with kindness and still remain loving and passionate about her, and respect her space! Who knows but she is still responding to me, but I think she is waiting for me to attack her about the OM. I am not going to and I will let her come to me about it. Very hard because I think she is not wearing her new wedding rings anymore, and I know she is contact with the OM! All I can say is patience!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: I know I can't continue to dwell on the A or the chance that the affair is continuing with the OM currently, but it does occupy my thoughts 99.9999999% of the time! But like you said you can't keep asking about it to our spouse! I am really going to try and "Act as if" things are going good, and not react to the OM or strange calls unless she brings it up! I am going to stay on the course of killing her with kindness and still remain loving and passionate about her, and respect her space! Who knows but she is still responding to me, but I think she is waiting for me to attack her about the OM. I am not going to and I will let her come to me about it. Very hard because I think she is not wearing her new wedding rings anymore, and I know she is contact with the OM! All I can say is patience!
Tim, my man, you and I are in the same boat. I am taking that approach too because anything else would be...well...uncivilized Seriously, I have no choice right now. She is behaving "as if" she's not sleeping with another guy so I will behave "as if" I am not living with a beautiful woman I love with every fiber of my soul that is killing me softly but surely with every deceitful breath she takes. Dramatic, sure, but I really feel that way right now. I just broke down in my D5's bed as I put him down to sleep. My wife came in and gave him her hugs and kisses and made sure she said "I love you" to him several times. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to hear that and know that you will probably never hear it again? Yea, spouse you do, huh. Anyway, let's hang in and try to get through this. It will happen and I suppose we'll be stronger or something. All I know is that I am tired as hell of self pity and I want to change. I really do.
It's been a rough night. Almost a wash in terms of DBing. Could not hold it together to save my life. I had to leave the house. Went running for the first time ever. The W questioned it, asking when I learned how to run...nice. I am in shape, but obviously not like her OM. I wish I could just not take things so personally. Anyway, for the first time in awhile, the night is bad. For whatever reason, when I have been with her the past few nights, it's been ok, but not tonight. Dunno why. She didn't see the OM tonight so I am scratching my head. Just can't stop thinking. I can't stop picturing the end of all we have built, the end of my kid's relatively happy home (for them anyway) and the end of every little moment that I have cherished for the past decade. I will pull it together. I am reading again tonight and that should stop the tears for a bit but this is when it's hard. It really is.
Totally, I am sorry to hear you had a bad night - part of the rollercoaster ride I guess. Check out www.coping.org/control; there are good articles on developing detachment and letting go of uncontrollables. Like you and Tim this is all that I think about. I need to let it go for awhile - I know when I have in the past things between my H and I are not so tension filled. I like your analogy "killing me softly with deceit". Well I will kill him with kindness and my unconditional love... Hope you have a better day today
Quote: Totally,
I am sorry to hear you had a bad night - part of the rollercoaster ride I guess. Check out www.coping.org/control; there are good articles on developing detachment and letting go of uncontrollables.
Like you and Tim this is all that I think about. I need to let it go for awhile - I know when I have in the past things between my H and I are not so tension filled.
I like your analogy "killing me softly with deceit". Well I will kill him with kindness and my unconditional love...
Hope you have a better day today
Thanks. Today is worse so far. The rest of last night was bad, at least from a DB point of view. I just could not seem to pull out of the funk, nor did I do a good "as if" job. I think she saw right through me but she's too far gone to give a damn.
I understand the principals of detachment and also that I have a life-long control issue I only realized last Thursday in my first therapy session.
With me, it's the inability to let the little things slide, or really anything slide. I obsess over everything. I paint scenarios in my head that are true beyond whatever my senses detect. I react to those scenarios and it has caused great problems in my life. Hopefully with continued therapy I will be able to reel in that destructive habit.
Until such time as I can be rid of it, I am being more ruled by it each passing minute. I can't stop the images of them together, us apart, the kids devastated, the divorce or any other horrible thing from flooding my mind.
