I'm 42, H/D, my W is 47 N/D. Have been married for 11yrs. We have one D (10) together and W has 2 D's (27) and (23) from a previous marriage. She had been divorced for a couple of years and was I had been separated a year or two. We met on a blind date, got her phone number from a neighbor of my parents who worked with my W. We hit it off on our first date. She was /is beautiful, with gorgeous blues eyes, and fun personality. We had a lot of fun together and did a variety of activities (from weekend hotel getaways, to camping/fishing even an opera once).We dated for about 6 mo's, when we decided that I should move in. We were married within another 6-9mo's. From the beginning our intimate relationship seemed just fine, holding hands constantly, smooching in public, cuddling on the sofa, romps in the bedroom, romps on the sofa, and even romps in the tent.
But...somewhere after our D was born, things began to change and the intimate things that we used to do declined. I don't recall if it was suddenly or more a gradual decline. While I realize that, yes things do change dramatically and that for the most part some of those "activities" take a backseat to the joys and responsibilities of the addition of a precious little one in our lives, I also realize that there needs to be some balance within the R (Mommy and Daddy time too). So, I would still make efforts for the night out and a few weekend getaways to some not too far away Bed & Breakfast . It's the hopeless romantic in me. Although it didn't always create the right mood, I guess.
I have tried to reflect back to a specific event or series of events that may have lead to this and cannot connect it to anything specific. W worked in the medical field for many years and really want to go back to work (Dr's can be really jerks to work for) after our D was born. So she has become a SAHM. Things had not improved to well with improving intimacy or frequency. She did share with me some things that she was interested in trying in the bedroom. Although they worked for a bit, her interest has declined to the point where we are now. We have S seldom, once every few to six months. It is only when I initiate, and even when I do, shes not there with me. There is no EC at all! It's more like a hurry up and get it over with session. I have reached a point where that is not acceptable to me. I will not have S with someone who doesn't want it and is only present for the act because they know that it's necessary in a R. We have talked about this in detail time and time again, over the past few years. I have written her lengthy letters explaining how I feel and what I need. But I feel like we now suffer from the dreaded "room-mate" syndrome. I have detached emotionally.
Now before any SAHM's turn on their "slacker husband" radar screen. Let me say that aside from working I do help around the house. I take care of the finances, grocery shopping, yard work, dinner prep, various cleaning / cleanup tasks, help D with her homework and run her around to friends and activities. I decided at the beginning of this year to really examine our R in depth. What was I doing right, was was I do wrong. Was it me was it her or what. I purchased the SSM book for myself last Christmas while book shopping for others. I have never been a book reader, but had the typical reaction to the first chapter that I have seen others share here, "Wow, that sounds just like us". After I read it, I tried to share it with her and encouraged her to read too. I don't think that she got too much further than the first few chapters. I was discouraged, however this was not the first time (Mars/Venus, Light His&He Fire). We did talk about it, said she would read it but she fell off the wagon. I suggested reading together in the evenings but that didn't fly either. Then I got The Passionate Marriage. That one was hard for me to digest. I have not asked her to look at it either. In September, I suggested that we attend a Marriage Encounter Weekend (not WWME though). She agreed to go (not kicking and screaming, but not very into it either), although that event didn't seem to net any positive results. She acknowledges that there is a problem here, however, we can't seem to move past first base.
I have come to the conclusion, that there are other issues at hand here. The effects of being a STHM has had. I believe that she suffers from depression (maybe severe) and has chronic pain. She currently takes medication for the latter, and a few other maintenance med's for thyroid. Having looked back through the length of this first post, I realize that for anyone has followed along, it's time to end this post. I'm beginning to question myself, if I'm posting in the wrong message board. If you have followed this, thank you for your time.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
Welcome to the Board; wish you weren't here, if you KWIM.
I too am a 40-something (my wife and I are both 45) HD, married to a LD/ND. She also is a SAHM, with four kids still at home (18, 16, 12, 9). I wish I had some good advice for you, but if you read my sitch, you'll see that I'm not doing too well myself, so I'll just send along this "Welcome" and encourage you to post often and with detail. There's lots of good folks on here that can help you, and even make you laugh.
lots of stuff going on there actually, that can/will affect sexual desire. sort of a pile. Gonna have to take em down one by one maybe two at a time sometimes.
Positives, she isnt fighting counseling or reading, she isnt hostile. Assume she wants better too, just waiting for you to lead the way.
Lou Thanks and your right, counseling is way to go here. I've suggested it on several occasions. However, for various reasons she doesn't want to swallow that pill. Printer is currently work fine, but I'll make note of the resource. On a related note. I am of the opinion that they should just give away those cheap inkjet printers for free, caure they sure as h#ll extorte you for the refill cartrigages.
Choc Yes we are in somewhat similar situations and I have been following your posts as well. Thanks for your encouragment to continue to post. Misery loves company. Maybe that is way this board is so actively successful.
