Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Patience do I have enough or am I done???

Hi Kim, just dropping by to see how things are going. I agree with the others about waiting for the meds to kick in.

As far as the trust issue thingy, I believe WAS should be an open book and kinda be thankful that the LBS had considered taking them back. When I told my H that I couldn't trust for awhile, he acted as if I had killed his dog.

Hang in there huney, I believe 2006 will be an amazing year for the DBers of 2005

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this year was so awful that I guess I want 2006 to be the start of new beginnings, with or without H

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So let it be a new beginning. Let his meds kick in. Set up boundaries to establish trust. GAL like crazy. These are things you've already started--keep going and hang in there. IMHO, of course.

Hi Kim-

Been following your threads for a while; I can sympathize with the struggle for asking H to be transparent. I have asked H to call me at night when he's out or working late, b/c that is the time I struggle the most w/ trusting him, and he pretty much just laughed in my face. I don't think his response was in so much that he doesn't want me to trust him again in that he feels I control him. Me asking him to call is just another attempt, in his eyes, of me trying to exert control over him. But it does make it harder for us, the betrayed, to decide whether or not our R are utimatley what we want still when our basic needs and boundaries are not being met.

Hang in there; I hope with time and patience things improve between you and your H.

Thanks ya all, you know what PFlower you may have something there with that control thing. My H might think like that too but you know another thing I realised whilst reading your reply.....OW probably has alot to do with all this without even having to be on the scene. She has fed him full of so much bull$#it that it takes him a long time to realise it.

Some of the things she had him believing I can't believe but when they have come out and I have pointed out how wrong she was H sort of realises then he is so daft at times. So anyway I was wondering if it is some of the things she has said and she may have said I controlled him in the past b/c she wouldn't have been getting her way in being able to see him if I asked too many questions when we were together so that would have made or think I pulled all the strings.

Anyhow he came over last night for tea so I picked up some T-Bone Steaks for the B.B.Q which i got him to cook. I did some Garlic Prawns so it was a Beef & Reef and we just had some herbed potatoes done on the B.B.Q and some salads.
It was all very nice but filling, I think it took me about 3 hours to not feel so stuffed.

Anyhow the night went fine, nothing special at all just normal.....Oh well, getting very close to accepting an offer from someone else if they come along at the same time i decide i have had it....>KDU

Hi Miss. Kimmy.

Now, Kim, I just want to say to you that you obv. have worked really hard and have earned the right to walk away any time you want.

Being on the outside of this and not dealing with the daily struggle of trust, which I can imagine is VERY grueling...I just want to say this. 10 months, my dear, in a lifetime, is not very much.

He may not be willing yet to be transparent, but I would imagine this is an issue of pride for him. I know that many books say that the WAS should be transparent to earn back trust, and da*n right, they should! You also, though, have to realize that many of those books are written geared to the one who betrayed and is valiently trying to save the M initially. I do believe that with some of these WAS, many of the ones here on this board, the rules are a little different. We can't get too demanding. They cannot take it. And they'll walk again. Now, that is not to say that H won't come around and realize that he does need to make extraordinary effort to earn trust, but he may not be ready to immediately. I am not saying you are wrong if you decide you've had enough. But I am saying that a little more patience may serve your M. Rather than push to H what he needs to do to earn your trust, it would be better if he realized that and determined that on his own, and did it willfully.
I would imagine, Kim, that considering the circumstances of these sitches, you guys will have to get some good counseling. I'd think a good M counselor in which you met jointly and independently may really help you...or determine how much he is willing to give. It would be better if you weren't placing demands though, IMHO. I think it sometimes is helpful to a WAS in seeing that others also view your boundaries as acceptable and reasonable and as not an invasion of his pride/or disrespect. These WAS's just truly don't get it....
Also, repairing a M after an A, from what I read, takes years. At least a good 2.
When we are hoping to get to a point of reconciliation, or working towards that...we think it will be so easy once we get there. But that's not the reality. Repairing the M takes an amount of strength and endurance that I think is just as difficult as when we are in the early stages of this process.

Kim, you worked hard to get here. You have not been here that long. Now, I want you to know you have my complete 100% support no matter what you decide. I just want you to be sure you don't make a choice out of exhaustion that you will later regret.

Lots of hugs. You are a strong woman, Kim. I know you will do what is best for you in the end.

KDU - I agree with the rest...that you've come a looooong loonng way to give up out of exhaustion. If you feel that you are at the end of the road, perhaps you could go away on a short break... away from your H for awhile. I know that I am not the right person to be advising (considering my yoyo-ing pattern for the last few weeks.. ) but I really think that you are just tired of the "holding" pattern. You are looking for H to be feeling soooo sorry for the pain that he has caused, and you want him to beg for forgiveness, to do anything that he can to WIN you back, and you are feeling frustrated because you are not getting that. The book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley did have a chapter whereby when the WAS returned to the LBS - sometimes they are still sooo arrogant and feel that they were right, blah blah blah. So, in your case, the sitch is not too bad. It's just not what you had hoped. I guessed all I can say is GO get a manicure, a massage and hang loose for awhile...

One Day at a TIME!!!!

Anyhow he came over last night for tea so I picked up some T-Bone Steaks for the B.B.Q which i got him to cook. I did some Garlic Prawns so it was a Beef & Reef and we just had some herbed potatoes done on the B.B.Q and some salads.


Yum, Kim I wanna come eat at your house. Promise I'll wash up and I'll bring a bottle or 2

Kim reading your post has made me realise that DBing has made us all so much stronger. We won't settle anymore, we want more out of our relationships, whether they are with H/W or someone else.

You have proven that you are going to make it by yourself, with H or with someone new. So no matter what ~ you are a winner and you deserve the best. Don't settle for less.

Thanks Yoyo, Kismet and SH.

Kismet yep you can come for tea that is fine by me....

SH good to see you around but did you have to be so right in what you pointed out???Sigh you made some really good points so I guess I will just keep soldiering on for the moment day at a time kind of thing and we will see. Thanks though by saying things like you did it can do nothing but make me really sure when the time comes. So I appreciate it and I hadn't really thought about it alot the way you pointed it out so thanks. I think we make so many excuses for them that it does get exhausting sometimes so Yoyo and someone else said just step back for a bit when tired and let it all just roll off so that is what I will do for now....thanks again guys, this board is so useful....Kim

Hi Kim...just want to comment on what Still Hopeful said. She is so right (again!). When H and I reconciled the first time, I would say it was at least a year, maybe 2 before I felt "solid" again. And my H did resent my need to reassure myself sometimes...it was pride, no doubt. He wanted to know I still admired him as a good man, even after what he had done.

Hang in there. If you do give up, let it be because you know your H is not the partner you want or need in your life, not because you are tired and frustrated. It will be worth it!

VJ