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WCW,

I hesitate to even post a reply to your last update, because I might be the wrong influence. So don't take anything I say too seriously, OK? What zenmaster said is definately quality advice. But I can't help identifying with your frustration and asking when is enough enough?

You have been dealing with this so long and in such close quarters with H that you can't just take a break and pretend your not in the R for a while. That is what keeps me going I think. I have been separated for a year and a half and will continue to be separated for atleast another two. I have my ups and downs like everybody, but I also have the space to ignore the fact that my M is broken right now, because H isn't coming and going.

I can see how hard it is to be hit in the face with your broken M everyday...does H come home, doesn't he, does he say anything to you, does he do anything at home.... I had to deal with this for 5 months between the time H left the house and I moved away. Having him come and go as he pleased, treating me like I didn't exist, was torture. When I left, my emotional stability immediately improved. But at that point I had already given up on the M and didn't know DB existed.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd found DR before I moved away. If I'd stayed and used DBing while H was still coming by to visit S, would it have changed things. Could I have avoided having to leave an area I liked for an area I don't? Could H and I have been back together physically now?

Maybe, but who knows how long it would have gone on. I would have been in the thick of it. Too close to the fire to get a break once in a while. And my leaving made H realize that he couldn't file for D afterall. If I'd stayed without finding DB, he probably would have filed.

Anyway, I 'm going off on a tangent about my own stuff. It just seems like sometimes there are advantages to physical separation and sometimes it might make things worse. I've heard some people on this board say not to do anything that will push WAS out the door.

I am completely unqualified to say which side of the coin you should try for. But, maybe you have an idea of what is best.

As far as your message to OW. I have a slightly different reaction from zenmaster. In a way, I think demystifying OW would help you emotionally. I can't say what it would do for your R and how your H would react. You know that best. But, if you can develop a kind of empathy for OW, it will help you. It will help you feel less like she's got something you don't. You may even start feeling pity. It may have nothing to do with whether or not H continues his R with her. But, it might help you deal with it. Of course, that all depends on how you manage contact with OW, if you can find a nonthreatening way to do it.

I know you're down in the dumps, and damn if it's not for a good reason. You've been doing this so long. You ought to be tired. I'm not recommending any course of action, becuase I just have no idea, but you DESERVE resolution. You deserve to move forward with your life. I just wish things came more easily to people who deserved them.

WCW, time permittong, please drop me a line at aynesr@lycos.com. Thanks.

Thank you all for expressing your opinions, it really means a lot to me. Busy and short staffed at work again today, but I’ve read all of your comments and suggestions. I would love some time off right now, but I don't know when H is around home all day, and just my luck he'd be here the same day I would play hooky. Plus, we've been busy and short staffed, my boss is out of town........ and plenty more excuses why I need to be responsible and go to work like I am supposed too. Someday, I'll let MY MLC take over, in fact, maybe I did last night. Zen, (how was your date?) I'm not upset at all with you, give it to me like you see it. Sugar coating gets nothing but a sticky mess, and I sure don't need anymore of that. Anesyr, I sent you an email. Am I the person H met and loved? interesting, the answer is yes and no. I have to think more about it.

The additional trouble I created last night is that in subzero temps outside I easily pulled the handle right off of the trailer door. Broke slick off. Panic thoughts ran thru my head, and I decided it best to just confess to H, and let him decide if he wanted to know the whole story. I sent him a txt that said I broke the handle and he could call me or talk when he got home, he replied immediately ‘which trailer?’ I did not reply, but a few hours later he called. He wanted to know what I needed out of ‘his’ trailer. I said nothing, it was what I wanted to put it in it. Then he asked about what stuff and if it was sitting outside waiting for him. I said ‘no, it was all dumb.’ Silence. I changed the subject, then he said he’d be home in an hour. I waited up, when he came home we talked about a few other things, but then silence. Finally I said “if you have any questions or would like to talk then we should.” H had an angry tone then and said “about you loading up my stuff? What were you putting in?” I just said stuff, it was dumb. But this time I wasn’t going to just spill my guts if he didn’t ask the questions, if he didn’t care enough or have guts enough to ask me or talk to me. Not much more said, I got up to go to bed and asked for a hug, H did get up and I hugged him, he wouldn’t hug back. He sat down, I said I didn’t know if he wanted to talk or not, he said he left it open, leaned back and closed his eyes. I just said I had a really bad night, and I have a hard time understanding why it is okay for him to pick and choose what parts of this relationship he keeps. If it stays open there would be a better time to talk when he would stay awake. It may never happen, he just doesn’t want to care or give me a chance to say anything.

This morning was okay, I decided I might as well try and fix the outlet in the bathroom that hasn’t worked for a while. When I got a screwdriver his interest perked up, he was standing in the kitchen, so I went and gave him a hug and put his arm around me to hug back. He followed me to the outlet but wouldn’t help, I asked if he would pick one up but no, I should, and I said maybe with any luck I could electrocute myself tonight.

