Quote: Mines done. I wont ever allow myself to love another like I did her.
Well thank God for that. Should you love another like you did her, you're gonna create the same mess all over again... if you meant 'I will never love anyone as deeply or as intensely or open myself up to that kind of hurt again...' well, again... thank God. You'll have no reason to be a victim.
My Xmas wish for both you and Stig is that you gradually stop beating yourselves up for those boundaries (2 strikes and you're out rule)... most f'ing healthy thing you've probably ever done. It doesn't say in the manual that those little suckers hurt (boundaries) like the dickens sometimes...
I personally am in a place concluding that the hurt and the anxiety attacks that are the aftershocks of a broken R have NOTHING to do with love and my capacity for it.
Uhm... okay... I'm rambling.
Stig, hang the fcuk in there, dude. Xmas is a toughie, no doubt.
Or drag it over here corrie, I suppose this is a better thread to vent in then cemars.
Im waiting to see if he responds to anyone before I go there. Maybe he and Chrissy can get some sharing going on.
Mines done. I wont ever allow myself to love another like I did her.
This was BS, and I called myself on my BS right after typing it. I dont regret my boundary, but it has come with loss. Its alright I managed to stick to it without waffling, other then emotionally here. Ill love again, but I will try to avoid enabling, and will not engage in fire juggling.
Corri those are some thick, high, nigh on to unpenetrable walls you have up. Im not even going to try to make a ding in it, but if you want to open a door, my comment to you on Cemars thread still stands.
Hmmm. I'm wondering what you took from that short post to CeMar that makes you think I am feeling angry and vulnerable.... ?????
Corri
No, I wont be sidetracked into talking about me and exposing my skills. Im not that easy. Besides its feigning naiviety on your part. Doesnt suit you. You had a theory, we never got to talking about...
"Argh!! I just realized responding to everyone indiv. is eating up my countdown to my 50 post limit. Sneaky!"
Limit-shmimit. If you stop posting after 50 I'm going to put all my considerable resources to bear, find you, and personally kick your azz. And if you don't think I can kick your azz, think again. Many a young undergrad has thought they could push me around in the paint while playing pickup ball in the school gym. They found out the hard way I push back, times ten.
"Huh? I was not aware you took off, Chrome. I assume with W. But you're back, right?"
You are right, I never left W, except maybe in spirit a few times. But I did have my EA at the worst possible time, while W was pregnant. Although I guess if you think about it, that is probably the most vulnerable time for a troubled marriage.
Cool stuff on that site by the way. They say words of wisdom just say what you always knew in your heart to be true.
"Are you SURE you're a physicist?"
Well, to tell you the truth I usually try to emphasize ASTROphysicist. Most physicists I know are stuck-up azzholes who go around spouting how their branch of science is the most fundamental and thus the most important. Ever hear that quote from Rutherford (early model of the atom guy). "In science there is only physics, all the rest is stamp collecting." While true to some degree (most other fields spend a lot more time categorizing than physics does), physics does its own flavor (no pun intended) of categorizing with particle physics, and the other sciences are just as capable of discovering profound truths. Anyway, you are not the first person that has been surprised I am a physicist. Most people I work with say something along the lines of "but you are so easy to get along with, most physicists I know think the world revolves around them."
"They either help on our journey alone or hinder."
I think the ones that help us the most are the ones that have the most potential to hinder.
"Mein freunde"
Ditto, especially re: BF's comments regarding Belize. Think about it. I know anonymity has its advantages, but so would sipping drinks on a beach in Caye Calker.
"And there is no such use for "short" talk apparently. You, me, BF, NOP etc. are not vertically challenged, apparently. Does this mean there's another board out there with a group of guys 5'3:?"
Yeah, and I could kick all three of your azzes at once. I seem to be stuck on azz kicking tonight. Maybe I've got some extra testosterone running around after last night. I will point out though that short people scare me. What the heck are they doing down there? I can never figure it out. They just root around doing something sneaky and then smile up at me like nothing is going on. And I can never hear what anyone is saying at parties either. I know they are all talking about me.
"At least I won't be blowing a fortune on x gifts now. Whaddaya know? A positive!"
GROAN! Don't remind me. I'm definitely not the grinchy-type, but this year we are really busting a gut trying to find ways to fit in everybody. Blech!
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: I will point out though that short people scare me. What the heck are they doing down there? I can never figure it out. They just root around doing something sneaky and then smile up at me like nothing is going on. And I can never hear what anyone is saying at parties either. I know they are all talking about me.
As for limits, if stig wants a limit, how about a five- THOUSAND post limit, then we'll talk.
I think the three of you should definitely go to Belize and post daily from there in a thread dedicated to that one topic.
First of all thanks for the hang in there. T'giving was a monster to deal with. Now, 2 holidays bumper to bumper. I feel like I'm bobbing on a wooden barrel and heading toward the brink of Niagara Falls. May have to go underground at some point to thought-stop.
Now...
To BF, Corri, et al. How do I explain this post nonsense? Deep breath...long exhale.
And Corri, drawing me out (yes, I am watching. This is post 45 btw). In the words of that Aussie at the beginning of Jurassic Park who was thrashed by the velociraptor: "Clevah Girl." (wow, is that a dated reference)
I see a lot of post counts and registry dates and some of them overwhelm me. Now, I'm not ADHD (at least I don't think so) but I do not want to be Dbing one second more than I feel absolutely necessary.
