....brain on fire. Have to write down thoughts and here is as good as any place. Don't like keeping journals at home or on comp.; too much clutter I'll never read again. Anonymity is good. Getting to point of telekinetic threshold and if that should occur I feel this computer will explode into a thousand fragments.
Channeling some heavy duty negative energy and I don't like it. If you're scanning posts looking for success and hope better stay away. I have to get this stuff out quickly like sucking out snake poison.
Is it possible to lock out a thread with a single post? We'll find out. Buckle in, it's going to be a long wild ride...
Thread title due to fact that I no longer believe in mating for life in this society. True love is just something you tell someone else to make you both feel fuzzy. Things getting a little rough? You no longer feel those butterflies of being "in love?" The R getting a little routine and boring? Well, hey! Here's your answer! Ditch the Bitch. Dump the chump. Doesn't matter; always another one coming down the pike. There are numerous "soul mates" not one. Probably true. I've been in too many weddings as a groomsman where the 'soul mates' filed requisite D and moved on to the next so-called soul mate.
Was best man in 2 weddings that ended miserably. One my own brother's that lasted all of 2 months before W told him around Christmas Eve she never loved him. 11 years ago and I know he's still in pain over that one, whether he admits it or not. Who wouldn't be? He gave up his life for her. He moved for her. He gave up his great job for her. Div.'d and buries himself in his work now. She gave him 2 months. Nice. And she was the one pushing for the M. Ah, now that's icing on the wedding cake.
Other M is best friend. D just finalizing now. Before this, they agreed to an S. It moves to reconcile and he finds out she's screwing her D atty during the reconciliation. Two-timing. She actually wants her H, my friend, to go after the D atty. b/c the D atty. dumped her cold. WTF?! He apparently promised her the high life; wine and roses. and she feels spurned. My friend is loyal blue collar guy. Not good enough I guess. Now a D and now a custody fight with a 5 year old caught in the middle.
[sidebar: probably not wise to ask me to be your best man, eh? Black cat]
Narcissists. Egomaniacs. Entitlement monsters. Cheaters. Liars. Instand gratification. Disposable society. Just throw it away if it's broken; buy another one. Gimme, gimme, gimme. I want, I need, I crave, I lust. I want more. I want what he/she has. Why aren't we like the Joneses? You're supposed to read my mind. I'm not happy. I want to be taken care of. You don't make enough money. I don't want to work. This isn't healthy. I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore. I want to get on with my life as fast as possible. I want to find a more enduring love. It's not you, it's me. I need to think things over (without including your involvement of course). I don't picture a future with you. We don't have sex anymore. My needs aren't being met. (Yeah? Drop some of your needs.)
Took board posting hiatus although occasionally scanned posts. Brain in heavy flux, bi-locating between obsessing incessantly over my R to work overload. Curse of the INTP. (another curse is their inability to extricate themselves from bad Rs) BB is therapeutic but I have to stop obsessing and convincing myself things could be worse...I could be 8 mos. pregnant. LOL.
And, speaking of. I know there are Fs on this site in just that sitch. Pregnant and their SOs take off. These are not men. If one of these did this to my sister he would not be long for this world. But that's modern society for you. No accountability for anything...blame others. Run away to save yourself. Hide from your lack of character. But bad things always happen to the good people, don't they? Bad people skate and prosper. But my belief in the afterlife and karma keeps me from giving up on the idea of payback on them.
At one point in late Nov. around 15 hours sleep in 5 days due to business chaos and total inability to concentrate. Past the 2 month point after moving out and am questioning why in the hell I'm even bothering with this DBing stuff anymore since x seems perfectly willing to throw the last 6.5 years of my life away for potentially greener pastures.
And how I found the SSM board anyway I don't know. I technically should be in the 'separated' etc. forums but I just lurk there and elsewhere occasionally. But I have to admit, the stress level in my R over the past few years was so great that it was extremely SS...plague of living in such a life and cash-sucking city.
The collection of types here tweak my limbic system and I'm drawn here for whatever reason. The other forums just don't seem to have the same variety of types but maybe I'm not looking deep enough.
Think The original 100 post question mark I set for myself I may cut down to 50. I don't know. I'm seriously considering buying a cottage on the Black Sea for next to nothing. A dollar can go a long way in Bulgaria. And their wine is nothing to be scoffed at. Or holing up at friend's empty beach house in the Dominican Republic for a while. Argh! Forgot. No Internet.
Guess I'll stay the course and think about that later. The past is past. The future is uncertain. Living in the here and now. Carpe diem. DB is helping with Mind via GAL, however. Starting to lose respect for x...and it hurts; it really, really hurts.
