Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What do I make of this???

Falcon, That is my biggest fear to keep holding on...I love her, she knows that. Why does she ask me whther I do and when I ask her if it really matters she says yes; but then it seems like she cares for this guy knows it is wrong which makes her say "I am not who people think I am"???? What the hell...I wish there was something I could do to see what I am supposed to do...

I am trying to be her "friend" to; but yes it is hard and yes I have alterior motives. All I want is for her to get rid of this guy; but I can't do anything about it....It's like she feels this guilt about it; but still takes his calls...Tells me it matters to her how I feel; but then can't tell me who she likes and is lost...So sad...Can't even tell her family...What happens if she cooses him what does she think will happen??? and what about our kids???

Also, why is she getting along now??? a month ago she wouldn't deal with me...It's like she is reaching out for help and assurance; but not asking anything...

I know it sucks man, she is confused and has really no idea what the hell she is doing. All I can say is be her friend and hope for the best because one day this will all crash down on her and hit her like a ton of bricks.

Either you will be there for her or you will have moved on. Its up to you what you want to do. You cant help her, I have found that out hte hard way, its has to come from inside her. It may take months or years or weeks who knows. Just watch your heart, just like I am. My wife called me lastnight very sad, and we talked but I know this moring she will be back to her old self again and yep she was. I try not to read anything into what she says anymore. Her actions will tell me if she ever wants to get back with me, not her words.

You cant trust anythign they say right now. Sad but true, even tho my wife has been very honest with me I still dont trust her as far as I can throw her.

THanks I agree with what you say, I guess it is hard not to chase after or compete against this guy or whatever she is feeling...I know she knows I care; but I can't fix it for her and am afraid to hold on or move on...Either way it hurts.

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she is confused and has really no idea what the hell she is doing. All I can say is be her friend and hope for the best because one day this will all crash down on her and hit her like a ton of bricks.

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Maybe, maybe not. It might come crashing how she's happy she did this...that it was the perfect thing for her.

I wanted to comment on a few things. First, if it helps any, your W/XW thinks that she was right, just like you do. We all do what we think is right (for the most part). So there is probably no sense in being angry about how she appears to have thrown a perfectly good life away. From her perspective she did the right thing.

Secondly, this is way to focused on what she's doing, thinking, and when she is going to "wake up". She'd actually be upset with you if you implied she wasn't awake. You can say absolutely nothing to change her mind, convince her of your merits, or make her "wake up". The only thing you can control is yourself. Life goes on without her, try to enjoy it. If you are comfortable with a life that doesn't include her, your self-reliance will appear more attractive. Quit worrying about this other man and about how she's screwing up. Make yourself the best you can be. The guy cheating with your XW isn't fit to polish your shoes.

As for the interactions you have with your XW, don't read a ton into it. I hung out all the time with my WAW (now XW)-movies, dinner, hanging at the house-and it didn't result in anything really. I felt I was busting a divorce, but really I was reading things that weren't there. You can take "looking for babysteps" to far. Just be yourself. You don't want someone that doesn't love you as you are, do you?

Hopefully that didn't sound too pessimistic or negative. I think if you focus on yourself you have a reasonable chance. But you need to look out for your own needs and detach from her problems. If she comes back it will only be through her own initiative. If you've successfully made the most of yourself then you can decide if she's really a positive addition to your life or will just make you less than you could be. Just MHO

Just_Me, I agree wit hall you say. The hard parts are that I want to be there with her and know I can't push...I try and ocupy my life and time with things; but I have 10 yrs of being with my kids, etc. Now that is gone...I am afraid to show her a side that is needy...I also seem to have no luck in getting out and meeting women. All I want from them or her is a date and hopefully, something clicks and you go from there; but for the past year nothing.

Also,WHy a month ago was she so angry and adamant at me to not deal with each other and now she iw willing??? I can't take this confusion; but will not walk away just in case.

Tman,

The see-saw that you described will likely recur a dozen times if you continue to see her. First she'll like you near then want nothing to do with you then back again to liking you. I think what is most important is keeping yourself level. No matter what mood she is in you need to be happy, confident, put-together, and let her be back and forth. Focusing on how you conduct yourself and not on how she's behaving, thinking, or saying will allow you to stay balanced.
Tman, we have all passed the point of playing games. Honestly, I think it will take more than subtle signs on her part to get you back. She's got the obligation to open her mouth and say some words that indicate a wish to try again. Anything else is just the usual WAW gobbledigook.

Think of your XW as a woman that is completely unobtainable (you know, like a much younger woman, a woman already dating someone, a coworker). The most you likely would do in that scenario is talk, potentially flirt a bit. But once you introduced yourself and showed the person you are, the onus of forming a relationship is entirely up to her. You have to see a major sign before picking up the ball. That's where you are at...live your own life the best way you know how. She knows you well enough to be less than subtle if she wants you.

I know my wife is only happy when she is out haivng a good time. When that is over and who knows when that will happen, im sure it will hit her about what she has done. Will it help me at all? who knows.

Today she invited me over to see my daughter, something she has not done in 2 months. But I know it means nothing. She may be lonley but its a chance to see my daughter so ill go over tonight. This happend about 4 months ago to, I ended up moving back in after 2 weeks of going over at night. Then she started her affair back up and that was the end of that.

To be honest, the seperation was the right thing. That part of this she was 100% right, it woke my butt up for sure. It the affair with a married man and the other guys she has seen that I know will come back and bite her in the butt, it has more then once already.