Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What now-did what I was supposed to!

There's a picture on the wall here in my office it reads:

"Press on, Your defining moment may arrive just when you feel surrounded by adversity"

ANother on reads:

"Itegrity is not being afraid of your own reflection."

Just wanted to add that....

Pressing on!
Just went home to switch vehicles with the W. Brought her a coffee and I was all smiles and upbeat. She seemed to respond and gave me a kiss and responded to my I love you with I love you too. So positive sign, but she still was not relaxed.
Is it me over analyzing, is it her being stressed about her certification exam for Paramedics this weekend, or is it because she did see the OM today is planning to when she goes to the "library" to study tonite?
I cannot convey any negative feelings towards the situation because she wil pick up on it, and I am also afraid that she will notice I am to "bubbly"
Who knows but must press on!

you know yourself better than we do. You'll know what "too bubbly" means when you do it. Then bring it back a little. Take each interaction for what it is. She will notice these things when her mind isn't going a mile a minute. There was a phrase that I used to hear: "Kill'em with kindness"

In this case we're going to win them back. You doing fine. Take notes as to what you did to get that reaction and do more of the same. Just don't become predictable.

I just need to vent! I know what I need to do is not react and stay positive, but I did check our phone at home after my wife went to work out. I saw that she had called the OM today at work! Rips my heart out! I was so positive when I got home, kiss at the door, I love you...I feel it is such an act, and I want to confront her so bad. Right now that would be wrong and I believe she is waiting for that! I also know I am over analyzing the situation but I think she is setting the OM to possibly leave me again???? I sure hope not!
We are scheduled to have a marriage council session tomorrow at 6pm. I will see if she wants me to come but I sure hope she at least goes by herself!
"Suck it up Princess" is the saying so on with the brave face tonite when she gets home and hope for the best!

Quote:

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I also know I am over analyzing the situation but I think she is setting the OM to possibly leave me again???? I sure hope not!

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Are you familiar with the book 'The Four Agreements'?

They are:

-- Be impeccable with your word. Never use your word to hurt someone.

-- Don't take other peoples actions personally. Other people are living in their own dream and thier actions are part of that dream and not meant for you.

-- Never make assumptions. If you want to know something. Ask.

-- Always do your best. Sometimes your best will be different than other times depending how you feel. But it will always BE your best

So, ask her what intentions she has with the other man. Tell her that if she feels like she is going back to him or whatever that you'd like to know so you plan your life accordingly without her. Come from a place of understanding, not accusation.

This whole DB vs Tough love debate is kind of interesting. To be honest the whole DB approach seems very doormatty to me precisely as there doesn't seem to be a "Plan B" component like in Marriage Builders.

Personally, I think after two years of being on all the major infidelity boards, the people who were most effective where those who threw out their WAS and took immediate steps to protect themselves and their children emotionally, financially, and legally. When the WAS comes back on these occasions they are normally very remorseful and extremely aware and respectful of the BS's boundaries.

Unfortunately, you don't tend to see so many of those stories as the people who take this type of action are normally not the kind to hang around on bulletin boards trying to get advice or build consensus for their decisions.

Just my 2 cents.

I have asked her what her intentions are with the OM. All she said she knows she still has feelings for him, and she loves him, and is not sure what do. When we had supper the other nite she left it as ,she needs some time to think things thru but wanted to contact the OM which she obviously has several times!
She is planning to go to our councilling session alone tonite which I believe is good! Hopefully she can talk some things out and open up tonite. I will not push her to talk except ask if she wants to share anything.
You are right I cannot assume anything and I should just ask. I am trying to give her space, but I do feel like everytime we are in a room together there is a huge "pink" elephant standing there and we both are afraid to say we see it. The day will come very soon when the "pink" elephant will have to be dealt with!
By the way she left the house this morning with her wedding rings on!

Tim,

I know you and I have posted about each other's sitches but I realized that I never posted here so now I will.
You know that our stories are similar and that we suffer from many of the same issues.
What curiosity said was a little harsh but you and I know it's what we struggle with daily; are we being weak or strong by taking the DB stance and not drawing lines in the proverbial sand?
I struggle with this all the time, and the bit about "Those kind of people don't usually hang around on message boards or build consensus." part stings too.
We only know what we see here. I only know that there are plenty of success stories here but the threads I am reading all, no matter how new or old, seem to be slowly progressing to, well, where?
I really can't tell if this is the right way to go about this. It seems like my heart says do whatever you need to do to stick this out, and my head says do whatever you need to do to end this and begin fixing the mess of your life.
There has to be middle ground and I think often Frank_D's blending of tough love and DBing seems promising in that respect but honestly, who knows if eventually it will pan out.
All we know is that there are more than a few ways to approach this crisis our lives are in, and most of the time they are diametrically opposed to one another. DB says ultimatums will push them away for good. Tough love says no ultimatums will allow them to walk all over you and damage their respect for you. There are many other ways out there but you get the point.
It sucks to be in the middle of one of the most paralyzing situations of our lives and be faced with so many contrary theories.
I guess one of the worst things I am finding out is that while the people here and elsewhere are great to vent to and helpful to a fault, ultimately we are very very alone in making the decision what advice to take and what may or may not work for us no matter how forcefully we are told it will or won't.
And the absolute worst thing is that we must make this decision(s) when we have just found out that many of the decisions we have made about our relationships and wives have been totally wrong.
Nice, huh?
Take solace that posting is cathartic and even though the choices are hard, at least there are still some to be made and with any luck at all we'll start making the right ones that will lead to our eventual happiness.

totallymessedup

Thanx totally,
WE are left to our own devices! Life is about making choices, and we can only do the best we can with the skills we have at that moment in time!
I am not sure what the answers are and if we all did, this message board would never exist. WE have to learn from everyones situtation and realize that everyone is entitled to their opinions whether they concur with your beliefs or not! The key is to have an open mind and heart and keep hope alive that we all can find happiness. And that is what this message board is for, to help all of us keep hope alive that there maybe a solution to our problem is just around the corner and happiness will follow!
In my situation we started to find happiness and solitude but it started to slip away again. I do not want to put myself, my wife, and especially my kids thru the pain we all felt before! So I will do everything in my power to avoid that! I also want to remain true to myself ad remain positive and always look that the glass is half full! It is tough when so many signs are there that the R is going in the wrong direction, like my W calling the OM! I know deep down she knows that it is wrong and that we can build an amazing marriage and R together!
Keep going totallymessedup and we can continue to share our feelings and help each other thru this tough time! I know that every message that gets posted helps!