bj, H came by to check up on me cause I was feeling sick. Was very loving and all but when he asked if I had schedule the C, I said no. I don't want to do it anymore. I feel like I am fighting alone. We decided to both go dark. I even ask him to block me from his IM. He called before he went to bed, already breaking our rules. He was crying.
He keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants and marriage is not in his heart. He thinks he will never be married again.
So Caverna stop focusing on him and tell me what do you want how do you see life in the future tell me what it looks like don't tell me now think about it for a little bj
Caverna, while your situation isn’t exactly like mine, there are similarities. My H also felt off for a long time during the reconnection phase. I think your H’s behaviour isn’t unusual although VERY difficult to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions. I think it’s part of the awakening stage where they run back into the tunnel a bit. They are aware of the choices they made, know a bit of what they want, but they don’t know how to get there and their feelings aren’t where they need to be yet, so they spend a lot of time being depressed and floundering. All I can say is have patience and give him time. This past summer my H was acting like this and he did run back into the tunnel. I found it painful and did go dark more or less, not completely, but not as emotionally available, we both did. However, time didn’t change what was already there. And now he is falling in love with me all over again. And from reading your threads, I sense some of the same process with you and your H. I don’t for sure obviously, but I think time is what is needed. Continue to live your life, detach enough to protect your heart but follow the path and see where it takes you.
Newwoman, I know what you are saying... that he could be slowly coming back, but our marriage was not even three years old. If something like this is happening so soon.... I don't know if there is hope.
Bj, I need to think about your question. Many people ask me that. It drives me crazy not knowing the answer. It's hard to even live my normal life right now. I didn't go ice skating, for example. Just don't see myself jumping around. I will take one day at a time.
I am reading a book that is really helping. It's called "Letting Go." It's as if the author is describing me.
By the way, I asked H to block me in his IM and he did.
Some people think that I should request that he doesn't see anyone for now. I don't know if I should. Does anyone has a take on this?
Quote: Some people think that I should request that he doesn't see anyone for now. I don't know if I should. Does anyone has a take on this?
Well, I would like to tell you that you should ask him to not see other people BUT I have not even said this to my own H yet. It is hard to tell you he shouldn't see other people when I don't even know what my H is doing.
I would definitely tell him you would appreciate it if he feels he needs/wants to date, that you prefer he doesn't have sex with other people. I have said that to my H. He says he has respected that request but I don't know for sure.
Try to think about what you would like to see happen with your M. I am sure you are doing this though.
I won't be around much today or tomorrow but I will try to keep checking on you.
I decided I will not say anything. I am actually feeling pretty good today. It's nice to feel in control and not having any communication with him feels like this. I know it will be the best thing I can do to myself: ditancing from him. I have tried this many times during this whole ordeal.
I have asked him to stay away but he always come back. Yesterday he even said, "Next time I reach out, don't let me come back," as if to explain he doesn't know what he is doing and I am better of protecting myself.
Always receiving him with open arms, although the right thing to have done, has not ended so well. He gets claustrophobic rather quick.
Now I know I HAVE to set the pace and not having contact (initiated by me, at least) feels good.
I know H will want me back. Call it intuition or just plani common sense. I just know. Maybe not right now, but someday.
I also know that his reluctance to come back home has a lot to do with the person I have become. I used to have him on a leash in the sense that he was always so scared to lose me because I was always so confident, so full of myself. I know that his constant insecurity pushed him away too, but this new person I am showing him, hopeless, lonely, depressed, is not what he signed up for, is not the girl he used to love, so I can understand his need to stay away. Coming back home doesn't seem like fun.
My next steps: will let things happen and will try to set the pace. If H contacts me, I will be responsive, but not too responsive. If I feel he wants to come back home, I will set the pace there too. In order for this M to survive, the tables need to change. He needs to start moving in my direction on his own, without my trying to convince him to stay.
I just downed on me that I am so scared of meeting other people. I am so scared of starting another R, of sleeping with someone else, dating someone else. I am so scared I will never get over H.
I am also scared of my financial situation. I don't where and how I will end up. H made all the money. He controlled everything.
I guess I am thinking too much way ahead of myself, but I can't help but feeling sad and scared. How do I get past this?
The only way to deal with an insurmountable task like figuring out money, if there will ever be another love in your life, etc., is to take it minute by minute. Looking too far into the future can sometimes make you crazy. Let go of those worries for a minute and focus just on breathing and being where you are at the moment. The key is not getting overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that is nearly washing you over. You said yourself that you were a strong, confident woman before all this. You still are that woman! The only difference now is that you had experienced betrayal and hurt, so it has affected you. It's okay because it's not your fault. You are amazing and strong and you WILL be okay, no matter what happens.
