How did she get from the couch to the bed later that night?
Why didn't you just leave the room?
Consider that some of the changes that need to be made in you, may include changes in your responses to her.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
being non reactive is very attractive. Very It may attractive as the HD (me) but not when the LD ( my H) does it. When he is non-reactive to me, I'm annoyed/hurt/depressed. Thankfully, he has not been like this lately but the long history of it is so painful and close to my heart. I guess you are saying if S is non-reactive to me, Snook, whoever, we should not act like we are offended etc. ??? Ok, but that doesn't change the fact that we ARE having those feelings. It hurts to be rejected. Period. And it does major damage to the R/M. Why don't LD's see this???!!!!
the playfullness, joking inuendos are all fun and great for lightening the mood while keeping the topic of sex menatally present. However I think that there is a threshold that is too much or over the top. Which would have a negative effect at the present time. I agree with this Snook. Not only for your W (she may be drained by the constant sexual innuendos) but also for you, me, any HD. I find that when H did this in the past with no follow through it was teasing, and quite frustrating really. All talk no action. BUT, I will say that it is "healthier" for the R to have the sexual banter than none at all. We eventually got to the place where the banter, the hugs, the handholding, the spooning, all that fun stuff was gone. That's the true danger zone, total lack of any connection whatsoever.
Quote: ----------------------------------------- Why don't LD's see this -----------------------------------------
Because many higher drive spouses don't tell their lower drive spouses. Not telling increases the damage. Ignorance is not bliss. Non-confrontationalism (conflict avoidance) is not the way to approach a situation that is already likely volatile. It may seem counterintuitive, but confrontation, while it may increase tensions, will likely do so only temporarily. Ignoring the problem on the other hand, is paramount to slow certain death of the relationship.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
LFL, your misapplying my statement to snook to you. I said nonreactive---- not nonresponsive
rejection only hurts when it strikes a insecurity. my next comment applies to both of you.
Snook you asked
Quote: I'm still having a hard time with this one.
Quote:
When the opposite gender spouse is not 'filling there role' often times the role is tried to be filled by the wrong spouse, in a effort to demonstrate what they would like to receive.
I try to bite off to big a concept in one sentence it seems. solly snook.
When our spouse is not behaiving, in our idea, of the way they should be, we tend to try to take up the slack. IE, LFL* tried to be aggressive and lead her H to ML. He did not respond of course because this in not his idea of a womans appropriate behaivior.
Chrissys H is very insecure and emotional, so she is not. there flipping roles and it screws things up.
When you stop acting like you want your W to, supplication, placating, reassuring, you can rebalance the T to allow her to be those things. She doesnt like them in you so she acts how you dont want, but she wants you too. non reactive, mysterious, unpredictable.
ok finally it has happened and it can be addressed.
thank you snook.
Quote: Both you (NOP) and Honeypot have mentioned that the tentativeness of mine hasn't worked. And Blackfoot too, but his approach is different than your (NOP's) suggestion.
.......I'll keep up with more direct adult humour and weigh the results. If null, then it's "Sledge-O-Matic" time.
These are not this or that suggestions. they go hand in hand. They are both assertive and leading. One is non logical, gets a womans emotionality 'sparked' and is important for men to learn IMO as part of being an attractive man. Most men think she looks hot I want her. If I look hot she will want me. or worse, I am a nice guy cause I work hard, dont treat her bad, and mow the lawn. she should have sex with me.
WRONG!
A woman thinks 'he makes he feel something, what is that'. or 'I like being with him he makes me laugh and I feel good around him. He 'understands' me'.
whatever that means.....
Nops suggestion are the correct necessary way for her to come to understand this is how it is, a logical acceptance and understanding, and a long- term solution for true harmony. Mine is to intersperse it with fun, and make it easier to get there. Mine causes a reaction, every man wants to be able to 'make' his wife 'want him'. Nops causes her to realize this is a choice and removes the uncertainty of reactivity.
they are synergistic, not exclusive.
Both take a certain amount of courage,(creating confidance) and a detachment from what the outcome may be. You cannot fear killing the R and let that cause you to avoid.
Fear will kill the R. avoidance makes women go 'blech' passionate drives may cause clash, but also cause respect.
Just had another analogy thought.
Car salesmen say why you want there car and how great it is. the are aggresive, and point out the good. they lead you.
beggers plead, or look for pity stand and wait.
you give one tens of thousands of dollars, the other you give change.
Who really needs, and who really gets. Which one makes you feel good, and which one makes you feel guilty.
Hmmmm. (yes I know there is no consumable exchange in one. Work with me here)
----------------------------- * LFL thank you for being a handy reference and tough enough to handle it. I appreciate it. Ill pick on someone else next time.
I guess that it goes hand in hand. Being as early riser (up by 5), my mind is usually at its sharpest. I had a lightbulb moment this morning. I must not have been dreaming (visions of sugarplums) but processing all the information I've received here lately. Here's my waking thought/message.
"Nice guy's finish last".
Not in a mean or arrogant way, but that too much nice guy supplication and placating stuff is getting me nowhere fast... It's not confident nor attractive. It was a mantra that I had adopted many years ago after my first M fell apart. As I started to move forward and began to GAL. It worked for me then. It will work for me now.
NOP, you asked.
Quote: How did she get from the couch to the bed later that night?[
I'm not sure exactly, but it was probably along the lines of later in the evening after she'd fallen asleeep and I finished watching the program that was on. I tapped her on the shoulder, told her it was time to go to bed. Helping her up into a prone position, then kinda shuffeled off to our room, checking that doors were locked and lights were out. Blah, blah, blah....
You suggesting I should consider a different approach? Like leaving her there on the sofa? If so, I see your point.
Quote: Why didn't you just leave the room?
You know, after I thought about saying "I'm going to our room to have sex, with you or without you". I was just so frustrated. She had already closed her eyes again, so she wouldn't have seen my exit until later. So maybe the effect would be same as in my answer to the first question. Again, if so, I see your point.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Quote: Not only for your W (she may be drained by the constant sexual innuendos) but also for you, me, any HD. I find that when H did this in the past with no follow through it was teasing, and quite frustrating really. All talk no action.
Now you got me questioning my W's thoughts to my actions as of latey. Maybe she IS waiting for me to take it to the next level. That for her, she has passed the teasing level and now it's just frustrating to her. All talk and no action. And since I keep acting like the dog that's chasing it's tail (banter, banter, banter), she may be thinking, "Ok, when is he going to do something about it".
Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Quote: Because many higher drive spouses don't tell their lower drive spouses.
I realize that this was a reply to LFL, and a true statement. I wanted to point out that in my case, I have told my W on many occasions. I have shared what my needs are and how they are not being met. I've done this through lengthly hand written letters, word documents in an email attachment and long conversations while seated next to one another one the couch.I just wanted to share some of my history in this area.
Quote: Ignoring the problem on the other hand, is paramount to slow certain death of the relationship.
And I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one...
Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Thanks for the follow-up explanation. I've got a better handle on it now, via the BB member comparisons.
I want to respond some more and will later. However I literally have a 10 year old pawing at my leg to go wake mommy up so the little rugrat can open the one present that mommy said she could open Christmas Eve.
I think mommy mennt Christmas Eve(ning). However D10, has her on the technicality that it is Christmas Eve (morning).
I'll sign back on later.
If she doesn't have me playing SpongeBob w/ her on the X-Box.
Snook.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
solly snook. 
