Quote: She said she just needs some time with no pressure from me, and that she knows I have been doing that for that last few days! Nice again!
Cool, keep it up and give her more space. Try to be less available, remember to make her come to you. Also, agree with whatever she says about how she is feeling no matter what!
Wow isn't the rollercoaster ride fun!
Before I start to type I have to remind myself that the "glass is half full", and there is some positive things that are happening! But last nite and especially this morning I felt the "Big Pink Elephant" that represents what is going on in our R amd what is happening with the OM grew a 1000 pounds and neither my wife or I will say anything to each other about it!
She is still pretty cold and distant. Last nite before bed she said "I am trying so hard and I don't have to!"
I have been trying so hard to show that I care and I guess kill her with kindness. She seems to be in a dark place right now and I want so bad to talk to her about it and find out WTF is going on!!!!!!!!
We also had a little pillow talk last nite and I told her that all I want is her to be happy, and her response was
"What about Tim what makes Tim happy?"
I had to pause for a moment and I responded with
"Being her with you and the kids, and share my life with her. The kids being happy and her being happy fufill me and that is what makes me happy!"
Not much said after that but kiss good nite!
The big thing for me is I want her to come to me and say I love you, I want to talk and make things better! But she hasn't. Even this morning I pushed by saying I love you a few many times hoping she would respond! That is what hurts the most!
Anyways I have to have patience I keep going forward! It is tough with such a big part of my life being in the dark...not knowing what she is really thinking and what is the status with the OM! HOPE! POSITIVE!
Any words of wisdom out there?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I have noticed a few things with your story but not commented on them (sort of). You always say you give her hugs, kisses and ILY's. This is the first time she's not responded in kind, correct? Well, my thought whenever you said all that about the hugs and things is that it seems to go against the DB/detachment philosophy. I suppose if she is receptive I would probably do the same thing, but really I would maybe let her initiate from now on. As for the ILY's, from what I have read, that could very well be seen as a major pressure tool by her. She may respond, but only out of her wish not to hurt you more. I think I addressed this when we were talking about her going through the motions. If not, well I just did... Now, my wife did the "what makes you happy" thing during the initial bomb drop. I said the same exact thing. She seemed very unhappy with that answer. I now know why. She was not asking for that answer. She wanted to know what ELSE made me happy. She wanted to know that she was married to someone who had needs, desires and issues that did not revolve around her and the family. She wanted validation that it was ok to feel that way herself. I know that because SO many different sources say that and the more I learn about empathy and validation, the more I realize this is true. One of the main reasons we are DBing is because we all realize that to this point we have been so wrapped up in our R's, or so absent from them, that we have failed to realize that we have lost sight of ourselves and what we needed to grow within the R. This is not lost on our WAS and in my case, it is one of the major reasons she lost faith in me. So now, in order to "get them back" we need to get ourselves back. Yes, for all of us, we derive great joy from our families or we would not be willing to suffer for them like this. However, we need to get to a place where the answer to that question is not "Well honey, of course you and the kids are all I live for." I truly don't know what the correct answer is. It certainly is not what THEY have decided it is (going off and being with an OP) but I think we achieve happiness when we find a way to ensure our happiness independent of our R's, with the R being the foundation. Again, I don't know how to do that. I can't imagine my biggest source of pleasure not coming from my wife and family but I also can imagine the pressure that puts on my W to satisfy an impossible need. She can't be everything we need her to be and by deriving all our happiness from her, that's what she feels pressure to do. I continue to wish you well Tim. I think you are doing the best you can and our parallels are helpful to both of us.
but I think we achieve happiness when we find a way to ensure our happiness independent of our R's, with the R being the foundation.
In the context you wrote, you mean "without" the relationship being the foundation, correct? Which is the way it should be, as relationships are better as an addendum to one's life, rather then its foundation. Lots of folks seek relationships first in their life plans (I'll meet mr./ms. right, from which then we'll...), but of course the problem is when it turns out that the feet you're standing on belong to someone else.
Quote: In the context you wrote, you mean "without" the relationship being the foundation, correct? Which is the way it should be, as relationships are better as an addendum to one's life, rather then its foundation. Lots of folks seek relationships first in their life plans (I'll meet mr./ms. right, from which then we'll...), but of course the problem is when it turns out that the feet you're standing on belong to someone else.
I think what I meant to say is that our relationship serves as a solid place where we go to "be" but not necessarily the end all of our lives. I understand the word foundation is maybe the wrong one to have used because it implies that without it, there would be no structure. While that is true of certain things in life, as far as personal happiness, I see your point that people don't develop a true foundation within themselves that allows independent satisfaction from things. I firmly believe that spouses play a huge role in meeting important needs, but those needs have to be met out of love, not expectation and we as individuals need to learn to meet our own needs. Faith, love, compassion, selflessness are all things that play a part in a good R but they are also the things that lead to co-dependency and other psyche terms used to describe when we put all our emotional eggs in one basket. Again, it's hard to deal with that a lot of the things that are important are also dangerous.
