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Heather,

I wish there was *something* I could say or do to help. Please know that I'm still thinking of you and praying for you. You don't deserve to be treated this way!

{{{Heather}}} There's a way and I'm just praying that God will provide it for you.

Sheila

Heather,

I know I don't post to you normally but I lurk from time to time. I worry about you frankly, but this struck me...

Now, how can I say no? He hasn't seen the kids in days and S5 wants on Daddy's shoulders for crying out loud.

Let him carry the bag AND the kid. You did. Statisically speaking, the male is usually larger and stronger. If somebody should take on the extra physical burden then it ought to be him. Hell, I have carried both kids (same age as yours) AND the bag many times. I'm sorry in advance, but what a jerk.

Heather,

Something has to change for the better, and H doesn't look like he'll be making that kind of change.

If you leave and take the kids, he will have the legal right to be with them, as MKM showed here this past summer. (different state, but the laws are similar enough). If he ever again gives you reason to fear for your own safety (or your kids'), you have cause to seek protection.

He's just back after being away so long and things are at this point already? Heather, you know I do not want to advise anyone to give up on their M. I would not advise a woman to take kids away from their father unless the situation were truly bad. Only you can make a decision to do something like that, but I am afraid it may be the best thing for you, the kids, and H. Yes, H. There are no guarantees, but some guys go through tremendous changes and personal growth when the effects of their actions come home to roost. (Look at some of us here.)

Take care of yourself and your kids. Don't let your reactions to his crap lead you to another "not your proudest moment."

You mentioned that you don't feel especially religious, but you appreciate prayers from others. Heather, God hears your prayers whether you were in a church last Sunday, last year, or last century. Give it a shot. What do you have to lose?

Prayers,

K

Heather...my first thought when I read about the bag at the airport thing was just like Al's - "what a jerk". And I guarantee you, anyone watching you struggle with that bag and a baby while he strolled along with only your son on his shoulders thought the same thing. Right there, he is teaching your son how to treat women - in the wrong way! That's the expample he will have growing up. I'm sorry that this is what you are dealing with, and I won't give you any advice either way...just (((heather))).

Hang in there sweetie!
VJ

Your supportive posts were just what I needed to wake up to this morning, thank you!

One last thing about the aiport-H had two carryon bags, both very heavy. He had his laptop bag (which was very heavy also) and his duffel bag. So we were both carrying a heavy bag and a child. I just would have said to S5 "Daddy's got his bags that are too heavy for Mommy to carry, so we need to wait until we get downstairs and then I can put the bags down and you can ride on my shoulders and help me look for my suitcase".

About last night. The short version is my H left me at the freakin mall. With the kids you ask? He!! no, this is my H we're talking about. He doesn't leave the kids remember? (Unless its for weeks at a time to work, but never for just a couple hours or so.... ). If you want to hang in there for the long version, here it is:

