"I read the news today, oh boy"--The Beatles, A Day in the Life.
Glad to hear things are well. Your description of wholeness seems to describe a similar point where I am (and I admit that you helped me get there a bit through your loving detachment). Wholeness may be one description, but the one I use is contentment with who I am and what I am. In many respects, I know myself better than at any other time in my life and I can truly distinguish and appreciate the difference between my personal wants and actual needs. And I've learned I don't need much if I have faith.
On the R side, TKKC1 gave me a book called "Dinner with a Perfect Stranger," a somewhat Christian apologetic based on a cynical businessman's dinner invite from a man claiming to be Jesus. Their dinner discussion ponders reigion and the meaning of life, but one of the more powerful observations I garnered was that perhaps the greatest spiritual need of any human is to feel loved. For an adult, ideally for most, that comes from a spouse. But it comes from other sources as well--most notably the Lord, if we believe. That recognition brings me a lot of peace.
Btw, I also appreciate your thoughts on PL. My online experience has opened some new doors and possibilities that are both exciting, distracting, but also perhaps nothing more than a pipedream to pursue. It's strange to be opening up new doors to possible R's with a much clearer sense of what I'm looking for--but also a keener sense of what can go wrong and a desire to protect my kids from any more instability in their lives. I don't say this as a complaint, but just to note another interesting part of the journey.
Are you involved in any sort of bible study group with your parish? I am wanting to get involved in some sort of bible study group in the Catholic church, but I am having the hardest time finding one. Is it just my church or are all Catholic churches like this? I am doing some digging online to see if there is something like that in my area. I am even thinking of looking into an episcopal or methodist church. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks.
By the way, I enjoy reading about your dating experiences.
This IS tough. Not until Vatican II did the Church even encourage simply reading the Bible (overrreaction ot the reformation). It was something that amazed me in my conversion, and as a result, you have not yet developed a wide ranging bible study network the way you would find in other denominations. I don't know ehere you live, but you may want to see if you have a "Theology on Tap" network in your area--this could proivide the basis for forming a group. Gotta run.
Hey there! Thanks for the compliment, K. A prop on my fathering from SuperDad carries tons of weight with me!
Sam, I don't attend a bible study group. I subscribe to the monthly Catholic publication The Word Among Us to read scripture at night. It follows the daily Mass readings and provides nice stems for meditation and reflection. Socializing in that way seems like a good source of support.
Merrick wrote:
Quote: It's strange to be opening up new doors to possible R's with a much clearer sense of what I'm looking for--but also a keener sense of what can go wrong and a desire to protect my kids from any more instability in their lives.
I feel this keenly, and I sense that PL is a bit put off by my protectiveness/centeredness around S6, but that is my reality.
The wife of a coworker who is also a friend died suddenly of a heart attack. They both led very healthy lifestyles, so it really surprised me to hear this. I'm glad XW is alive and well, and seems to be trying to figure out how to achieve happiness. I'm worried about my friend, and his ability to handle this loss.
I did a few projects over the weekend, putting up a harness/pulley system to hang my kayak in the garage, then spent yesterday afternoon putting together a portable basketball hoop for S6. The latter's instructions must have been written by someone who uses English as a second language. In addition, I had to adapt missing/misfitting pieces, but it all came together in the end. I roared with laughter, thinking of a few Chevy Chase blow-up skits, when S6 wanted to play superheroes instead of Bball after I finished it.
XW phoned last night and had a list of things she wanted to change, noting several issues that she saw as problems, including her having to help watch S6 during semester breaks, as she'd rather plunk him in a camp to free herself up. When she complained and wanted me to commit to sharing camp costs for next year, I merely noted that I was open to talking about it next year.
At dropoff this morn, XW was ~20 min late, then commented on my casual clothes saying, "You're dressed for work?" I had noted that I needed to get work done, so we'd need to split watching him today (S6's last day off from school). I smiled and didn't respond, said goodbye to both, and left.
