Imdi, I wish I could offer you advice on this, but I can't. I do understand not wanting him to feel like he's "having his cake..." but I do feel any connection you can keep with him is a good idea. In my case, I was doing as you are now, but about a month ago, H. decided we should not continue to do that anymore. I am not sure why, although I think perhaps there were many reasons: it was confusing for him, he felt it might be misleading me, and he was trying to prove himself trustworthy to o.w. Right around the same time is when I noticed a big change in his behavior...not calling as much, not coming over anymore, no more dinners together. So, I say if you can keep it going, it might be a good tie to have with him even though you have second thoughts about it, because you know he has o.w. and you are not living together right now. But only do so if you feel comfortable with it; don't do anything to compromise that.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- Thanks for your thoughts. Its a tough thing. I would like to think that my H wants to be intimate for the "connection" and not b/c he just wants to "get some." But, sometimes, I wonder. And then i thought, well, does he just not want to turn me down when i initiate? But, he also initiates, which of course made me wonder if its just sex to him. Oh, i don't know. Every time i tell myself that i am going to put an end to it, i back down. Its just really confusing, you know. Like, how can he be this way with me, but not want to be with me? I try not to think the worst, but sometimes it does get the better of me.
No contact from H yesterday. I didn't call him either. We'll see what he does today. I am not initiating any phone calls to him.
Feeling a bit low right now, although i am trying not to. No contact yet from H today. I don't know why it surprises me...this is the usual pattern. It just sucks. It is definitely harder after a good interaction to have such distance b/w us. Just feeling very lonely and not looking forward to going home after work to...well, to nothing.
Quote: Feeling a bit low right now, although i am trying not to. No contact yet from H today. I don't know why it surprises me...this is the usual pattern. It just sucks. It is definitely harder after a good interaction to have such distance b/w us. Just feeling very lonely and not looking forward to going home after work to...well, to nothing.
I feel that way and I have 2 kids and my wife still living with me. No wonder I'm so afraid of the alternative. Anyway, you are doing the best you can. You are trying to read his mind and I know for me that's a no-no. I still try that constantly but what's the alternative? Ask him? Oh, wait, that's forbidden R talk. I am in a low place too but I hope I can find a way out of it before I make a mistake I will regret (a heavy R talk with the W tonight). I think you will be ok. Come on here, post and hopefully there will be some kind soles who will be there for you to get you through the night. With any luck at all we won't need (and notice I say NEED) someone to get us through the night sometime soon...
We seem to continually follow the same emotions all the time. I, too, am having a down day and not looking forward to another evening at home after work missing H. It’s been a good day at work, so I can’t complain there, but as I said on my thread, I miss H. and the things we would do together. I wish we still had a R. and that we spent time together; I miss him, his laugh, his love. Imdi, I wish I could suggest something that would fill up that void. I know there is no replacement. So, meanwhile, you know the drill: do something nice for you, maybe order in for dinner, read a book, watch something funny on tv. Anything that will boost your mood even the least bit. That’s what I have to try to do, too. So, we’ll do it together knowing we’re in the same boat, ok? Many hugs, Imdi.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
TMU - before my H and I separated, things were so tense b/w us that the separation was actually welcomed. And it worked in the beginning. Anyway, i know how hard it is to be living with someone who really isn't "there."
Hope - you're right, we do seem to be on the same cycle of emotions. While i am sorry you have to be on the ride too, it is somewhat comforting to know that i am not alone, and that my feelings are not unusual. I know that i have to do things for me. Sometimes, it just gets so boring, you know? I dread going home and staying in my room for the rest of the day/night. Maybe i'll go to B&N tonight...get me out of the house at least.
I do miss my H...and i miss those stupid things that used to annoy me when we were together. Now, i would do anything for those things. Its just a comforting feeling to be able to go home to someone who loves you unconditionally. And, now, not to have that is just depressing. I never thought my H would want to live without me. Goes to show me that i should never assume.
Again, I understand exactly what you mean. I’d like to go home to find H’s lunch dishes on the table, his towel on the bathroom floor. Things like that. But, he wants it this way, he wants to live alone, have his own things. He said he never got to do this before and this is where he begins to blame getting married too young. You know, Imdi, I sometimes wonder if I’m being shielded from H. right now. Not that he was ever physically abusive, but his bitter moods, his quick-to-snap attitude (like, when he’s hungry or tired), things like this. I think it boils down to his depression that rises to the surface many times. He has not dealt with this. It makes me wonder if he’s like this around o.w. I don’t know. But maybe living apart, although it hurts me terribly, is best? Sorry to hijack…just thinking out loud.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope - no apologies necessary. I think you might be right about your H's moods. It certainly could be the depression that is causing him to snap at you, etc. It could also be the old "you hurt the ones you love the most." I sometimes think that people act that way around those they are closest to b/c they believe that the love is unconditional. Maybe he feels like you are the only one who really accepts him, faults and all. I bet he isn't like that around ow...that would mess up the "fantasy."
I have said before that when my H and i first separated, it was definitely for the best. Things had gotten so tense b/w us, that it was unbearable to live in the same house. Granted, our separation in the beginning was a little different b/c it was a "therapeutic separation" but i do believe it helped our R. We were able to take a step back from each other to heal, without being faced with the other person every day. And, despite the dire straits of my M right now, i do feel, in some ways, that my H and I are closer...does that make sense? Its hard to explain, but there are certainly aspects of our R that are better. So, this separation, although horrible, could be for the best.
Sorry to hear you're feeling down today. After a really crappy weekend, I'm actually feeling a bit more optimistic. It's just unfortunate we have to endure the bad before we can feel better again.
It's only been a week since I actually moved out of our apartment, so I'm not quite is the same boat, but already it seems like forever. I think the thing that hurts the most is that everything reminds us of our Hs and Ws.
And it really does suck to not be able to sleep in the same bed anymore!
Hope is right. Doing something nice for yourself will definitely make you feel better. Also I find that physically getting out of the house is good too. Maybe sign up to take a class.
I know I'm a pot calling a kettle black, but we cannot allow our happiness to depend upon anyone else.
Quote: I don't know why it surprises me...this is the usual pattern. It just sucks.
This struck a chord with me today. It surprises you because deep down in your heart, you know, you feel, you believe he's better than this. And despite trying to expect nothing from him in this situation, you're relying on that hope and faith --- and although that gets you through most days, some days it bites you in the butt because it opens you up to him again. It allows him to creep back in and take a little corner of you. It's a wacky balancing act. One day that hope and faith will carry you through and you'll know you're doing the right thing and that things will be OK. The next day all that hope and faith is dashed because he turns into (to steal SnS's phrase) a WANKER. So, then you have to rejuggle all those thoughts in your head.
The problem is, as much as our Hs are dealing in fantasyland, we're constantly trying to figure out what's real and what's true.
And you're right. It sucks. And it's not fair.
You hang in there, OK? Tomorrow that hope, that faith, that inner strength and beauty that you have will make you soar through the day.