I am really lonely. The holidays are killing me. I fake all my smiles and feel completely dead inside. You can "as if" me all you want but I'm human, for godsakes, not some wacko "a smile is a frown turned upside down!" Pollyannaish automaton robot. Tis the season to be jolly. Uh-huh. I hate being in a cold unfamiliar bed. I hate not wrapping myself around her warm body and falling asleep. I miss her light snoring and her rhythmic movement from her breath. I miss her scent. I will destroy these memories via GAL etc.
Life is hard and so am I. Novocaine for the Soul
Also was negatively charged this past month and absent from the DB BB due to an admitted resentment building after reading posts. Resentful that others are still with their SOs and there is some type of communication or even the tiniest effort to work through issues. Don't get me wrong. I am glad for them, I really am. I admire their efforts for self-awareness and compassion for their SOs. Why can't my x be like you all? This of course is followed by a complete thunder-crack of a feeling of self-delusion and doubt as to my worthiness of even attempting to offer "insights" on these boards anymore since I seem to be completely unable to figure my own Sh*t out as it is.
As an old German proverb goes:
“Ein jeder kehr’ vor seiner Tür, da hat er Dreck genug dafür.”
Or, roughly: Everyone sweep in front of his own door. There’s plenty of dirt right in front of you.
So I saw x for the first time in 2 months last weekend. Stayed at hotel in city while looking for new apt. and going to a Christmas party on Sat. night. X going to birthday party in city with F relative and relative's new BF. Why don't we meet for a drink?
X invited sales guy from her conferences and local res. to the birthday party. 16 years her elder and finalizing his D. My replacement? Normally x and I would have gone to this party for a mutual friend.
Took cab uptown from hotel to have a drink with x etc. in her apparent new booze haunt. Funny, x, you never liked to drink...and especially around me. Perhaps a DB violation not to hit neutral territory or on my own terms but F it, was tired of strategizing and charged neutral; or, in SelfContainedUnderwaterBreathingApparatus terminology, became 'neutrally buoyant for encounter.
Will only stay an hour and split to party. Party was formal so was in best black suit and "go to hell" long black trench. Def. dressed to kill.
Met x, F relative, and wolfpack of x new friends, random sales guy type alphas I never heard about while we were together. She loves being the only F in pack of Ms, always has. Gotta love being tall. Comes in handy in times like these. Nothing like strolling into a crowded bar and being around a head taller than most other Ms...esp. BS artist sales types and cliched obnoxious garrulous Napoleonic businessmen.
Apparently x hadn't even bothered to mention who I was. No one had a clue. Sales alphas were curious though. Made them laugh. Frame control. Mirrored speech patterns/subjects. Laughing inside b/c they don't know I'm being insincere and patronizing. One asked if I was "Bjorn" guy he heard about. Uh, no, go away. Said oh, I looked Nordic; a Euro. , no, try primarily Deutsch with pinch of Scandinavian and Welsh (hence the sardonic cynicism/humor). Yeah, I know. I am the embodiment of what Adolph and the Our Haus gang were trying to create in their quest to create the "master race." Tall, blonde hair, gray-blue eyes, high cheekboned Aryan poster boy MFer.
X used to fondly refer to my eye color as "glacial ice water." Thanks for the memories.
Andhow paradoxical is that anyway? Master race of humans loaded with recessive genes, lol. Come on Adolph, black/brown hair, dark eyes etc...dominant genes in the genotypical/phenotypical Punnett Square. Look in the mirror, you're the 'master race' biogenetically speaking, mein dorf fuhrerr, not this recessive gene reflecting pool. My homozygous alleles are aabb. Yours are AABB.
Went outside to have a cigarette with her. I don't smoke; except for the occasional Cuban or Dominican cigar etc. with my favorite single malt. gave it up for lent years and years ago. X noticing my hair, suit etc. all looked really good and that I also smelled good. Yeah, thanks, you too.
Ex shadowing "just friend" and potential OM2 16 years her senior and in final paperwork of his D. Will lose a lot of $$ in the process but still think he's a millionaire from what I glean from x. Why are they checking in with each other when the other steps out etc? Hmmm. And why did she get defensive about me knowing his last name a few months ago? Uh...because while many other Ms have their heads buried in the Times or Journal or watching some sports nonsense I'm actually paying attention to what you say, sweetheart.
I think I know the answer though and I'm guessing NOPkins would be all over it too. Sigh.
Oh, did I mention all of these alphas prob. make 5x what I make? Ah, $$$, the great leveller. I hate having to think about money so much. I never used to be like this. But I know at my age it's important. And it's important to the x, since if we were to have kids she didn't want to work. Can't live in this city with one salary typically. She did warn me more than once.
