Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Sara trys to figure things out

Thanks for asking slowly.

It was a decent weekend, but kind of frustrating. I feel like we didn't even have a weekend. Both mornings we had to be up and out early to have our S10 at his hockey games. Sundays game was 2 hours away and the weather was pretty bad, we left our house at 4:30 am.

I was a little perturbed (but of course never showed it) that once we got home both days H seemed to only be interested in sitting at the computer or in front of the TV. We were all tired, but the normal stuff (laundry, cooking, cleaning) still had to be done. I just decided I was not going to stress it. I would get done what I could and then what didn't get done, wouldn't get done.

One positive was that H volunteered to go to the grocery store with me. Grocery shopping is a job we both hate, but it makes it less of a dreaded chore if he goes too.

My goals for this week are:

1) Haul the ladder in the family room and clean the ceiling fan (it hangs from a 20' ceiling and I have no idea how I am supposed to clean the darn thing!)

2) Get the Christmas decorations out and prepare to decorate this weekend.

3) Find some time to bake something (that should put me in the spirit, right?)

We had another pretty good weekend. I have figured out something about my H. He gets really grouchy when he doesn't have enough "relaxing" time at home. But I normally take how he acts as something is wrong between he and I, when that is not really the case. So, since we are so very busy at this time of year, I will make a concious effort to be even more upbeat and do things to take more stress off him when I sense him getting like this.

Only thing is who is gonna take some stress off me?

I am going to put a more personal update here, so if you are easily offended stop reading now.

Sat am H showed interest while I was rushing to get dressed and get S10 out the door. I told him to "hold that thought".

Later I came home and asked him if he wanted to sneak upstairs, he said yes....

So while we were rolling around on the bed, playing, he asked me what I wanted to do and I took a chance and said " I want to make love". I was not sure if he would stop or what he would say if anything. What he did was continue and it was really nice. I was hoping for an ILY. I didn't get that, but that's okay. Baby steps right?

Last night I had a small jolt back to reality... I came downstairs and it seemed like he closed out of what ever he was looking at on the computer. So who knows... I ignored it and sat down to watch TV with him.

...any thoughts?

Sounds like major steps forward

I normally take how he acts as something is wrong between he and I, when that is not really the case.

lol. This takes me back to when I was in the 'lightbulb' moment too, yeah, our H's worlds do no revlve around us, unfortunately Seriously, this is an important enlightenment. Sometimes by feeding off their bad moods we make things worse, when in fact the best thing is to chill, do upbeat stuff for ourselves, and soon their cloud will lift too. It certainly seems to be that way around our place.

I was hoping for an ILY. I didn't get that, but that's okay. Baby steps right?

Gosh - seems like something more than baby step here. He held that thought? Holy moly. Whatever you were doing, you need to do more of

came downstairs and it seemed like he closed out of what ever he was looking at on the computer. So who knows... I ignored it and sat down to watch TV with him.

Best response - act as if nothing untoward is going on, but continue to observe, I say. It seems to take them simply months to wean off an affair. Sigh.


Fabulous dbing, Sara Slowly

Thank you slowly. I really do appreciate your input.

I am really pleased with myself about not reacting to him being grouchy. I am amazed how long it took me to figure that out! "A light bulb moment", I like that.

This DBing can really be exhausting and any encouragement is a big help. Thank you

Baby steps, Sara.

Quote:

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Only thing is who is gonna take some stress off me?

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Amen to that!!!! If you get an answer, let me know!

Seriously, this stuff takes time, right? Work on one issue at a time. Slowly, slowly, slowly. You've gained some awareness with your "lightbulb" moment. Now use it to your benefit and advantage.

Want to know what I'd do if he was sitting at the computer? Well, the kids would have to be in bed for my plan to work, lol. I'd make sure he had a good reason to step away from the computer!

Yeah, I'm bad. LOL

Hi Sara,

First of all, I want to thank you for stopping by and posting. It's always nice to have people offer advice and support.

I just finished reading through most of your threads and I do think I have a bit of advice for you. I'll ask for forgiveness in advance, because it might come off a bit harsh and that is not my attention.