Lots of work projects to tackle this week, so there will be much less time for play/dating. Plus I start coaching S6's Bball team Thur night, with his first game on Sat.
Update Well, my first real dating experience has bit the big one. PL and I had a talk and decided that it wasn't going to happen. It was a nicely mature, caring convo about each of us, with great empathy, care and interest in the other, but we both acknowledged that the initial sparks of attraction didn't take hold and our last few dates were a bit flat.
My impression, looking back? I think having kids sets one apart developmentally from those that haven't yet had them, or who choose not to. She had been M'd and D'd before, but had a hard time grasping my reality of juggling/prioritizing things for S6. Plus, as a "Dad", I'm somewhat done with trying to be cool or impressive, with partying 1-2x every weekend, staying up til the wee hrs of the morning, just to do so. She was still enjoying that, and that's fine. I found that while I was open to experiencing new things with her, she had hesitations that seems to crop up quickly, and this rung some warning bells, as they reminded me of XW later in the M (not now - XW is doing plenty of exploring). Perhaps living single and alone (no kids to force flexibility) allows one to get more set in their ways over time. She wanted kids, but stepping in as a stepmother will take a special woman, and I don't begrudge her hesitation there. She deserves to follow her dream, and I hope she fulfills it.
I have some 'set' points or boundaries, too. I'm finding myself enjoying building myself up, and that means reasonable hrs of rest/wakefulness, at most only moderate alcohol use, solid diet/exercise schedules, and enjoyment of the outdoors. I also am less likely to be okay with notable differences in core values (~ spiritual, sociopolitical), and she seemed less interested in her spiritual growth and tho we both called ourselves moderate, she appeared much more conservative than I am regarding politics. Finally, I found myself far less interested in material things.
Overall, I'm summarizing it as a nice experience. It had a pleasant appropriate beginning, some nice romantic moments/exchanges, and a mature ending. I found myself comfortable and confident at times, I caught myself when I slipped into some old patterns, I was able to notice some M/D baggage when it reared it's head, and I was able to be romantic again - and I enjoyed the feeling of my presence being appreciated. I'm a bit sad/disappointed, but I'm still okay with going it alone until the right person comes along. It was fun to look forward during a workdayto a romantic dinner or wine-tasting with a pretty woman. And it was nice to wrap it up without blaming, fault-finding, but instead with validations and good wishes in both directions.
In terms of DBing, XW is turning friendly again, with a few contacts focusing on S6, and some cheerful greetings back and forth. Dating has helped me to realize how much I missed out on with her in terms of working hard on our dating plans/experiences. I truly let her/us down in that part of our M, letting our work take too high of a priority. But enough looking back. DBing is about planning for the future, and moving toward one's goals.
I plan to recenter myself, and to continue to push my growth, with some dating as the opportunities present themselves, staying friendly and peaceful with XW, and distancing myself from her when she has a bone to pick.
As I drove S6 to school this morn, I looked over at him, and realized how truly blessed I am.
I'm just reading your thread for the first time Gabriel...and I have to say that I was very impressed by your thoughts through all this. It's truly amazing when we get to this point, the clarity of it all...opening our hearts up once again...learning about ourselves.
I think the R that you explored with PL was a very healthy one, a good stepping stone persay to future Rs...at least you both realized that it was not going to work...but were as you say mature enough to end it diplomatically and friendly. It opened your eyes to new possibilities, new doors in your life.
I look forward to following your thread from now on...
Your experiences are a very important part of my own journey and I really appreciate and admire the grace you have shown throughout this process.
A short trip to the Sarasota/Tampa area is looking more likely for me in Mid-March. If you like baseball, maybe we can meet in the middle for some spring training observation.
What a growth experience! Which took an incredibly insightful, centered person to recognize! Thank you for letting us in on this teachable moment. S6 is truly blessed, too, isn't he?
