Had an interesting experience tonight. We went out with some people and I got to talking with one of the women in the group... we knew each other slightly before, but tonight we just started talking and really opening up. We talked about some very deep things... I guess you ladies know how sometimes you meet another woman that you instantly feel close to.... it's such a great experience. I don't know if this happens to guys.
Her new H (of less than a year) and my bf are friends through music. She was previously married to a very LD man. She said that before they married they had lots of sex, but it stopped the day they got married. They were married for 18 years and have two children.
I told her that my bf sometimes says when I want that "connected" feeling that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. She said her first H was like that. They went to counseling and he told the C that beyond "happy" and "sad," he just didn't have a lot of different feelings. He was a nice guy in lots of other ways, but she just never felt connected and truly nourished by this R. Eventually she left him and they divorced. It wasn't particularly traumatic for either one... the R was really over. It was time to move on. They are still good friends.
About four months later she met the man who became her second H. He is 45 and had never been married before! Their friendship developed slowly, and they really only got married because of her two kids. She would have been content to stay unmarried. She said she was really afraid to get married again, because of the way the sex had stopped after her first wedding. But, she said, her second H is just the opposite of the first guy. He'd be happy to do it every day. So she feels like she's making up for lost time.
But here's the really interesting part: she says that if they go for more than a couple of days without ML, she starts to get kind of cranky. She finally figured out that she just misses him, misses the connection. I've heard karen say something like this, too, and I guess honey as well. It's like a channel that needs to be open and needs to be communicated across. If they go for several days without ML, it starts to hurt, and she starts to pull back and put up a wall to keep away the hurt. In her first marriage, she just learned to live with that dull hurt until she got numb to it. I had that need to feel physically connected to my bf for the first couple of years, even in spite of his drinking, but since the sex has really stopped, I've gotten numb to the hurt, too. It was so interesting to talk in person with someone about this. Very validating for both of us.
Her H is a recovering alcoholic, and it turns out that she often attended the same alanon meetings that I went to-- this was before we knew each other. Anyway, I thought that was an interesting story of someone's move from a conflicted LD/HD sitch to a normally-functioning AWARE HD/HD sitch.
Hey Lil, you asked on your last thread, now locked, how Viagra worked. Well according to the husband it does not work all the time and in fact it does not help the libido, arousal or desire. Basically all it does is to help once arousal is already there. Hey wishing you well however it goes. I just caught my husband doing porn last night, so as I have told you before, since he is LD/ED this is is preferred method of getting off inspite of having a willing partner.
Hi Dafty, I had a feeling that thread would get locked-- that's why I started this one. I knew that viagra only took care of the physical response, not the desire/arousal part. I guess one of these days we'll get around to trying it.
Lil, I'm glad you had a chance to meet another lady with something in common with you.
That happened to me once and I still treasure that friendship. It was like being an alien transported here to Earth and suddenly having another human rip off her mask and reveal that she, too, is an alien. We were in a book club, there were 4 women total, and it turns out that 2 of us were married to LD men. Sure changed my way of thinking about how common this is.
Glad you met up with her and had your experience validated. It helps a lot, doesn't it.
Glad to hear you found someone you can talk to this about. One of the things that is so frutrating to me is I feel like I am so embarrassed to talk about this. Therefore it is never something I bring up to my friends. They all have these great sex lives and horny men in their lives. I feel like a freak.
Interesting list of things to do to turn on your guy but from personal experience with a LD/ED male I can guarantee a lot of these will not do the trick.
Any suggestive comments or suggestive acts prior to ML, adds to his performance anxiety giving him extra time to worry about it. I have tried some of these and he has let me know that he does not appreciate it.
Like I have said before Lil, it is best to keep the pressure on, probably what works best is HoneyPots's Just Grab It Technique esp. slight stroking in the morning just before he is about to wake up. Do you see? No time to think about it and if he doesn't get aroused oh, well.
Maybe I should just take the advice of the article and tell him today, "honey, I have been thinking about your penis all day?" lol
I would be interested to hear of any other suggestions that may be helpful for a LD/ED male or things that others have tried to turn on their LD male.
Quote: I would be interested to hear of any other suggestions that may be helpful for a LD/ED male or things that others have tried to turn on their LD male.
My husband has had a few problems with ED. He is only 40 and the times have been very few. But what I never took into account is that just those few times could have freaked him out so much that it effected him a great deal. It is the fear now of that happening again. Now add to the mix he knows that I am unhappy with the frequency.
