Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Caverna's thread IV - H back home

Past thread:
Caverna's thread III


And previous:
Caverna's thread II
Caverna's thread
MLC+WAH = driving me nuts!

H wants to date

Should I keep going or am I kidding myself???

H moved back in yesterday, after I found out about OW. I am very scared. Don't know what to do.

Wow, I have you and P&DB over here! Short of my H coming home, I think my dreams have come true!

H is online, saying that he doesn't want to hurt me even more and that's why he can't open up to me. He is scared of being trapped, of my never recovering from this, of facing my parents, etc.

He says he got used to being free and does not see himself commited again.

HELP!

Remember the WAS's 2 biggest fears, #1 that the changes aren't real and #2 that you can never forgive them for what they have done.

Ugh!!!

Sounds to me like your H still needs to decide if this is what HE wants. I hate to say that out loud to you but I almost feel like he is trying to say he doesn't think YOU can get past this so he can have an easy way "out" so to speak.

I could be wrong and I sure hope I am but that is what I think I am hearing.

Do you think you can get past this? If so, I think you need to make that clear to H and really work on moving on from this.

H needs to realize this isn't easy for either one of you though and it will take some time for you both to get to a good place again. It won't happen over night. It is going to take work and probably lots of time.

What do I do now???? What kind of actions should I take?

I think (and we all know I haven't made great decisions lately) that you need to take a walk, take a bath, something to relax and clear your head and find what YOU want. If you decide you WANT this marriage, you need to go to him and say that you are sorry too, that you really want this and that you forgive him and will not keep bringing it up. Tell him that you still hurt and it will take a while for that to go away but that you do truly love him and want to make this work. If your answer comes back that you don't think you can, then maybe you do need some more time apart to figure it out.

This is so hard. I don't want to tell you to do the wrong thing. I hate giving advice!!!

What is H saying besides he was used to his freedom? Maybe ask him what it would take for him to feel like he has more freedom? Or maybe in the nicest way possible, try to find out how much freedom he wants.

I am sorry. I know I am not helping you. I hope someone else jumps on here with better advice. Oh Becca....

I knew you would have something more productive to say than me. lol

I agree with Becca. Listen to her. I think you and H both want to work things out but the idea of how much time and effort it is going to take to repair things, seems to be overwhelming right now. It will get easier if you both are willing to give it some time.

H decided that we should talk once he gets home tonight. I proposed that we should try one more month of intensive work. If it doesn't work, we go our separate ways. I am so scared.