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You see your cats only once a week . So sorry to hear that. My cats really behave almost like people. When they sleep on the bed or couch, they use the pillows. And, if I shake my finger at my one cat to scold him, he shakes his paw back and me. Once I yelled at him and he slapped me with his paw. My H and I laughed so hard we almost fell off the bed. We couldn't punish our cat after that but really there was no need as he was so embarrassed by being laughed at he ran away.

Anyway, I used to be a reporter but I burned out big time. I went through a bit of a depression as I didn't know what I wanted to do anymore and all I know how to do is write. I also seriously freaked out when I turned 30. I had this notion that I would be successful by then and I certainly didn't feel successful. (I don't even want to hear the mocking me for complaining about turning 30.)

But though I do love some parts of reporting, mainly the public service and protecting the underdog, I really would rather write fiction. Now I'm writing short stories but would eventually like to switch to novels. In high school and college I wrote lots of fiction and some poetry. But then I had to live in the real world and being a reporter was a way to earn a living as a writer.

Lately I have been working on a fiction portfolio, a collection of short stories, for submission to a MFA program in creative writing (which tend to be very competitive.) Unfortunately I've been writing factual stories for the past decade and am having problems switching gears to fiction. I just don't know how my stories end--the story of my life. It hasn't helped to have all these problems with my H as I'm trying to do this.


SuperStressed

P.S. -- Oh, and certainly a tiara would be called for. Maybe we can have our own Ms. and Mr. DB pageants.

OK so it's been a while since I posted--so sue me I've been trying to GAL. Actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm trying not to cough with all the smoke. Ha ha.

My H came back from his trip to Hong Kong and promptly got a horrible case of the flu. So instead of us talking about plans for Christmas or any talk about our R, I ended up taking care of him. Not that I minded, but it makes things so confusing. How could he expect me to take care of him when he's sick and want me around to comfort him yet still not want to put our marriage back together?

I've decided that he is scared to be with me. If he said to me, let's move to Spain in two weeks, I wouldn't hesitate. I want to try new things. I persuaded him to go hang gliding. I picked up a 1959 convertible I'd never seen and drove it halfway across the country by myself. That doesn't mean I'm fearless or reckless by any means (in fact I can be a bit of a goodie-goodie) but I want to see what is out there. And I wanted to do this with him.

Everyone else in his life, his family, his friends, all the other women before me and the one (that I know of) after have all been carbon copies of each other. Boring, boring flat characters (one-dimensional).

I've also decided that I do not forgive him for having an A. We've had the same argument over and over about how I wasn't there for him when his father was dying. Instead of going to me to grieve he went to the bcc (she shall be known as the bad carbon copy, all lower case.)

The thing is, I was there for him. I've always been there for him. It's him who wasn't there for me when I quit a job that was sucking the life out of me and making me really depressed. And I really hate him for that.

So I'm pulling a serious 180 on him. It might be going so far that it's more than a 180. He is now visiting his family in England. While he's been gone, I've moved out and I haven't told him. When I pick him up from the airport tomorrow I'll drop him off at our apartment and then be on my merry way (well maybe a quickie before I go )

I am very sure he has no idea. I don't know if this is going too far, but at this point, I'm not sure I care. I'm not willing to take him back regardless. I'm no longer willing to live with the constant thought that he could be starting a new affair or sneaking back to the old one.

In the past I had threatened to leave and then never followed through. Perhaps I need to make good on my threat. Unfortunately, this is the hardest thing I think I'm ever going to have to do in my life.

Wish me luck,
SuperStressed

. I'm not willing to take him back regardless. I'm no longer willing to live with the constant thought that he could be starting a new affair or sneaking back to the old one.


Hi SS,
I am a little confused. Since you've moved out and don't intend to take him back, why are you picking him up? Do you want to witness his reaction when he sees you've moved out? Is this a last ditch effort to get his attention or are you really finished? Sorry. I'm not up on your sitch and I'm a little confused.

