Yeah, I know. I took the same 6th grade sex ed class (j/k) Yet a jar of vaseline just doesn't do it for me. I'm just too sold on the beauty of mutual love-making. Self-pleasure seems too orgasm- or climax-focused, and this was a big issue in my M, as XW's low interest led to her pressuring for low-interactive 'quickie' type intercourse, while I was trying to introduce us to longer, more relationally-focused in depth interactions, and started dabbling in Tantra.
I think while even alone, masturbation would set me back even further in the direction the last few years of the R did. It is a healthy choice for most, but for me it goes against my growth directions for those historical reasons.
But I see your point. Right now, I'm still doing the crazy stuff - like last night, running 5 miles, then a cold shower. Reading stuff like Deida's writings on male sexuality really help me to celebrate my sexuality - even while abstinent - and especially in the presence of attractive women.
P.S. I'm merely venting at times. I'm not quite about to lose it. I don't think!
Quote: But I see your point. Right now, I'm still doing the crazy stuff - like last night, running 5 miles, then a cold shower.
How are you sleeping? Doesn't exercise right before bedtime interfere with sleeping? I remember reading something about scheduling workouts in the morning for the sake of sleep. A cold shower doesn't help much, either, does it?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hey, Gabriel - just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading about your Sunday with your son - how wonderful to see in my mind's eye Dad and his little guy hanging out on their way to church! How blessed your son is. You're an inspiration!
By the way - I gotta try that running 5 miles thing....
K, yes right before bed, exercise tends to worsen falling to sleep probs. I've moved my running up to just after work. Rather than sit in traffic, I stay around to lift wts, then run. Usually somewhere b/t 5-8pm on nights I don't have S6, obviously. If they have the time, runners tend to prefer late afternoon/early evening b/c connective tissue is 'looser' than just after waking, leading to fewer injuries (assuming same stretching routine in am and pm). The cold showers (and bath) work for both my sore muscles and libido - but maybe its just a placebo effect?
Bustin', thanks for that compliment. It was a very special morning with S6. I hope he remembers some of it, too. I miss the little guy. He'll be gone for just over 1 week. I've never been apart from him for more than 4 days (only once).
I have a 'coffee' date on Sun with a local professional woman I met online. She's not Russian, Ellie, but instead a very pretty woman who emigrated from Poland at age 10. Given her profession, she's likely worth at least 3 times what I am, so I doubt she'll be a golddigger. I wonder if she'll pay for my coffee, tho?... And she's a citizen, so no need to marry me to stay in the country. LostinLimbo (my intown, wonderful DBer/ R consultant), if you're reading this, know that I'm moving on, with the door cracked shut. Am I in a mad rush to find love? Nah. I've learned how to feed and love myself (not that way, M. Get your mind off sex, would you!). Just want to have some conversations and interactions with less hairy, non-overly knuckled, better smelling humans.
Not that I'm doing this to manipulate the R - this is solely for me - but in terms of the R, I think this is necessary, as XW didn't respond to direct DBing, and now its up to cosmic karma vibes to tell her to "move it or lose it" regarding her chances with me.
At the very least, it'll be fun to meet and learn about a few more people.
Lots of self-care/love (that's not what I mean, M! ), folks, as we approach the holidays.
For as long as you still want XW back with you, always keep that door cracked open. If you decide differently then you will know what to do if/when that time comes.
You deserve to be happy and to have someone to share some decent convo's with and if XW misses out, then that is HER loss. I know you will have a good time.
Just hope that your date has not gone as long as you without sex or you might have to make a run for your life
I am a little scared to update on my sitch as I don't want to jinx myself but I will say this......He gave me a key to the house and invited me to his Christmas party for work tomorrow night
Oh, one more thing...I have spent the night with him every night for the last week and half
Ok, enough highjacking....hope you are having a good day!
You are so good at staying focused and balanced. You are my inspiration since this is the thing I struggle with most. I always keep up with your thread and love to hear the positives in your life. You are such a good role model for your son!
I went on two dates - one Sat night and one Sun morn. The first happened quickly, literally w/thin 24 hrs, and seemed very lust-driven. Dinner then off to quiet my libido with a very hot date. In the heated moment, tho, in a somewhat awkward fashion, I rolled over, and said to her, "You're going to kill me, and I'm sorry, but I can't do this." She was incredibly understanding, and complimentary, etc..., and told me not to be hard on myself. I did feel bad about putting myself and her in that situation, but relieved about stopping myself. There is no future with this person, as I was merely attracted to her physically.
The second date was slow in development, with a stunningly attractive professional who I've mentioned before. She scares me, not b/c of anything negative, but b/c she has so many positives about her. We met for coffee (I drank decaf, T ), and she cancelled what likely was an exit strategy (going to a Jags football game) to stay with me and talk longer over her offer of lunch. We spent 4 hrs together, and it flew by. She seems kind and thoughtful, and very mature. I noticed my baggage rearing its head at times, like me shying away from intimacy (kiss/hug goodbye) with her. Interesting how I felt that way with a woman with real promise for an R, but not from the more shallow connection.
S6 called me at night - first convo b/t us in about 3 days. He was very jokey with me and noted that, as XW had bought him 3 star wars watches (a current fastfood offer/ploy), he was going to give me one "cause I don't have 3 arms!" What a great boy. He'll be back tomorrow.
A brief exchange with XW over the phone included her being abrupt, cold, and barking at S6 in the background. I imagine she was stressed about traveling today, but geesh, how does any reconciliation have a chance when a person has positive options being compared to a very slowly changing negative past R? I truly hope that God in his wisdom has a plan, because I'm back to a big mess of confusion. I'll likely get back to plodding along with my self-work and take things slowing with this professional, if she's up to seeing me more.
Interesting how I felt that way with a woman with real promise for an R, but not from the more shallow connection.
It's good that you see that. I'd think that the "shallow" connection isn't threatening because you know the "threat" of intimacy isn't there. Meaning that, with her, you've decided there really isn't a relationship looming nor will develop, and so you don't have to deal with opening yourself up and being vulnerable and taking a risk again on love and committing to a person. Or something like that. Whereas with the stunningly attractive professional woman, you sense there's that possibility.
Go slowly and evaluate. If things are right and work nicely between you two, it will be comfortable and you'll feel safe and secure. Then, it won't be a matter of fearing what may develop, but of enjoying what is developing.
While that's happening, kindly pass me the other gal's number.
Yet a jar of vaseline just doesn't do it for me. I'm just too sold on the beauty of mutual love-making. Self-pleasure seems too orgasm- or climax-focused, and this was a big issue in my M, as XW's low interest led to her pressuring for low-interactive 'quickie' type intercourse, while I was trying to introduce us to longer, more relationally-focused in depth interactions, and started dabbling in Tantra.
And she's a citizen, so no need to marry me to stay in the country. LostinLimbo (my intown, wonderful DBer/ R consultant), if you're reading this, know that I'm moving on, with the door cracked shut. Am I in a mad rush to find love? Nah. I've learned how to feed and love myself (not that way, M. Get your mind off sex, would you!). Just want to have some conversations and interactions with less hairy, non-overly knuckled, better smelling humans.
What a great boy. He'll be back tomorrow.