I phoned up different counselors that were listed under our insurance provider and asked for brief phone interviews. The one who we are currently with is the only one who returned my call and took the time to answer some of my questions over the phone, also she gave me a brief idea of what her counseling style is...which was important to me. My H has had bad counseling experiences in the past and I wanted to make it quite clear we were going to save a M not validate breaking it up.
I highly recommend asking for a brief interview. If a C won't take a few minutes to answer a few reasonable questions then why spend your money on him/her?
Nop.....when growing up and even into my adulthood I had some really great friendships that were male. I found that males were easier to talk to. They gave really good advice. Also they didn't run around and gossip what you had confided in them. Maybe I don't know it could stem from counting on my dad more because my mom worked nights. None of these friendships even turned sexual. It is really hard for me to talk about these libido problems with anyone. Expecially not my female friends. Because there are female friends who we are friends with as a couple. Meaning husband and wives couples we get together with. The other female friends I have I am find I am so embarrassed to talk about this with because they have great sex lives. I feel so out of place and alone sometimes with having this problem. Having a friend I was able to confide this in has been wonderful. I have held so much in. I have loved my husband so much and wanted to work on things. I guess I was hoping a male perspective could help things to give a males point of view. I also couldn't discuss this with family. Oh my gosh my family would laugh or think freak. All the males on my side are very high drive. They would think this is weird. As for secrets I don't hold any secrets. I am always open about what I do or where I go.
I have to admit I'm agreeing with the others that are asking you why you are continuing to see this OM (even if he is just a friend). People will often say things like what your H has...that it's not a problem, or he doesn't mind, or whatever....when they don't want to admit that it IS an issue for them. Many people don't want to appear jealous or insecure, his telling you that it bothers him runs the risk for him of appearing either or both.
Good advice Gel because in the last couple days I have read people post that counselors actually advised them to move on. So I would want to find one that was for marriage.
Gel...I guess I just take people at what they say so highly. I can't understand someone who says the opposite of what they mean. But it makes sense, I guess.
Gel...I guess the answer to that is I was/am so happy to have someone I can confide things to. He became a friend through work when things were really bad this summer. When my husband left. A friendship has just felt really good to have.
What you just wrote is a HUGE danger sign for it potentially becoming more than just friendship.
Here's what you wrote...read it carefully as though someone other than you wrote it.
Quote: I was/am so happy to have someone I can confide things to. He became a friend through work when things were really bad this summer. When my husband left. A friendship has just felt really good to have.
If (and I do say if) you are confiding anything about your M to this man, stop! You remember CSW right, remember his W got involved with someone that started out as a good friend. It just doesn't take much to cross that line.
As for taking people at what they say I have found there's not many of us out there who truly say what we mean, at least not in our intimate R's. My H can't seem to spit things out when something bothers him, so he covers it up with false bravado of "I don't care" or "whatever makes you happy".
I guess we are unique, that we can say what we feel. My husband it so tight lipped. But when he really gets mad he blows. Then you can tell he had been harboring for a long time. That is so unhealthy.
Gel, yeah I have been confiding things. But with this male friend I don't feel anything sexual towards him at all. There are just no sparks no nothing. Not to mention he is 10 years younger. I am just not attracted to much older or younger, either way. I guess there is always potential. I have always thought if anything ever came to down to me wanting an affair I would walk away first. I have been cheated on before and I think it is the worst thing.
I don't know if you recall me talking about my dad and an EA he's having. I still don't believe the woman he's infatuated with has a clue, I truly don't....I believe she views my dad as a father figure (she's my age). But the fact is this as I see it.....you may not be sexually attracted to this man, but you do not know how he feels about YOU. You should not be confiding things about your M to this man.
Put yourself in your H's shoes on this. Your a man who has a W who is now spending time talking with a younger man, that she met while the two of you were separated, and she's telling him things about your M. How would that look to you? How would that make you feel?
If your H were to tell you he doesn't like you seeing/talking to this guy, then that could make him look controlling....so instead he plays indifferent to it.
You seem to keep missing the point. Confiding in another man really has nothing to do with you. I can believe you when you say this is a purely platonic relationship (at least for now). But the important thing is how does your husband feel about it? If he is tight lipped and cannot express his emotions until he blows, then why would you think he is sufficiently in touch with his true feelings to even know what to say?
If he acts jealous, then he is jealous. He may not want to admit it, since he could interpret that as a sign on moral weakness, inferiority, whatever. But he is not being true to himself, and he gives himself away in his actions.
You keep trying to justify your “friendship” in spite of what everyone here is telling you. You say you love him, but do you really love yourself more? Why are you having such a hard time seeing this from his point of view? I think you are being selfish.
There, direct words for a self-proclaimed direct person.
Quote: I am kinda shy about being aggresive sometimes, lol. So hopefully I will not feel that way to question a counselor.
Just bear in mind how much money you will be spending, and that should help you overcome your shyness.
Regarding friendships: I believe men and women can be just friends, if they are really careful to keep good solid boundaries. This is what I mean about how affairs don't "just happen." People stick their toes over the line, and then they move the line and stick their toes over the new line... and soon they are in a motel somewhere and whining, "but I don't know how it happened." Each of those actions was a choice. The way to avoid the affair is never to take the first tiny step.
Some would say the only way to avoid the A is never to have friends of the opposite sex, but I don't think it has to go that far. However, it does mean drawing a line that says, "I will not say or do anything with this other person that I would not say or do if my spouse were sitting right here beside me." People can make these boundaries and they can keep to them. You can play tennis with someone for years, belong to a book club, discuss your work, do stuff with your kids-- all of this with the opposite sex, BUT you must be aware of any change in the climate, any feelers put out by the other person, and signal that you might get. If that happens, you must put a stop to it immediately. I don't mean you call the cops-- I mean you make it clear you will not go there, usually by pointedly ignoring at least the first overture, and dropping the friendship if it doesn't stop. You cannot be naive and pretend you're not noticing.
That this guy will even sit and listen to you talk about your intimate life is a huge red flag. The first time he brought it up, your alarm bells should have gone off, and you should have made it clear you don't discuss that stuff with people. Then you could go on being friends. If he would not honor the boundary, then you probably would need to back way off.
I've been in the situation where I broke up with a guy and stayed friends (not often-- usually I'm Ms. OuttaHere), an later in a new R. The first guy might ask, How are things with you and NewGuy? That's a question I won't answer beyond a generic, fine, busy, his kids keep us running, etc. If he asks again, I will back way off, even not return phone calls and emails. You can control this.
I totally agree with the others that confiding stuff about the intimate relationship between your and your H to this man is absolutely wrong. Even though he's younger (BTW what does that have to do with it?) and you feel no sparks, I agree that this borders on betrayal and infidelity.
How would you feel if your H confided in another woman about your problems?
I have loved my husband so much and wanted to work on things. I guess I was hoping a male perspective could help things to give a males point of view. I also couldn't discuss this with family. Oh my gosh my family would laugh or think freak. All the males on my side are very high drive. They would think this is weird.
My husband it so tight lipped. But when he really gets mad he blows. Then you can tell he had been harboring for a long time. That is so unhealthy.
I am just not attracted to much older or younger, either way. I guess there is always potential. I have always thought if anything ever came to down to me wanting an affair I would walk away first. I have been cheated on before and I think it is the worst thing. 