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SS-

Oh dear.

First, ((((hugs)))) to you.

I've been there. I know how hard it is to live apart from H. I went running back after 6 weeks of living apart b/c I missed H much. But things weren't "fixed" at that point, and it just got so much worse from there...

We've all broken down before with our partners. As hard as we try to DB, act as if, sometimes the stress and our emotions get the better of us.
You just pick yourself up and move on. Don't dwell on it.
Do what you are planning to do tonight- talk calmly with H; don't "react" to anything he has to say, etc. Sounds like you already know all that, but sometimes it seems to help to have it validated by others as well.
And then you know what- have a great time with your sis this weekend! Get out into the city and let loose a bit...

And you know what- I'm not far from you at all. I live in south Arlington, near Shirlington. We should get together one of these days; since the DUI H been pretty good about saying he'll watch our son when I want to get out for a bit. Drop me a private message if you want-
Hope all goes well tonight. Keep us updated.

Hey SS-
Sorry you had a tough time with your H. But, it is only natural to let your emotions get the best of you from time to time...we're human after all. I find that sometimes after i have breakdown like that, i feel better and am able to be more rational the next time i see/talk to my H. I think that sometimes we just need to have that emotional outbreak as a way to set us free...does that make sense?

It seems like your H was sensitive to your feelings though...thats good. I don't know if you were able to speak to your H last night again...if yes, i hope it went well. Let us know what happened.

Where in VA do you live? My brother lives in Arlington. I will actually be down there in March for a weekend.

I hope you have a good night....hugs!

Thanks guys for your support but things have gone from bad to worse. I'm afraid what I have done is too awful to recover from and, even on these boards, I'm ashamed of my behavior.

First bear with me because this is going to be long and complicated.

As I have had computer problems where I'm staying while apart from my H I have had to go to our apartment several mornings a week to work online, where I do Web reasearch. This morning I went over and as I was stupidly snooping, I discovered my recent suspicions about a new OW to be partly accurate.

I was looking at his text messages in his phone and came across a new one that was to the woman I suspected that read something like this: "I've been dreaming of kissing you. I can't wait to be with you and see you again."

Then I found another text to another female friend of his that read: "So the affair begins. I'll let her tell you about it."

I tried to remain calm, but this is not his return to the original OW he had an A with a year ago but a new OW. I was trying to work but my emotions got the better of me and I flipped. I mean FLIPPED!

I went into the bedroom where he was asleep and told him that I was sick of his [censored] and that I only moved out so that we could work on our M. I continued that if he was going to have another A then he had to get out of our apartment that morning. That it was no longer in his control.

I told him I wanted him to leave and to never see him again and if he ever wanted to see me again he better take a picture. He said he already had one at work. I found this odd as on Friday he'd removed the last photo of us from the apartment.

He of course denied everything so I brought out his phone and read the text to him. For a while it was just me yelling at him and telling him to get out of the apartment and that I never wanted to see him again.

Things were OK until he tried to get his phone back from me and we went at it. We both started pushing and shoving each other for control of the phone. I feel so ashamed of what I did. He went into the bedroom and closed the door and I tried to force my way in. We were making so much noise that apparently our neighbors called the cops. Just as we had both calmed down the police arrived.

After the police left my H was mad because the officer seemed to think he was beating me, which was certainly not the case. Definitely unnecessary roughness between us but certainly not to the point where police needed to be involved. I think part of the problem is that we were yelling so loudly and not only do we have thin walls but it was only 7 a.m. at the time.

After we both had a chance to calm down, I of course felt like sh!t for what I'd done. Last week we were still ML and he was telling that he loved me and this week he is talking about lawyers.

Eventually I finished working and we were able to discuss things. He was crying because he didn't know where he was going to move to and said he'd stay in a hotel if he had to because he didn't want to be anywhere I had access to. I told him he didn't need to leave and apologized for my behavior. In the end I did something I really didn't want to do, I gave him my only copy of our apartment key.

We were both sobbing and he said he's probably going to have to tell the OW to steer clear and that I've probably ruined any chance they had. He said that nothing had happened between them until Friday--the evening after I broke down and cried--he went out with a bunch of coworkers and the two of them were the last to stay. He said he decided to confess his feelings for her and she felt the same way. According to him they only kissed. For some reason I believe him.

