Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife 'totally in love' with OM, 3,000 miles away

Quote:

---

There is no way I could tolerate that gold ornament on the tree. The FAMILY tree. She should hang it in her room instead

---

Well I only know about it because I read her e-mail. It's a piece of metal. And it shows me more of her thought process - and how twisted it is right now.

Quote:

---

The mistletoe taped to the computer is weird, frank. Your wife is doing some strange things. I read about the mermaid towel, too, and how she and OM believe they were whales in a former life.

---

Yes, I have to stop myself from having her sent to the insane asylum, Did you read the article on the board about 'emotional affairs'? One of the things it says is that they do all these 'teenager behaviors' that you would never do as a real adult in real love. I remember stuffing one of my shirts under my pillow once because it had a girlfriends perfume on it and I wanted to smell it. Did you do anything like that when you were 17? It's all weird stuff but she WANTS to be in love so bad she is living in the clouds. If I challenge her beliefs she will pull away from ME and towards HIM.

Quote:

---

What does your counselor say about this to your wife?

---

Nothing yet, we just finally got her to GO to counseling with me under the pretense of healing the past so we can be friends.

Quote:

---

It does seem that this won't last due to the geographical separation, and that is in your favor. I will keep praying for you and your family, and that OM stays selfish. Maybe that trip next year will fall apart before it even happens.

---

I hope so

Well, she has been real crappy today. I'm sure it's a carry over from last nite where she was angry because she can't be with OM or tell people about him and how happy she is. She is stuck with me and the kids.

I had to go get some pet food and left saying I'd be back in time for her to go to work. I was about 5 minutes away and called home at the time I was supposed to be there to say I was 5-10 minutes away. D15 answered and told me she was already gone. No problem then.

W calls 20 minutes later from workplace and says 'oh, I was just checking to see if you were home'. Then she says 'this is your weekend with the kids right?' I reply 'I guess so, it doesn't really matter, we can be flexible'.

We just started this 'weekend' thing when SHE wanted to go see OM 2 weeks ago.

Then she says 'well you are supposed to make sure they are fed, and I ended up giving them lunch!'

I kind of snickered because it seemed silly to me and said "ok, I will make sure I feed them dinner after I pick up D15 from the movies at 4:30"

She says 'whatever, I just wanted to clear this up so we understood the rules'.

so, the week in review....

Monday she is comfortable with me and jokes around during the day.

Tuesday we spend the evening at D15's winter band concert and she miles and makes eye contact a lot during the evening.

Wednesday morning she gives me a hug.

Thursday we go to Councilor and she has to face the issues with the kids, and also some of the past issues we had with each other from 14 years ago. When councilor asks her if she has given up on me, she doesn't say 'yes' but says she just 'wants something different in her life'. Later she stresses out with kids who clue in to her stress and act out at bedtime, being needy and hurt. Later she goes for a drive in her car to de-stress. Hasn't done that since she got back from OM's 2 weeks ago. Was doing it nitely the week before when she thought he didn't care about her.

Friday morning she is playful for a moment and puches me in the arm when I make a bad joke at her.

Friday evening she goes to a party alone, comes back angry and sits in her room obsessing over OM and how angry she is he can't be with her right now.

Saturday she is angry. We have this invitation to both of us from a couple we know (not great friends of ours but we like them) to a party tonite. She said earlier in the week that SHE was going. I said that maybe we could go together and she said she would think about it. I am thinking of telling her I just don't want to go, but my councilor said to let her make the decision.

Well, I was under the impression that I was seeing changes in our relationship but her feelings appear to be pretty much dependent on how she feels her long distance relationship with OM is going. She obviously wants it to be 'normal' so she can live the fantasy life with him right now. But him being 3,000 miles away and not flying to see her right away, and her not being able to afford to fly to see him (which is not really true, she has plenty of $$$ on her credit card and could go any time if she wanted to) is making her depressed and angry.

So, she's taking it out on me by finding any little thing she can to complain about.

I was so grounded the other day, had it in my mind that I didn't care what she did any more, that she wasn't 'good enough' for me right now anyway, that maybe she would never be the woman I need in my life. Then the little things built hope and I slipped back into 'needy'.

