I think it's great that you are there for her but maybe if you wern't always available then maybe she would realize what and how much you do for her and I have to give you credit b/c if I had to something for H and the woman that tore my family apart I couldn't promise that it would be nice for her . anyway I think you are a great person for all that you have done. I hope H and I can be friends after the D is final I think that will be in May joa.
Thanks for your kind comments. I realized my part in our breakup and worked on me a year ago. I read DB and hoped that things would go well; but then they didn't. About 2 months ago, things seemed to turn; but that is when I found out about OM...I had never stopped DBing...I just let go of hope; but then she brought it back to me only to make me feel like I am to be crushed again. I am scared. I don't want to walk away; but I am unsure whether I should keep trying. There is a part of me that says it will never get fixed and another that still feels there is hope????
I just wish I could see what the right thing to do is. I feel alot of pain today and would hate to walk away only to find that I should have kept trying. Beyond everything else, I miss my kids daily...Today I got to steal a moment with my son on AOL IM!!! How sad is that? I miss them so much and I miss that she and I can't get back to where we were...I fell like there is noone out there who can ease the pain I am feeling. I know someday I wil probably look back and laugh that I ever got this way; but for now this is reality and it hurts
Will she ever come back to wanting an us???? I hope so; but I feel today like I have used up all my energy and I have none to do what I need to do. I feel like I need to ask her if we will ever work on this; because I am emotionally drained; but I know that if there is ever any chance, that a conversation like that would only push her away right now!!! I am too scared to let go...I just keep floundering...I know I have to ain strength from somewhere; but I feel like I am sinking into a depression that I never have felt before. This sucks...I really thought there was hope for us and maybe there is and I am just not being patient enough; I don't know; but I can't endure much more of this....maybe I am just weak??? Sorry for the pity party; but I couldn't hold these feelings in...Just a bad day that I hope gets better. I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her and can't....I feel like one day, I will have moved on and she will come back and it will hurt to not be able to fix it. THis happened to an aunt of mine many years ago. She broke her X husbands heart and was with another guy. when she wanted back it was too late
I think you are exactly correct. You are afraid to let go of her. You are afraid to lovingly detach.
Until you can detach, your world will continue to be dominated by your
EX-wife's feelings
EX-wife's emotions
EX-wife's boyfriends
EX-wife's car problems
EX-wife's relative's perceptions of you
EX-wife's phonecalls to others
EX-wife's offhand comments
Do you see my point? So much of this DBing stuff is based on DETACHING! You will continue to flounder because you are not detached, instead you are roped to a bucking bronc and you can't figure out why getting bashed around on the end of that rope hurts so much, or why you keep getting dragged through the dirt, or stepped on.
So take responsibility for your own happiness and sanity and cut the rope
Yes, thanks for those words; but I just don't want to walk away from this yet. I am just having a bad day. Every so often I get this. I hate when she goes from one way to another. She acts like I matter and that we may be onto something; but then she pulls back. Hard not to stay attached.
I think you might have misunderstood me. Detaching is not walking away or giving up.
Permit me to take the bucking bronc ride metaphor a bit further:
Although you're not riding the bronc anymore (D has happened), the rope on the bronc is wrapped around your foot (you haven't detached emotionally) and it's dragging you all over the arena, around the barrels, into the wall, etc. You hope the bronc will come to it's senses and quit running around, but in the mean time it's beating you to a pulp emotionally. Of course you feel drained, because you're getting banged and kicked to pieces.
Detaching is cutting the rope. Nothing more, nothing less. You simply release yourself from the rope. You can stay in the arena. If the bronc settles down, you can always approach it again. Or maybe after it realizes it's not dragging you around, it will come over to you to see what's happening. Or maybe it just keeps bucking and never stops.
But detaching is not "giving up".
What I'm saying is to cut the rope, so the bronc's actions aren't wreaking havoc with you on a daily basis.