And she makes more than me, a lot more. Major male ego blow. It ate away at me. Felt Self sliding out of alphadom. Think she picked up on that scent and started losing respect. Wouldn't be here on the DB boards if I were set for life. I'm pretty sure of that.
And I still don't save but at least am practical. X is anything but. 4k/month on the Amex this past summer? WTH? But I must admit, even the definition of currency is counterintuitive to saving. Currency; etymology from the latin word 'currere,' meaning, "to run or flow." Garbage in, garbage out. Greenback in, greenback out. Stigmata in, Stigmata out.
And like I always told x and other Fs, if you saw a single and available Bill Gates behind the counter of your local Quickie Mart and didn't recognize him you would peg him as a loser dork and wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a hello.
But if you knew who he was and saw him in a room full of the hottest hunks on the planet with waiter jobs you'd be on Billy boy like ants on honey...57 billion dollars will have that effect on a gal. The true cynic in me would say you'd save one of the hunks for a little side A while Bill was holed up in his office all week. Sheesh, gotta ease up. Promised myself no bitterness; useless emotion to me; non-productive as I plan my work and work my plan in life.
She ripped my heart out and went shopping. Crushed me. But did I beg, plead, cry? F no. That's how you feel? So be it. Maybe one day she'll respect me for that.
X pounding drinks out of nerves and getting tipsy. All I could think of was how utterly surreal this was and how the last 6 years of my life had become so completely invalidated as to not even deserve mention from her. My god, we've known each other more or less for almost 15 years. She probably said I was a "friend", wouldn't be the first time. Was going to say who, in fact, I was to them (ie, her 'x') but detached even further. Who the F cares? I don't have to explain anything to any of them; will never see you again anyway so stay out of my grill. Go sit on your fat wallets.
Ding! goes the mental egg timer.Left after exactly 1 hour to the minute for Christmas party. X gave me hug and kiss on neck where her favorite cologne was of course as I was entering cab. A "Bye, sweetie" slipped from her lips. Ooops! Hadn't heard that one since the bomb. Thanks vodka, I owe you. Cab ride there smirked and thought, 'nice to know I played such an important role in your life, x. Not even worth a mention to these guys. Guessit might blow your 'available' rap., huh?' Felt a silent rage coming on as we flew the 70 blocks to the party.
Party was great. Didn't know a soul there, which made it that much more interesting. Thrown by a couple of fun-loving university alums, dot-com millionaires in their mid-20s. Good for you, guys. You guys are cool and actually deserve it IMO. Impressed by the size of their truly massive, MASSIVE loft. I'm guessing the place is running over 15k/month if rented and at least $5 mill if owned. String quartet followed by verrry excellent DJ. Nice.
Already had drinks in earlier encounter with x but kicked it in via hitting the champagne...and hitting it again and again, while mixing in a Stella or two and a couple vintages of good wine. Moderation goes out the window. Guess the x encounter affected me more than I let myself believe.
Anyway 2 young lasses, much younger than I dragged me to the dance floor ant at one point I was dancing with both simultaneously. I don't remember names. Only remember one was a smoking Puerto Rican. I think this is what it feels like to be an alpha again but it's been so very, very long I can't remember.
Got back to hotel about hour before sunrise and slept through checkout. In fact, I was awakened by x ringing my cell. Idle chit chat I don't remember fully due to hangover but do remember her saying she ended up telling her new sales friend alphas who I was after I had vamoosed and they gave her hell, as in she must be crazy for leaving me...somehow they were impressed with the Stigmata persona. Her words. And they're only her words, which have been suspect in the past. If you want any shred of respect from me then tell me the f'ing truth...radical honesty, as Harley says. Don't think she's capable of going radical though. Sigh.
You already burned me once with OM. And I lost 35 LBs in less than 2 months during it. Was/is this OM #2 and the reason behind the ILYBINILWY? If so, please tell me and don't lie again. It hurts more to be lied to than to be told of an A. I can't go through that again. But I already know I won't go through that again.
The heroin sheik look I sported last time is not in fashion today. And my frame can't handle it again. I lost all muscle and bone since I never had much adipose. Probably suffered some organ damage too. I'm already knifeblade thin again.
Have to go heavy/low rep free weights to GAL, gain mass, and get healthy.
