First off, regarding the night out with "el-train" who I'll refer to as "D", was fine. She's a nice, upbeat woman who's pretty smart too. I see a long distance friendship in the cards. There just wasn't that "click" if you know what I mean. So like I said, I'm sure we'll keep in touch but I just didn't get that...vibe, that you-all-know, that "feeling". That's OK though, one always can use more friends right?
Anyway, on to the News...
So I went to get my manicure today (save the jokes please). I sat down with Jennifer who is the only one I go to. XW also only goes to Jennifer (different days, thank God!) BTW, Jennifer pretty much knows what happened and has in the past given me tidbits about XW (voluntarily, I don't ask). Anyway, the convo goes like this (minus the Vietnamese accent):
J: Is your daughter with you this week? Me: No she's with XW. J: Oh...XW said she's been real busy. Me: (not wanting to be rude) Really? Busy with what? (chuckling) J: She said family and work, busy. Me: Hmmm...
OK FOLKS, ARE YOU SITTING DOWN????
J: You know she got married right? Me: (probably looking kind of pale, but maintaining my cool) No, I did not know that? J: Oh...Uh...yeah. She told me last time she was here. Me: OK J: I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring and I said, "You're wearing your ring?" and she said, "Yes, I got married". I said "Oh, when?" and she said, "In August". Me: Oh... J: Your daughter didn't tell you? Me: No, no she didn't. J: Ohhhh...
So needless to say, I couldn't even concentrate on my magazine during the manicure. I almost got up to excuse myself and finish it at another time but she had already started and I didn't want to make her feel bad either.
So, there you have it. For old times sake, let's take another look at the time line in my XW's decision making process:
6/28/04: 20-year HS Reunion, run into soon-to-be OP. 8/28/04: Tells me she wants to move out. Comes clean about PA (not sex though). We decide on counselling and she breaks it off with him. (Not really as it turns out) 12/05/04: She says no more counselling and she's "done trying and this isn't working". 12/14/04: Calls my cell on my way to work, "I'm done. I want to file" 12/22/04: Filing date. Stays living here until March, still seeing the OP while lying about it to me and D13 (then 12) 3/05/05: Moves out and into her Condo Early 4/05: Moves OP into Condo 7/04/05: Our Divorce is Final. 8/10/05: OP's Divorce is Final. 8/05: THE TWO OF THEM GET MARRIED!!!
Now THAT'S what I call quality decision making!!
So also I'm thinking--Why hasn't D13 said anything about any of this to me? Was she just going to keep this a big secret? I'm not pissed at her, she's a little girl, but Jeez, I'm just left in the dark on this. I have to hear it from the lady that works at the nail place?
So here I sit on a Saturday night contemplating, thinking... All that talk from my friends, my Counselor, all the books I read. They say that XW's depressed and unhappy, etc, etc. Well obviously not. She's happily remarried with her new dysfunctional family jammed into that Condo. 39-years-old, on her 3rd marriage, to a guy she met 14 months before, while SHE was married. And this to a guy who was married as well, who left his wife and two kids.
While I'm sure it isn't healthy, a part of me hopes the both of them rot in Hell!! (There, I said it!) I worry that D13 looks at her Mom and sees that as "normal". It's OK to walk away from your husband and family for some "new guy" and move from married to separated to divorced to re-married in a span of 6 months.
So that's it for now. A nice piece of Broiled Mahi Mahi with some Brown Rice and Spinach Salad for dinner and I sit here and write out my feelings on a computer with a glass of White Wine and the Lakers v. Clippers on the tube in the background.
I just wanted to offer support to you today, because I am sure it is very upsetting for you to have learned about your XW getting married so suddenly. How are you doing?
(your dinner sounded great last night!)
She's acting in haste, running on emotion. If you need to talk, we're here.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Wow, DMF that was some story. You must be shocked. It really is tough finding out about that from your nail tech. (BTW, awesome that you get manicures. Every guy should)
I'm wondering how you should take it from here with regards to your D. She has either assumed that you already knew or she has been carrying around this secret and I'm sure that has been tough for her.
So here I sit on a Saturday night contemplating, thinking... All that talk from my friends, my Counselor, all the books I read. They say that XW's depressed and unhappy, etc, etc. Well obviously not. She's happily remarried with her new dysfunctional family jammed into that Condo. 39-years-old, on her 3rd marriage, to a guy she met 14 months before, while SHE was married. And this to a guy who was married as well, who left his wife and two kids.
You know, DMF, this all moved really fast. It may take a while before the unhappiness sinks in. I can't tell you the number of people who have come to me and told me, "You're H will be back. This won't last." and then they proceed with stories of "this friend, co-worker, family member" who walked away and then came back. I always asked them politely, "And how long was that whole process?" Usually, their answers lie in the 2 year range. One was as long as 7. Now, granted, I've never heard of them D then M so quickly and then coming back. I think that is one reason that a lot of folks here seem to advise "stalling" the D if you're hoping to R.
This whole experience just s@cks. I'm sorry you found out in such an impersonal way. I hope you have a better day today.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Oh babe...so sorry to hear about this...crap!! I feel for your D too...we're going to assume that she does know but felt very protective of you...what a girl you have there...but what feelings she must be having to deal with. Do you plan on talking with her.
I wonder why exW didn't have the balls to tell you herself? Seems a bit strange...one would think she would. We can assume again that perhaps she was protecting you...who knows?
Yes, they really did rush into things, I think we can all agree on this. But crap to hear it from the manicurist...wondering why she felt it necessary to even bring it up...in the manner that she did, it was as if she knew that you didn't know...I could see the "I'm surprised to hear that your exW got remarried." Or better yet, "Sorry to hear about your exW, remarriage, this must be tough on you." but the way in which she said it...things that make you go hmmmm...