I've been suspicious of this woman for months but she's only recently been in the US. Before she worked with my H but out of their foreign office so they communicated only via e-mail and phone and it was inappropriate but not crossing the line.

I guess this time I knew before he did. When he went to Ireland and England in September to see his friends and visit his family she met up with them. Before he left for the trip our M was hanging on by a thread. When he came back he had made his decision that our M was over. I blamed this decision in large part on his mother who hates me but I guess I also knew that OW#2 was part of the problem.

At this point I have no idea what to do. Please don't be too hard on me as I'm already feeling crappy enough and really just numb.

I'll keep you all updated but as I have no regular computer access now I'm having to rely on the computer at the library.


SuperStressed

SS, take a deep breath...all is not lost. I've never understood why a woman would apologize for doing what you just did, your H is having an affair(s) and you don't have to put up with that. What he managed to do is to project the fault back onto you so that you are the bad person, not him. You cannot accept that fault. You just can't. YOU are not the one who had the affair.

This reminds me a bit of what my H has put me through, except that there was no affair. Every time I'd find something that he had done wrong, I'd get angry (and we are talking not paying child support or something like that) and he'd turn it around to where he was considering coming back to me and I'd be the one bawling and asking for forgiveness.

You need a break. This might be a good thing.....just stay away from him for a while. I know it is hard, but don't call him, don't go to where he is, pretend you just do not even care any more. These WAS's who are having affairs are able to get away with it because the know they are keeping us on the line while they act like this.

Take a deep breath.....everything is gonna be just fine. You didn't do something that you can't recover from. Take some you time.....a nice long bath, a glass of wine, a good book, just something for you.

SS-
First of all...hugs to you. Second, i don't know why you are ashamed of your behavior...in my opinion, nothing to be ashamed about. You acted out your frustrations, in a very difficult situation...its a wonder more of us don't beat the crap out of them
Look, things happen...its life. I think it is better to get it out then keep it locked up inside. Sometimes, i think that is what my H and I need...a real screaming match...we never fought. I think, sometimes, we walk around on eggshells, so afraid to do or say something that will cause a setback. Well, that can be emotionally draining. Perhaps you need to take a step back and clear your head. Don't have contact with him for awhile..it will allow you both the time to cool down.

he said he's probably going to have to tell the OW to steer clear and that I've probably ruined any chance they had.

Okay, WTF? Is this supposed to make you feel bad? Honestly, the things they come up with to blame us for in order to alleviate their own guilt is almost comical. So, lets see, his W ruined any chance he might have had with his GF...well, too fu..ing bad! For the love of pete!

Listen, about a month ago, i did something that i thought was going to ruin everything with my H...it didn't...not any more than it was already anyway. Don't place so much signigicance on it...i am sure he isn't. Try to relax...find something to maybe take your mind off of it. And above all, don't beat yourself up over it...learn from it. Take care today.

I'm glad you guys don't think I should be ashamed of my behavior. Perhaps you missed the part where I wrestled with him for his cell phone and basically carried on to the point where the police came.

At this point I feel at a complete loss as to what to do. I no longer have a key to my apartment which really really sucks. I don't know if I should bother trying to save my M now that he's decided to start another A with OW#2. I'm at a complete loss.

On top of that my H doesn't even consider our apartment ours anymore. Yesterday he kept talking about his apartment and how he wouldn't feel safe if I had access to our apartment and that now he couldn't trust me because I snooped. Yeah, I'm the untrustworthy one.

With this most recent A of my H's I've realized he has a nice little pattern going. He's had an office romance at every place he's worked. I was the first. Then the first OW was at his 2nd job and now he's at his 3rd office and is working on his next OW.

Unfortunately I still feel that eventually my H will come back but I'm not sure how we will be able to survive after a second A. Not to mention that he has told me that neither are really affairs because we were separated. WTF!!! Maybe he considers us separated now as we're not living under the same roof but last I checked he was still saying ILY and we were still ML. That's not separation under any definition.

