Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I'm pregnant. He's sleeping with OW.

Wow. Exactly what I needed, guys. Thanks. I'm going to digest this myself over the next coupla hours and get back to you. But quickly:

BB, you are sooo dead on with that analogy. I totally see what you're saying. My girls have had their share of those hard-earned solid spankin's, too. And you're right. It's like nothing ever happened afterward. And when I've lost my frustration, and when they've lost their attitude, I feel *exactly* the way I feel about H right now. I feel sorry, and I feel sad. I want to pick the girls up and hold them and hug them and take their hurt away. But it doesn't mean that I shouldn't have spanked them. They needed to be taught a lesson.

Wow. I would never have thought of those similarities.

bigAl, I'm worried about me, too. But because I realize that my heart will definitely be hardened when this is all said and done, I've already made an appt. with a MC for me, alone. I've had the appt. for a few weeks. I've told her that I don't believe I need to "work on me"; that's why I'm going to a MC instead of a regular C. I need to figure out the dynamics of Rs, and I need to learn to be able to trust humankind again. I'm already sure that I won't, so I'm trying to be proactive. So don't worry so much, okay? But keep giving me good insight. I really appreciate it. And I need things thrown in my face every once in a while.

She pursued a man she knew was married to the point that she had sex with him after being told he was trying to reconcile with his pregnant spouse.

You know for a fact he said exactly that? But HE's the one that had sex with HER!! OPs don't "do" things to LBSs, they're in it for themselves. The WAS paints such a horrible picture of the LBS, how unhappy they are with the LBS, how cruel the LBS is, they may tell the OP they're leaving their spouse (even if they aren't), "we haven't had sex in years", blah, blah...

Oh man, I've been an OP, a WA and now a LBS. What's next?

Now, you have to prove in court

Yep. That's the costly $$$$ part.

Legal proof is me walking in on him and seeing it with my own eyes. I know that sounds sketchy, but there are very real ways of "proving" this without pictures or anything else. There's a fun trick called bluffing that my H is dumb enough to fall for. That's what good Ls are for. If H chooses not to settle with me out of court, then it would be his word against mine in court. Character would come into play, and there's no doubt who a judge would side with. I also have that friend of mine who saw him at the intersection, beside OW, the other day, giving her that disgusting hand gesture. My friend's obviously willing to speak out. Then add to it the 13 phone calls a day between the two of them, and the fact that H abandoned me, and the evidence -- albeit a lot of it circumstantial

Did your L state this is the standard of proof? I find it difficult to believe that. Seeing someone stand next to someone having a heated conversation? One person's word against another? He said, she said? That usually doesn't fly in court. You need PIs to testify and all that jazz. You also need money. Bluffs work before going to court, a good lawyer doesn't bluff in the court room, there's an old maxim lawyers go by: "Never ask a question you don't know the answer to." Yeah, the 13 calls a day imply some sort of relationship, and being a civil matter, it's about the preponderance of evidence, but boy it's a costly and time consuming way to get a D. North Carolina has a form of no-fault D, the grounds are one year of separation. Cheaper, and just as fast. Also, abandonment is grounds.

H was very calm for a change and said, "I'll call my L and tell him to notify your L that it's been dropped. I'm actually going to totally drop my L; I don't need one anymore." I told him that far be it from me to advise him, but to think twice about calling it quits with his L... H said, "There's nothing I can do. The ball's in your court now." He was implying that he's absolutely screwed.

I have a hunch that he's NOT going to drop his attorney. In fact, my hunch tells me what he's telling you is EXACTLY what his attorney suggested he try with you: get you disarmed. make you think you've got him pinned, get you to drop your guard, lay off.

Interesting perspective, NYS, and thank you. I often read your responses to others and have always been very impressed with your level-headedness and candor.

Fortunately in the legal end, $$$ is not an issue. My L is a personal friend. I am very, very fortunate and will somehow find a way to repay the Universe for this favor when all is said and done. (You're my witness.)

But HE's the one that had sex with HER!! OPs don't "do" things to LBSs, they're in it for themselves.

I do not disagree with you. And I'll have my day with H, too. I believe he's 90 percent at fault, to her 10 percent; after all, she didn't exchange vows with me. However, if she didn't know we were reconciling, she did know that we were married when she met H. And I don't care what the WAS tells OP. If OP and WAS are smart -- and if they're worth it to one another -- they'll wait to jump in the sack until after the D is final. But that is assuming we're dealing with smart people. And we're not.

As for standard of proof, I have plenty ... and could get more, if I wanted or needed. H isn't the smartest lightbulb in the pack, as I believe I've made very clear. Again, I'm fortunate. Adultery has been proven time and time again in courts without the help of a PI. Recorded phone conversations help with the bluffing effort -- without even having to bluff. N.C. is a "one-party" state when it comes to that. If one party knows the call's being recorded, it's allowable. Many, many ways around paying for a PI. Luckily again for me, I have a job that includes a lot of investigating. And recorded phone conversations.

The goal is to get the offending partner's admission, obviously. And I didn't mean that a L would bluff H in court. The goal, of course, is that this case not go to court. Any good L's goal is to get a nice settlement. The bluffing is aimed at that.

