Dear TG, I'm sorry about your W's idiotic choices and her need to explain them to you. That just s@%ks. I can't imagine how I would have handled that call. It sounds like you did a decent job.
What are our WAS thinking? I love how these aliens inform us of their adulterous choices and expect that we should be OK with them. It's the ENTITLEMENT factor at work again. They feel so entitled to do what they do.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I'm sorry Tg. This is a tough, yucky thing. Do you think your wife was telling you in the hope that you would ask her not to go? I mean, she has been asking you questions about whether or not you're spending time w/ other women.
Your wife sounds like she's going through a pretty big crisis in her life right now (FIL's illness - which is a horrible thing to go through, seperation from H and children, new job, living in the middle of nowhere, etc.) This is all huge downer stuff. Anyway, could you manage to keep your interactions with her light and humorous? Would that be a 180?
I wish I could offer better advice than "try not to think about it". Just know I feel for you and the whole board is here for you.
I'm sick and tired of W's dodgeball circus act and I'm not going to bark anymore at her command. I'm still DBing as far as it applies to me, but I'm through applying it to my R with W.
(flaneur) ...could you manage to keep your interactions with her light and humorous? Would that be a 180?
That's all my interaction has been with W for the past 2 months. We joked around, gave each other ribbings about the sitch and other things, telling each other funny things the kids did while they were at her place or with me, we have a goofy silly ritual we go through when we answer the phone, we laugh about W cooking a cat that had crawled ontop of her engine when it was cold and it stunk up her van, similar stories that involved her mother many many years ago except it was chickens. On and on. I felt like DBing was really working. Maybe it was, but she then handles this Vegas trip in her old traditional way and gives us all the finger.
Do you think your wife was telling you in the hope that you would ask her not to go?
This thought has crossed my mind. I almost said it flat out to her "don't go", but she knows I don't want her to go. That's why she notified me in the way she did. Would it have made any difference if I asked her to stay??? Honestly I don't think it would, but maybe she did want me to beg or fight for her or whatever. It might explain her later behavior. But it should be her decision without my direct influence, right?
Two days ago when she informed me of her trip, she mentioned that she should tell D9 where she was going and wanted me to confirm her feelings that telling D9 would be best. She didn't want to lie to D9 when she called from Vegas since D9 grills W pretty hard whenever she calls. Ya know...a good parent keeps in touch with their kids while they are off whoopin' it up with their lover (sorry for the sarcasm). I told her to do what she thought was best. I did ask her why she was hesitant to tell D9? W said it was going to hurt D9's feelings b/c it's not what D9 wants. So it was going to bother W that her actions hurt D9 but not enough to change her actions.
So last night when I got home from work D9 was in tears on the phone getting the news that W was going to Vegas with OM, and "some fishing buddies" of OM. The buddies part was news to me. OM has fished about 3 minutes in his entire life. So W is full of crap. I guess the fact that other people were going too was meant to soften the blow to D9? W then talked to me to apologize for upsetting D9. I could here a speaker in the background. I asked what the noise was and W said she was at the airport. (So she broke the news of her trip to me a few hours before leaving and to D9 minutes before leaving. In fact she was already packed before she told me. It explains why she had the SUV sized bag with her when she changed clothes for D9's cello concert.) I snapped a bit (due to D9's tears) and calmly but sternly told W to never insult our intelligence again by telling us she is sorry. Her actions defy her words. And I don't believe for a second that she was agonizing over whether to go or not. Then I changed to a friendly tone, asked what the temp was supposed to be out there and to have a good time.
Needless to say, D9 was hurt and pissed off. So I got to validate and console her while reminding her that W is still her mother and W does love her very much. I don't think she bought it. When she removed W from her cell phone contact list I knew I had my hands full. She said, "I'm officially breaking up with mom." You may be aware of the commercial on tv that D9 was referring to. D9's visit with her C on Monday could be interesting.
There are lots of things I thought I'd hash out from our first phone call about the trip but I've changed my mind. Her words won't mean anything. It's her actions the tell volumes.
One thing I will hash out after all - we discussed her "having her cake and eating it too". W acted surprised that everyone and I mean everyone that knows the sitch uses that phrase to describe her and how I've handled the sitch. I pay for her auto insurance and (thru my work) her health insurance. I raided my Roth IRA to pay for our auto insurance. Obviously since she has lost soooo many points thru speeding tix and an accident, that she has lost her license, the insurance rates are sky high b/c of her. All the tix and the accident happend since the A started. Living a double life 1 1/2 hours apart requires lots of road time, speeding, and taking odd different routes that when you're not paying attention can lead to accidents. It has been her choice to carry on this lifestyle. I am digging change out the couch, regifting, and such to scrape together X-mas gifts this year. I'm also trying to whittle away at $9000 in loans and credit card bills that she had a large part in accumulating. W seems to have enough cash to take a vacation and she had on new clothes at D9's concert. Would I be out of line to drop her from the car insurance? It's my attempt to remove her cake supply. What does everyone think. Tips on how to handle this would be great.
She can't drive anyway, right, since she lost her license? And I would imagine this is costing you a significant chunk of change. If you're truly ready to DB for you and not for her, then what do you *want* to do?
If you drop her she'll figure it's in response to her trip. You can tell her it's not that the trip made you angry, it's just that your feelings for her have been slowly dying and the trip accelerated that process.