I would scream if I wasn't so emotionally drained. Any thoughts on whether a M is worth saving if there is more than one A?


SuperStressed

Is your name on the apartment? If so, you should be able to get another key somewhere. Call a locksmith while he is not there. TOo frickin bad he doesn't feel safe. I'd make HIM find a new place to live.

Today is a much better day.

This morning I went over to our apartment to get my key back and my H was none too thrilled. He said he still was not comfortable with me having access to the apartment. I was a bit angry but stayed calm and told him that it was not acceptable for him to keep me out as I needed access to the computer, my files and other items not to mention see my cats.(Which means I still only have online access at the library!)

At that point I took my key back from our key dish and put it in my pocket. He said that if I wanted the key back then he was going to pack a bag that morning and stay with a friend of his. I was really tempted to say go right ahead you fu@@er, but I don't really want that. I'd rather know where he is even if it means not having a key.

In the end I gave him the key back in exchange for us snuggling a bit that morning in bed. He refused to kiss me on the lips, which pissed me off as that means OW#2 kissed him last. But, being able to get any affection from him was a positive in my books as on Sunday he had told me that my hug privileges were revoked.

After he got out of work today he called me and said I can continue to come over to the apartment to work during the day for the rest of this week so long as I leave the key behind when I go. I agreed to this but you better believe I will be making an extra copy before I do that.

Anyway, I guess overall I'm feeling less like I completely fu@@ed things up and more like this is a temporary, but necessary setback. And, not that I have any reason to believe him, but it seems this has made his future with OW#2 less likely.

While we were talking he said that he planned to get a lawyer and that if I wanted to counter with adultery I was going to have to use OW#1 not OW#2 as nothing had happened with the second one.

Frankly I don't know what to believe about what has gone on with OW#2 but from his text to a friend saying "the affair begins" suggests that it is at least in its infancy. But, I am way more worried about OW#2 as she is my age and not a naieve young thing. She is very smart, graduated from Harvard law with honors, and I wonder if she was waiting for my H to separate from me before she moved in on him. Not that I doubt for a second that my H is pursuing her big time. The other OW failed when she pushed him to leave me he decided to stay. OW#2 seems to be requiring him to break if off with me before things will start with her.

I was so tempted to e-mail the home-wrecking b!tch but I managed to contain myself.

Anyway, I told my H that it was a waste of money to go see a lawyer as it would just throw away money we don't have. He said he thought a lawyer would help speed up the D process and that he wanted to have a separation agreement. I replied that in VA you have to be separated at least a year before things can proceed as he has no grounds for D and because I was not going to agree to anything that would speed up a D.

I'm so sad that my H has no role model in his life who is happily married and has not been divorced. I think he sees this as a right of passage.

So now I'm reading "Make Up Don't Break Up" and trying my best to remain optimistic.


SuperStressed

My H is still planning to consult a lawyer to see what his options are for a speedy divorce. He wants me to sign a separation agreement. I know some of you have signed separation agreements with your spouses and I'm interested in your thoughts.

Do I have to sign a separation agreement? It seems that if I do I'm cutting the amount of time before he can file for a D from a year to six months.

I can't believe this is happening so fast. Just a week ago I thought we had a chance. Now he seems to be more determined than ever and every time we talk he makes a point to tell me that nothing has happened with OW#2--not that I believe him.

I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see if he actually consults a lawyer. God, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I'm of course proven wrong.


SuperStressed

super,

I'm very sorry for what you are dealing with. Here is some advice for you today. I would go through the yellow pages and call a lawyer who will see you for a free consultation. I have done this, twice. You are obligated to do nothing. You just go in, ask the basic questions, and pay nothing. He or she will give you a card and you can retain them in the future if you need to.
What you gain from this is free legal advice straight from the horse's mouth. Bring a notepad and a pen, and take notes if you must. I did this, as I was so nervous and scared that I was even DOING this, I was afraid I would not be able to remember anything he said.
I don't think you have to sign anything against your will. If your H. presents you with a sep. agreement and you don't sign, then you just delay the process. He can't force you to sign anything, as far as I know. But please, get a free consultation and learn more about it. Knowledge is power.
Hugs.
Hope