One thing I was thinking about this weekend was that I can't really ever think of a time that I have initiated that he has ever refused to ML. I think for me now it is I want so badly to feel wanted and desired. I want him to pursue me. That is has built up SO darn much resentment in me. I want a chance to feel like a woman again. Instead of feeling like the man and woman of the relationship. I know my resentment is not helping this marriage at all. In fact it is tearing us apart. It is something I am striving daily on. it takes a big person to do this I think. Because it sure is hard when I know he has faults he has to work on himself. But yet it feels I am doing all the work. So instead of focusing on all the negatives I try to look for even the smallest positive. Like Saturday for instance I came home from work and my husband was willing to get up from watching his football game and cook me something.
But my husband to me is very LD. So Saturday night we got into bed and I reachjed over and just started caressing him. It did lead to us ML. You could tell instantly it helped us to create a different kind of bond. A much closer and loving bond. There was lots of kisses yesterday and just helping each other out around the house. We even snuggled for awhile.
Dafty, I'm going to repeat that link with its title-- some of the other women on the board might want to read it when they see what the title of the article is: How to Turn on a Sexually Indifferent Husband. The article is written by a man and this is the way it starts out
Quote: It is becoming increasingly common to hear of women who want sex more often than their husband. In part this is the result of a greater willingness to speak up about the problem, but given the growing number of couples where one feels sexually starved by the other, it is a problem which is actually affecting more and more women.
The reasons for this lack of male sex drive are many, and a check list of sorts can be found at our Lack of Desire* article. The purpose of this article is to give frustrated wives some practical ideas that may help them increase their husband's interest in have sex with them. If your husband is afraid that his sex drive makes him a monster, suffers from sexual guilt, or is concerned you don't really want or enjoy sex, these suggestions should either get him past his hang up, or create a crisis that will bring the hang-up to light. If you husband is suffering from a low sex drive, or is just too busy, these ideas may be very effective. If these ideas don't help, you have a serious problem, and it's probably time to seek help.
Because men have a wide variety of likes and dislikes, and a wide variety of sexual baggage, you will have to pick and choose from the things suggested here. But don't assume you know what he will like, and don't assume his first reaction to something reveals his true feelings. If you want to precipitate a change you're going to have to be bold and take some risks.
The male brain is wired a certain way when it comes to sex, and regardless of how strong or weak a man's drive is his basic sexual wiring is the same. In a nut shell men like to see sex organs (breasts and genitals), like to see those organs doing something, and men like variety. The idea here is for a woman to learn how to use these things to arouse her husband.
Before we start, you need to ditch any worries you have about not looking good, or being able to visually arouse your husband. First realize that most women are far more attractive than they think. Second realize that most men are not really concerned with the things women think they are concerned with. The looks of the average centerfold or porn star are icing on a cardboard cake. If you are going to look at a two dimensional image of something you can't have, you care about every little detail; but when you are having real sex with a real woman those things are not important. And third realize that men are practical, the wife you have is better than the woman you don't have. To be blunt ladies, it's not what you've got, it's how you display and use what you've got. A woman who is way over weight, flat as a board, or otherwise not up to some worldly standard of sexy, can still drive her husband crazy with lust (it's okay for him to lust for you) if she knows how to do it. Your biggest block to making this work is worrying about looking or acting silly. You have nothing to lose, so abandon shame and embarrassment and get out there and turn your man on!
Don't wait till you want sex to start turning him on. For men arousal is a building experience. Get a man turned on then walk away, and his conscious awareness of his arousal will fade, but his body and his mind have been primed. Then the next time he is aroused the response will be faster and stronger. Nudity, hints of nudity, and making him think about your sexuality are all good ways to prime the pump before you get him to bed. Here are some ideas to get you started - I've listed a good many, hopefully it will help you understand the mind set behind these things:
Continued...
I don't know whether anyone will find his suggestions helpful. When my bf and I were first together, I did stuff like that and it just seemed to put him off. (But I'll bet the guys on the board will enjoy reading the list. )
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* I think Mrs. NOP quoted the text at the Lack of Desire link in another thread.
It did lead to us ML. 
You could tell instantly it helped us to create a different kind of bond. A much closer and loving bond. There was lots of kisses yesterday and just helping each other out around the house. We even snuggled for awhile. 
)