Last weekend I left H a voicemail to ask him if he had unpacked S5's black dress pants from our trip to MI and put them somewhere b/c I couldn't find them. I told him that I was going to get their holiday pictures taken for the X-mas cards. He calls me back an hour or so later and says "You're getting their pictures taken?" I said yes. He said "I'd like to *be* there". I said "H, I need to get them done b/c I want them to go out in the X-mas cards, which need to be mailed ASAP". He simply restated "I'd like to *be* there". I asked exactly when he was coming home and he said the following Friday. I said "Fine, I will reschedule the pictures for that weekend and I'll just pay for same day pictures".
So, I scheduled the pictures for 11am on Sunday (being careful to allow enough time for us to be home for his football game at 1pm) and giving us all day Saturday to shop for X-mas and whatever clothes the kids needed for their pics. On the way to the mall H says "So, what about our discussion about a family picture with no holiday touches, just a family pictures in the X-mas card?" I said "We can do a family picture if you want". He mentions that him and S5 need to get their hair cut. I ask if maybe we shouldn't wait until tomorrow to go to the toy store since we have so much to do for the pictures. He says "No way. S5 is really looking forward to going." I say "Ok, but that means they won't get a nap today then." So we spend half our day at Toys R US and then get to the mall and in the parking lot we again discussed the family picture that H and S5 would get matching black turtlenecks and that D2 and I would at least wear matching colors. I warned him that it would not be as easy for me to find clothes as it was going to be for him. We enter the mall, the boys get their hair cut and then H wants to go to KB Toys, I'm not kidding. I was irritated because we JUST spent hours at the toy store, but I went along with it. We finally get to Penney's to try on clothes for the boys and I see a red shirt for D2 and ask H if he likes it. He said "I thought we weren't doing the holiday thing." I said we're not, just b/c it's red doesn't mean we're holiday." We're looking at boys clothes and I say to H that I need to find tights for D2. He says "If we're doing the family picture, do you still need tights for D2?" I say "Yes, b/c after the family picture, I want to change their clothes and get a holiday picture as well." He says "So, you're just going to disregard everything we've talked about and do your own thing anyway?" I said "Before today, I do remember talking about a family picture, but then you were out of town so long and we never discussed it again and last weekend when I said I was getting the kids' pics done you didn't express any disagreement, so I just figured that this is what we were going to do....I don't have a problem with doing both, but it's going to take me longer than just a few minutes to find clothes for us. It just isn't that easy for girls." The kids have to go potty. They want Daddy to take them so he goes to the only bathroom we know about and it says "Women", so I go over and take the kids in. We go back to the boys' sections and H is very rude to me and announces that we are doing our own things tomorrow as far as the pictures go (he also wanted to get a pic of just him and S5, so I'm assuming he meant that I could do the holiday picture and he would do his picture with just S5). Both kids announce that they have to go potty again, poopy this time. SO, I take them back to the potty. When we get out D2 literally takes off running. We lose her. It takes a few minutes to relocate her. When we find her, I tell her she's lost her walking privileges and that now Mommy will carry her. She starts screaming and crying and calling for Daddy (keep in mind she hasn't had a nap and is cranky). We get back to the boys section again and H takes her. He's still looking at clothes and all of a sudden, he throws down the clothes he has and says "That's it, we're leaving." He grabs all of the coats and is still holding D2 and holding S5's hand and starts heading for the escalator, D2 crying very loudly still. H practically falls down the eslcalator with D2 in his arms and S5 holding his hand, no joke. I about had a heart attack and said "H, let me take the coats!" He did not even acknowledge that I was speaking. He walks out of the mall and I am bringing up the rear. We get to the place in between doors to the inside and doors to the outside where H stops to put the coats on the kids. I say "H I have to get D2's tights before we go. Would you like me to help you get them in the truck first?" He says "I don't need any help from *you*" or something like that and throws my coat at my feet. I picked up my coat and said "You're soo mature". Then I went back into the mall and left him there with both kids. I was in the children's dept at Sears when he calls my phone. He says "I'm leaving. If you want a ride, come on." I said "H, it will only take me a few mintues to get these tights, that is the reason we *came* to the mall today". He says "NO, it isn't the reason we came to the mall." I said "I don't know why you're pulling this now, their pictures are at 11am tomorrow, just let me get the tights and we can go." He says "You don't know why I'm pulling this *now*...." I just hung up. I wasn't going to argue in the middle of the store like the maniac I am. Sears doesn't have tights left. Part of me is like "If I don't go back down there, I'm just going to make things worse" The other part of me was like "You know what? I'm calling his bluff, this is crap" That part won. So, I went to Hechts and they too were out of tights. This didn't take too long, as I know where all the childrens' sections are in these stores. I went outside and H was nowhere to be found. I called him and said "I don't see your vehicle" He says "No". I said "You actually left me at the mall" He said "No". I said "Then where are you?" He said "On 64.....you left *yourself* at the mall." We argue a little and he starts telling me that this is the 'old Heather' and three weeks ago this wouldn't have happened b/c I would have been reasonable. Now he says, I'm being irrational and unreasonable. I got pi@@ed and said "NO, I am not being unreasonable, I offered to do both sets of portraits even though it would have been a huge inconvenience at this late hour to find clothes for all of us. YOU are the one being unreasonable and I think the old saying "It's my way or the highway" is pretty fitting for you right now!!" He starts trying to tell me "my mistake" and I just cut him off and said "NO, you want to know YOUR mistake? That you left your wife alone at the freakin MALL, that's YOUR mistake!" And I hung up. I called my brother to come and get me and seriously questioned whether or not I would go home that night. To H's credit, he called me back a little later and said "Ok, I'm calm now. Would you like me to come back and get you?" I said "I really appreciate you calling back to ask, but I've made other plans. My brother is already on his way and we're going to have dinner so I'll see you in a few hours ok?" He said "Whatever" and hung up without saying goodbye.

