I think it is really important for you to evaluate if you want to stay in this right now. Yeah, he screwed up BIG TIME but reminding him of that will not heal the wounds. Make a counseling appt asap and try to not discuss it outside of there. I think I can honestly see why he would feel like he does...after all, he is willing to make this work because he loves you but you are so upset (rightfully so) about the OW issue that you can't let it go yet. I know this has to be super hard for you. I'm sorry
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Forgiveness is automatic. Trust is earned. Healing takes lots of time. Often scars remain. You will never have no idea how much prayer helps or who has prayed for your situation.
If you get help call Michele a recommendation. Preferably Christian. My X went to family therapy and was told to throw in the towel. False advertising from this clown (therpist).
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
H and I had a long, sad talk yesterday. He confessed that he is 90% into the marriage, but 10% off. He says the 10% keeps him from coming back. He cried a lot and we did a lot of hugging. We opened up about things we hadn't told each other. I just validated his feelings but at the same time was so very sad that I couldn't stop crying. He told me everything I wanted to hear about myself and our marriage and he said that this is why he has been so ambiguously back and forth. He wants to be with me, but once he knows we could get back together to our old life he feels old and trapped and he doesn't like that person he was while married. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to do. I said the same because I really lost track on what to do. We are both very confused.
I suggested C and he said he would go. He says that C is "something we haven't tried yet." He recognizes that the separation didn't help his conflicted feelings. He just couldn't let me go. However, he also says that he feels so much guilt and pressure that this is a big reason that he keeps coming back.
In other words, it seems like he feels bad about the whole thing and it is a factor for him to keep reconsidering it. He also misses me but at the same time doesn't know if marriage is for him. He is scared he will change his mind again in a few months.
He left the house again. We ML beforehand and he did kiss me on the lips before leaving. He called me before going to bed. I asked him to stay. He said he couldn't because if we do decide to proceed with the D, it will be harder.
So I am looking into scheduling a C session. Can't get a hold of the therapist I know. I am really anxious and sad.
Quote: He wants to be with me, but once he knows we could get back together to our old life he feels old and trapped and he doesn't like that person he was while married.
My first thought is your "old life" didn't work very well for either one of you so you don't want to go back to that anyway. He has changed and so have you so you really can't go back to the way things were.
You both have learned a lot about yourselves and each other. You know what hasn't worked and you know not to repeat those negative patterns in the future. Your H knows he doesn't like the person he was in your old M, good. Now he knows not to act or be that person again. You weren't sure you always liked that guy anyway.
I understand your H (and you too) not wanting to have your old M back. That is really a good thing. I think you need to focus on starting a new R, maybe even start from the beginning, just go out on dates and things together. Maybe once in a blue moon H stays over. Take things slow and figure out what it is that you both want in your new R.
I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound harsh. I would just hate for you guys to throw away something that could be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined because you let the past get in the way.
I think if you both would give this some time and the chance, you will be able to work through this and find compromises that will please you both.
Once again, I am amazed how our Hs say the exact same things, although your situation is still better than mine.
Besides counseling, you might want to look into this weekend seminar called "A New Beginning" that is conducted by Family Dynamics. They are a Christian orgainization that shows a distressed (even divorced) couple how to deal with the painful issues of marriage, including infidelity. I think the website is familydynamics.net or www.savemymarriage.com. They both give info for the same seminar, and the seminars are held in different cities throughout the country. It's an intense three day thing but I guess it's worth it. I asked my H to go, but no luck. I still really believe in this seminar and think it would help you tremendously.
As for your immediate hurt, I know how badly that feels right now. It's hard to get through an hour, let alone a whole day. The only thing you can do is focus on each minute and doing something that helps you for the minute. Listen to music, paint your nails, try some new make-up techniques, read your Bible, sit and pray, daydream, do whatever it takes to make you feel more like you. I know the pain makes you feel like a different person - a sad person who is grieving the awful things that have happened to you. Give that pain to God and cry out to Him to lift the burden off of you. You don't deserve all this hurt, you really don't. God wants to heal your pain.
I have recently become obsessed with singing karaoke, so that has become my therapy. Search for one thing that has nothing to do with what's going on in your life and indulge in that. What about that guy that you were training with at the gym? Is that still happening? If so, how's is going? Don't give up on things that are good for you, especially now!
If your church has a small group that you can join, by all means, go! I have found such amazing healing in others. Please know that you are always welcome here to vent your anger, frustration, sadness, pain - whatever you are feeling for the moment. We are here to support you!
LIL, H and I had one of those long online talks today. He is back to acting weird. My friend who doesn't even know about DB said I should go dark, but not for the sake of the R, but for my sake, 'cause I need a break.
And then I hit continue and posted before I finished this whole story I missed must have affected my brain
Caverna sweetie you two are talking - you may not be saying exactly what each other want to hear but you are talking and telling each other stuff and that is one big move from where you where before
You are not sure (either of you) how this will work so you have to focus on the future you need to sit down and say talking about the past will just not do it you need to discuss what your future will look like there are tips for this all through the DB and DR book one thing he needs to understand that is YOU will need to talk about what he has done and why - You need to to hear him talk about it and he needs to understand that he can never apologise enough but that non of it means you can't move on from it - but if you don't talk about it you won't move on from it you need to read (and he needs to read) I don't which part of the book it is in somewhere in DB book the bit where the H realises that he needs to answer his W questions about his a with OW and does just that and over time she stops asking him questions
He needs to understand that if you don't ask and he doesn't answer as honestly as he can then neither of you will get through this
hang on
ok got it page 150 of the DB book Schedule Time-Limited Conflict Resolution Sessions its about a couple called Ann and Chuck - it is you guys exactly you both need to read it
It seems to me that you two are so scared of making the same mistakes again that you don't know how to proceed you need a plan - a joint plan this time of what you want and how you will make it happen and remember happiness is not the end result of some path in life - it is something that we make happen as we move along the path we have chosen
Your back in my favourites again
I am becoming particularly notorious at losing people so if you start a new thread can you post on mine so I know that way I won't lose you