OK, here goes:

I think your marriage is generally "Stable to Good", except for the fact that you don't want to admit it. From the tone of your threads, your H sounds generally happy, if in a bit of a routine. And from reading through your posts, your H's primary love language from the "5LL" books is obviously Quality Time. (ie - he wants to do everything with you, including the mundane stuff like football practices, etc...) However, your primary love language is Acts of Service. (ie - you were thrilled when he started to take care of you when you were sick, yet disappointed when he didn't do dinner the way you wanted or change your oil, etc...)

With that knowledge, you can do a lot of good. For starters, you need to learn to not seem "upset" or uncomfortable giving him what he needs. Whether you mean it or not, if you seem disappointed when he asks you things (ie - like you can't get to the gym because he wants to spend some time with you doing something else) that comes across badly for him.

And on the other hand, since he loves spending time with you, that's what he's trying to do for you to show you he loves you when all you want is the dishes done. If you understand that he's trying to show you he loves you by wanting to spend that time with you, then maybe your roof shingle isn't all that big of a deal anymore...

Then to top it off, you are too afraid to TALK about any of this with him. You just keep internalizing all of this, and as long as you do that NOTHING is going to get better. You have an amazing groundwork here, your situation is the envy of 99% of us on these boards. But to get over the peak, you need to TALK to him. Let him know what you NEED from him. And be willing to learn to offer and accept what he wants from you.

And this doesn't need to be hard. You don't need to walk up to him and say "I want to talk about what's wrong with our marriage." That's going to put anyone on the defensive. Instead I would suggest that you get somewhere private and start off with "I just wanted to let you know how happy I am with how far we have come in the past year. And I want to continue to improve our marriage even more." Then start with him... "Is there anything you think I am doing wrong, or you would like for me to be doing differently?" Then let him talk. After that, then pick one or two things to speak with him about - don't do them all. I might suggest "It would really mean a lot for me to hear "I love you" from you when you hug me once in a while. And then maybe mention one act of service thing you would like for him to do. Then end the conversation. Take those changes and make them babysteps. And go from there...

It won't solve everything, but if it points you in a better direction, the next time you talk and want to add things to the list it will be a lot easier to do.

Finally, again I apologize for sounding harsh, but right now the only thing I see holding your sitch back is YOU and your fear of his answers. But in a wierd way, that's a WONDERFUL problem to have, because it's you that can fix it!!!

((((hugs!)))

Thank you so much for stopping by RNC. I really truly appreciate your input. You are right on about me being frightened to talk to him about certain things and now that I see it written, that doesn't look like such a hard thing to do.

I think you may be right about his LL being quality time. I have always thought mine was Words of Affirmation. I long to hear anything that would suggest he is proud of me or appreciative of me in some way, and I have asked flat out for those things, but I do not get them.

Sometimes I do think I may be in the wrong place here at DB, but the fact remains that my H has three times in the past 17 years blind sided me with wanting to end our marriage when I thought things were going ok. This last time he carried on an EA with a total stranger while he was 5000 miles from home.

I am trying like everyone else here to figure out what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again.

I am going to take some time to digest what you have said. I really want to stress how much I appreciate your input. I can take harsh.

Sometimes I do think I may be in the wrong place here at DB, but the fact remains that my H has three times in the past 17 years blind sided me with wanting to end our marriage when I thought things were going ok. This last time he carried on an EA with a total stranger while he was 5000 miles from home.

Again I can't be sure, but the way your sitch sounds, I flat out don't believe he meant it any time he said it. It much more sounds like to me a case of "fighting dirty" in a big fight. His ultimate trump card so to speak. A way of getting to "win" when he was in the middle of a fight he didn't want to be a part of and saw no other way out...

I honestly do not think he meant it when he said either, but he did say it and that means something was and is wrong. I say is because nothing has really been resolved to asure it not happening again. Well except for what I have been doing since discovering DB and him promising to tell me if he became unhappy again.

It was never said during a fight though. We do not and have never really fought at all. Probably one of our big problems right there, huh?

Looking back I can see that his MO each time before dropping the bomb is to become very withdrawn and antagonistic. Always when I asked if anything was wrong he said no.

I do not want it to seem like I am rubutting everything you say, because I do want your input. I know something is wrong with me that makes my H do this and I want to figure out what it is and fix it.

I am just trying to give more information.