Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Hanging on/The Long Haul #6

A tone of voice this morning got me to thinking about this part of my personality, long explanation to follow. I got up a few minutes early to go outside and plug my truck in, I forgot about it last night. When I came back inside I told H that I could not get the skidloader started last night (some type of electrical problem, wiggle wires, two person job) so I couldn’t move it to get the tractor out so I could move hay. Before I finished the rest of what I was going to say he interrupted. He sounded irritated and surprised and wondered why I would have to move hay. I said there were just two big bales left handy for feeding, and that was before I had seen that someone else had already restocked the small bale supply. I said if you want help with the skidloader before I leave for work I would do that. We ended up doing that this morning.

So my thoughts I am wondering about are this. I don’t like to run low on ‘stuff’. Doesn’t matter if it’s toilet paper, deodorant, diesel in the truck, paper for the printer, hay in the hay pile, groceries, money, water in the stock tank, shampoo, ….get the picture?

Last night, knowing that the small bale supply would have to be restocked before I could finish chores, and that there were just two big bales left (a one or two day supply), I was going to restock the piles. The big bales are stored in a shed up the road, and we haul them down to in front of the barn so they are handy when we need to feed. One at a time, it takes an hour or two to restock for the week, and with the frigid temps I’ve been doing just two or three in a streak so I don’t get frozen and frost bit. Now sure, there were two big bales left, it didn’t have to be done last night. There was enough to feed today, maybe even tomorrow. But, I also know that things don’t seem to always work out like I plan, so I didn’t want to leave it all for tonight or when it turns into an emergency ‘have to do it right now’ situation. About that time what happens is I get stuck in town working late and run out of daylight for running up and down the road, or the critters broke thru the fence and I end up chasing them and fixing fence, or the skidloader won’t start, or someone stops in to visit…. So I wanted to run a few bales last night while I had time, but ended up I couldn’t. And when I mentioned to H that I was going to move hay last night, he was irritated. Why? It’s a job that needs to be done. And heaven knows I can’t ask hubby if he plans to do it.

But I got to wondering about that part of my personality vs his personality. He doesn’t usually do a task until the last minute, or past the last minute. He is seldom in a hurry, he is seldom rushed or concerned if something will get done. It’s just how he is, and yes, many times it drives me crazy. I think I’ve gotten much better over the years of letting things go, let him do it at his pace, but I’m not 100% there, I have relapses. Some of it is trying to support him with things that must be done so he doesn’t fail, so people don’t have bad thoughts that he is such a procrastinator but is still supposed to be the leader. I was always the person that needed a plan for the day, the week, the month, even plan a vacation ahead of time. I realized the more I tried to plan, the more hubby bucked making a plan. I know this, and have for years. But I continued for many years to try and make the plans, make him conform to my way of thinking. After all, I was right! But for quite a few years now I quit doing that, I quit planning out the calendar. Sometimes it is mandated, such as yesterday when I asked about the reservations for February. But for the most part I don’t plan or make plans for ‘us’ with hubby. It still drives me nuts. So when people ask what we’re doing next weekend, I say I don’t know. When someone asks ME if WE can come over, I say I don’t know, you’ll have to contact hubby and ask him too. I can’t just say sure, we’ll be there. I can’t even ask H a simple question about if he would like to or if he has other plans, he’ll get disgusted at me for asking and trying to make a plan. Just last night my sis asked if I/we’d be coming to the church service Christmas Eve, for many years we all did that together. I couldn’t answer for us, all I could say was I would like to plan on it but I probably won’t know until that day if it would be 1 or 2 of us. I have been changing some of this, making plans for me and if hubby wants to come he can.

It still makes me sad we can’t do things together like other couples. Simple things such as shopping for Christmas, or groceries, or farm supplies. Or sitting next to each other at the table. Or sleeping in the same bed. Or just making a plan to drive together to the same activity. Silly little things that married people do.

I didn’t want a repeat of the previous night, so I was in bed before he came home. Maybe that night the anger and rage he has kept inside was ready to come out, maybe I should have pushed a button and let him blow. The note he left I think was an example of his anger, that he is trying to stay in calm control of all of his emotions. I woke up this morning thinking how hubby never came to say goodnight when he got home last night. I imagine it is because he didn’t want me to know it was midnight before he got home from his ‘meeting’. It could also be this new phase we have begun, avoid all contact or communication, no good morning, no good night. But I was awake, and sad again. Sad that we have deteriorated to not even feeling like a friend at this stage. I laid awake early this morning and wanted to tell him that if he wants to act like he is single or to be involved with a different person, then he should just go get it done. But if he wanted to continue calling this place his home, then he should act like it, and at least have the courtesy and respect to treat me like any other person.

