You lucky Lady!! I am jealous!! Talk about filling your tank? but you deserve it, all the happiness to you that you can get.
Yes, the big test it still to come, to tolerate and learn how to live with each other again when the time comes. You're pretty smart, you'll figure it out.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Opti, Very glad to hear things are going well for you! A Valentines Day card, way to go! It's in the details so keep the positive energy going. Looking forward to more optimistic posts from you. RonJon
Thank you RonJon and WCW for the cheers. There always good to hear.
I'm posting today, just because there no one I really want to unload on in my real life. I've been so stressed this week. I'm hitting limits I think, and I'm letting things drop. I'm screwing up at work. I'm loosing my temper with S3.
I just feel like I'm trying to do it all, alone. Yet, I feel like I'm not doing any of it well. I'm so tired. I have NO social life in order to be able to handle all that I DO do. And it doesn't usually bother me. But, once in a while I'd just like to relax with some friends.
I'm working two half time positions across the hall from each other. They are very related, and as far as the pay and benefits, there's no difference between what I'm doing and full-time regular. So, that's good. Still the pay is way below what I should be earning. I've been at the university I work at for a year, but I don't want to move on yet, because I know I'll be moving in a couple more years or less, and what good would it do me to move jobs twice in that time?
My supervisors are darn good supervisors as far as bosses go. But, still I'm feeling way overloaded and scattered. I screwed up on two significant things and feel like I'm losing a little face infront of my bosses and coworkers. But, life goes on I guess. Other people screw up. Still...
And S3 just sees me as someone to scream and whine at. I left him with my mom last night so I could go swimming and when I went to pick him up he was very excited, as usual. But, as soon as I got a little kiss and hug he started straight into the screaming and crying. Of course, my mom said he had been perfect all evening. Just like he usually is for anyone other than me. I just feel like my life is either the stress and insecurity at work or the screaming of my three-year-old at home. And I can only lose my temper and yell back or just do the thousand mile stare and pretend I'm dead on the inside. Great parenting, huh? I'm just so tired.
I'm up at 5:20 so I can take care of the dog and get a half hour workout in. Then it's rush straight through to 5:00pm so I can go pick up my son and sit through a night of crying and screaming. If I'm lucky I'm in bed with lights out by 9pm, after another big fight with S3 to get in his bed and turn his lights out.
Now I have to go 'cause I'm five minutes late on my workout this morning. The exercise thing is nearly the straw that's breaking this camel's back. It's the only thing I can sacrafice. But, if I want to feel better physically and emotionally, I have to try to white knuckle it and push through....
Let's try and pick it apart. Job, S3, new house and responsibilities. Is it an option to take a day off and go bumming? Leave S3 at sitter/daycare, take a YOU day. Even if it is the weekend, take a YOU day. What do you enjoy the most? go do it. Some R&R for you should be a priority, so you don't take it out on someone that doesn't deserve it.
Remember - I'm not that far away, it's a serious offer.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Oh, I'm sorry, WCW. Of course, you're real. And everyone else on the boards. I should have said, "there's no one within ear shot that I want to unload on."
I'm just real low and tired and frustrated lately. Not enough sleep. So much more stress at work. The thing is that if I did take S3 to my mom's for an entire day, it wouldn't be enough. Right now, it would just be so unpleasant coming back to reality, that I'd rather not even leave right now. And, of course, I can't afford to get any further behind at work.
Blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses. That's all I have for you right now. But, I think I need to hold and with the hope that things will get easier somehow in the not to distant future.
I'm tired and lonely and I miss H. But, at the same time, whenever I think of him I want to scream, "how did my life come to this? how did I let you turn my life into this pressure cooker?" But that's just blame, and not going to get me out. I can't wait to get the next phone call from him (it's been a couple weeks). But, there's still this anger that I'm having to be a single, working mother right now. And that HE had the option of having a meltdown and pushing S and I out of his life to apparently reduce his stress. And now I'd like to have a meltdown, but I can't run S3 out of my life (nor would I want to obviously). I have responsibilities beyond my job and I don't have the luxury of just dropping them all like he did.
