Sam, thanks for posting about codependent. It is very interesting. I sure sound like one of those. I wanted to "control" b/c I felt I knew "better" and my way was "better", as STBXH never really thought of anything and is a very weak person.
It is interesting, though, b/c before STBXH, I dated guys who were always very aggressive and ambitious, and definitely who wanted to be in charge. STBXH was the first guy I was with that I had to be in charge. I did not like that at first at all - I felt like STBXH was not manly enough. I wanted a guy whom I could rely on. But I guess I grew to like my controlling ability...
Again, thanks for sharing and hope you still come back here to update.
Thanks for checking in on me. Yes, I am here. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I will post after that appointment and give you all an update. Also, I'll check in on your situations. Take care.
I just wanted to post quickly. In the beginning of my divorce, ex had an online emotional affair. In my snooping at the beginning of this sitch, I found all their emails to each other. In broke my heart back then. I kept them just in case my divorce went to trial. I saved them all in a box with the other divorce papers and never looked at them again.
I was going through them so I could prove to another person new to divorce busting that things can change. To my face and in these emails, ex said just awful things about me and how he hated me. Today, he tells me how much he loves me constantly. He acts like I was acting when the divorce was filed. We have completely switched places.
All of a sudden it hit me, ex is being humbled like I was humbled. My saddness back then is what made me change. It is also what made me sober. I see so much hope for ex and his recovery. His pain is going to save his life. Also, I see so much hope for our marriage.
There is also this evil part of me that is getting joy out of his pain at this very moment. I have this evil grin on my face. I probably will be sad for him tomorrow morning, but gosh, I am going to enjoy this for just one evening. I know this is evil, and I am actually sad for ex again. However, I thought I deserved that evil bit of joy just for a second. I guess it was reading all the things he told that girl that did it to me. I am putting that box of letters away.
I wonder if its at all 'evil' to feel that way. I think anger about how one was treated is very understandable, as is the excitement that one's WAS may be experiencing some key learning - as hard as it may be.
Good to know that you are still here. I understand your "evil" feelings. Whenever I think of those moments when STBX was having his ony-way emotional affairs or on-line flirting things, I get evil too...
And probably that is why my STBXH had been so mean to me also. In his mind, I "mistreated" him for a long time and it was a payback time. Lately he does not really do or say anything mean. He is just determined to get D, though. Although we do not really talk about D either, actually. I think he reached a point where he just wanted our lawyers to handle our D. We just talk about our son, that is all.
I know this is quite normal to go through this "entitlement" stage. But I wonder if STBXH will ever feel humble... IF there is any hope for us, that is when we may be able to recover... But hey, I should not have any expectations, as they continue to torture me.
Thanks for checking in on me Gabriel and you too Hoping.
Things are going fine with me. I did speak with ex once last week because I had to talk to him about some tax stuff. Also, that same day, my father had to be hospitalized. I mentioned my father's situation when I called ex about the finances. My father is fine now but ex asked me to keep him informed. I called ex back the next day to let him know my father was good to go.
Ex and I agreed to each concentrate on our own lives for now. It feels really good. It is so weird how I can see a life without him in it when I stopped talking to him. The first week was bad, but it gets easier and easier. I still love him and know I always will. I would love to have a marriage with him if he would get better, but I can accept it if he doesn't.
Letting go has allowed me to want to be with the healthy him. I don't NEED to be with him. I didn't realize that I was thinking this way until I let go of him.
I don't think I would have been to this point sooner if I would have cut off contact sooner. Time passing has also allowed me to detach. Nevertheless, if I would have continued contact with him like I had been, I don't think things would be looking so bright. It is like things in my life are turning from black-and-white and back into color again. I never thought I would feel this way again. I am not just gung-ho happy, but I am starting to feel like my old self again--upbeat, optimistic and most importantly STRONG! Being strong was one of my best qualities and I had lost that for a long time.
I do have bad days and sometimes miss him, but when it happens, I know it will go away soon. I just envision him getting healthy during our time apart and that helps. I also realize that when I get sad from time to time he is probably feeling the same way. Hopefully, it is motivating him to get sober. I know my missing him motivates me take better care of myself.
If God wants us together again, it will happen. I get stronger and happier each day that passes. One thing is for sure--I do love ex. I know that without a doubt. I will never stop loving him, but I realize that sometimes life doesn't turn out like we expect. I am OK with that.
Sounds like you and ex have built trust strong enough to agree on such a tough decision. Clearly you both love each other, but the nasty addiction is in your way.
As you know, mine also has addictions and I have no idea if he will ever get completely sober. To me, just b/c he is not using drugs or watching porn for several months, he is not sober. He is not doing these things b/c he is forced to be good. I think if he truly DESIRES to quit, and does not want to engage himself in these activities EVEN IF he will never be caught, that is when he is truly over the addictions.
I pray for you and your xH that the day you two can get back together comes soon!!
Thanks for the kind words Hoping. I want you to know that your present situation gave me a fresh burst of hope. Thanks for that. You just never know what the future holds.
I guess it was reading all the things he told that girl that did it to me. I am putting that box of letters away. 