I did leave him a message about a contact I know to get a new handle for the trailer door, I will try and do that if he would let me know model etc. He called back with that information and we talked okay.

I’ve been writing down my thoughts last night and today, trying to figure out just what to say and how to say it, without making him offended or making anything worse than I have. What I don’t understand yet is why we don’t ever get to make up like other couples, like the movies or tv, I just get the sh*t but never any pudding. I don’t know if we’ll have any sort of talk about us, I pretty much doubt it unless I try and bring it up. I feel like I should explain what happened to me last night. I know H has a friend that came home and found his stuff on the steps. I don’t know if I could ever follow thru with that, maybe, but I don’t know until the time would come. I never thought I would stay married to a man who betrayed me either, until it happened.

I sold the irritating white car today. It wasn’t my plan, but I was asked this morning if it was for sale and I said yes. A guy came to work and looked at it, offered me a price, and I took it. I hate that car, I hate driving it. I haven’t driven a car for nearly 20 years. Maybe my PMA will go back up just by driving my truck. Call it vanity, I like driving my truck. No anti anything spray on it, bigAl.

I stopped tonight to run some errand and get ideas for a Christmas party we are to attend this weekend. I called a friend when I was done to ask her some more information about it, and guess who’s there!! H is there, such a small world. He was just leaving, which means by the drive time he should be home almost any minute. And, I heard her tell him see you Saturday, so I know he can't plead ignorant about not knowing this time.

There’s my day so far, with a potentially long night yet to come.

Quiet enough tonight. Relief. It only took H about two hours to make the 35 minute trip home from our friends, but maybe he had some other stops that I wasn't aware of, obviously. I was finishing up outside, and he pitched in and helped, chatty enough about critters etc... We came inside, and not a word since. I couldn't figure out the GFI outlet that I bought a replacement for, electricity scares the gajeebers out of me, I felt overwhelmed and just put it back in the box. Later H went back and was rousting around, I assume he installed it, I haven't checked and he hasn't said. Oh wait, some words, he did ask if I wanted any heated up leftovers, I passed. This week is good for the diet if nothing else, appetite isn't much.

I also learned that my (step) dad had another stint put in today. He had heart bypass twice a few years ago, and last week started having some chest pain again. I sure wish that grumpy old wonderful man would let us know ahead of time instead of after the fact. I told my mom that too, but I understood that's how they want it.

HHmmm, H just slugged down some Rolaids again.
He hasn't asked about the white car not being around.

The woman that H loved and married - I am that woman. I am loyal, dependable, responsible, funny, witty, warm, caring, loving, hard working, not hard on the eyes. I am not as independent as I was then, I do think being married makes it easy to be codependent on your spouse, and I got used to joint decisions while I tried to so hard to make H feel like this place was as much his as mine even though I was here first. He said that part would not be or become an issue, but he does throw it at me every once in a while. I'm not whiny, but I am confused and bewildered, which leads to lack of confidence to make decisions and carry on conversations with H. He is the only person that intimidates me to silence. Does H still want now the same type of woman he married? I'm not so sure, maybe more adventure and without so much responsibility holding her back.

Personal goals -
1 -work on major volunteer projects I am behind on, deadlines looming
2 -keep plugging away at house work, reclaim pieces at a time
3 -get horse therapy (ride, ride, ride)
4 -get things going smooth at work again so I can take time off and do 1,2,3
5- regain my confidence in dealing with H and R issues

I would so love some horse therapy....just has a way of clearing the mind. I tried to find someone up here that would be willing to "share" their horse in return for me providing the feed but didn't get any takers.

HHmmm, wish I had some horsey contacts for Becca. You could try the Idaho Horse Council, they may have some contacts for you. It would sure be a good GAL for you and the kids too. Or hang an ad in the tack shops out there, I like this one.... 75 Saddle n Tack Real nice folks.

H did replace the GFI outlet last night. This morning I said thanks, he said your welcome. I added that I wished I could have watched and learned from him.

More cold and snow today.

That's all folks!

Ahhh WCW, I was just over at 75 the other day to see if they were interested in consigning some items into our new feed store!

Aren't they nice? neat little place. I like silk scarves around my neck for warmth, and the nicest one I have is from their store. Yes, H bought it for me. sigh.

And just after I said, that's all folks, I got this email reply from OW - "Yes it is the Christmas season which also means it's the busy busy season. Between parties and meetings and shopping for Christmas I feel like I don't have any time left in my day. Hopefully things will slow down after the Holidays. But isn't that what we say every year? But your right it is the season... Merry Christmas!"

Doesn't sound like an invite to tour her place, but it's great to know she is so busy with everything that at least she doesn't have time left in her day for MY husband. How's that for PMA boost? Yeah right.

And hey! I drove my truck today! wooohooooo! no more little white car!!

You've had so much positive attitude going on lately--what kinds of short-term goals can you make to sustain that? The goals you list are great, but breaking them down may make them more achievable. Keep going!