But this time is different. We're split. The motional toll from first A with OM was like nothing I had ever experienced before. And I've experienced some heavy duty pain in my life. Read your X-rated chats. BANG! My heart exploded in a fine red mist yet somehow I survived. Lightheaded. Blood drained from face. Couldn't even breathe. My arms both went numb and I couldn't even move them. Shell shock. Caught totally offguard. Only food I could keep down was water with lemon squeezed in it for next month or so.
Going other way this time...a la...
Nutrition: already cut out refined sugars, white flour, and starch long time ago. Keeping low carbs as carbs are brain fuel. Cutting out carbs is akin to starving your brain. Atkin's Shmatkins. Stepping it up. Now going for small farm pasture grass-fed beef; avoiding the pesticides from the grocery store grain-fed beef. organic Omega 3 free range eggs; fish is tricky. Too much mercury in tuna and now salmon--however there is one Oregon supplier with very fresh salmon who ships; alternative is fish oil supplement.
Bastard FDA. high Fructose corn syrup. Manufacturer-invented hybrid sweetner (thanks ADM). Total poison. Look at anything you buy, especially kid's cereal. Hi fructose corn syrup. Corn is for fattening cows, not kids. But it's real cheap. Profit-whores starting adding it to kiddie cereals and everything else under the sun in 1978. It is no coincidence every single year since that year the obesity rate in children has shot up.; it has more than doubled in fact Prior to that...stable.
What the hell am I talking about? Where was I? Oh, yeah...
Huh, what is this? This alleged, unverifiable comment on how alphas supposedly gave you hard time for dropping me? Or is it just a CYA ploy in an attempt to appease me ex post facto and you never said anything? Am I officially promoted from the ranks of the beta...perhaps omega even, to the alpha again?
I don't feel that way, though. I think I'm in limbo-land somewhere. Def. turned into a beta...the betas are the wolves who dote on the pack Fs as they're nursing etc., running errands, supplicating, grooming, letting the alpha mate, lead, and order. The omega is prob. too far down for me. That male is the epitome of submissive. Let's himself get pee'd on, shows his soft underbelly, is ostracized, and only gets the vulture scraps of the kill after everyone else has gorged themselves and nap.
Have dropped the rope, kicked it aside, and have gone dim, to dark again, and now pitch black--even cutting the 220 line in essence. Bitterness and resentment silently creeping over mind like an ominous fog. Gotta keep it at bay at all cost.
I remember the secret now. Humorously macho, as BF once remarked. But also ridiculously confident and assertive. A PIMP. I can do that. After all, I'm doing it now. Think about it, Ms. Which post author do you think an F would be drawn to foremost? This assertive confident rant/post you're reading now or a post from an M LB poster in the same sitch where he was weak, blubbering, crying, confused, and wallowing?
(stimulating Fs 'text-based limbic centers also helps in my case.)
How did I lose that and why didn't I notice it sooner? Ah, yes, the A. Always the A. An A will pull out your foundation faster than anything, man, and turn you into a weak, clingy, controlling paranoiac if you let it--especially if you never saw it coming. It did it to me. No more oversensitive insecure doormat for me, ladies. Go wipe your Prada stilettos off on some other schmuck.
"Life is white. And I am black. Jesus and his lawyer are coming back..."
This is all so unnecessary. We had such an amazing EC. We were best friends, weren't we? Well, at least that's how I felt about you. Same tastes, so much history, so many hardships we weathered together. Even talked about a future baby in same month as bomb. WTF?
And that diamond and platinum ring I gave you from Tiffany's a few weeks earlier cost more than a lot of guy's engagement rings. I asked for it back--way too significant for me. You gave it to me and went ballistic on me for taking it back. Yeah? Well, what did you want me to do? It was given on our anniversary. Wanted to give you back some pain too. Don't worry, I won't recycle it in my next R or hock it like I said I would do. Meant for you. It means nothing to me now except broken dreams and failure. You can have it back as a twisted souvenir.
And make sure it's on your finger when you're in bed with your next M. Bring the pain, baby.
Oh, yeah, and that emotional letter the day after I left? Begging me not to cut you out of my life? You know I'm hard core that way. Can count on one finger the number of people I have given second chances to...you. Friends? I want the cake, you want to give me crumbs. Sorry. You get all of me or none of me. Don't cut you out because "it will just kill me." Well, guess what, I'm not responsible for your pre-meditated suicide.
Only thing keeping my nav. system on track is my values system. Curse of the Taureans. Loyal to a fault. Too loyal. William-freakin'-Wallace loyal. If you're my friend, you desperately need a kidney and I match? Let's go, put me on the table and let's do it. Me kidney su kidney.
