Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I've read DB but tell me this...

Hey guys (and girls) it's been awhile. Wow, it does feel a little bit better to not be the only one going though this feeling, and damnit, I hate that you are all here too, but hopefully we can help each other.
Right as I type this I am 99% certain my wife, who still lives in our house and has NO plans of moving out of (nor do I) since the priority for both of us, at least as far as our household, is our two boys. I think that is one of our major issues; that we put them first always and our marriage went to hell in a hand basket.
So like I said, she's "out" and I am here with the boys, just put them to bed and alone to think all the horrible thoughts that go through our heads in times like these. The real problem Tim and everyone else, is if you venture away from this board and look in on some of the other boards around the net, you will see some VERY different advice about how NOT to wait and FORCE an end, one way or another if there is an affair.
Now of course THAT seems like common sense and what we all want to do right about now (or for me in about 2 hours when she comes home) and I for one can't tell how long I will be able to maintain this charade of indifference.
Yea, I'm working on myself, going to therapy and reading all the books that matter but you know what, no matter how much of that I do, I keep coming back to the same place; in my world, and probably yours too, if the tables were turned and I tried to pull this with my wife, she'd have castrated me, divorced me, taken half of what was left and fought for sole custody. You can take that to the bank. And she's not a particularly strong person (or so I thought) when it comes to things like this but I guarantee there would be no book reading or therapy to do if it were me cheating.
So where does that leave me? A weak minded, spineless man who is ok with another guy doing my wife while she pretends that all is ok in the world? A weak minded guy who goes so far as to try to improve MYSELF because somehow her weakness and inhumane actions are MY fault?
Of course, to remain sane, I have to keep centering myself and tell myself that I am doing the right thing for "me", whatever that means...
Got news for you, it isn't all roses on the other side of the bed either but I NEVER, for one minute EVER considered cheating.
Maybe that should change.
Oh well, as if you didn't know, this is a really bad time for me right now. The next post you read from me will either be more of the same or reporting the results of doing everything we have been told not to do.
At least we'll have a recent case study.

totallymessedup

Its very hard not to feel those things that you do with regard to the sitch. I for one do not enjoy the fact that my W is likely carrying on an EA with OM. However, I will tell you this. Over the past three months I sat around the house agonizing, begging, pleading, etc. Basically, I wasn't a very nice person to live with and it really affected her moods. I could see that she was agonizing over everything and the emotional turmoil was taking a physical toll on her. It finally dawned on me that a) if were ever to win her back, I had to be the man she fell in love with 13 years ago and b) if I truly loved her, then I would be trying to help her cope with her emotional turmoil rather than contributing to it and c) I had to get my life back in balance. In some respects, she has recognized this in a short time and has repeatedly thanked me for my patience, love and understanding. That to me is worth it.

Its funny thought that you mention that your wife would have been on the fast track to D-ville without looking back. The fact is, you really don't know that for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been the greatest husband in the world and found myself stuck in an EA a couple of years ago. No, she didn't read any self-help books or consult a therapist or a website. She confronted me and basically it was up to me to end the whole thing and get on with life. I did. But, the point being, she and I are different people with differing views and opinions and I think its a basic understanding that women and men want, need, think and feel differently. Just because you "believe" that she would do X,Y, or Z if you had an affair really doesn't justify you acting in that way. I wish you all the luck in the world!

Rob,

You're seeing it...great...because as a woman, let me tell you there is nothing attractive about a man who is pleading, begging and suffocating...of course that is not attractive for either sex but for a man, never...I don't care what women may say publically or to their GFs but deep down we really want our men to be strong for us...we depend on you emotionally and physically, more than you will ever know. Women admittedly, may be a bit more complicated to figure out then men are but deep down, I think it just boils down to everyone has the basic need of being loved...

And see how she has already picked up on it...keep with it...find the man that she fell in love with...I bet he wasn't begging and pleading? Was he...nah, he was someone else. Her knight in shining armour.

And no, you are correct, no one can say how anyone else would have reacted if the shoe had been on the other foot...look at the women on here that have their Hs that have left them...including myself...we are(were) going through the same things as you...it all depends on the person, their love for their WAS...etc.