I have switched to dating mothers exclusively for a bit. There are many incredibly attractive, intelligent, accomplished women with kids out there! The tough part is navigating and considering the family that has been torn about by their own D, learning about their story, and deciding whether to procede or not b/d of it, all on top of the typical attraction/chemistry thing that has to happen or not b/t two people. I find myself having the 'it's just practice' dating mentality still. Each contact has taught me so much about women (except for my first date in Aug or Sept where the woman lied pretty much about everything).
Merrick, JM, and K, there is something empowering about teaching one's son (or daughter I imagine) a sport that one enjoyed. This is a process that XW can't interfere with much, and it is another way of bonding with the little guy. We practiced defense and 'fast break' scoring yesterday (if you can call it that ), with him stealing the ball from me and dribbing and shooting quickly while I came up behind him in a boogeyman/opposing player role shouting 'Rarrghhhh!'. I figure if he can do so under pressure with silly me, he can do the same in front of the crowd and in the face of other munchkins.
At S6's exchange (still taking place in a parking lot at XW's insistence. S6 asked me a few days ago about why we were still doing so, and I said, "I haven't a clue, S6. You'll have to ask your Mom"), XW was more pleasant, and she vented a bit about her teaching load. As I'm teaching twice as many course, plus working another 24 hrs in my practice/contract work, I have a really hard time empathizing with her, but I nodded my head and did my best "I'm listening and empathizing" look. When S6 and I talked about his afternoon with me (we really packed in a lot in 4.5 hrs - going for an ice cream cone, Bball practice, bicyling while Dad ran besides, playing with Legos, dinner, playing music/singing together, bath, reading Narnia chapters), XW thanked me for practicing with him: "Good! Well at least you're practicing with him now."
How does a reconciliation even have half a chance with that kind of sour puss attitude? I think I'll be starting my next thread in surviving, folks.
Just wanted to say thanks for the New Year wishes. I know I'm late with this and I have no good excuse other than I am a DITZ! I hope that 2006 will be a great year for you as well (and at least I know you're now looking FABULOUS!)
Glad to see that for now anyway, you're little one is the center of your world. You'll never look back with regret for making that choice, but boy would you ever if you didn't! Lucky, lucky little boy..........
As far as a birthday present for your ex, take your son to the store and let him pick out a card and a present. Afterall it is supposed to be from him, right? I think that your considering his feelings in wanting to celebrate his Mom's birthday, and taking him to buy a present should only be for the purpose of how it will make him feel. She wanted you out of her life. There are no (or shouldn't be anyway) perks for wanting a divorce, and it won't amount to a hill of beans with her. Stand tough. Let her know that your caring about it being her birthday is the least she has to lose!
I agree with Beth. Remembering your XW's birthday for you son and taking him to get her a gift is the way it should be. This has more to do with the raising of a child than about your X.
That being said, I see no harm in getting a gift for someone you care about. If you feel like recognizing her birthday then you should. Remember, if you are ever back together (something you appear to be doubting) she will remember the good things you did. I'm sure you don't need to guess whether I got my X a b-day present. :P
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Taking him to the store and getting her a card for him to sign and a present sounds perfect. Interestingly, even tho she has the right to spend her BDay with him, she's opting out. Without judging her, there's no one else I'd rather spend my BDay with than him.
Well folks, I've decided to take the last big plunge. I'm moving over to the Surviving the Big D forum. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. Along the long painful path from Newcomers to Separated to D'd but not Done, I've given it a good try. And it hasn't happened. Even tho I'm still open to reconciliation, I realize that life is oh so very short, and my God intends for me to use His gifts, not waste them on someone who merely rejects out of hand.
This is hard. I almost teared up while walking around a drugstore last night thinking about this silly move in cyberspace. An odd mixture of sadness, guilt, fear, and resignation. Sadness about the finality of loss, guilt about my "quitting", fear about the unknown, and resignation to this reality. I did not want this to be. But if there is anything I've learned over the past 14+ months, it is that I'm not in control. Bad things can happen, people can choose to leave me, yet despite the storms that come my way, I also have learned that I can get back up, dust myself off, and keep movin on toward my goals and dreams. I need this, and S6 needs me to do this as well.
May God bless each and every one of you, and your families, for all of the love and support you've given me throughout this painful journey, and may He send you the grace to strengthen you as you continue to walk your journeys as He intends. I owe you so much, and the best I can do in return is to try my best to pass it on. I wish each of you happiness and success, in whatever form that takes.
Know that I'll be back to check on you, and I hope to see you on my new thread: Movin' on Up!
Quote: Sadness about the finality of loss, guilt about my "quitting", fear about the unknown, and resignation to this reality
Sound like very normal emotions. You should close the chapter on this marriage. The last words have been written. If you and your XW are ever going to be together again it would only come from writing a new chapter, actually more like a new book, with all the demons of the old chapter/book put to rest. You are not quitting, just doing what is necessarily to have a full, complete life. I'm happy for you.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I sympathize with your views of the dating world and the differences between those with kids and those without. I don't belive you're off base at all.
At the same time, going the "with kids" route also is a complex game. While this BB may prove that there are thousands of potential partners with R skills sufficient to be the next H or W--blending our needs with those of the kids remains very very tough. I often wonder if I should just limit myself to widows or simply just wait until my kids are gone. It's one thing to date for the sheer sake of dating, but it seems most of those out there are looking for --or will eventually want-- something more. That's hard enough before kids, but a real complex one now. I'm not offering advice one way or the other, but in my world, the only constant is my kids. I helped bring them into the world and their needs must be paramount in all my acitons. At what point my needs start to balance out more against theirs I do now know; but right now I'm not even close to that point.
), with him stealing the ball from me and dribbing and shooting quickly while I came up behind him in a boogeyman/opposing player role shouting 'Rarrghhhh!'. I figure if he can do so under pressure with silly me, he can do the same in front of the crowd and in the face of other munchkins.