I guess that is what I am looking for. Her to stop bucking and settle down so that I can talk to her. But I don't know if she ever will. She needs me and then when the dust is settled she pulls back???? SHows indications of caring; but???
You ask what scares me? What scares me is to never be with her again. 22yr history togethere and I guess as much as she has caused us and herself problems, I wasn't innocent in all of this. I guess that I wanted that chance to show her I have worked on me and am the person she fell in love with and even improved. All I wanted was that chance to try. To not get hat chance scares me. I married her for better or worse and I meant it!!!
Well im in the same boat hubby wanted me gone, so me n the kids left well he e mails my mom sayd taht he dont wanna be married to me anymore n that he cant handle the fighting and the games well we have 2 kids ages 3 and 17 months, my 3 yr old is falling apart, well i e mailed him yesterday and he said that hes not sure if he wants to talk to me or be married to me but he still cares and hes undecided if he wants me n the kids back n that he loves the kids with all his heart blah , well i beleive his mom is filling his head up with bs and my friend e mails him back n forth asking him the same ??'s and he told her today that he believes that hes gonna go get the divorce and mail the rest of our stuff hes in oregon and im in ga now, he got outta the army last aug and hes been to iraq and he said that this has been going on since he got back from iraq and he hugged n kissed me goodbye when he took me n the kids to the airport the other day and my friend called him and he was crying but now he wants a divorce, why cant he tell me that??? i told him that i would give him his space and in the e mail he said well u said that u was gonna give me space so chill dont page me call the cell or call me at work, everyone said that they think hes depressed and the war in iraq messed him up and that he needs help but he wont go to counseling cause itll make him more mad and he just dont wanna, he keeps stuff bottled up and he was gonna explode, i love him with all my heart and i need help getting my family back together for the sake of me and my kids and he said that he doubts counseling will work for me casue i offered to go , then i finally talked to him on wed on ou 5 yr anniversary and he said that he wants the divorce n that hes getting an apartment with buddies, then i checked his e mail n he made a acct for tickle.com and he had some chick that he works with as a password, then he took my name off the bank acct, so im helpless, i broke down earlier and i wish he would snap outta it and let us come back casue i cant take much more of this PLEASE HELP SAVE MY MARRIAGE!!!
On top of all the rest, I am unpacking stuff from storage and I come across old pics of happier times and I came across a card taht came with flowers she sent me way back Quote: "Thank you for putting up with me this week.
Love, G"
Sometimes I feel like if she could just step back like I have and see some of these things, that they might make a difference; but I can't push it as right now if there is even a possibility, it will only push her away.
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear or drown my sorrows in alcohol; but I am smart enough to know that doesn't help. I guess I just want some way to dull the pain so that I can give her space and also so that if it doesn't ever work out, that it will hurt less; but I know that isn't how it goes. It's all or nothing!!!
I think that you still being on the end of that rope might be *preventing* her from stepping back to see you.
I understand a long history, mine was 16 years.
Other DB'ers let me know if you think I'm off base when I say this: It will continue to SUCK until you CUT THE ROPE.
See, you're in this pattern. You're playing the bronc's game by the same old rules. She knows you're on the end of that rope. Anytime she wants you, she just yanks the rope!
So change the game. Drop the rope. It changes the dynamics of the relationship. It gives her time and room to think. She can feel the loss a bit more. You can recover and think. She might just be so curious about the change, that she stops bucking and walks up to you.
Yes, don't push her, but by hanging on to the rope, you limit how far away she can get from you. It's the old "if you love something, set it free".
Doesn't Michelle say in her books to evaluate if the techniques are working, and if they don't work, then change something and see what that does. Is holding on to the rope working for you?
I'm not trying to be a nag, but I know that detachment plays a huge part in Michelle's strategies, so I keep harping on it.
. anyway I think you are a great person for all that you have done. I hope H and I can be friends after the D is final I think that will be in May joa. 