And it's this integrity hardwiring that keeps me from becoming a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point. But unlike that self-deluded idiot I'm lucidly aware of my issues of self-hatred. I wasn't always this way, admittedly, as I didn't know the extent of my poor self-worth issues. Loved them and left them without much care or concern. Now, at this point in my life, using women by being emotionally shut-down would just reinforce this glaring self-loathing flaw in my persona and turn me into a person unworthy of the air I breathe; plus it's completely immature and a banal existence to me.
Being a player takes energy I can best use elsewhere in my life.
Lest any new DBer looking for PMA should make it this far down my rant I need to caution you not to feed off my vibe. Let it go. It's mine and not yours. DB does work; it really does. I have seen in working on x even if I'm having trouble committing myself to it. Stay positive. The Mind is utterly amazing in what it can accomplish with focus and persistence. And the GAL advice is key. Gotta expect the worst and hope for the best. You'll be better emotionally either way than if you never knew this stuff...sitting around crying, stalking your Xs, becoming the pathetic self-made victim in all of this--Blech!
And if you're on the outs as far as I am I have found this exercise to be helpful. I picture myself at my x's funeral; sitting there looking at her closed casket. She is gone. The person I thought I knew is gone. Then I get up and walk out alone into a picture perfect day. And if I happen to cross paths with the x again during all of this she is, to me, as new as the first day I met her. And I'll treat her that way. As the DR and DB books say you have to become the same person you were that first time if you want them back. And if you don't, at least you're back to exuding attractiveness again for someone else.
Well, enough already. I feel the last few drops of venom between my lips...looks like I got it all out in time before it started shutting down my autonomic CNS. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll make it through this, right?
"Life is good. And I feel great.
'cause mother said I was a great mistake...
Novocaine for the Soul.
You'd better give me something to fill the hole....
Before I sputter out..."
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
I can't tell you anything that will make it better. Only time can erode it enough that it becomes manageable.
As for soul mates, that is nothing more that brain chemistry. Love is a choice. Real love is what you do when all the feelings are gone. Your X either didn't understand this simple truth, or she lacked enough character to see her through the hard times.
The thing for her, is that she will do this again and again until she either learns the truth or grows tired of the chase.
My mother finally figured it out a couple of years before she died. I hope that your X learns her lesson sooner rather than later. Either way, make sure that you learn what you need to from all this experience and pain. It is possible for you to come out of this wiser from the experience, although you will be a bit worse for the wear and tear.
Hang in there, the old silverback will come out to play soon enough. The time is soon to come that you won't think about her or want her back. She will start chasing you again at some point after that. You will have to decide what you want then.
Do get back to the heavy lift. Get cut and fit. Take it out on the steel. Get a new man back in the process.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Stigmata: Bear with me a second, as I tell a funny story. I have a huge nose. It started growing in about seventh grade, and outpaced the rest of the face. As the SSM folks suspect, I was able to circumvent a lot of the pain associated with a big nose and the accompanying insults, with humor ("big nose, big hose"; "I don't have a long nose, I have a short face"; " "Wow, check that out...that is huge!" "Yeah, that's what your momma said last night, buddy").
But my nasal humor paled in comparison to that of my best friend. Once, when we and some other friends were sitting around in his basement (I swear, even though it was the late 70s, and we were listening to the local rock station, we were NOT getting high), I sneezed. This particular sneeze was like some sort of low-grade nuke-yoo-lar blast. (Who am I kidding...all of my sneezes are like that). It was loud, and, as soon as the echoes of it died away, we were left with silence. My friend was the first one to speak up. With his hands outstretched, as if he were grabbing an invisible basketball, and his face twisted in a mixture of wonder and hope and sincere honesty he said:
"If only there was a way to harness that power!"
And that's the point I'm trying to make, Stig. That was a great read, made even more compelling by the circuitous, stream - of - consciousness method you used. You are a creative, intelligent, emotionally vibrant writer, and if you're at all like that in person, well, meeting you would be an intense event.
You are going through some painful times right now, and have suffered in the past. But don't let it consume you. Instead, think about this trite phrase: what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. It's trite, but there's a lot of wisdom there, too. I know that my pain has forced me to grow in ways I never would have, but for the need to stretch, to understand, to comprehend the madness.
I never liked that expression " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." The truth is, sometimes you are weakened by a traumatic experience. Some people end up in psych hospitals. Sopme people never recover.
My feeling is that a crisis, although certainly not welcomed, gives us an opportunity for change. You will not be exactly the same...hopefully, you move forward and gain some wisdom and personal growth for all the wear.
Stigmata, I wish you peace of mind and better things in 2006.