And feel whatever you feel like feeling at this point. Let it all out...big hugs to you and D13...
Regarding D13, I don't believe that she would assume that I know. She's the one I communicate with. I rarely talk to XW as that is a decision that I made in recent months.
I don't think the manicurist had any alterior motives. I think she just blurted it out assuming that I knew. I've got no ill will toward her.
The part about XW protecting my feelings? Bullsh*t. If she gave a rat's ass about my feelings, none of this would have happened and I wouldn't be sitting at this desk typing it all out on a "Divorce Busting" bulletin board. Maybe in a way she's kind of embarrassed about the speed of it all and still doesn't buy into what she's doing 100%. Maybe she's actually kind of ashamed of her actions (there's a thought). However, it's more comfortable to stay on the train instead of taking the risk of jumping off now.
Yeah, I plan on talking to D13 about it when she comes over here on Wednesday night. I just have to do it without messing with her head either. I'm sure she was just as f***ed up about it when she heard the news as well.
Today is just strange. I'm not back in depression mode by any stretch, but I also don't have the will to go out and do anything. I just got done taking the tree, stockings and all the other Xmas crap down. It is back in the garage where it belongs! Hopefully the Giants beat the sh*t out of Carolina as the Panthers are XW's team. Ahh, I can remember spending hours on line trying to find and finally finding and purchasing the customized, Ladies cut, Carolina Panthers jersey with "DELHOMME" "17" on it for her. That was $175 down the shi**er! Oh well...
Didn't I say at one time that '06 was going to be better? Must have meant from Jan 15th on...
I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today.
I remember reading in one of my MANY self-help books that the one who files for a divorce often feels an initial sense of freedom and elation, but they will usually go through an emotional transition about 6-8 months later. If they begin a new relationship right away, this can prevent grieving or delay it... which only makes it more difficult and painful in the long run. I do not think you go through the grieving process unless you spend some time alone. You do not get a real feel for the pain you need to work through. You need that time to learn who you are.
As far as D13 goes, when divorce enters the picture... the children are ALWAYS affected. Kids do not ask for the divorce and seldom benefit from it. You can make the best of a bad situation by continuing to put D13 first in as many ways as you can. By protecting D13's exposure to your anger and disappointment, she will do much better. If you continue to keep D13 out of the middle of your situation, you will be taking positive steps to minimize long-term harm to her. I still think back to my parents' divorce as a stressful and unhappy time that I will never forget.
Is it possible that your X has confided in D13 and has pressured her into maintaining the M as a secret? IMO, children are much more aware of their parents' relationship than most people would like to believe. D13 may not suspect that her mother is capable of such immoral or deceitful behavior (the affair w/ OM)... However, D13 seems to be a very smart girl and I am sure the discovery of the affair blew the vision of her mother being a "perfect parent" off her pedestal. I am sure that it is extremely hard for D13 to have to form some sort of a R with the OM who basically "broke up" her parents' marriage. Unfortunately, your X's choices will have a strong impact on D13.
DMF, you are allowed some "blue days". And, you have to realize that it is okay not to be 100% all of the time when you are going through the midst of this great upheaval. There was a part of me that expected when my divorce was finally over that the pain and misery would end, and that I would be able to pick up and get on with my life. At times, the end of the D has meant there are some more painful and difficult times of transition that are just beginning. I have experienced feelings of being angry and bewildered at the very time I thought I would be finished with such emotions. I once read that divorce can be described as an 'amputation'... "The ghostly presence of the former spouse may haunt you longer after his/her physical presence is gone. In the same way amputees often feel pain or other sensations in a phantom limb, and the aftermath of D brings a multitude of new emotions and responsibilities that may at times seem overwhelming."
DMF, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am here for you if you want to talk just as you have always been there for me... Your friend, -KIM
That had to be such difficult news to hear. I know you had your suspicions but its another thing to know it is a reality and that it happened a while ago. And I'm sure this has been tough on D13. Your XW might have asked her to keep the news from you. She is such a smart, sweet girl and I'm sure this has taken a toll on her. That's alot of crap for a 13 year old to handle. I know you'll keep being the steady, reliable parent. She wants and needs that from you and you have done such a terrific job!
Go ahead and feel blue today. It's okay. You'll probably rebound much faster than you think. You don't know that things are so wonderful. But does it really matter? It's time for you to heal and then move on to your next adventure. And I'm sure you will find it!
Take care and I'm sending hugs your way...
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Hey DMF. Rare appearance here to commisserate. I keep waiting to hear that news myself although I kid myself that I may hear it before the fact. For Me, Bomb 4/05, denial of A, moved out 7/05, D final 11/05, OM isn't "quite" moved in the whole way yet.
Never an admission about A or even about OM's current status, so maybe, like you, I'll just hear one day.
It's no fun I know, but f' her and f' him about sums it up.
Wow! Its been awhile and I just got done reading and updating myself on your thread. There has been so much going on in your life and I haven't been here for you like you were for me. Gosh! The marriage thing hit me by surprise....believe me in my heart...I know you are the better one. I hope that you know that and realize it. I can't wait to hear what D13 has to say about it. I think she didn't tell you because she loves you so much and is hurt by her moms actions....she just doesn't want you to hurt. She is probably also a little confused on why her mom is doing all of this. Remember...she knows you better then you think.
Sorry to hear that there was not that "connection" with el train girl....that just means that there is someone better out there for you.
I am going to keep an update on you and reconnect myself. Its been hard because H and I have been getting along better and he got on to this site and read everything that I wrote and write so I try to stay low for awhile. Just want you to know that I am here for you DMF...big hugs being sent your way.
