Today is Christmas cookie give a way day. Anyone who shows up at the door can have a mitfull of cookies! We made piles and piles of cookies and candy during our annual bake day! Back to Friday first though. H came home later than usual for a Friday, and I know he wasn't working because his tools were all at home. But he walked in friendly enough, even overly friendly, whatever. We had received a big box in the mail, so he was like a little kid rummaging thru it and guessing what was in the wrappers. Nice for a change. I made cookie dough, had H taste test it, and he even had 2nds. The rest of the night was pretty much silence as we fell back into our quiet routine.
Saturday was cookie day! I was up early and loading up stuff to take along to mom's, our usual gathering spot. On my last load I asked H if he was coming over today(he usually does), he said "I guess not." I didn't ask or plead or beg, I said 'then I don't need to bring any cookies home." His reply was "it's up to you" and I left. It's a 15 minute drive to mom's, a few minutes from her place I got a txt mssge from H about stuff at home, and he asked if I was going to the moonlight ride tonight. I figured I couldn't ignore it because he knew I was still driving, so I just replied about the stuff at home part, and ignored his question about my evening plans (mirroring him?). Over the next couple hours while I was at moms I got more txt mssges from H than I have in two weeks combined. I replied sporadically, and finally called him to make a special point of letting him know that everyone wondered if he was showing up, where was he, how was he, yadayadayada. He seemed pleased but said he had to finish some bookwork and then would come over later. So, I fed his ego, let him know how everyone wanted him and asked about him, and he responded positively. He and I were actually the last ones to leave, we stayed to the bitter end as everyone else had to leave earlier before we were all done. It was interesting and informative, as my stepdad started conversations with H about planning future events, stuff around here, asked about kids. H answered pretty positive about those things without irritation in his voice. As H was leaving they made sure to remind him about coming for Christmas and see ya then, H said yes. I was the last to leave, and stepdad asked me how things were with finances, he knows how tough it was last year for me. Without blaming H, I said it has continued to be tough, things will never be the same as they were before he got hurt, and blamed it more on needing people to pay for services we provide for them or their horses. With that discussion, my stepdad said to be sure I let him know if things got tough and he will help. So without spilling my guts to anyone, I know my folks will be behind me. I always knew they would, but to hear it said is some comfort.
0 degrees is too cold for a moonlight ride, so I let our friends know I wasn't coming. bbrrrr. I worked on a little bit paperwork, couldn't get too motivated just knowing how cold it was outside. H was on his laptop, laughing quite a bit. At first I was irritated about it, couldn't he share it with me too? but I didn't ask, and then thought that it just felt good to hear him laughing within the walls of this house. I went to bed fairly early, opened Christmas cards and read some in a book.
I had the weirdest feeling Saturday morning as I was getting ready to leave. I knew H would tell me he wasn't coming, and that I would have to end up making a special invitation (but he did make that easier by doing all the txt mssging). The thoughts in my mind surprised me, I just kept calmly thinking this isn't how I want to be living, I don't want to be married like this. If H would have said at that moment lets separate, I would have said you bet. I guess that made it easier to walk out the door and leave H behind, this time.
But I had a nice day, had fun and laughter. My goddaughter, 6 years old, asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I thought for a bit, and as her mom (my niece) was listening, I told her chrome for my truck (way too expensive) or let's go to a movie together. My Christmas GAL.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi, I have been reading your thread over the last few days. Just want to tell you that you are an amazing woman and are doing a great job DBing.
My H left over 5 months ago and things are way better since I started Dbing 4 months ago but he is still not ready to come home. Many times I have thought " if only he would not have left or only gone for a short while, then we would have better chance" . Reading your thread has given me such an appreciation for how complex it is even when they dont leave home. Perhaps it is even harder as there are so many more interactions, which I know can be so tiring. (Dbing works but requires so much thought.)
Anyway, did not mean to hijack your thread just wanted you to know how your thread has touched my life.
Keep doing what you are doing!!!!
bravagal
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
A rope goes into a bar and tries to order a drink. The barkeep sez "Are you a ROPE?" And the rope sez "Yep." Barkeep sez "Well, we don't serve ropes in here". Disheartened, but angry, the rope leaves the bar, goes out to the parking lot, ties himself in a knot and frays his ends a bit. Rope heads back into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. Barkeep eyeballs him and sez "Are you a ROPE???" The rope sez, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Good thinking on playing to his ego about the other folks wanting him to come along. Not necessarily pursuing or being needy but making him feel good and opening the door to the two of you having some positive experiences together with little pressure.
Seems that the families can often do more to hinder repairing a R than helping...not that they don't have good intentions. I like the way you used their energy to your advantage. Very smart!
I'm glad that you have been able to detach a little bit. Will surely help you to enjoy the holidays a bit more.
Thank you bravagal, thank you for the kind words. I'm not so sure which way is easier, to stay in the same house or to be separate. I AM sure either way is not easy to do. Some days I think I will come home and H will be here to meet me and say he's sorry and this has all been a big mistake and he loves me and let's get busy being even better than we ever were! That's not reality. There's other days when I dread coming home because I think he will be here, but that rarely happens. But then as the time gets closer that he should be coming home, I feel anxious, what will we say or do tonight? so I try and stay busy and occupied and not let my mind wander, not always successful. Something that is different now than when he was fresh involved with ow is that now he usually comes again to find me and see what I am doing when he gets home. Before the whole ow thing he would come home and find me and give me a kiss, no matter WHAT I was doing. So at least now he comes to see me again, usually. I like that.
Anyway, middle of the day here, and H went to take a shower. I sure wanted to join him, but I stayed away. No need to feel the rejection again. After all, he's warming up today. I made his eggs and toast this morning and told him they were ready. I was still cooking my eggs and the toast popped up, so he buttered my toast, and then took his plate to the table to wait for me. I was sure he'd go to the couch and eat with his laptop for company. See how great things are here?
And some day, when I say he buttered my toast, I want it to have a whole different meaning!
I had a dream Friday night, I don't like it when I remember dreams, bad things happen. I dreamt I was in a wheelchair and couldn't walk, couldn't get up, couldn't do anything in my life I've been used too. Then I saw another lady struggle to walk, she got up and made it. So I tried, and I finally made it too, I was walking again. I woke up shaken and remembering that dream, and couldn't help but think that my marriage is my wheelchair keeping me down but still rolling, this BB is the other lady that made it, and I will get up and make it too. But I still don't know if I will make it with H with me or on my own.
Should reach double digit temps soon, and the sun is shining. Hope to get to those outside Christmas decorations that I didn't get to last weekend.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
bravagal