He offers a refreshing view on love, romance and falling in love as an adult conscious choice. He stresses the importance of taking our self-worth out of the equation in romantic relationships. "As we learn to take our self-worth out of the romantic interaction dynamic, then we can take responsibility for the feelings we are having. Another person does not have power over our feelings unless we give them that power."
He views "failed" relationships as opportunities for growth and the X is viewed as that teacher that appeared in our life at that particular time for a reason.
I really empathize. I know I may seem like the enemy given your quote:
---------------------------------------------------------- Pregnant and their SOs take off. These are not men. If one of these did this to my sister he would not be long for this world. But that's modern society for you. No accountability for anything...blame others. Run away to save yourself. Hide from your lack of character. But bad things always happen to the good people, don't they? Bad people skate and prosper. But my belief in the afterlife and karma keeps me from giving up on the idea of payback on them. --------------------------------------------------------
but I am aware of the angst you feel, the searching for answers to how you can feed your passion for life while opening yourself up to so much hurt. And even if you find someone who will stick with you through thick and thin, in the end, we all die alone. We all have to make that final step in ourselves, by ourselves. How do we combat that ultimate lonliness, that no matter how hard we try no one can ever fully share this journey with us. And the more we share, the more hurt and pain we open ourselves up to. And then if we do tie ourselves to someone, and they reject us later, how do we deal with the pain. Are we "men" and stoically endure, or do we give in to our baser animal nature and lash out, in one way or another. There has to be an answer to it all. But then I realize that people have been searching for this answer in one way or another for thousands of years (at least) and only a few ever find it.
OK, I'm starting to ramble a bit. I hope you will be able to look upon me as a friend, despite my shortcomings. If you'll have it, I give whatever help I can.
I hope for the best for you,
chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
dafty, this link you posted is incredible! I encourage everyone to go there and read the article. I've heard this stuff before but never in quite this clear, blunt way-- this is just the beginning of the article
Quote: Falling in love as a choice
"One of the biggest areas in this culture that we are trained to relate to from a victim perspective is in relationship to romance. To paraphrase the quote from my book above: 'it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view romance in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes.' We learned that romance was magical - that finding our prince or princess was a destination to reach where we would live happily ever after. We learn about "falling in love" as if it were a camouflaged hole in the sidewalk that we just happened to fall into."
"It was vital for me to start owning that falling in love was a choice I was making - not some lightening strike that I was powerless over. As long as I was reacting unconsciously - not owning that I had some power over the beliefs I was empowering and therefore the feelings I was set up to experience because of the perspectives and expectations those beliefs created - then I was in my codependency and powerless to make choices. I was then doomed to end up blaming her for not being a magical princess and/or blaming myself for being such an ugly frog."
"The reality is that I have choices in life, and I need to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices. If I choose to get involved with someone romantically, the responsibility for any emotional reactions are mine - not the other persons. I may feel like the victim of her behavior, but I can tell myself the Truth - which is that I am responsible for the feelings because I was the one who choose to give* her some power over my feelings."
_____________________ * And go on choosing every day... Lil's note
aww, the sense of empowerment when we realize that we, and we alone are responsible for our feelings and choosing on a conscious level to be in the relationship that we are in and what that means for us.
There you are. And how I found the SSM board anyway I don't know. A convergence of events has lead you here, and I for one am glad you found your way here. Its very selfish of me, I know.
To 90 % of the rest I say,
I concur. Yep so much so its freaky. I know what you were talking about when you mentioned reading my posts, now.
To the 10% of angst I say take a deep breath, slow down, make some definitive plans and goals. Be in control of you. Dont take responsiblity for others mistakes, but dont externalize either.
You are in for a continuation of your ride. It is a rollarcoaster in feeling. T's hate that with a passion.
This has no bearing on anything really, but I met my physical alter ego 2 weeks ago. At my feeding spot. We both just stopped and stared. The bartender I was working with did too, her head was on a swivel. We both noticed that too and it was Quite comical to both of us. In fact most of the staff mentioned something about my brother, etc. Ive lived all over and seen many repeats of people I have known, and bound to happen eventually to me also, but still it was freaky. Im looking forward to seeing what he is like.
I feel that same mixture of feelings again. Whoa this is weird. But as a blonde that would make you my doppelganger, you Germanic MF'er.
I feel your pain, I remember it clear as a bell. I still get the occasional wave. The not eating and dropping so much weight you can littaraly feel your body consuming its own organs for nourishment.
Whew. Thats what prompted me to leave.
Anyways I feel as If I have met my mental doppleganger with you, Its terrifically interesting to me, and I hope you stick around a bit, or at least get in touch with me. My email is posted in my profile. Whats with you and caring about your post count. My life is quite full and busy, though my parasympathetic has resumed mostly normal functioning-thank you, but I have made some virtual friends here.
