Those are nice plans, Merrick and T. I like the idea of letting S6 help with the menu. I'll need to be careful tho, or I'll be facing PBJs and candy for turkey day.
Things that make you go hmmmm. I had my PDL book sitting on an endtable when XW came over the last time and I noted that I've read it within my dating service ad that she's been commenting on to friends/family (as if she's not getting around). Guess what she's reading now? Yep: PDL.
We are influencing our WAS - even when keeping distant.
Your positive attitude and strength continues to come through in your posts. You mentioned that you have been reminded with all the tough and low points in the last year, that you have survived and even improved through it all. Gabe... you ARE doing great! You should be proud of yourself during this past year. You have made alot of great changes within yourself. I am impressed with the way you are handling things. And, I think you are making some great choices in how you are dealing with your divorce. You are an inspiration and proof that no matter what, if you work on you... regardless of how your M turned out... you have become a much stronger person. Although you may not have "saved" this M to your XW, you have created a wonderful "new" Gabe that will make the right woman very happy for the rest of her life--- whether it is in M or in a serious relationship... I truly believe this.
You also shared that you are consistently thinking about someone better entering your life rather than "what if's" regarding your XW... There is no doubt in my mind that someday you can have the R you dream of... With time, you will find someone truly wonderful, whose values and views on life match your own even better than XW's do... Someone you can have a more balanced R with... Someone who will support you and give you a true example of what a loving R should be. I have faith in a happy future for you. I hope that you can continue to be happy about who you are and realize that your XW has made the worst decison of her life... Your XW might be trying to convince herself that she made the right decision, but I do not think she truly believes it.
Gabe... No one ever plans on getting a divorce. Unfortunately, many people enter into a divorce too easily. But, you did not. I know that it is disappointing. And, I know this divorce is not what you wanted. But, your life can still be what you want it to be. You deserve to be in a R with someone who thinks you are incredible, someone who is willing to work through problems with you. You will be happy again with someone who can accept you and your love without conditions. You will make the right woman a wonderfully happy one! One that will adore you for who you are and what you offer the R--- what you offer the world... A caring, loving, and intelligent man who has experienced a great load of pain and has come out the other end a stronger, secure man!
As you continue to apply all of the knowledge of your self-growth within the past year, I truly believe you deserve to have the happiest life possible...
Thinking of you, Gabe! -OC Kim
Thanks for the compliments, OCKim, and hey there, M!
Journaling
I had a great weekend with S6, took him to see a movie Fri afternoon, we played and practiced with his bicycle riding Sat, and returned him to XW early pm on Sun. S6 was a bit mouthly over the weekend, so I spent a good amount of time disciplining and talking to him about stuff. Kind of wearing. Makes me wonder if this is just a kid's reactions to D, or if more is happening. I think his time with XW is busy, as when I called at bedtime to say goodnight, he said that he was eating in a fastfood restaurant with XW. Earlier on Sun, She was 30 min late at dropoff, and as I was PO'd about that and worried about what I might say, I merely said goodbye to S6 and left.
I felt like I had dropped the DBing ball a bit there, but I'm tired of her self-centeredness. Lots of past events involving her self-focus bubbled up for some reason this weekend, leaving me with anger. This happening despite me having a few fun conversations with her about S6. One convo included me telling her about S6's beginning "the birds and the bees" questions: S6: Dad, have you seem Mom's private parts? G: Yes, S6, in the past, I've seen them. S6: Has Mom seen your private parts? G: Yep, she's seen mine too? S6: How? X-Ray vision?
I went on to talk to him about M people being able to see each other unclothed at times, then he mercifully switched topics to Star Wars again.
Oye. I believe the tougher life questions have started.
When my eldest was about 4 she asked where babies come from so I told her they grow in the mummy's tummy. Then when she was 5 she asked how they get there so I reminded her when she planted a flower at kindergarten and said that daddy plants a seed like the flower seed in mummy's tummy and it grows into a baby.
Then she saw me pregnant with DD4 and wanted to know 'how' daddy planted the seed and 'how' the baby would get out of there, LOL, but I changed the subject because I thought she was too young.
Then, finally, at 8 years old and with a lot of nagging from her (on her first visit to me in 8 months), she asked me to tell her so I did. Her response was, 'yuck, that's disgusting, I'm NEVER doing that!'