So, I'll type it so it registers with me. I DON'T NEED HER. SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN I NEED IN MY LIFE. SOME DAY SHE MAY BE THAT WOMAN BUT RIGHT NOW SHE IS AN ADULTRESS AND VERY EMOTIONALLY MESSED UP.

I don't need her. Some day soon I will be totally over this and find someone who is right for me. It may even be her.

(((frank)))

I'm so sorry you're having a rough day because of W.

You know, it occurs to me that this whole thing is made even more "fantastic" in your W's eyes because OM is out of reach. I think the distance romanticizes it for her. Not that this helps matters; just seems this way to me. Are you going to the party tonight? Did she decide to go alone?
You're right, she is very emotionally messed up. My H. is, too. I guess I should keep telling myself I don't need him, either.
Not sure what else to say, frank. Did you say that OM calls her or emails her a lot? Is it possible he will grow tired of this long distance R.? I know you said you read some of the emails. If your W. keeps pushing herself on him, even via cyberspace and telephone lines, maybe he will tire of this and break it off. It could happen. This is an unusual situation and I don't have a lot of knowledge in these long distance things. But, I keep up with your situation and want to offer support. If you go to the party I hope you have a good time. Cheers.

OK, she came home and apologized for being mean about the kids lunch and stuff. she says she was just stressed out.

Also said she didn't want to go to the party tonite because last nites party was all 'couples' and she felt out of place.

as far as OM, they really don't talk a lot or e-mail. It's just that when they do its 'love you!' all the time.

She kind of lingered around instead of just leaving. It seemed like she was trying to make up for something.

Right now she is in her room looking at pics of OM on her computer. I could see through the crack in the door.

I guess I am trying to figure out why she felt she had to apologise. I mean, she doesn't care, right?

as far as OM she doesn't talk to him a lot, they e-mail a little and IM sometimes. A very strange relationship. but he DOES tell her 'I love you!' when they do IM and sometimes in email

frank,

Forgive me for being blunt. It seems like your wife has regressed to the age of about 13.

Quote:

---

Right now she is in her room looking at pics of OM on her computer

---

How is she with the kids? Has she stopped spending quality time with them, in order to have more free time in her room on the computer?
This isn't a real relationship, frank. I don't know what it is, but it's not. Heck, my H. and his o.w. have a much more real R. than this; that's the truth. She's REALLY lacking something inside and this obsession with this faraway OM has gotten a hold on her.
Do you think she chose to not attend the party because she wants to stay online? Just wondering if now she's going to stay in her room all night on the computer. Does this happen a lot?
I am sorry I'm not much of a help here. We need the big experts to weigh in...

Quote:

---

How is she with the kids? Has she stopped spending quality time with them, in order to have more free time in her room on the computer?

---

ok, let me be real clear about what she does every day - as I observe it.

She gets up every morning and goes through the before school routine with the kids every day. Nothing different there. She is a massage therapist so she will have clients at the house or out of the house. She does that no problem. In fact if you didn't know about her Affair she's pretty normal. She used to spend more quality time with D10, playing games and stuff. She still reads with her before bed and goes through the whole rituals and cuddles her in her bed. So I would have to say that life is sort of normal.

She doesn't hang on the computer all nite, or all day. She does check in for e-mail and messaging whenever she has a chance. And she goes to her room around 10 pm (1 am EST, OM time) and does get online to see if there's e-mail or if he is online so they can chat. So as far as the COMPUTER / INTERNET it isn't an obsession but she does use it as a way to communicate with him. She will also talk on her cell phone with him a few times every 1-2 days while she is driving somewhere. She won't usually call him while she is at our house because she knows I disapprove of her doing it anywhere but in her room.

Quote:

---

This isn't a real relationship, frank. I don't know what it is, but it's not. She's REALLY lacking something inside and this obsession with this faraway OM has gotten a hold on her.

---

Well, yeah. That's why she is a WAW.

Let me describe the 'situation' with OM as I see it. She says it isn't a 'relationship' because it can't be one. They are just 'lovers'.

He will generally send 2-3 emails each day. They are almost always poems, pictures, animation from web sites that he gets e-mailed to HIM every day from a mail list. It makes him look like a real romantic but in reality he is just a copier.