(((Opti))), Hope you get out of your low and frustrated mood soon. Don't laugh but I play classical music and light candles to help me relax and sleep better. Can't remember the kids being three but maybe like the "terrible twos" it will end soon. The single parenting thing is a challenge even when they get older. Our lives are what they are right now and have to work on making the best of each day. I try to not think of the distant future and that helps when I'm having a bad day, hour, or even few minutes. Everyone has stress, including your H, and he's got to be thinking about what he's missing out on with you and S3. Us more responsible folks need to focus on the rewards and realize that the "ant" can take a break and have a good time too every once in a while to recharge instead of the "grasshopper" if you recall the story. It may sound like oversimplification, but try to relax some and things will come easier. Have a good weekend. RonJon
Well isn't this just how life is working right now. My post from this morning didn't go through. Or maybe I just failed to hit the submit button. Who knows.
I guess I'm still pretty low. I did finally get a chance to use the massage gift cert. I got over Christmas. It was a pretty good massage. I am a big fan of massages and have a regular lady in town. But, this was someone different, not as experienced, but hey, it was free!
The rest of the weekend was a little rough. But, I don't feel like making a big list of negatives, so I'll just leave it at that.
I guess the biggest issue, besides being stressed at work and the sole parent of a 3 year old, is that I haven't heard from H in a while. He sent a short email the weekend before last saying he would call soon, but I haven't heard from him since then. And I could really use a simple "I love you," right now.
Of course, there's all kinds of reasons he may not be getting in touch. He's too busy, the ship went out again suddenly, whatever. But, I'm just so unbelievable lonely and tired right now. I'm really starting to feel depression creeping in. I could take a break, but then everything would just be worse when I came back to reality. I have to catch up some how. The only thing I can really let slide is my exercise. But, I want to get back into shape so bad, and I know that letting it go would just add to my misery later on.
I guess I just need to vent. I don't like this town. I don't like the people. I'm tired of being the outsider at work and everywhere else. But, I don't want to be an insider here either. I'm tired of trying to keep my head above water. I can't even look at the goal because it's so far away. I want to lay down and play dead....
OK. Back to reality. Back to work. Whiny venting done.
(Opti), Hey, it wasn't very long ago you got a Valentines Day card from H so he is thinking about you I'd bet.
Quote: The only thing I can really let slide is my exercise.
The exercising is one thing you should not let slip. At least for me it gives energy and reduces the stress. Even if I can't get a good long workout at the gym I always find a way to at least go for a walk or something. Know what its like to be an outsider at work and community but keep plugging away knowing it's transitory. Hang in there, Happy President's Day. RJ
RonJon, thanks for keeping track of me. I'm trying to keep my head up.
I started to get sick yesterday, I guess it was just begging to happen. People have been sick at work and of course S3 was sick not too long ago. So I woke up yesterday with a very sore throat and aching body. By the middle of the day yesterday I just gave up, made sure all my stuff was taken care of for the rest of the day and told the boss I had to go home and lay down before it was time to pick up S3. And I did get a couple hours nap and spent another couple hours laying on the coach. The nap felt good, but the laying around felt wierd. Like I shouldn't be screwing around when I have things to do.
Then, when I was in the bathtub last night H called. He couldn't talk very long, but I needed the call so bad. I'm not a good phone conversationalist though. I usually end calls with H with a disappointed feeling. Like I didn't have anything interesting to say. Like he was bored and disappointed with the call. I tried to let H know about the last couple weeks without it just being a long negative list of complaints. So, I spent most of the call trying to think of something to say at all. And H doesn't usually have a lot to say about his work because it always "just sucks." So we mostly talked about S3. And S3 talked on the phone to his dad for longer than he usually does. Long enough for me to rinse off and get out of the tub. And S3 kept saying "Happy birthday, daddy," because I told him that H's birthday was coming up and S3 is really into birthday's lately.
I have struggled with anti-climactic phone calls since H and I started communicating again. I guess it must just be that I look so forward to hearing from him that when he does finally call, it can't measure up. And I guess it's also becaus what I really want is to have him back physically. It's also kind of hard because he almost always calls from work (where he lives) and I can overhear people around him and the PA system and it's a little inhibiting. And then I'm distracted on my end by S3.
Either way, I'm so relieved I got the call last night. It's amazing how the calls keep me afloat. Even if it wasn't a tender, romantic conversation it was enough to get me up and going this morning for another day. Hopefully I can kick myself back into mental shape and find a little positivity in my day today.
Does anybody have any idea for a birthday present for a 33 year old man with NO space to put anything?
We're not real? 