Yuck! Yeah, as I read back what you quoted from me, it sounded very "not right". I am not by nature a "controlling" person - I certainly was *not* so in the context of our marriage (quite the opposite); in fact, I was so determined to be "reasonable" that I even cooperated fully in attaining our 'uncontested' divorce (because it was what she wanted).
That said, I am going to have to give your points more thought and post again later on or tomorrow. I'm going to look closer at this "controlling" issue; I will not dismiss it out of hand...
I guess it would be 'controlling' if I were to exert pressure in trying to steer her in that direction. But my intention is more to express these opinions - when asked - and to lead by example. Is offering a positive example 'controlling'? It certainly is 'manipulative', but hopefully in the best way...
All I know is that I intend to devote the next 7+ years to my kids; I wouldn't feel right going about this any other way. To the extent that she does otherwise over these years, the difference will become obvious to my kids (if it hasn't already, as my second post in this thread indicated). I'm not trying to make her look bad in their eyes, and believe me, that’s the last thing I want; I’m quite protective of their image of their mother. But I’m concerned that this will be the natural consequence and I'm not sure what to do about it, you know?
Once upon a time – decades ago – she had an admitted tendency to live "on the edge" (as she called it). Risky behaviors (usually sexual) that gave her an adrenaline rush, I guess. She swore to me more recently that such risk-taking was only a part of her past now, that a woman with children had greater responsibilities. But the "webcam incident" proved otherwise, and when it was brought to her attention, I think it surprised her how much risk she’d allowed herself to assume…
She’s a good woman and a good mom, but this is a bad scene she’s gotten herself into, part addiction and part mind control (and I have firsthand experience dealing with victims of each). No, I don’t feel an intervention or a deprogramming is in order, but is there *nothing* I can do to stop the train wreck I see coming between my XW and my kids? This is what I meant by "giving up". I guess what I fear is that she’ll come back to me when that happens and say, "You said you loved me. Why didn’t you stop me?" All I’ll be able to answer then is, "I tried." Will that be good enough? For *anyone*?
I don’t know… please tell me honestly… is all that 'controlling'?
