Please be kind to yourself. It's not your fault. The cheating spouse goes to great lengths to lie and manipulate in order to keep that secret going for as long as possible.
I got into awful arguments with my H. before "the bomb" and while he was cheating on me. I knew something was not right; he lied non-stop, even when I would directly ask him if there was someone else. I had no physical proof (believe me, I'd looked for it). What can you do then, if you don't have proof and he's telling you nothing's wrong? You just try to get through your day.
I think you were very observant; you knew something wasn't right. That was all you COULD know at that time. He wasn't going to let you know anything else.
Hugs, super.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Didn't see the news of the parrot but I'll definitely pass it along to a friend of mine who has an African gray. Very funny stuff.
Thanks all. I know I shouldn't beat myself up and I know I'm not an idiot but I've always kind of felt inferior intellectually around my H and his friends. They all went to Oxford, graduated at the top of their class and most now have a PhD. It just pisses me off that they all know about my H's A.
Part of my stress recently is because I left our apartment in such a rush (so I would be gone when he came back from a trip to the UK) that I still have lots of files and other stuff I need there. Just being home now makes me depressed and really angry even though my H is not home when I go. So I'm trying to just get what I need done so I won't have to go there as much until things are a little cooler.
NYS--Not to worry. I'm not having these bursts of anger when anyone else is around. Often it happens while I'm stopping by my apt or driving in my car. Usually it only lasts at most a half hour. I just worry that one day my H will call while I'm SuperPissed .
I do yoga so if possible I sit down and take a few deep breaths. That usually does it for me.
Started the day off very, very mad and very, very upset. Somehow this has managed to pass.
I'm also embarrassed to report that I couldn't last the whole week going dark. I sent him a text message to say I was going to our apt after my writer's group meeting tonight. On a positive note he sent me a text back to say when he would be home and to come over.
I guess I need to build up to be able to go longer periods in darkness. On Sunday when he suggested we get together for dinner I was able to act nonchalant about it. That ran out of steam sometime yesterday. I need to train like it's a marathon and build my DBing stamina.
Much better day today. I don't suppose it had anything to do with seeing my H last night.
Anyway, after my writer's group I went over to our apt and waited for H to come home. He said he'd be back around 9 which I knew meant like 10:30. Started to stress a little when he wasn't back by 11. Then, just as I was thinking I should leave and not let him know I was there, he came home.
He seemed tired and asked me if I had a bad day. I said yes. He said he had a bad day too. His boss has been a bit crazy lately and it is stressing him out. I was worried he was going to want me to leave but instead he asked me to stay the night. I've only been out of our apartment for two weeks and already I've really missed just sleeping with him.
We ended up ML and had a little bit of a talk. He keeps asking me if I'm OK and if I like where I'm staying. (I've been very vague as to where I'm living now.) He said you know I love you and have always fancied you. I asked him if he was happier now and he said no. I said your problem is you don't realize how lucky you are and you just keep thinking we're not right for each other. In the end I said let's not talk about it now. Let's just see where we are at the end of the month.
But even though things went so well last night I know he still needs more time. Today I've repeatedly reminded myself that now is when I have to back off a little more. I'm so tempted to do little things for him that I've always done like the grocery shopping. Since I left he hasn't go to the store except to buy milk for tea (he is a Brit after all) and there's pretty much nothing to eat.
I'm going to see him again Sunday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will still be moving out of his fog and I will have the strength to not push too far too fast.
I saw my H again Sunday and we had a really good afternoon together. First I took him grocery shopping. He hadn't gone since I moved out at the beginning of the month and really had absolutely no food. Before any of you give me a hard time, I will say this: though we live in an urban area with lots of public transportation it is a pain in the butt to do grocery shopping without a car and I have our only car.
It was partly amusing and partly sad to grocery shop together. As I like doing the shopping and he hates it, I always went to the store in the past. He really hadn't the first clue what it was that I usually bought and I had to tell him which things to buy. Part of this is from his being British and that he has never fully gotten used to American stuff, but I never realized how helpless he is at certain things. Academically he is brilliant but when it comes to daily activities he is just a little boy.
After we loaded the food in the car, I asked him if he wanted to see where I was staying since it was only a few blocks away. First he asked if I meant just to drive by. Then he said he didn't think it was something he wanted to see because if he didn't like it he'd be upset.
Later we went out to lunch to celebrate his raise. As we walked back to our apartment R talk came up again. He made the comment that he was going to end up like Peter Sellers (Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther) and die alone.
We're big Sellers fans and several months ago we watched "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers." In the end, Sellers dies alone but turns out he always kept a photo of his first wife in his wallet (I think he was married to 4 or 5 women during his life.) After we had watched the movie, my H saw some similarities between himself and Sellers and felt really bad about his past behavior. Not that my H's actions were nearly as extreme as Sellers.
In response to my H's comment I told him he was not going to end up like Peter Sellers because he was not going to make the same mistake. I said he (my H) would realize what he has, meaning me and our M.
It's just so frustrating to hear him say he loves me but to then say he still doesn't see us together in the long term. It just makes no f'ing sense.
I'm not going to let myself start thinking about it too much as I know it will only bring down my good mood. Unfortunately I have realized that it is completely unrealistic for me to be able to move back in at the end of the month. I had only planned to have this as a one-month trial separation but he is clearly not ready.
Perhaps some of you would be happy to hear your WAS say ILY, but for me it is just not going to be enough. I need him to see me, and only me, in his long term future.
"It's just so frustrating to hear him say he loves me but to then say he still doesn't see us together in the long term. It just makes no f'ing sense."
You are right it makes no F#$%$%#ing sense at all. Unfortunately they are not thinking logically right now. MY W does the same thing to me, and says she loves me, she does not want to hurt me, and I deserve better. Yet she is with the OM! This is when I realized that her words are not meeting her actions. I also realized that I was doing the same. My actions are not meeting my words, and that needs to change. I have to do what is neccessary to keep my marriage together, and make myself stronger, and take action on what I say.
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Here's a quote by Benjamin Franklin I've heard many times that I'm feeling is very appropriate for myself and many others here as we try to fix our Rs.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."~ Benjamin Franklin