Of course, DD4 knows something of her birth already as all of her older sisters frequently delight in telling her that she fell out into my jeans (followed by squeals of laughter from all of them), so DD4 tells other people that when she was born, she fell on her head
Then of course there's the how do they get fed question. I remember once sitting there breast feeding DD4 when she was only about a week old and DD1 was watching, and piped up 'Mummy, I hate that.' I asked 'why?' 'Because I don't like cows milk.' (laughing my head off) 'I'm not a cow am I? It's not cows milk.' 'What is it, then? Soya milk?'
I roared so much I practically pissed myself as my pelvic floor was already weakened from giving birth!!!
Just think, you have these delightful convos to look forward to
Your post about S6 cheered me up. I feel awful tonight.
M, I've seen snow in the Windy City in May. But it would be fun to see some of you Northerners!
XW called last night and offered to pick S6 up at my house. I remembered her almost balking when I told her we'd meet her at her local gas station for dropoff on Sunday. I wonder if she's trying to normalize things again. She came in and sat down on the floor near the entryway, as if afraid to go further. I acted normal and relaxed, while I got together some mail and S6's things. As they marched out, S6 exclaimed "Finally! You get to pick me up and see me at my Dad's house!"
I will miss my past 'family' this holiday season - the second Thanksgiving apart. Yet, this time, S6 and I have a true home, with the chance to build our own traditions. I plan to decorate the house well this season, and to do some baking with him. We have a gingerbread man kit and we'll do some artwork as well.
It was just a lake effect snow, I'm sure! And there's nothing like jazz down on the Miracle Mile! We could hit the Art Institute and Grant Park too! Maybe the Shedd Aquarium! Ooo! Ooo! I know...a White Sox game! Yippee! Or Second City if we want to hit a comedy club.
I thought Chitown would be good as it should be relatively inexpensive to fly into.
It sounds like you are doing a great job, honey. Keep up the good work. S6 will be a better person for all that you are doing.
Thanks WW - I apppreciate the compliment. And you make Chicago sound great - it is a fun city.
Journaling
Thanksgiving was nice. I had S6 from Wed morn til Fri night. He was sick and worn out. XW is going thru another busy spell, so this means that S6 eats out every meal except breakfast when with her, and keeps late hours. Adults can go with less than 7 hrs of sleep/night, but 6 yr olds need more. Anyway, he got sick, as he could have rested and home-fed. But despite his light flu experience, we had a great time.
We decorated some of the house with wreathes and bows, and garland. We played music, with S6 bashing away on the piano, while I played guitar singing made-up songs like "Turkey Lurkey".
When I informed XW about S6 being sick, she said "Be sure to get him to nap, so he'll be well-rested." When I replied, "I will. Please do the same this weekend", she snapped and yelled "Yes!! I've gotta go!" and hung up. She won't.
I found myself happy, almost giddy about the holidays and spending them in the house with S6 on Wed. There were a few low moments, but it was a happy home environment. B/c of S6 being ill, I cancelled plans of having guests over. Interesting - two women in the neighborhood (both single, divorced, and attractive) came over with food to wish us Happy Thanksgiving. One sits on the HOA board with me, so I think word of my D is out.
At pickup yesterday, I mentioned to XW that the two neighbors brought over food, and she bristled. I noticed later that two wine glasses were left out on a counter (shared some wine with one woman, S6 was sound asleep by then), and she likely saw them. Anyway, she refused to say good-bye as they left, but S6 and I kissed and hugged. I know that we'll both remember that we shared a nice Thanksgiving holiday this year. I'm happy that I provided him a happy home, lots of loving care during his illness, and some light playfulness as well.
It sounds to me like you are still doing everything right. Your XW may or may not have bristled about the OW's bringing you food (suggesting you may be projecting there, but either way it's cool). I think it's great that other women are noticing you (I know they have been for a while) and that you are ever so slightly opening that door. I think it's good that XW realize that other women are interested in you.
To be honest, I think that's one of the primary things that really woke up my SO. During the spring/summer when I wasn't dating anyone (post-Mr. Professor), SO would often make jokes about my joining a convent. I made it clear to him that I was living my values (i.e. holding my continuing love for him in high regard and honoring it).
I think when he told me point blank not to wait for him in late July, the light bulb really began to glow for him, b/c he knew, somehow, that I was starting to take that to heart.
Back to my point -- I think it's good for your XW to know, to see, that other women find you worth pursuing. So, keep that door open, honey.
I'm sorry S6 was ill over the holiday. Be careful about blaming that on XW and her schedule. Just because they are eating take-out does not mean that he's not getting balanced, nutritious meals. Does he take a multi-vitamin? If not, now might be a good time to get him started, especially during the school year.
I made it clear to him that I was living my values (i.e. holding my continuing love for him in high regard and honoring it).