I suppose this is one of the perils of people in a given situation giving advice to others in the same sitch. We tend to consolidate what we hear and read into personal philosophies that may or may not be healthy. I am truly just spouting off here. Take it with a HUGE grain of salt. See what too much reading does to you...
All I have been doing is reading looking for that one "answer" that will solve my stitch! I know it is not there but reading helps you process alot of what I am goin thru! TMU I agree I need to let her initiate more of the I love you, and hugs and kisses! Whe actually asked me for a kiss when I left the house after I went home for lunch! She stuck her lips out and went "Smooch smooch" ! I know too many details! But I responded gave her a kiss and said "Thanks that was a nice surprise!" As soon as I said it I said to myself "You dumby you had to open your mouth!" Anyways a positive but you are right TMU I need to step back a little and see what she does! In the process I still need to be true to myself, and what my core values are. Through all this I realized how much my wife means to me and I will treat her as that special person she truly is! But I need to "Act as if" I am truly happy and not project any negativity back to her! NY and TMU you are both right! You need your individuality seperate from your marrage and realationship. I lost alot of that and know that I need to depend on myself to get what I want out of life and not others. My W is my soul mate and I want a person to share in all the happiness life has to offer! That is why I want her happy as an individual first so that we can build a truly strong realationship! OK enough rambling! One thing that plagues me is it is so obvious when she does not wear her wedding rings how long do I say and do nothing?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: All I have been doing is reading looking for that one "answer" that will solve my stitch!
According to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42
Quote: I agree I need to let her initiate more of the I love you, and hugs and kisses! Whe actually asked me for a kiss when I left the house after I went home for lunch! She stuck her lips out and went "Smooch smooch" !
Sigh. I envy you that you get kisses and hugs. But the price you pay (OM) is very high. My W considers us separated and going to be divorced so any touching is off limits unless she perceives that I AM NEEDY in which case she will hug me. Since I no longer want to LOOK needy, the hugs have stopped.
Quote: You need your individuality separate from your marrage and realationship. I lost alot of that and know that I need to depend on myself to get what I want out of life and not others. My W is my soul mate and I want a person to share in all the happiness life has to offer! That is why I want her happy as an individual first so that we can build a truly strong realationship!
I totally agree, I lost my individuality in the past 5 years and became totally dependent on my wife for my validation. Now it's all gone so I have been struggling to rebuild my 'self' and I am about 80%-90% there.
And also as you may have seen in my thread, one of my goals is to do what I can to help my wife become that person, even if the end result is still a divorce. To me that's unconditional love.
And also as you may have seen in my thread, one of my goals is to do what I can to help my wife become that person, even if the end result is still a divorce. To me that's unconditional love.
First of all Frank I do have to say I am lucky to still have my wife n my life daily and showing some positive signs toward me! I agree the OM is a high price to pay, but that is price I am willing to pay for if it means spending the rest of my life with the a women that I truly love!
I truly learned what unconditional love is through all this! I thought I knew the meaning once I had kids but because of the S and the OM I learned that I truly love my W and will always love her unconditionally! It is a very intense feeling that is hard to describe! I have to agree with you Frank that I want my wife to be the best person she can be! At times that is what keeps me going knowing that being the person I can be for her will only help her grow in the end. The only problem is at times my perception of the "ideal" W or person she SHOULD be gets in the way of my actions! For example wanting her to feel the love and passion that I feel for her by saying "I love you" one to many times! Then expecting her to respond the same way...then it doesn'happen and the depression sets in and the rollercoaster ride continues!
I guess after all this I have question will the spouse who returns ever appreciate the love and turmoil we all have endured, and will they have the same passion back towards us? Hoping to find out!!!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I agree with the others about the "I love yous" I still tell my W, but only after she says it first. I have been living the totally detatched life for months along with the other DBing techniques and it seems as though they have been working, although only partially.
We were on the brink of filing for divorce and now she has asked me to hold off while she re-evaluates. I have remained friendly with her, though detatched. I have validated her feelings, I have been getting a life (I joined a band and I'm going back to college starting tomorrow) and I have kept my mouth shut about the R and the OM.
DBing seems to work. I know that I could have pushed her away forever, and I know things aren't yet perfect, but something seems to be working at least a little.
I started a new post and I do not know how to link the 2 HELP! HELP HELP HELP She just wants to be friends! I feel like I recieved a death sentence and I helped speed up the process on death row! Please read my new post or continue with this one I will check both!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