When I detach I am in control of my pain. There are no unknown variables basically. I control my outcome. However, when I keep a vested interest in my broken R it's like feeling hot needles pushed under my fingernails. Chaos reigns. I know, I said I don't fear chaos but I feel I am playing with fire. No control over situation as it pertains to what comes out of the x camp. I'm almost to the point of dreading contact from her. I am Icarus and my x is the sun. If I fly too close to her and she has an OM2 I will crash into the sea.
There are people in other forums who are waiting out their SOs involvement with OW/OM...some months...maybe years even. I don't have that makeup. Going through the first A with OM dismantled my physiology in a scant 2 months. I was head over heels in love. I never let someone else have that power over me and I don't think I will let that happen again--which is a real shame IMO because I will hold part of me back from now on. My life is short IMO. My life expectancy is 76 years and change if I am healthy even. I pass trees on a daily basis that will be here 100 years after I am gone (if I even live that long).
Tangent.
Did you realize if you were to break down the appearance of man/woman on a calendar type representation his/her appearance would appear at 11:59 p.m. on December 31? We're talking about billions of Earth years here. The Holocene starts around 10,000 years ago through today. The billions of years of Precambrian time on the calendar would run around Jan.-July, something like that, starting at 4.5 billion years ago. The Paleozoic, Jurrassic (and you didn't think I could fit 2 totally unrelated Jurassic references in here...smirk), and Mesozoic periods occupy the next few months and we still have 65 million years to go to get to December.
So what's my point? Shrug. J/K Just saying I feel my grains of sand sifting down. I know we all feel it. Time does seem to move faster as we age.
Why the 100 post or 50 post quota for me? Well, I guess because I am here to learn. This love/life stuff is very tricky for me and I don't know if I have the background or qualifications to comment. Doesn't mean I won't continue to do so...just showing you an insecurity. I know. I'm being selfish. I'll grab what I need. Maybe lurk for a while, then split when I need to move on. I hope not though. I like the interaction here. I just needed to warn everyone this is who I am. I am nomadic in a way; a million web sites away in the future and exploring something completely unrelated.
Another deep breath....exhale. But the biggest fear I have about posting here etc. is my tendency to obsess intellectually. If I let myself get sucked in I could be in the thousands and thousands of posts, allowing it to consume my precious time I need to make myself better. I am estimating it will already take me at least a full year to make myself attractive again on most all crucial levels to Fs. And that's conservative. The one that will take me the most time will be the lofty bar I have set for wealth generation/acquisition.
It's also hard for me to reign in my unmanageable thoughts as it is. In terms of my R, I have dismantled my R in my head and put it back together piece by piece at least a thousand times in the past 2 months alone. I'll give you a better, if not very juvenile illustration:
Anyone remember that 90s computer game, "Myst"? A very cerebral and extensive fantasy type problem-solving game on multiple CDs that was supposed to take the average player maybe a few weeks or months to explore and hopefully solve.
Once I hit the first puzzle I could not stop. I dropped everything. I did not sleep. I barely ate. I had to beat it ASAP. My RL suffered as did my health and maybe sanity. I did solve it in around 3 days I guess.
I did not play another game like that ever again after that experience. It scared me, frankly.
And so this is all a roundabout way of saying if I don't tell my brain to watch the post count I will wind up trying to find the R/Dbing solution to every single person posting on this site. Yes, I have issues. Fire away.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
"...Though he is not Taurus, but Scorpio, you sound so much like him I was drawn to your post. The anger emanating from you made my cheeks burn as does his."
--Yes, and for some reason I always tend to associate with Scorpios; think I may be one in bull's clothing (aka "leather"). But too stubborn, like the bull. Hope your H is not someone with whom I would not want to be compared.
And this maxillo-facial cappillary dilation you speak of that I evoked from you. Hmmm. Not certain if this is good or bad in your sitch. Anger is an energy. It can be both used for good and bad outcomes when directed in certain ways.
Se you when I get home tomorrow, sweetheart.
LOL. Couldn't resist! Did your face just flush again? Tsk tsk, I know it did! Shame on me. Bad boy.
"I just wanted to say, as I would to him, today is not always the way it will be. You are so strong, keep up the GAL, time heals."
--Mucho gracias. What's that somewhat corny saying? "We are like tea bags. Only when we're placed in hot water do we know how strong we are." heh.
"Your WAW appears to be clueless as to what she's given up.
"
--I wish I could agree. At some point I will brutally dismantle myself to point out what made me unattractive to her...and I will be objective. A year or so from now, yes, I do believe she will be regretful. I will make certain of that even if we never again cross paths. My flaws are many but not deep. My core is sterling IMO.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
"She look at me and said "Snook"? I replied, and then in true x-wife fashion said, "Wow, you look pretty rough". :o
To which Snook could only reply, "Geeez, Thanks..." :p I was just glad it was the express line."
- Ouch. Hard to think in that sitch. Next time I'm sure you'll come back with, "Oh, hey! Wow, congratulations! When are you due?" Or, "I don't look half as rough as I feel. Sex, sex, sex...all the freakin' time. Is that all you women ever care about? Sheesh!"
Stig, Hang in there Dude. It will get better with time. [/quote]
- Thanks SC. I wish I could bottle this rollercoaster feeling and slip it into the drinks of enemies. Brain chemical withdrawal.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Im not that easy. Besides its feigning naiviety on your part. Doesnt suit you. You had a theory, we never got to talking about...