Sometimes he will send an e-mail where he actually says something. Not often though. When he does it's usually 'I AM SO HAPPY THAT I KNOW I LOVE YOU, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU' (the whale thing) or 'you are my true long lost love!' and other stuff like that. Or he will complain about his 'ex girlfriend' who still lives with him and won't give up trying to get him back.

She will reply, usually asking him if he feels the feelings that the poems or pictures are saying (so, do you worship me?). I actually have never seen him reply to those questions. He may have but I don't recall it. She will say the usual "I LOVE YOU's" too, and tends to write a little more but not much.

She sent him a picture of herself recently. He may have asked for it.

I don't know what they say in the Instant messenger but I saw it once and it was just him saying 'LOVE YOU!'. You really can't say much in IM anyway, in my opinion. It's good for teenager type talks but that's it.

Our cell phone logs show that about every 1-2 days she will call him and they will talk for 20-40 minutes. When I told her that she was using a lot of our rollover minutes she said to me " I guess I shouldn't call OM so much, we really dont' talk anyway".

So, there you have it. A few e-mails a day, maybe 1/2 hour or so of Instant Messenging and 40 minutes of phone calls every couple days. That's their relationship. They got together 2 weeks ago in Connecticut which is when she 'fell in love for sure', slept with him, etc. She is trying her best to work out another meet in February.

By her recent e-mails she is still convinced he is her soulmate and she is in love with him, and he is in love with her. They are just being prevented from being together by fate.

I notice that she is 'up' after she has talked to him. I can tell by the phone logs. After they don't connect by anything but e-mail for a couple days she is crappy.

I'll re-tell the 'starting' story again.

She was in Hawaii at a retreat for massage therapists. The last 3 days before she went we were intimate. Things looked like they were getting better. I was starting to pick myself up emotionally and I saw some progress.

She was unhappy with our relationship and shared that in the 'talking circle'. During the week she called me and was missing me, loved me, etc.

BUt apparently on the last day she was doing a two person massage on OM and he opened his eyes afterwards and said to her 'I love you'. She then felt a rush go over her and knew she was his soulmate from another life, where they were whales and lovers. (she told me this later). They didn't really get togehter while in Hawaii but ever since she got back she first dumped me, then started calling him to see how he felt. He apparently thought the same things, or at least agreed with her. He dumped his live in girlfriend of 3 years, who had also gone to Hawaii to this retreat. Eventually it turned into a visit to 'be friends' but became a full blown affair.

Quote:

---

Where is her sense of respect for the family's integrity and sacred spaces? Who is this woman?.

---

It's really crazy, the obsession with him is there all the time.

Quote:

---

I'm telling you, Frank, it sounds like she's going off the deep end; sorry if that sounds insulting, but she's acting very strangely. Could *she* be depressed?

---

Well I would think so. She has been unhappy for a long time with our marriage. Now she feels 'high' on love, which is a potent drug. She still functions pretty normally, she just has this bizarre relationship with OM.

And, she goes from being my really good friend, hugs, playfulness, to cold as ice. She also will say things to me like she is annoyed, only to come to me later and apologise. When she apologises it feels like she thinks I might leave her or not want to be around her any more. It's strange.

ok, let me add a few things to my previous post. At dinner time I was in the Kitchen standing with W When I got a weird feeling. It came to me that I should say something to her about how she is acting emotionally. It was weird, like I was getting a message to DO THIS. I was scared but this is what happened...

Her: Is there something you want to say?

Me: Yes, I don't know how to say what I am thinking, hmm.

Me: OK, It must be hard for you to be here right now when your heart is really somewhere else.

Her: Are you saying that to be spiteful!??

Me (calmly): No, not at all. I can just see the conflict. I know you'd rather be with the person you really care about right now, and it's hard when you can't be. I'm not being spiteful, I just know how you feel.

Her: (now crying slightly) I feel like I'm split into two people, part of me is here and part of me is there. I don't know what to do, it's like I'm split in half. Do you think the girls can tell?

Me: No, they have no idea about any of that. Don't worry about it.

pause

Me: I'll always be your friend. That will never change, no matter what.

Her: (calmer now) I don't know how you keep living like this without going crazy.

Me: I'm ok. I'm not worried about me.

She then left the kitchen.