And, yes, abandonment is certainly grounds. Adultery adds to it, however. At this point, I must ask myself which battles I want to fight. And right now, I'm ready to fight both. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I have a hunch that he's NOT going to drop his attorney. In fact, my hunch tells me what he's telling you is EXACTLY what his attorney suggested he try with you: get you disarmed. make you think you've got him pinned, get you to drop your guard, lay off.

As much as I respect your opinion, on this one, I'll have to bet you a dollar to a hole in a donut that that's not the case. But we'll see. I do agree with you, however, that he will not drop his L. Once OW gets a letter from my L, H will be ready to fight back.

Be sure to stop by as often as you can, NYS. I value your thoughts.

(NYS) You know for a fact he said exactly that? But HE's the one that had sex with HER!! OPs don't "do" things to LBSs, they're in it for themselves. The WAS paints such a horrible picture of the LBS, how unhappy they are with the LBS, how cruel the LBS is, they may tell the OP they're leaving their spouse (even if they aren't), "we haven't had sex in years", blah, blah...

Are you making a legal point or a moral/ethical point? Because if it's the latter, I don't get it.

Quote:

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Did your L state this is the standard of proof? I find it difficult to believe that. Seeing someone stand next to someone having a heated conversation? One person's word against another? He said, she said? That usually doesn't fly in court. You need PIs to testify and all that jazz.

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Um, may I ask a legal question here? Hope it's ok.
Is possessing an email from your WAH where he clearly talks about how he left you for another woman, etc. evidence enough?
Just wondering, because this is what I have.
(sorry for the hijack, P&DB)

Are you making a legal point or a moral/ethical point? Because if it's the latter, I don't get it.

Hi Al. Neither, though I'm not making a point. I'm asking for clarification. That's about my first sentence in the quote. Maybe my train of thought wasn't clear, sorry. P&DB's comment was about the OW having sex with her H, though he had informed her of his intent to go back to his wife, and I wasn't clear on how she knew he had told her. I don't trust WASs to be totally honest with their LBSs, and not always with their OPs either. In any event, despite the fact that he told her, if her did, no OW pinned him down to have sex against his will, right?

The rest of that paragraph was in regard to P&DB's statement "But I want to rattle her cage a little, in the hopes that she thinks twice before doing this to anyone else."... that the OP isn't "doing" anything to anybody, they're doing it for themselves. Hope I'm clearer now.

If OP and WAS are smart -- and if they're worth it to one another -- they'll wait to jump in the sack until after the D is final.

"Smart", maybe yes, but it takes all types to make the world go round. "Upright" is what've called it.


I wrote: I have a hunch...

You wrote: As much as I respect your opinion...

It wasn't an opinion, it's really just a hunch. I've been there, seen those tactics used.

Adultery adds to it, however

So, you're looking at using adultery for grounds in order to obtain a better settlement, do I have the right sense of things now?

Is possessing an email from your WAH where he clearly talks about how he left you for another woman, etc. evidence enough? Just wondering, because this is what I have.

HF, I understand we both reside in the same state, NY, and therefore the same laws govern you and I, and we face the same court system. When I filed for divorce, I discussed with my attorney about suing on grounds of adultery. His opinion was that to prove that to the satisfaction of a Judge is a big legal entanglement in Suffolk County, where I reside. A divorce can be obtained with much less effort and cost if one lets go of the need to prove righteous and/or legally declare someone to be an adulterer. To me, it was good enough to be the Plaintiff, you know what I mean? I faced an easy non-contested divorce that ended up costing me $1800. When I got divorced from my first wife in 1990, she fought. That divorce cost me $12,000.

I'll have to bet you a dollar to a hole in a donut that that's not the case.

Just a thought: You may be right. yet, this is why people get sucker punched; they're taken by surprise. They think they know someone well enough, and... well... many of us got sucker punched on Dday, 'nuff said. Keep it in mind, better to err on the side of caution.

Hi Al.

Not quite! We did get married on the same day of the year. Though not to each other. Fortunately.

So, you're looking at using adultery for grounds in order to obtain a better settlement, do I have the right sense of things now?

Bingo, NYS! As the WAS thinks only of himself -- and the OW thinks only of herself -- in at least my case, the LBS will also think of only herself...and her unborn child, of course.

And it's not only the settlement. It's the truth. My H has been walking around for 3 months saying the baby I'm carrying might not be his. He has attempted to damage *my* character when in fact, he's been the one double-dippin', if you will. I'm a champion of the truth, and exposing it, and I like getting to the bottom of things. I also like justice. So that's what I'm going after. It's not just a settlement, IMHO.

"But I want to rattle her cage a little, in the hopes that she thinks twice before doing this to anyone else."... that the OP isn't "doing" anything to anybody, they're doing it for themselves. Hope I'm clearer now.

Actually, they *are* doing something to somebody, but that's not how the OP views it. They're selfish. So my future goal remains: To make OW think twice, indeed, before doing this to anyone else.

also...

(NYS) yet, this is why people get sucker punched; they're taken by surprise. They think they know someone well enough, and... well... many of us got sucker punched on Dday, 'nuff said. Keep it in mind, better to err on the side of caution.

I'll definitely keep that in mind, 'cause I certainly don't like being sucker punched. . Glad you mentioned that.