I thought that it might be helpful to others if we listed out what particular actions by our spouse we find most unattractive.
No bashing, just list actions that tend to drive wedges into your relationship over time.
Gel had mentioned that her husband not valuing her opinion created distance in their relationship.
Anyone else?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'll get the ball rolling....these are in no particular order.
1. Not hearing me out when I have something to say 2. Speaking to me in a patronizing tone of voice 3. Forcing an opinion on me.....I have my own mind, I don't need anyone to tell me what I should think, or that my opinion is "wrong".
These are behaviors that make me feel devalued in an R. All of these things are things my H was doing, but has greatly improved upon.
1. Blaming someone else for what I was unable or unwilling to accept/change within myself.
2. Fear (of dam near everything)
3. Not liking the 'choices' that were presented to me, and assuming I knew what the outcome of the choices would be should I choose either one.
4. When presented with choices I didn't like, I mistakenly thought I could find or create another choice to my liking if I just stuck with it long enough. (this being akin to 'taking the easy way out.')
5. Trying to change the other person to suit my preferences rather than accepting them exactly as they were.
6. Thinking that 'failing' was the worst possible outcome.
7. Attaching my self-worth to someone else's opinions.
8. Piss-poor boundaries, not defining myself and what I wanted in an R, and therefore using my unwillingness to own these things as an excuse for being a victim.
9. Thinking God would send me straight to hell for 'ripping' apart my family.
10. Using my partner's 'minimal' efforts as an excuse for not making a choice (well, he's trying. Well, he's a good man at heart; well, he's this, or he's that).
11. Believing in the concept called compromise. There is no compromise. Period. There are only choices.
12. By failing to understand that the minute I began backing off on who and what I am, I agreed to contribute to the demise of my R.
Corri
I'm still working on this list by the by, but these have been some of my conclusions.
1. Showing by her actions that she'd rather watch television than have sex. BY FAR THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I'D LIKE TO THROW A ROCK THROUGH THAT DAMN TELEVISION AND THEN DROP THE TELEVISION ON THE HEAD OF THE GUY THAT INVENTED TELEVISION. AND NO, WE DON'T EVEN KEEP THE TV IN OUR BEDROOM.
2. Criticizing some physical aspect of the house. Yes, I know there's always room for home improvement, but it bugs me when she's not satisfied with things the way they are, and always finding things that need improvement. Maybe in some cases it's justified and I'm overreacting, but I do tend to emotionalize it and see her disapproval with the "roof over our head" as disapproval of me and my providing. I'm also a lousy handyman, so I'm sensitive about that as well.
3. Making explicit promises of times for sex later in the day, and then coming home and being too tired or having some other reason for reneging on the promise. I have to remind myself, she doesn't understand. To her putting it off isn't as big a deal; to me, promising me sex tonight while on the way out of the house in the morning is just as if I had promised her a dinner date at the best restaurant in town, and when she comes home and breaks that promise, it's just as if I promised to take her out to dinner and then came home saying I just don't feel like going out tonight so let's send out for a pizza.
4. Not taking care of her physical health or keeping fit. And by this I don't mean her figure - I mean health and energy level. If she took better care of herself she wouldn't be "out of it" so much. Grr...
Overall every one of these items, as well as others I could come up with with more thought, boil down to "not thinking our sexual relationship is important enough to put time and effort into working on." Ultimately, that means I'M not important enough either...and, yes, it leads to my being resentful.
Speaking to me in a patronizing tone of voice (such as you might use when you've just brought someone home from a mental institution and they're speaking in gibberish and making no sense)
Snapping at me and biting my head off over something trivial
Speaking to me in that sighing, weary "you're such a PITA" tone of voice, and then denying he's doing that when I call him on it
Telling me I'm being too sensitive
Not apologizing... not being willing to own that he did something mean. Or the back-a$$ed apology: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I liked a bunch of Corri's, too-- especially me making excuses because "at least they're trying" when you're really not getting results.
1. Not focusing on me during romantic moments, i.e. in the middle of a kiss, the buzzer for the dryer goes off, "oops, I better get that!" Grrrr!
2. Not wanting to discuss our R or work on it. I know, actions speak louder than words, but the occasional productive R convo can go a long way toward building EC too.
3. Falling asleep on me. I guess she can't help it, but it just doesn't compute in my testosterone riddled brain how someone can fall asleep during sex or heavy affection.
The rest is just petty stuff that I am doing my best to get over, so I won't feed it by mentioning it here.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