I second NOP and urge you to deal with the pain, squash yourself and your urge to 'fix things' fight for, etc your R. Know what has to be, to have a good R. You know. Force yourself to walk down that road. I did it with many mistakes, withdrawals, rants, second guesses, but for me I wouldnt have a M based on neediness.
You up for Belize, with chromo? I was serious. I am not going anywhere I cant get a highspeed IC. (internet connection, not intercourse, sheesh everyone here has sex, sex, sex on the brain. LOL.)
And it's this integrity hardwiring that keeps me from becoming a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point
That is not hardwired its a choice and right now a hard one. Your personality does have some bearing on this choice though. I self admittedly went to the dark side divorce day/night. Maybe someONE can make me do what I dont believe in. No, my choice, my response- ability. Lead to hatred of self and hatred of x. NO. not positive I have no need for negative emotions. I learned a lot about her feelings/reactions (I educatedly guess/assume) and myself though from it. Collateral damage was so minimal, no sleep lost there.
So now I'm just trying to rectify memories, do I lock them down and throw away the key per my SOP, or do I consider her deceased so I can remember the good and forget the bad....
You clearly see your mistakes, and hers. You simply cannot show her hers. You have and are a lot to offer. Her loss. Seriously. Truly.
The rest is opiate addiction. Stop the drug. cut it off. I wish I knew of something less painful and quicker then cold turkey myself. Nop if you know of anything other then self control and will I would like to hear it.
Hmmm, maybe I should drop Professor Shulgin a line and see what research chemicals he could whip up for it...
I realized something in the shower today. (its where I like to think.) I was scrutinizing my 'strength's, how might they be my weakness, and I realized again, that I get to far ahead of myself so to speak. Thinking in terms of chess, you see the board you see your opponents strategy, and know where its going to lead. But personally I sometimes forget? to handle the here and now steps. Ill forget? skip my 2nd move, and make my 3rd, because I am thinking of 7,8,9. Which leads me to Fcukerizing myself. . Which is where the advice I received to get out of my head, and into the here and now and react to what IS happening, instead of what you know is going to be the outcome, absolutely brilliant.
My point? Deal with the hear and now. Be authentic to your feelings, bottling them leads to violent venting and explosions. Sooo. Care to flesh out your sitch more? Ill see thru your angst and BS ravings so go ahead keep getting that out to. What is the status.
Is she D'ing? Legal seperation? What are your plans? What are your intentions. Did you move out or did she? I see some of her coding allready, and I see that you do too. What are you gonna do with it?
Honestly, though I cant control another, and NOone could get me to do something I dont believe in--I feel I drove my x to D me. I told her to knock off her behaivior, or D me. Took her to courthouse and stood there while insisting she fill out papers properly. During Reconcil. If she wanted to D, Fine. If she wanted to work on us, Fine. If she wanted to hem and haw around. UH-UH. To her credit she didnt want to, and things were spectacularly better when I gave up fear, quit caring, stopped fighting and made my decision.
untill a week later when I snarled on her. Actually I probably bit her a few times too. then shook like a terrier.
Talk about a negative push.
Anyways, whats your plan. What do you want? IF you dont have one you will be willy nilly. Already are, but it will be worse. In my mind I see differences, I dont find you as culpable as I do myself causing my own D.
Oh yeah, Money can get some women some of the time. Forget it. Bill Gates is confidant and self assured, has status, and a alpha. Women dont care about looks. If he was not those things even with money he would get left.
For example look at Nick and Jessica, hes good looking has money. I saw a couple episodes of their show, he was needy and wussy with her. No nookie for him for sure. I could see his confusion, he was trying to be 'nice'. also there is a bar in NY called TBar? If I remember correctly Its been a while. maybe gone now. Lots of young gold diggers and 3 or 4 decade older very money gentleman. Not a laugh or smile in the place.
Emotions, making them feel good, gets all of them, all of the time. Your 'sin', 'mistake' was not lack of huge money. She 'loved' you before, during and after your successes of the past several years. You know it. In my observations, and now experience, a woman has a A with OM who is good at the ONE thing the man lacks. Its not the reason though.
Oh yes, This is not a death knell. It is a rebirth. You dont get to be a black swan as you are blonde.
Your 15 year loss is great and I feel for you. You chose to love her, and probably remember where you were and when you made that mental Choice.
She was/is terrifically attracted to you and had/has great affection for you.
Have you figured out what your life puzzle is? Do you know what your crashing insecurities were?
