Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Sara trys to figure things out

To set your mind at ease, NM, no he is not looking at anything that would be deemed illegal. But certainly things that I find objectionable.

To tell you guys the truth I am a little uncomfortable talking about H on this board in this way. I know it is probably healthy for me to have somewhere to vent, but it feels disrespectful to tell his/our secrets. Something I would never do IRL.

...and as far as him not doing things, well now that I think about it, long ago I kind of quit expecting him to do things for me really. How sad is that? For instance, he is a darn good mechanic, but my oil seldom gets changed unless I take it somewhere. He is a heck of a handyman, but there is a piece of siding that blew off our house last Easter and it still has not been replaced. Oh my I could go on and on....

Last night I was really sick, so I went to bed as soon as I got home from work. Now this is something that never ever happens. He came upstairs to see me when he got home and said not to worry about anything. Which was nice, but he did not take care of anything that I would have if I was up. He did not fix any real dinner (S10 had a bowl of cereal, S11 had a lunch meat sandwich, that they fixed themselves). Never once did H come ask me if I needed a drink or anything.

He could have done the dishes, or picked up a little. He didn't even get the coffee pot set up for this morning.

Then I got up this morning and was moving slow, so I called my boss to say I would be a little late. H saw this as an opportunity for him to go to work early and me to take the boys to school. Making me that much later.

I know that I need to be able to bring these things up in a way as not to antagonize, but I just don't know how. When I try, H takes it all wrong.

Ugh, please forgive my ramblings, I think I am still in a Nyquil induced fog.

Ugh! See now I feel bad, just when I come here and gripe about H, he calls and says he will take S10 to hockey practice tonight so I can stay home and get to feeling better.

I think it is time for me to admit that I am married to a man that has no love or respect for me. I honestly think he is here only because he is too afraid to leave and deal with the consequences.

Truth be known he has little or no interest in any relationship that requires something from him. Not even with our boys.

I called him at work this morning to give him some happy news. I was being playful and he was very short with me. It hurt my feelings and I could not hide that my voice was cracking, I tried to hurry and get off the phone. I quickly said good bye and before I could even hang up he slammed his phone down.

He has not called or emailed me. I am sure he is thinking why do I have to put up with this emotional woman. I have the feeling that tonight is going to be some big blow up, that or he will come home and act as if nothing at all happened. I don't know which would be worse.

...and all this because I got a nice big surprise bonus at work today.

Maybe he's having a crappy day at work. Don't let HIS mood affect you.

The same thing literally just happened to me...I emailed SO thanking him for something he did - I got a curt response back "I'm having a BAD day - I'll talk to you later." So, I texted him back "sorry about your bad day, anything I can do to make it better?". I'm not going to let his problem affect me today, it will only make both of us miserable.

Congratulations on your bonus! Now, go buy yourself something nice with it.

You're right NM and thanks.

Now to let you know that I am an idiot. He just called to apologise. I was stressing but would not allow myself to call him back or email him and I am so glad I didn't! This is somewhat of a 180 for me.

Thanks, for the congrats. I honestly would not have any idea what to buy myself. I am pathetic that way. This will pay for Christmas though so I am really excited!

For years, I used to do the same thing - spend my bonus on everyone but myself. Then, there was a printer that I really, really wanted. Well, when I got my bonus, cash of course, I was sooooo tempted to blow it on bills, gifts for my SO or daughter (only had the one at the time) - when I thought to myself - "If my boss had known that I wanted the printer and bought me the printer instead of giving me the cash, then I'd have my printer!" So, I took the money and bought my printer. And felt NO GUILT WHATSOEVER! It was MY money - I earned it. It wasn't expected - we weren't counting on that money for bills or anything. Had my boss given me a fruitcake or a gift certificate to a store, I wouldn't have had the choice to get something for myself. The cash let me choose what I wanted.

How about a new haircut / color/ perm? Lingerie? Don't know how much $ it is - enough for a weekend getaway with your H? Digital Camera? Earrings?

If you're worried about feeling guilty about spending it on yourself, then how about taking half for yourself and half for whatever?

And, BTW, you're not an idiot. Your H acted like an ass there for a minute. Glad to hear he apologized. Can you follow his apology up with some kind of "thanks for the apology" email or something silly. Something that would let him know you appreciated his apology - hopefully opening the doorway for future apologies (should they be necessary, lol) ??? I know it's sometimes hard for me to apologize, and when I'm thanked for it, it makes me feel better and makes it easier to do in the future.

Wow Sara, how cool is that! He called to apologize to you. That wasn't just an apology, that means he was thinking about that conversation and how he made you feel, and didn't let it go away until he made it right. That's a BIG deal.

Like a puppy wagging a tail, I'm waiting to find out what you bought for yourself!

It was a big deal and by my 180 of not calling him, he 180'd and called me to apologize! I am still marveling at that.

I went to the mall on my lunch hour with the thought of getting a few new things to wear. Have you guys been shopping lately? OMG everything is so ugly! Unless you want to dress like a 16 yo hoochy or an 80 yo Grandma there is not much to choose from. So that was disappointing. But I have decided this bonus is going to buy me a little something. I will do the responsible thing with most of it (like I always do) but as soon as I figure out something that I really want I am not going to tell myself no. Now I just have to figure out something I want. ideas welcome.....

NM I did thank him, but not "overly". I think that made a difference.

I answered the phone...

H: Are you still mad at me?

Sara: I was not mad at you, my feelings were hurt.

H: Well that is why I called to apologize.

Sara: Thank you for doing that.

and then I changed the subject. Everything has been pretty positive since then.

We have a really busy weekend ahead of us so we will see how things go.

Thank you guys for checking in with me. I will try to read up on your stich's now as well. I don't normally have time to be on the computer in the evening.

Hi Sara - Just wondering how your busy weekend turned out.

Slowly