Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What now-did what I was supposed to!

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I like your advice Frank, but there are kids involved. I am in a similar situation as Tim. I would love for my wife to go move in with OM and find out for sure...or just realize that the grass really isn't any greener. But that would mean that you're putting your kids into a broken home situation. Not the greatest thing for a 2 and 4 year old if you can avoid it.

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Most of the ideas I put across are from the book 'Love must be tough'. The author is a christian who advocates DB'ing techniques. Bottom line: The WAW is on a see saw and the balance needs to be pushed one way or the other. What she is doing is the old 'have your cake and eat it too'. You have to tip the scale.

In my case the kids are 10 and 15 and the 15 yr old won't leave me to live with mom if mom leaves and has told mom it's because she is 'unstable'. The 10 year old will stay with her sister wherever she goes. FOr me, caring for them is not that hard compared to a 2 and 4 year old.

But in 'love must be tough' and other books where there is infidelity and the 'cage has been opened' and the person is waffling between the two, they suggest the 'either cut communications off, or go live with them until you are ready to cut off communications' solution. They can NOT have it both ways. You're kids WILL be living in a broken home if you don't reconcile because YOU can't hangon forever. These steps will accelerate the conclusion of the story - they will either go or stay. And if they go they may find out they want to come back. You can't stay in a position where the see-saw is in balance.

The other day in counseling our counselor asked me 'what would be the hardest thing for you to do when you are divorced and living in separate households?' I said "I would miss not seeing my girls every day". W was asked the same question and started to look hurt and choked up and then said "I would miss the girls when they are with their Dad. It will be really lonely without them".
SHE had NEVER thought about what it will be like living in two households. Gee whiz mom, it HURTS. I wanted to say "So WHY are you doing this?? Oh right, our marriage was in trouble, OM had nothing to do with it ending."

I hope my point is clear. GIVE HER WHAT SHE SAYS SHE WANTS. She says she wants OM, then give her ALL of OM, not just the parts that are easy to live with. Make her have to get up with him every day, to have to do laundry with him, to cook and clean and fight over stupid stuff. She 'loves' him right? Then she should WANT to do this, shouldn't she?

Yeah, IT SUCKS but right now I WISH I could make W go to Connecticut to OM so I don't have to see her every day, knowing that he's what she thinks about and not me. Then she'd HAVE to miss her kids, she'd HAVE to sit there alone sometimes wondering if she really found 'it' in the OM or did she leave 'it' with me and the kids?

So, if I could convince her to go that would be great. I would hate it and love it at the same time. But she won't go no matter how I explain how it would be 'better for her and for the kids'. She says she will not leave the kids. But she has left us emotionally, she is no longer part of the family like she used to be. She is only partly here.

Here's the question though...at what point do you force that issue of pushing to be with the OM? it seems to me that would be more of a last resort than anything else. My situation is fairly new and if I sound naive, plesae forgive me.

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Here's the question though...at what point do you force that issue of pushing to be with the OM? it seems to me that would be more of a last resort than anything else. My situation is fairly new and if I sound naive, plesae forgive me.

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Well, my counselor, whom I trust implicitly, basically said 'you put 90 days into plan "A" which is DB, give her space, be loving and kind.' She kept into the affair. In MY case the affair is too much of a fantasy and the only way it can proceed to a real human relationship is to push her out.

"Love must be tough" says as little as a month or as long as a year. It depends on how much time they need to see that they are 'free' and no longer in the 'jail' they perceived themselves in when in the marriage.

My wife is at that point because of the db'ing I've done as is Tim297181's wife. They don't see the marriage as keeping them in 'jail' any more. Now they are sitting on the teeter totter and getting the best of both worlds. A stable home and a lover who is their perfect fantasy.

Time to upset the balance and push it one way or the other (with love of course). It's a lot like the dobson letter we've seen mentioned before 'I see you need this and I need to move on so go get what you need'

Does that help?

From my readings and hanging around here since June, I really don't think tough love and DBing are necessarily compatible.

Reread the chapter in the Divorce Remedy about the wife who put up with her husband living at home and carrying on an affair for quite some time (over a year? - sorry, I don't have it handy, but I think their names were Carol and Dean in the Putting it all Together chapter). Michele never once suggested that the wife give an ultimatum or throw the husband out.

So, yes, this would certainly be a last resort, especially if you are divorce busting. NewYorkSurvivor has had some good comments against this tough love technique.

With regards to the kids already being in a broken home, they may be, but as far as my kids or my family know, everything is AOK between my W and I. We haven't told them and we are carrying on as normal other than the fact that mommy is gone a little more often than she used to be.

A mentor of mine explained to me that "tough love" isn't really love at all when you examine it.

Putting time frames on stuff, especially short time frames, doesn't pan out in real life. In real life, sitches can take longer than a target date chosen at random on a calendar, besides which, you might find that when that date rolls around, you're still steeped in reasons why it may not be a wise idea to go ahead according to the plan.