BF Thanks for your insight and reading between some of the lines there. Which you usually do quite well. You are right that there is lots going on. Currently I am digging down into that pile in hopes of finding that legendary needle. Your right about the positives. However, although she isn't hostile, she does get into a defensive position when I try to discuss it. I do recognize it for what it is (outside of her comfort zone) and call her on it choosing my words carefully in an non threatening way.
At her age, the on set of hormonal changes are part of the equation as well. After doing some reading across various medical boards across the web though, I am convinced that depression is the root source. Your closing words of wisdom are fitting. I need to strap on a big pair between my legs, light that torch and lead the way out of this darkness.
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
If she won't go to counseling, go on your own. Nothing bad can come of it, and some good things might, e.g., she sees a change in you and gets curious, or she thinks you're talking about her and wants to be there, or it takes the pressure off her and she feels room to breathe a bit.
I've thought about the counseling before and did dicuss it with my W. However this time I'm going get the ball rolling and take your's and Lou's advice. I can take advantage of something offered through an employee assistance program offered at work. I'll let my W know about it after I have an appointment. I'll let her know that she is welcome to join me, however I'll be going with or without her.
I don't know much of about visiting a therapist for the first time or what to expect. The only thing that I do know about the program is that the help that is offered is limited to only a handful of visits. Short Term/Solution Based Therapy I guess. Any advice on what to ask up front?
"And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been." J. Buffett
I think it's important to look at the therapist as someone that YOU hire to help you reach a goal, sort of like you might hire a piano teacher or a golf pro. All therapists are NOT created equal, do not have equal training, or equal skill, any more than all surgeons, hairdressers, plumbers, or auto mechanics are equal.
I'm in a music program at the local community college and I hear the kids talk about the different piano teachers:
"Oh don't take from M.A. He is a great pianist, but he just doesn't know how to show you what to do. He just expects you to look at his technique and copy it."
"C.E. is a good teacher, but she's kind of mean. She expects you to get it right the first or second time. And if you don't get it, she doesn't have any other way to show you."
"Take from M.B. She is a fabulous teacher, so patient, shows you exactly how to do the technique, and will go over it and over it with you, never makes you feel stupid. If you work with her, you know she will go the distance and that you will eventually get it."
See where I'm going with this? This is a very intimate personal relationship and you have to feel good about the person you're going to be spilling your guts to. If your insurance pays for limited number of visits, I would suggest spacing them out over a longer period of time. For instance, don't go every week, go every other week or every third week. I've always found that weekly sessions just "came at me" too fast. Like trying to eat too fast. I needed time to chew and digest. I don't think going through the process faster gets you to your goal any faster, because some of this stuff just takes time.
In the first session, take the mental stance that you are interviewing the therapist to see if this is someone you want to have this relationship with. Sort of like a first date. Ask them how they work? Give a brief overview of what brought you there ("I'm having some problems in my marriage. My W is this, and I'm that.") and ask how they would approach that. Would you set up goals? Would the therapist give you "homework"? How long does this therapist generally work with clients? All the while you're asking yourself, "How do I feel about this person?"
And you may really like the person and then after a few sessions feel that you're not getting anywhere. At that point you can ask the therapist to evaluate how they think you're doing regarding the sitch. You are totally free to switch to another C. Sometimes you get into sort of a conundrum-- is it resistance I'm having and should I stay with this therpist, or are we REALLY not getting anywhere (sort of like in your marriage ).
It's reasonable to expect that you'll feel like you're getting somewhere after five or six sessions (one would hope sooner than that!). Not that you'll necessarily feel BETTER, but that you'll feel you're getting down to the nitty-gritty.
It's easy to slip into the place that says, "well, I think we should be doing this or that in therapy and the therapist never askes me about my whatever, and I think s/he should, BUT they're the expert so they must know what they're doing. If I'm having doubts about the process, it must be that I just don't understand."
To that I would say, yes, there is such a thing as resistance and not wanting to go someplace that you need to go, but if you consistently feel that you're not going anywhere, then change therapists. I mean you wouldn't go back over an over to a hairdresser who gave you a bad haircut, would you? Or keep taking your car to the same mechanic if the problem never got fixed? The therapist is a professional, but YOU are the consumer and the final authority on whether the process is taking you where you feel you need to go. Trust your gut.
Most EAP's only allow say 8-10 appointments per problems/issue. My H and my self went to an MC I went to an C and my H to an anger C all within 12 months through this program. My C got my amount of sessions extended. The first time coded for depression the second time coded on an abusive spouse.
The down side is there is only a limited amount of C's that particapate in this program so choices are not vast of who to see.
I went into my C with a introduction letter. Stating my issues/situation and what I hoped to achieve through C. She told me which things she might be able to help me with and how and we started from there. It sort of jumpstarted the sessions since they were limited in number.
True, most EAP's do have a limited # of sessions...but make sure to check. The company I work for does cover therapy (depending on how it's coded of course)....we fortunately have 32 visits per year covered by our insurance. Our C sees us as a couple, but for insurance purposes it's listed under me as the patient...because our insurance doesn't technically cover "Marriage Counseling", so she codes it as me being the patient not my H and I.
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