“Ein jeder kehr’ vor seiner Tür, da hat er Dreck genug dafür.”
Much like 'remove the rafter from your own eye before attempting to remove the splinter from your brothers eye'.- paraphrased Mattew 7:3-5
BS artist sales types Know your enemy. The pincipals taught in sales are pysch sound and not BS. I have gone to several of those seminars, because of previous careers, and a number of CD, DVD courses in my library.
I know what you meant, though.
Didn't know a soul there, which made it that much more interesting Bravo Intro.
Holiday's are tough this time last year we were getting back together, doing family stuff, planning on 2005 being better. Hope you have family to spend it with.
that diamond and platinum ring I gave ....
I won't recycle it in my next R or hock it like I said I would do. Meant for you. It means nothing to me now except broken dreams and failure. You can have it back as a twisted souvenir
The creepy similarities continue...
a BF OM type...a womanizing wrecking machine; that's how angry I am feeling at this point. But unlike that self-deluded idiot I'm lucidly aware of my issues of self-hatred.
He is neither self delusional nor an idiot. He is completely aware and intentionally interested in swaying people to the dark side. He has been this way since he was a child. In light of some new education I think he may be a narcisstic poet. Which means he mimics warriors. and feeds off their energy. I remember one time when he was brutally manipulating a gf I told him to stop being autistic. I believe, I always had his respect because he was unable to sway me in anything. We argued vociferously about politics, morality, and humanity vs being animals. He falls in love with girls he cant sway, but when the capitulate he loses all interest and adds them to his Menagerie of off and on sex partners.
If I believed as strictly in survival of the fittest as he does, I would likely be in some 6 x 6 concrete room despite my thinking I am smart enough otherwise.
Now I hear everyone saying why did you let him live with you. (or maybe thats just my own internal voices.)
She was MY WIFE. She either chose to love me or didnt. She did, untill she didnt. I know now that I put her in a untenable situation. I regret it. I have guilt. I am paying. I wont do it again.
Enough about the deceased. So much more to comment on, maybe later.
I can't tell you anything that will make it better. Only time can erode it enough that it becomes manageable.
As for soul mates, that is nothing more that brain chemistry. Love is a choice. Real love is what you do when all the feelings are gone. Your X either didn't understand this simple truth, or she lacked enough character to see her through the hard times."
--NOP, thanks for the words and bearing with me. Had to get it out. Used to internalize. It's what I did after the A. Couldn't thought-stop and unloaded on x 4 years later in a withering fusillade of invective. Biggest regret I have.
About the brain chemistry. I think x loves being in love (one of the "Break Free" archetypes). Feels "no spark anymore" she said. Did you guys read this? It literally just came out a few weeks ago; new discovery. Scary in my sitch. Don't know how to post clean links so will paste the intro and the URL:
Sources/sourceReuters Updated: 12:51 p.m. ET Nov. 29, 2005
ROME - Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It’s all part of falling passionately in love—and scientists now tell us the feeling won’t last more than a year.
The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.
The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships... http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10252428/
"The thing for her, is that she will do this again and again until she either learns the truth or grows tired of the chase."
--Sigh. I think it's the chase. I was the only M in her life she ever had to chase. She was always the one being pursued. I know this is a factor. Her personality is a M magnet like I've never seen...ever.
"My mother finally figured it out a couple of years before she died. I hope that your X learns her lesson sooner rather than later. Either way, make sure that you learn what you need to from all this experience and pain. It is possible for you to come out of this wiser from the experience, although you will be a bit worse for the wear and tear."
--Better late than never I guessfor your mother, but feel for Ms she may have lost unnec. And, yes, I am learning a great deal. I never had long term Rs and that's a downfall. And never read R literature. Fooey. Thought it was for self-help addicts and greedy authors. Wrong (in most cases). Now know the warning signs etc.
"Hang in there, the old silverback will come out to play soon enough. The time is soon to come that you won't think about her or want her back. She will start chasing you again at some point after that. You will have to decide what you want then."
--Oh yes he will. And I've already questioned wanting her back. No R talk since bomb and I don't initiate. Could I have a child with someone who is a flight risk?
"Do get back to the heavy lift. Get cut and fit. Take it out on the steel. Get a new man back in the process."
--Yes. Did that 8 years ago during very stressful time in life; throwing cast iron around. Ended up having to buy whole new wardrobe. Won't go quite that extreme this time.
All the best, -NOPkins-
--And all my best to the NOPs too ;-)
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
. Which is where the advice I received to get out of my head, and into the here and now and react to what IS happening, instead of what you know is going to be the outcome, absolutely brilliant.