Someone else told me a horror story about some poor LB wife who did the Plan B type stuff when her H had an affair with the town tramp. She lost her H, her house and her marriage in doing so, when it was only a matter of time before the H eventually realized just who he had hooked up with, but the damage was done.

I finally had a chance to read everyones comments once the kids had a nap this afternoon! First of all thanks everyone this message board is really helping me in a tough time!
As debated my question is when do I resort to the tough love and push her to the other man! A little background on the other man is he and my W have been together since March. My W and I were supposed to move to another city together and because of our marriage issues and the OM she never did move, but I did. Finally after 6 months I decided to move back to the same city as her and be closer to the kids and give our marriage a fighting chance! I did this at the end of Oct and almost immediately my W came back to me. Finally in mid Nov she moved back in and we started marriage councilling together for the first time.
What I found out about the OM is he is 6 years younger, there sex life was great, but more importantly he is an alcoholic, supposed recovered drug abuser, and has a gambling problem! This is the opposite to me! My W said she would have left him anyways if I would have not came back! My W would never put up with the crap that the OM has done but has and seems to want to continue with it!
Through our reconcilliation and councilling in Nov and Dec she would still contact him and he would contact her saying he was going to get help for his drinking and gambling. Now after our trip to Mexico she contacted him and she said he seems to be doing great and she does not want to abandon him when he is going thru such a tough time!
She really seems to want her cake and eat it too! But I want her and I to save our marriage and for the sake of the kids! The kids are completely different since we are back together more confident and well adjusted! I just want to have this ping pong ball effect to continue! When is the right time to put tough love down! We just got backfrom Mexico not even a week a go and the best of my knowledge the only contact she has had with the OM is once in about 3 weeks and that was a few days ago! Hang low or push for her to make a decision!??? HELP!

I finally had a chance to read everyones comments once the kids had a nap this afternoon! First of all thanks everyone this message board is really helping me in a tough time!
As debated my question is when do I resort to the tough love and push her to the other man! A little background on the other man is he and my W have been together since March. My W and I were supposed to move to another city together and because of our marriage issues and the OM she never did move, but I did. Finally after 6 months I decided to move back to the same city as her and be closer to the kids and give our marriage a fighting chance! I did this at the end of Oct and almost immediately my W came back to me. Finally in mid Nov she moved back in and we started marriage councilling together for the first time.
What I found out about the OM is he is 6 years younger, there sex life was great, but more importantly he is an alcoholic, supposed recovered drug abuser, and has a gambling problem! This is the opposite to me! My W said she would have left him anyways if I would have not came back! My W would never put up with the crap that the OM has done but has and seems to want to continue with it!
Through our reconcilliation and councilling in Nov and Dec she would still contact him and he would contact her saying he was going to get help for his drinking and gambling. Now after our trip to Mexico she contacted him and she said he seems to be doing great and she does not want to abandon him when he is going thru such a tough time!
She really seems to want her cake and eat it too! But I want her and I to save our marriage and for the sake of the kids! The kids are completely different since we are back together more confident and well adjusted! I just want to have this ping pong ball effect to continue! When is the right time to put tough love down! We just got backfrom Mexico not even a week a go and the best of my knowledge the only contact she has had with the OM is once in about 3 weeks and that was a few days ago! Hang low or push for her to make a decision!??? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally had a chance to read everyones comments once the kids had a nap this afternoon! First of all thanks everyone this message board is really helping me in a tough time!
As debated my question is when do I resort to the tough love and push her to the other man! A little background on the other man is he and my W have been together since March. My W and I were supposed to move to another city together and because of our marriage issues and the OM she never did move, but I did. Finally after 6 months I decided to move back to the same city as her and be closer to the kids and give our marriage a fighting chance! I did this at the end of Oct and almost immediately my W came back to me. Finally in mid Nov she moved back in and we started marriage councilling together for the first time.
What I found out about the OM is he is 6 years younger, there sex life was great, but more importantly he is an alcoholic, supposed recovered drug abuser, and has a gambling problem! This is the opposite to me! My W said she would have left him anyways if I would have not came back! My W would never put up with the crap that the OM has done but has and seems to want to continue with it!
Through our reconcilliation and councilling in Nov and Dec she would still contact him and he would contact her saying he was going to get help for his drinking and gambling. Now after our trip to Mexico she contacted him and she said he seems to be doing great and she does not want to abandon him when he is going thru such a tough time!
She really seems to want her cake and eat it too! But I want her and I to save our marriage and for the sake of the kids! The kids are completely different since we are back together more confident and well adjusted! I just want to have this ping pong ball effect to continue! When is the right time to put tough love down! We just got backfrom Mexico not even a week a go and the best of my knowledge the only contact she has had with the OM is once in about 3 weeks and that was a few days ago! Hang low or push for her to make a decision!??? HELP!