IMO, too many things are left hanging out on a limb and we can’t commit, and we miss too many opportunities that life presents to us. Because we don’t have a plan, we don’t make a plan, we just wing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s buying toilet paper, restocking the hay pile, or restocking our marriage. We just leave too many things hanging out on a limb, and the limb won’t withstand all the weight if we can’t pick some of the weights off the branch.

As I was leaving for work this morning, H had already parked the skidloader again and was off somewhere else to avoid me. I called and left a voice mail as I drove down the road. I said I had hoped to catch him before he blocked the tractor in again, and ask him to move the tractor out so if the skidloader wouldn’t start again I could still use the tractor to move hay tonight. And also, please plug the tractor in before you leave for the day, so it will start easier for me tonight. Unless you’re going to move some hay today, but then please let me know so I can make a plan for tonight.

Enough melancholy for now. It’s Christmas, pretty light snow falling, Christmas music on the radio, a weekend of activities and family to look forward too.

I am with you on the stocking of things.....I start having panic attacks if my pantry is not full or I only have 2 rolls of TP left or whatever. I can look into the laundry soap box and if it isn't over half full, I feel panic coming on. I know for me it comes from not having anything as a kid and as an early adult not having the money for the basics. Sadly, for me, security comes in the form of having an endless supply of "stuff". It is a huge personality difference, yours and your H's. Shouldn't be an obstacle to overcome, but he has to be aware of your way of thinking and you of his. Neither of you is right or wrong for your way of thinking, just different. One would think he would value that part of you, because it seems to create less work for him.

Methinks him protesting about you doing it is a sign of guilt from him. He KNOWS that he should be helping out more. That is what I used to do when my H would start cleaning house, I'd protest and say it could be done later, because I was guilty that he had to do it.

I am the same way about stocking up on stuff and planning ahead of time. I've had to let go of that over the years as well. That was OK with me when we were going with the flow together. Now that we're not, I've slowly gone back to making lists of things to do today, etc. This helps me stay focused and drift less.

WCW, this is the interrupting cow joke:
you: knock knock.
unsuspecting person: who's there?
you: interrupting cow.
As the unsuspecting perosn says "Interrupting cow who?" you interrupt them with a big "MOO!"

This also works with Interrupting Chicken.

MOO!

Cluck!

Neeiigghhhhhhhh!!!

So it's not just me? more of a Mars/Venus sort of thing? Women plan ahead, men wait until they're out of deodorant and then buy some? eewwww, toilet paper too?

I think it may be. We as women are the nurturers....we feel like we have to have everything we need. My H was never BAD about this stuff, he just never thought about goign and getting TP or he couldn't be bothered to do it. Someone else would do it. When it came doing "doing" something, he was good at being prepared, not leaving till the last minute, but as far as other things like keeping things stocked or whatever, forget it.

Hey WCW. YES! There are days when you sound like you are describing my marriage. Yes, I don't like to plan. Yes, I wait till the last minute and past it. Yes, my ex planned and planned (our standard joke was when she got a piece of paper and a pencil and I would say "Making another list?"). And most of all Yes, I did absolutly nothing to meet her halfway. I let her carry the ball lo these many years until the day she felt as though she was done taking care of everything and decided to take care of herself instead.

I don't condone H's actions, but I understand them and I did them. Probably one of my first official 180's after the bomb was a vow to remember to do things in advance to plan for whatever to prepare for whatever to be more like the organized type person.

Your wish to be able to do things together hit home too. My ex said the same thing to me and I didn't get it. Whaddaya mean? We do stuff together all the time (I'm not talking about sleeping in the same bed or other extremes you have of course).

I guess what I am saying is you have just expressed standard WAW frustrations. Maybe you can find solutions from that perspective. I'd be glad to tell him he is in grave danger of losing you of course, but he's not likely to listen to me. Hell, I didn't listen until it was too late.

Alrighty bigAl, I am sending you his email address, or would you prefer cell phone number?

I really do wish someone would talk to him, I've even thought about talking to the friend H was with yesterday. Explaining to him some of what is happening to us, maybe even leave out OW, and talk about the other resulting problems. Maybe this guy could give ME a whole different insight into what is going on with H. But again, I fear the public displays of our situation. If hubby decides to run, this guy will be one of the first I ask for advice. Do I wait until then? or is it something I should do sooner? I just don't know.

So what forum is the WAW doesn't want to walk away? I should be posting there!

I suppose I am extra frustrated today because I asked H to let me know about the stuff at home so I could make a plan. BIG mistake. I expected it wouldn't be a problem for him to make a simple contact with me to let me know, but he's bucking the plan again.

Detach from the bad parts, refocus, less consumed. Portray confidence! No, BE confident!

Been checking out your thread for awhile, but not had time to post (as with most threads, unfortunately). Loved the joke!

Perhaps you shouldn't ask anything of him, or volunteer any information? Go somewhat dark - or greyish? Sounds like your H needs something exploded under his hiney! As do most WAS's, I reckon.