Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What now-did what I was supposed to!

I finally had a chance to read everyones comments once the kids had a nap this afternoon! First of all thanks everyone this message board is really helping me in a tough time!
As debated my question is when do I resort to the tough love and push her to the other man! A little background on the other man is he and my W have been together since March. My W and I were supposed to move to another city together and because of our marriage issues and the OM she never did move, but I did. Finally after 6 months I decided to move back to the same city as her and be closer to the kids and give our marriage a fighting chance! I did this at the end of Oct and almost immediately my W came back to me. Finally in mid Nov she moved back in and we started marriage councilling together for the first time.
What I found out about the OM is he is 6 years younger, there sex life was great, but more importantly he is an alcoholic, supposed recovered drug abuser, and has a gambling problem! This is the opposite to me! My W said she would have left him anyways if I would have not came back! My W would never put up with the crap that the OM has done but has and seems to want to continue with it!
Through our reconcilliation and councilling in Nov and Dec she would still contact him and he would contact her saying he was going to get help for his drinking and gambling. Now after our trip to Mexico she contacted him and she said he seems to be doing great and she does not want to abandon him when he is going thru such a tough time!
She really seems to want her cake and eat it too! But I want her and I to save our marriage and for the sake of the kids! The kids are completely different since we are back together more confident and well adjusted! I just want to have this ping pong ball effect to continue! When is the right time to put tough love down! We just got backfrom Mexico not even a week a go and the best of my knowledge the only contact she has had with the OM is once in about 3 weeks and that was a few days ago! Hang low or push for her to make a decision!??? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally had a chance to read everyones comments once the kids had a nap this afternoon! First of all thanks everyone this message board is really helping me in a tough time!
As debated my question is when do I resort to the tough love and push her to the other man! A little background on the other man is he and my W have been together since March. My W and I were supposed to move to another city together and because of our marriage issues and the OM she never did move, but I did. Finally after 6 months I decided to move back to the same city as her and be closer to the kids and give our marriage a fighting chance! I did this at the end of Oct and almost immediately my W came back to me. Finally in mid Nov she moved back in and we started marriage councilling together for the first time.
What I found out about the OM is he is 6 years younger, there sex life was great, but more importantly he is an alcoholic, supposed recovered drug abuser, and has a gambling problem! This is the opposite to me! My W said she would have left him anyways if I would have not came back! My W would never put up with the crap that the OM has done but has and seems to want to continue with it!
Through our reconcilliation and councilling in Nov and Dec she would still contact him and he would contact her saying he was going to get help for his drinking and gambling. Now after our trip to Mexico she contacted him and she said he seems to be doing great and she does not want to abandon him when he is going thru such a tough time!
She really seems to want her cake and eat it too! But I want her and I to save our marriage and for the sake of the kids! The kids are completely different since we are back together more confident and well adjusted! I just want to have this ping pong ball effect to continue! When is the right time to put tough love down! We just got backfrom Mexico not even a week a go and the best of my knowledge the only contact she has had with the OM is once in about 3 weeks and that was a few days ago! Hang low or push for her to make a decision!??? HELP!

Frank, that makes sense. They have to go resolve themselves, and the LBS has to give them space to do that rather than pressure not to (that chances are they'd only resist anyway)... though I don't understand why it's to be presented in the form of a letter. I get the feeling these relationship-gurus used to be English teachers.

I think you're correct too that it's not delivered as an ultimatum that may burn bridges, but maybe more like a, "honey, I understand you have to do what you have to, and I love you, and I'm here and I'd prefer you be with me, so do what you have to do but you and I know that I won't wait around for ever" type of thing.

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though I don't understand why it's to be presented in the form of a letter. I get the feeling these relationship-gurus used to be English teachers.

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I was using the CONTENT of a Dobson letter as an example of how to possible frame it in your mind. DOn't write a lettter. I think I shouldn't write these responses so early in the morning.

ALso, in the case of Tim, only he knows what will work. Since he added some details I think that a simple offer to let her go spend time away with OM to sort it out' may be enough.

First of all sorry for my last post it seemed to go up several times!
I did say what you eluded to NY when I found it she called him only 2 days after our trip to MExico! The next day I thought about it and apologized because I felt I the way it came out in the heat of the moment was not right and was only thinking of myself and not her feelings! Also in Mexico I had real anxiety because she was not interested in sex, and seemed a little distant! I was analyzing way too much and was thinking she was only thinking about the OM, but she said she was distant because of my expectations for sex on our "romantic" holiday! (It was great and relaxing but I did pressure her for sex) This is part of the reason she said she called also becasue she felt we were falling into old patterns!

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Since he added some details I think that a simple offer to let her go spend time away with OM to sort it out' may be enough.

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Thank you for clarifying, Frank, I think there is a possibility that I may have to make that DobsonWithLove speech, but in Tim's case, I think encouraging her to go be with the other man is a little generous. If she and the OM have only spoken once or twice over the last few weeks, then I would stand back for a while and see first if the contact increases before I'd recommend they meet. Hopefully this situation is on the wane.

Well did I have fun today! We all went to a friends 4 yr old son's birthday today, and in the middle of it my W cell phone rang and it was the OM! She took the call and walk away out ear shot (or so she thought). She was a giggles on the phone and from what she said they are planning to get together tomorrow!
After the call she told me it was him and acted very cold! I went on the best I could like nothing happened, and then cooked supper for her and her friends!
Now what keep my mouth shut and pretend like nothing is wrong! What is the answer!

OK!
! I did not say anything, but it was very noticeable becasue of her tanlines!
I feel I have been way to good of an actor last nite and this morning acting like nothing is wrong! I initiated a hug and kiss this mornng and she responded to me that she loves me only after I said it. The hugged seemed a little stressed but it was first thing in the morning but I do tend to over analyses! The kids are keeping me going but for how long do I bite my toungue and let her think that she can see or talk to the OM at any time??????
I feel I need to say or do something! Confront her on the phone call yesterday, not wearing the rings, the possibility of them having lunch....just sitting here and pretending nothing is wrong is really hard! Any advice out there?

I have been trained to be analytical due to career choices...Trust me on this...DO NOT analyze any of the baby steps that you get. They will kill you...I'm just now getting to a point that I can let it go. If you have these feelings post them here...We'll be here for you. Post it here so you don't say it to her and shoot yourself in the foot...Act as if...you did good here...