I want to detach. I want to GAL but I guess I don't want it bad enough.
The only thing I seem to want REALLY bad right now is a confrontation with my W about her affair and I know that's the wrong thing to do right now.
We cleaned the house last night for really the first time since this all started (which is totally unlike my wife who is a clean freak) and I could not help thinking the whole time that we were doing it because he was coming over today...
See what I mean. I want a brainectomy so I can just stop.
She was not nearly in the good mood she was in the days before and neither was I. We passed by each other but almost no talking. It was back to the bad ole days.
I know I must maintain but I am having trouble remembering why.
I finally figured it out! I have been wondering what has been making me crazier that usual about this "going dark" and "detaching" that I have been trying pretty unsuccessfully to do. I figured it out because my wife just called me to ask if I was still going to my hair appointment and therapy this week (not one appointment mind you). I said yes, and she said she was just making sure. When she asked about the therapy, she actually said "...and are you still going to that therapy stuff..." as if it was something silly and unnecessary. I did manage to ask her if she was interested and she said she didn't know, maybe. She's just blowing it off because I'm sure she thinks it is just another way I will be able to try to get us back together again, something she has no need for. Point is that I have realized she's all too happy to have me detach. I know I'm not supposed to give a turd about how she feels and if I do, then I have not detached. I guess I am as far from detachment as you can get then because the realization that she doesn't give two you-know-whats about me or what I'm doing is painful all over again. I don't know how long it's going to take to get me to understand that she is totally wrapped up in her right now and I just don't matter anymore...and be ok with that. I KNOW it now but I can't make myself feel it. I just keep feeling the pain and when I feel the knife slide in, I grab it and push it deeper. I hate this. Maybe soon I will hate it enough to stop complaining and do something constructive about it.
I feel your pain. I am also a control freak and I over analyze everything. I think it is a first born type A personality thing... Anyway, keep coming here. This is my life line! I posted some stuff earlier but got locked up and it disappeared but here I go again: "Love is patient" Don't get in a hurry. Your marriage did not fall apart overnight, and it will not be rebuilt today. Don't set time limits - when you do you are trying to dominate the other person. You are telling them what they must do. That may be part of the reason we are presently in this situation. Give them time. We want them to come home of their own volition.
"Love is kind" What can you say or do that will be useful or beneficial to your spouse? What is to be gained by not being kind to them? Someone else will be.
"...it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I know it is easier said than done but keep trying to "act as if" and stop obsessing if you can. You are only hurting yourself. Come here and vent - we are here for you!
Wow, very nice words. On a different note, I have been reading more and more on these boards and I am seeing a bit more advice being given to "stand up for yourself" and not be a "doormat". This is one of my most confusing issues. I think, actually, I KNOW my wife thinks of me as a person who has little self esteem, something I know not to be true but I can see how she thinks that. I think it's why she thinks she can just do this thing and then work out "us" later if at all. The DB book, my therapist and many others have said NOT to bring up the OM or the R with my W but in not doing so I just look like the spineless man she thinks I am. It would actually be a 180 for me to calmly discuss our R and the OM with her in an attempt to figure out what I want to do. I know I can't base my decisions on how she feels but I know that until I know more about what she's doing (not details about the affair, just in general) then I will continue to think the worst. If it is the worst, then it can't be any worse than I imagine (I hope) and if it's not the worst (full blown, ongoing EA/PA) then maybe I can stick this out. I don't really know what I'm asking other than really wanting to be as sure as possible that detaching and DBing are really the right thing to do in my sitch when my wife is already convinced that I am weak. Sure, WE know it takes enormous strength to keep doing this but I am more concerned with perception because right now, HER perception is reality, maybe not for me, but surely for her. I am going to continue to take the high road but I am closer than ever to initiating a talk about our R and the OM to take the pulse of the sitch. Wrong thing? Right thing?
