Quote: One thing though. You say she suspects that you may be seeing someone. Might she think this is your way of corralling her while misrepresenting your intention to not be involved with others? If so, she'd need to be assured that you're not seeing someone else
How do you think the best way of handling that is? Do you think I just tell her that I'm not seeing anyone?
I think what you have written out would handle that and perhaps (and let NYS handle this more gracefully because obviously I am not good expressing myself too well here)...something that would give her the reassurance that you were not seeing someone else. For all you know she thinks you are in an A...
Quote: Wow...I have never thought of it that way...I wonder if she is thinking... if he's doing it, I'm doing it...eeeks...I am so freaking out right now...
As NYS says please don't...I have great hope in you here...don't let me down Vince...don't let me down. It was just food for thought...sometimes we have to look at things from different sides...but we don't really know until we talk to the other person and hear from them.
Quote: Wow...I have never thought of it that way...I wonder if she is thinking... if he's doing it, I'm doing it...eeeks...I am so freaking out right now...
No, she isn't thinking that. She's thinking "I want what I want and I'm going to get it because I WANT it, nyaa nyaa nyaa!".
Quote: "I just feel that if while we are trying to work on our marriage these next four weeks, I find it hard for myself to see other people (she thinks we are both seeing people) while I want to focus on our marriage...what are your thoughts W?"
I like that. I know my C would never tell me to give her an ultimatum. Instead, I tell her what I AM GOING TO DO FOR ME. I told her I could not date for a couple years because I am not emotionaly available to someone which isn't fair to THEM. And I won't hurt my kids by putting them through that right now. Made her think about what SHE is doing and how it is affecting them without accusing her.
You can't go wrong if you speak in terms of YOURSELF.
How many times has someone said to you "I'm doing X and Y because it makes me feel ..." and then you think "Geee, I should be doing X and Y....."
just awoke to that terrible midnight phone call...My Grandfather just passed away...he was 87 and lived a long full life and I was just visiting him this weekend in KC...It was like he was just waiting to see me one last time before he passed.
I had a moment of weakness and called W...she answered and we cried together...she said how she wished that I wasn't alone and she started cring again...I told her that I would be fine...She asked if I was going up to KC by myself...don't know why she keeps asking that...I told her that I was and in a moment of weakness I said "I know this is kinda a weird time for us but I don't want you to think that you're not welcome to come with me but I don't want you to feel obligated either"...she just kinda blew it off...I think she said something but it was a non answer.
So the question to the board is. Do I tell her tomorrow that if she would like to fly up there with me I will book the flight and pay for it? (she asked me to call her with my plans as to when I'm heading up there)
(((((((hugs)))))))))) So sorry about you family's loss.I think it was ok to call her.I mean this is something tragic for you.She heard you last night I am sure but she probably doesn't know what she wants to do yet.she wasn't expecting the call.I would say something like "since it was so emotional when I called you last night I wasn't sure whether you want to make the trip with me.I am making arrangements now so ..."That is what I would do but I am sure you will get other opinions on it.i see this as something that while you don't need to stop dbing through taht you can kinda put the rules to the side for a moment.
Lisa_c
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ by Lao Tzu ~
Do I tell her tomorrow that if she would like to fly up there with me I will book the flight and pay for it? (she asked me to call her with my plans as to when I'm heading up there)
Vince, first off a thousand hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly am.
As for asking her to join you, I think you are fine. Ask her, that's all you can do. Yes you can definitely pay for her. Remember when you book the flight to ask for the Special Fare that most airlines have for set aside for just this sitch. I don't recall the name for it, tell them that your Grandfather has passed away...I have had to use it in emergencies.
I'll be thinking about you...take care...and we're here...
Your situation is a scenario that I fear; my C taking me down a path that conflicts with DBing. So far, my C has not done that. I have told her my approach and she admitted to not being familiar with it but has not refuted it either. She says that most of the issues I need to concentrate on are mine, and stop obsessing about W.
As for your sitch, personally I would feel uncomfortable going of the DB path right now. As has been stated in the DB/DR books (and I take even them with a grain of salt) many C's are interested in the individual health of their patients, sometimes much more than the health of the marriage. If she gets it in her head that the M is rotten and cannot be saved (and I am NOT saying she has) then she could start making suggestions to you that would force the issue in an attempt to show you the rot. I will temper that by saying that in the end, SHE is the professional and we are merely people who share a common experience and way of dealing with that experience. Maybe if you just ask her the same questions you're asking us, she could explain herself a little more and maybe validate your current approach. I am pulling for you, and really want yours to be a success story!
As for your sitch, personally I would feel uncomfortable going of the DB path right now. As has been stated in the DB/DR books (and I take even them with a grain of salt) many C's are interested in the individual health of their patients, sometimes much more than the health of the marriage.
This is one of the differences of Solution Based Therapy (DB) vs. Traditional Therapy. I went to both. It was my personal experience that I found Solution Based to work better in my sitch. Its one of those Your Mileage May Vary sitchs. The only reason that I went to the traditional therapist was because she specialized in addicts, and families of addicts...I wanted to get a feel for what I was working with in regards to Dave's alcoholism and depression. Once I understood that, I stuck with Chuck at DB until I moved on. I found that by having goals or a game plan I was much more focused.
