Well - not entirely sure how to answer that question. he was apologetic, tore the pages out, tried to explain that the song was about her, not me (I GOT that, stupid, but it still nauseates me to read that "once every heartbeat belonged to you" even if you WERE disappointed in her afterwards!). But overall, I'd say guilt and discomfort still get in the way of him giving what would be a truly satisfactory response - the "come here, let me take you in my arms, I don't know what I was ever thinking, you know there's nobody for me but you" response. H is more of the "I thought we were going to let sleeping dogs lie, that was your "ex" husband, not me, we're moving forward in a new relationship" guy.
The truth is, I guess, that my H is like most former WASs - still terrified that his luck might run out and I might leave him after all this - and so is still pretty frightened and feels pretty crummy about himself when this stuff comes up?
I am very fortunate, in that we moved from one apt. to another over a year ago. And in doing so, H had thrown a ton of stuff away - going through everything in the apt. I remember dumping one box and pics of him and her together fell out, but I'd seen them before. So there is nothing around the house (that wouldn't be online, like old emails) to bother me. Thanks goodness! And going to Europe this past year, and going to places that I knew he'd been - actually was very cathartic for me. It was hard having stuff around the other apt., though - it drove me nuts!
If it was me, I'd probably go through each room with him, doing major spring cleaning, and throwing out remnants of that R.
Hi Ellie - I hear ya on the landmines. but this resonated more strongly
the "come here, let me take you in my arms, I don't know what I was ever thinking, you know there's nobody for me but you" response
I've been jokingly putting words into NG's mouth lately, like when I come back from work and he just grunts, I'd walk up, give him a hug and say "Slowly, welcome home, I missed you" - of course he smiles and repeats after me, and some days he does say them without any prompt from me. I think I'm going to hijack this line and 'imitate' him when the right moment presents itself. He can d*&n well fake it till he makes it too
I am sorry you still have to relive those bad ole days from time to time.
I think I am coming to the conclusion that I may not have tolerated my H back in the marriage after what he did. Certainly not if he had not owned up to his actions fully. I don't think I could have beared to live on tenterhooks and have been wondering all the time what was going on/had gone on/might go on again in the future. I know that my H is one who doesn't "do" self improvement...
So for that reason, I am probably better off where I am right now, and I guess that has to be the silver lining in all this. Now, all I have to tackle are the causes of the frequent nightmares I have about security and money...
Oh, and I forgot to add that I am still stuck at 68 kilos. Not good, but I did get out the exercise mat once more this morning and started the routine again.
Hugs
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Yes, LNL, I weoghed myself Monday and I'm still stuck too - 168.5 lbs. And really, although we did entertain (office party at our home) on the weekend, I had been eating really well all week and exercising faithfully. And eating grapefruit twice a day. And taking my vitamins. And taking chromium, magnesium and cinnamon in case insulin resistance is part of the problem.
I must get in to the lab and have my thyroid levels rechecked. I know that in the past, eating this way and exercising this much, I would have lost a lot more weight by now. My snacking is way down, my cravings are much better, I'm eating about 1700-1800 calories a day of really healthy stuff, and ...... nothing.
Okay - I will say, though, that I am firmer even if I'm not smaller.
You know, LNL, you may be right about your H. My H is one of the good guys, always was before his crises, has been after, and that's what helps us get through the aftereffects. From your descriptions of your H, though, he just might not have it in him to do what it would take to repair the marriage. (I still think, for what it's worth, that he's trying to keep that connection with you, but I can't blame you if you don't want it anymore.)
Okay - so yesterday, with a little of that yucky landmine residue still clinging to me, H was online looking at lodging for an upcoming trip to Hawaii (to attend a friend's wedding). He wanted to show me the places he'd found and I told him he had to do it on his own, that I just really couldn't help with it. That's all I said, but he knew why - we are going to the same area where he started his affair with OW, and it just brought back yucky memories to me of him scouting his "love nest" right under my nose with me knowing nothing about it.
Nothing more was said, but this morning I got an email from my H. I'll share it here because while I know not everyone's H's may be so eloquent, I bet other H's in Piecing feel the same way - so feel free to consider my H to be speaking for your spouse too.
Quote: My Beloved Ellie,
It's my fault and I want to apologize. With this trip to Hawaii, I realize that certain painful memories are being stirred.
Those were unthinkably difficult times. I own and I apologize for all that make Hawaii stir bad memories for you. I was wrong, I wish that I could do it over and I apologize to depth of my soul.
Here, today, I am privileged to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world who I love and adore. As much as what we transcended was horrible, where we arrived is unique, precious and wonderful. We cannot allow ghosts to spook us, to keep us from appreciating all that we have. We can't allow those bad memories of what we made it through steal from us what we have worked so hard to find. We cannot let the bad of the past erode the wonders of today.
Let's make this trip a celebration of what we've learned (together), what we have discovered (together) and most importantly, of what we have and are (together). I am yours forever and I don't want to waste a single day that we have (together).
I love you.
Yeah - that's why I never gave up on him. What a guy.
I know that my H is one who doesn't "do" self improvement...