How weird. I remember reading in one of the books on Emotional Affairs that one thing you should do is point out to them how extreme some of their actions or feelings are and do it in a gentle, non judging way. That way when they are sitting quiet and alone they may think about it and how it is affecting others.

The article talks about how you can say things like "It has to feel weird to have feelings that you had when you were a teenager" and other things that get them thinking about the weirdness of their emotional situation. It's supposed to be a way to get them to analyze what they are doing.

So, something told me to do this now. So what did I accomplish? Well, she knows that it is obvious that she is putting a lot of energy into OM, and not here with the family. She is not happy with that aspect of herself, as is obvious by her crying and judging herself for being 'split' when she should be 'here'. She also knows that I am not afraid of her feelings for OM, or I wouldn't have brought it up. She knows I am her friend, no matter what.

But mostly, I believe that she could see my compassion for her feelings and that I was coming from my place of unconditional love. I didn't need or want anything in return. I just wanted her to know I could feel her hurting.

I made a fire for her and D10 and took off for a drive to de-stress. I called a friend and talked to him about faith, and how hard it is to have faith that you are doing the right things in this situation. And when do you give up and decide it's hopeless, or not worth it.

When I say a prayer, asking for direction, I haven't gotten a message that I should move on or give up. I keep getting 'something about this is all wrong'. It's not just 'oh she shouldn't be having an affair' that is wrong. It's 'this affair makes no sense in the real world, only in a fantasy world'.

And it's all the little things she does to stay on 'good terms' with me. She doesn't have to and she knows that. In fact, a lot of people I read about on this board get a lot worse treatment than I do from their WAW who is having an affair. She has this long distance thing that is just - crazy. But she also has me. I haven't left her and she does the little things, maybe to keep me from leaving. I don't know.

One of my friends pointed out that she 'wanted her life to be different'. Well, it is now. She is acting almost exactly the opposite from the way she was in the marriage. So now it's different. But is it better? It doesn't look like it to me, at least not tonite.

My life keeps getting weirder.

Quote:

---

It is really hard to see *how* on earth this could all be positive. OTOH, I have grown a lot as a person, am more self-confident and indepedent, getting better at making boundaries and taking care of *myself*.

---

I have to say the same for me. Many years ago I was a very strong, driven, compassionate person. I lost that part of myself. Now I am getting it back and I know, that in a year from now no matter WHAT happens my life will be better. I know that because in the past, when I have been in that place of inner strength and peace my life IS better.

I also know that after enough time my wifes activities won't hurt me any more either. I'm almost starting to think of her as just one of my teenage daughters, acting irrational because of the sickness of 'in love'. When I get to that point, I probably will have detached enough to where I don't care if she ever falls back in love with me. And I fear that at that time I won't WANT her to because my opinion of her at that time will be that of a child, and I want a mature woman. That's what I see happening.

But then there is the influence of our counselor. I know she will keep chipping away at the past and pointing out the good and positive parts of our life to W. I know she can touch my W's heart and pull her back into the feelings she's running from. I hope W keeps going with me to see her.

I think that is the only thing that might shorten this process. ANd it needs to be shortened because I'm starting to see the things about her that I never liked are becoming bigger issues because they are so in my face now. That's slowly making me not want to be her husband, since I can free myself fom those burdens of her personality. She has to change too.

I will continue to work my hardest to detach. I get better every week. ANd yes, it's never a dull moment!

W is going to see one of her spiritual friends to get a massage and spend the day with her. This particulal friend is a counselor in training who of course subscribes to the 'self gratification' philosophy where you have to do 'what is right for you'. So I would expect that she will support W in her 'journey'. However, I am praying that she will also reflect back to her that maybe this is not a relationship that is supposed to be. This is what W claimed she believed the days before she went to visit OM and she wasn't going to do what she has ended up doing.

Her friend is weird but not crazy. She isn't one to buy into the teenager type girl stuff about being in love. And by now W has a lot of issues to talk about that are problems, like she can't tell anybody about affair, she is torn between being here or there emotionally, she can't stop thinking about him, etc. These things should raise alarms even for her friend. Or, she could just be in girlie mode and they only talk about the excitement of the affair and she doesn't touch on the negatives at all. BUt her friend has a knack of getting to all sides of her personality so you never know. We can always hope.