I do wish you luck. This is all so hard, isn't it?

Spitfire

I'm picking him up at the airport because it would be cruel to leave him stranded. I also do miss him and would like to see him.

When I said I don't want him back regardless I mean I'm unwilling to live with him in his current state. I'm not willing to just forget everything and sweep it under the rug like nothing happened.

I do want him back, BUT, I'm not willing to disregard all he has put me through without some major effort on his part. I guess I'm just tired of his games and tired of being strung along. At the moment he wants to have me to take care of him AND do all the things he did as a bachelor like go out when he wants, drink and smoke to his heart's content and answer to nobody. Frankly I've been way too permissive.

Oh. Now I see. I don't blame you one bit about expecting change in him before continuing the R.

Good luck. I hope he wakes up.

Spitfire

Well I picked H up at the airport, unfortunately late, and he was tired and in a bad mood as the car was making noises all the way home. As soon as we walked in the door he noticed the computer was gone and asked me where it was. I told him it was with the rest of my stuff.

H seemed a little like a dog who has finally caught the car he'd been chasing and now doesn't know what to do with it. I know in the past I told him that I would move out if that is what he really wanted but I don't think he believed I would really move. Before I left last night we ML and then I got dressed grabbed a few things I needed and was out the door with him saying he'd call me Saturday.

Unfortunately this morning when I went to log on to my computer to work (I work from home), I couldn't get my Internet connection to work at my friend's house where I'm staying and had to drive back home with the computer in order to do my work.

It was very weird. I've been gone one day and already I don't feel like I live in my apartment. I don't feel like I live in my friend's house either. My H left for work about an hour after I arrived and again said he'd call me Saturday.

Now I guess I have to think about what I'm going to say to him on Saturday. I really don't want to talk about any R stuff. Then again, I'm sure he doesn't either.

SuperStressed

The moving out part has turned out to be so much harder than I thought. Was fine the first two days, then on Saturday I felt like crap all day. I was supposed to do something with my H, but when he called I decided it would be best if I told him I had plans and couldn't get together with him.

So I went shopping with a friend and didn't find anything I was looking for and was on the verge of tears all night. I find that I am just getting angrier and angrier with my H. I suspect he might be starting a new A and frankly that would be a deal breaker for me. I'm starting to feel like he's lied to me so much, even before his A, that I couldn't ever trust him again. And I hate him for making me lose my ability to love and trust someone.

We're supposed to go out for a late breakfast/lunch today and I'm afraid I'm going to just burst into tears, which is exactly what makes him run away. So I guess now I'm on an emotional bungee chord. One minute I want him back, the next I hate him.

hi,

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel, and I still feel that same way sometimes. This is so difficult.

You will have problems trusting him again; that is to be expected. If he decides to return to work on your marriage and reconcile, he will have to earn back your trust. That's just how it is. You believed in him and had no reason to think he would do what he has done. It's so hard to grasp the lies, the cheating. I know, believe me. It's been 5 mo. for me and I still sometimes sit here stunned that my H. has behaved this way.

Allow yourself that cry. It will help get it out, and let you grieve. Everyone told me (and they were right) that you just have to go through this, no matter how painful some of the lower moments are. Time is the BIGGEST help, but you can't speed it up. Wish we could! Keep believing in yourself and do nice things to cheer yourself up.

How did lunch go?

Hi SS-
Just wondering how lunch went with H.

I too have moments when i feel like i am just going to burst out into tears, which i know will only make things worse. But, it is hard to have that self control.

Trust is a huge issue...i struggle with this one myself. I sometimes think, if my H came back to me, what would it be like? Would i constantly have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach? Will i freak out if i can't find him? What kind of life is that? Right now, though, its not really an option since H doesn't appear to be coming back any time soon...if at all.

Sorry that you had a tough day on Saturday...i hope the rest of your weekend was better. What i've learned is that even when we think we can't handle anymore, we somehow get that "second wind" and pick ourselves back up. At least that is what happens with me.

Hope you have a good day!