I had a date with my WAH last night. I know he's seriously dating at least one other person and have found much info on the OW and his feelings for her.
Anyway, he came to me directly from her. He'd been with her all day. We went to dinner, had some Merlot and nice Italian food, then came back to the house and ML. For the first time he actually spent the night here. We went to McDonalds to bring back some breakfast food to heat here. On the way back, I asked him about Christmas Eve. He had already asked me for Christmas morning breakfast and a movie. But I'm so greedy that I asked about Christmas Eve. He said he didn't know. I told him that I needed to know so I could make plans. He said, "Let's go ahead and make our individual plans and then if they don't work out we can get together." Well, he had been with the OW the day before for 12 hours, and I'd tried to call all day and he didn't answer. The time of our date at six he calls and says he will be 45 min late. So I remembered this and the thought of him waiting to get another date for Christmas Eve really hurt me. So when we got back to the house, I pulled out his breakfast sandwitch, handed it to him, and told him I didn't want any more contact with him. I said that I loved him, but that I was tired of being in limbo, that I had to get on with my life. He said "Just because I won't spend the whole Christmas weekend with you?"
I told him that it didn't have anything to do with Christmas, but that I wanted no more contact, I said maybe sometime next year. Then I took my breakfast sandwitches, told him I enjoyed the time with him and said godbye and left him looking not too happy. He drove away and I came in and cried. The point is, I've done this before and always backed down and asked to see him again. I did mention the OW several times in the restaurant, even told him I knew who she was, but that I would not get in touch with her. He denied it was the woman. Any advise is welcome!!! Rere
and told him I didn't want any more contact with him.
I think that was a very good move. This cakewalking that WASs do has to stop. It's one thing to have the WAS sleepover and ML when there is no third person involved and you're trying to reconcile. It's quite another when one does the "wifely duty" with someone who's involved with someone else outside the marriage.
Now comes the hard part for you, sticking to your resolve. Since you've backed down before, my hunch is he'll think it's just a matter of time until you back down again. Well, surprise him this time around. By staying on course, you'll establish equality rather than him having the power over the relationship with you.
He said "Just because I won't spend the whole Christmas weekend with you?"
He's either playing dumb or he doesn't get it, or he's trying to reframe your premise.
I did mention the OW several times in the restaurant, even told him I knew who she was, but that I would not get in touch with her. He denied it was the woman. Any advise is welcome!!!
Or they deny that there's someone else, or in the face of irrefutable proof, they tell you "we're just friends", or in the face of further proof, they tell you "it was just that one time", or "she doesn't mean anything", and on and on. In your case, he denied it was the person you claim it was. What does it really matter if it's Ms. X or Ms. Y or Ms. Z, anyway? Basically, it's like a dog chasing its tail. You know what you know, that he has an OW, and you know enough to know. Now, by going no contact on him, you let go so that he can't get what he wants from you, and more importantly, you can use this time to build yourself up and focus on yourself. He'll use the time to seek his fantasy and probably find the grass isn't greener. He'll also now be able to build up feelings of missing you, and perhaps dig deep into himself to figure out what he really wants, which he couldn't do before.
NYSurvivor, Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. I am so very tired today after crying all day yesterday and being with him all night.
I will look at your threads later today and respond.
I just read dontfret's new thread on the Separation forum and had to respond to her pain. Wish there was something I could do for her. If you get the chance, write her some of your wisdom.
Quote: Now, by going no contact on him, you let go so that he can't get what he wants from you, and more importantly, you can use this time to build yourself up and focus on yourself. He'll use the time to seek his fantasy and probably find the grass isn't greener. He'll also now be able to build up feelings of missing you, and perhaps dig deep into himself to figure out what he really wants, which he couldn't do before.
I think alot of us can benefit from this advice.
I do have a question for you; maybe it is too soon for you to answer this. Since you are married, there will no doubt be things that come up that you might have to discuss with your H. I'm not talking about R. things; but things involving house, finances, kids (if this applies), etc. So what do you do if you're implimenting NC and you actually have a matter that you need to discuss with your H?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
So what do you do if you're implimenting NC and you actually have a matter that you need to discuss with your H?
You make the necessary contact and take care of business, and only business.
I was in No Contact for about a month when one of my ex's customers happened to call here by mistake. I held off contacting her and finally decided that if I didn't give her the message that someone called on business, she might think I'm intentionally trying to be spiteful, and I wasn't trying to be spiteful, so I emailed her one line only, stating simply that so-and-so had called for her.
Well, she emailed back with an hour, delighted to hear from me. Enthusiastic. Relieved that I would have contact with her. She wrote something like, "I've been thinking about you all this time!" She emailed back and forth for some time after that. She wrote that she hadn't contacted me because she was thinking that I didn't want to hear from her.
At first, I thought, "gee, she got the wrong message from my being in No Contact." But then I realized the positives: my being in No Contact made her think more about me, and seemed to have her realize her feeling that she didn't want to lose touch with me.
I think I'm very together. My ex isn't with me. The snippet of my NC experience was back in the Spring, and I've come to certain more understandings about my sitch since then. But suffice it to say that she kept poking her head through the door but never steps through it, and continues to do so, and that's a pretty good way to prompt them to poke their head through the door (matter of fact, I had said to her, "what would you do if I never contacted you again?" and she said, sheepishly, "I'd probably contact you"). It's also a great way to have a break from the sitch.
My ex isn't with me. The snippet of my NC experience was back in the Spring, and I've come to certain more understandings about my sitch since then. But suffice it to say that she kept poking her head through the door but never steps through it, and continues to do so, and that's a pretty good way to prompt them to poke their head through the door (matter of fact, I had said to her, "what would you do if I never contacted you again?" and she said, sheepishly, "I'd probably contact you"). It's also a great way to have a break from the sitch.