Thanks for sticking with me, I think that's the jist of what happened, although I'm sure I have some of the dialogue misplaced throughout the day. That's the best my memory would allow!!

Dear Heather,

I am really worried about you. He left you at the mall before he told you he was leaving? This is not right and you do not need to take this kind of behavior. I am SO glad you have family nearby (brother) that can support you. I was wondering how you managed to get home.
I'd like to know how he explained his behavior to your kids...leaving mommy at the mall.

Heather...I don't know what to say, really. That just sucks, plain and simple.

What sticks out to me is that it's a control thing. He's not willing to let you do anything your way, and he takes it to the extent of messing up your plans, then accusing you of not being considerate to his plans. I mean, you wanted a holiday picture of your kids - so what? You were willing to accomodate him, but he was not at all willing to compromise to give you what you wanted.

I think I would have done the same thing about the mall. But watch now for him to start and push your brother away, since your brother knows that H left you at the mall. That kind of man usually likes everyone to think he's perfect. Be careful, Heather, I do worry about you. Your spirit is being squashed here, and it's a fine line between compromising to benefit your family, and simply giving up everything you believe in just to keep the peace.

Thinking of you...
VJ

Hey Heather!

Boy, what a mess huh? I'm so glad your brother moved to town.

I think this incident is going to help you, though, at least short term. He knows he acted like an a$$ and I'll bet he'll be fairly pleasant and somewhat accomodating to you, at least for a time. But more important than that, you established some sort of boundary. In the end, H didn't control you. He ran off, you stayed then went and had dinner with your brother. You weren't just H's victim, waiting for him to come back and rescue you. He made his decision, you made yours and you weren't victimized by it. You've changed the dynamic in your R at least a little bit, at least for a little while.

It would be better, of course, if you could have done the whole thing calmly and neutrally. But that's harder than hell. Sometimes I can do it if I've sort of prepared myself for it. Otherwise...well, it's tough. But the more you can calmly make the point to him that you're Heather, you're a parent just like he is, and you're a full partner in your M, the better off you'll be.

It's nice that your brother was in town to get you, but if he wasn't you still could have taken a cab to your favorite restaurant and then home when you were ready. You're not a victim so don't act like one. And if he would have bitched that you spent money on cabs and dinner then you could point out to him using his own logic that *he* spent money on your cabs and your dinner when he left you at the mall! (Okay, don't do that...it's not helpful even though it's true and would probably make you feel better to say it...I know it made me feel better to type it.)

So congratulations on this first step. I'm sorry the kids sort of got caught in the middle. But they need to see their mother being strong just like H does. The more you stand up for yourself calmly and neutrally the better off you're going to be. If you have to stand up for yourself kicking and screaming that's probably better than the alternative. He'll resist change especially at first, so hang in there. Do what makes you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror.

'Cause you're looking at a pretty great person.

One quick followup:

H certainly has his good points with how he treats your kids. But how much do you think it stressed each of them to leave their mom behind? They didn't know how you were going to get home.

H is not a great dad.

Leaving Mommy at the mall is child abuse. Those kids can grasp the essence of what is going on. Shame on H. I agree with Phase 3. H is not a great dad! He uses his children against their mother. Wow what a champ.