Do you have credit cards that she can still charge on? Might want to report them lost and get a new number.
I'm sorry to hear about D9, dude. You're doing a great job being there for her and S6. Even OgreDad is being there for them. Good work.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Well she can get a work permit, BUT she has to show proof of insurance. Heh.
what do you *want* to do?
Oh, man, I want to drop her off the insurance like a hot rock! I guess I always get caught up in what I *should* do. That would be quite a 180 for me to do what I *want* to do.
The whole correlation with the timing of the trip is something I've thought about. You are right she'll point to the trip as the reason. In a way it is. It's pissed me off enough to actually consider completely dumping her financially.
Do you have credit cards that she can still charge on?
I got a new CC awhile back and closed our old one cuz she was still using it. Her name is on the new one but she doesn't know that. All her dishes, towels, shower curtain, etc. at her place were all charged. I moved the balance off of the old card to the new one b/c it has 0% interest. So I'm paying for all of her stuff. Many months ago W said she'd "help" with the CC's but I have yet to see a penny. I admit I haven't asked either. Too proud I guess. That's probably a wrong move on my part.
Even OgreDad is being there for them.
OgreDad is on vacation for awhile. He only shows up when I'm dealing/processing subtle psychological frustration all by myself. Currently the sitch is more in-your-face hardcore action. I can handle that better and since this involves D9 it forces me to shift into father/adult/man mode. You may have hit upon something I can use. Hmmmm, yeah, <stroking goatee stubble> I think I just learned something. Thanks.
It's pissed me off enough to actually consider completely dumping her financially.
Okay, this is something I'm dragging in from my own sitch, but don't you find yourself thinking that if her new buddy wants to be around for the thrill ride he oughta have to grease the gears, too? And maybe he is to some extent, but still. If she lost her license due in part to zooming around to see him, let him pick up that slack. Maybe he will without thinking twice. Then she can start to see *him* as a doormat if that's how she thinks. Maybe he won't and she can start wondering how much he really loves her. Heh.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Phaser, you're asking for a long complicated post.
...let him pick up that slack. Maybe he will without thinking twice.
Here's a factor in my timing of letting W pay for her own insurance very soon. OM's D will be final early next month. The reason that is important is...if he does start throwing $$$ at her it will only be *his* money and not his XW's money. OM and his X have a business (farming) fund that is/will be used to pay off their huge loans until the D is final. This summer OM already used some of that money to pay for W's rent! He got his hand slapped by his X (and caught in lies to X and W). Thus W's motivation to move to the super cheap rental house close to him. He wouldn't have to "steal" from his X since I was cutting off paying for W's higher rent here in the city. I felt slightly responsible for indirectly causing his X's money to be taken. So I gave W the money to pay back OM and X.
So there's a long example to show that OM will be ready and willing to help with $$$. At least now it will be his and only his money.
It will be a night and day comparison between OM and me too. Over the years and many years ago I was given a nice bit of money from my grandparents. It was intended (and is my plan also) to be left alone and allowed to grow over the years. Then some of it could be used for kids college and so on. Normally in the past we'd use a little of that money to just make a large CC debt go away. W had some money from her mom when she died 6 years ago. It's gone. So you can see how W thinks money should be used. Her reasoning is that her mom died and didn't get to enjoy her money and life is too short so... Dovetails nicely with the WA credo, doesn't it? OM is of the same mindset. What I don't get (actually I do cuz I know WA's) is that FIL lived the same way with money. W rants and raves about how her F spent every penny he made and now has a huge debt that is now complicating how he's being cared for.
Makes me think someday everything is going to come into alignment in W's head and she'll see what is happening. She's not dumb. She's very intelligent. When will the conficting WA haze burn off so she can see? Maybe she already sees but pride and stubborness are in control now?
This probably sounds like I think I'm the only one that can save W. I'm no saint. I can burn through money as fast as the next guy. I now see that I should have been less stringent with the dollars in the past and been open to some of W's ideas for trips and such. There can be a happy medium between our monitary philosophies. But for now, until I can get the financial ship righted again, I have to be bit of a d!ck.
Almost kind of nice to have some action going on in the sitch.
W called from Vegas to see how the kids are doing. S6 is getting a cold. D9 is fine. W asked how D9 was last night after her airport phone call. I told her that I talked with D9 a bit and just asked her how she felt about the sitch and so on. No mom bashing went on between D9 and I or anything detailed like that. W sounded relieved that I had handled it like D9's C said to. W asked how I was (again) and she sounded down. Asked how I slept and repeated the question followed by a "seriously". I said I slept pretty good (the truth). After a pause I asked how she slept. Her reply: I didn't. I said "Well, it's Vegas. You're not supposed to sleep. That's why they don't have clocks in the casinos" in a joking manner. She asked if that was true (the clock part). That was the end of the phone call.
Don't know if she was truthful about not sleeping and whether or not it's due to the sitch or cuz it's Vegaaaaas baby. I'm choosing to believe she's having a rotten time and doesn't want to be there. I'm sure OM is pickled and blowing thru $$$, probably swimming in his cut-offs in the pool. Such a GQ guy.
How was Christmas shopping? Hope you had fun! Sounds like Vegas isn't all it was cracked up to be for your W. When does she return from that trip? I wanted to say that you handled the situation with your D. admirably. I hope she and your S. are both doing very well.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
