Definitely have to agree with NYS on his suggested read.
Speaking as a woman here, have you considered that perhaps since your wife did this in plain sight of you that she is reaching out to you in the only form of desperation that she knows will get your attention? I would say that she definitely got it finally...
I think regarding 180s that you need to look at your goals and what the 180s are...having her pay for half the expense sounds more controlling to me than a 180. How has your relationship been through the years...Who was the pursuer and who was the distancer...or were you both distancers? Her desire to be needed is human...and she was brave to tell you this...what can you do to make her feel needed? Sounds like your wife doesn't perhaps feel this right now...threatening to take her son away from her...as a mother that would cause me tremendous pain to have my child torn from me...just a mother's thoughts here.
Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? very good book and it may give you some insight as to the reason she did this...
Thank you Lisa and NYS, will definitely take you up on that read.
Unfortunately, Wife did did not do it in plain site of me - she had no idea I was there.
The problem is, she wants to be needed by someone who she wants. And she doesn't want me.
Regarding my 180 I see it was a bad idea which is why I am grateful for this forum to help me think before I act. Encourages me to use it even more often in the future.
Last night I saw a movie called "The House of D" where the estranged wife of a man who is struggling tells him " A man is a man no matter where he is. I need you to be this man."
Will see what happens in next meeting, but things are starting to look like maybe I should hang around awhile, even if it means dealing with constant bile in throat from proximity of OM
I second Spitfire's welcome. I remember how devastated I felt when I found out about my WS's affair. All I can say is that the pain does lessen over time, though it doesn't go away. Other reads which have helped me are:
Spring, "After the Affair" Glass, "Not Just Friends"
I didn't see any of the infidelity in person; your experience must have been horrifying. I did get a letter from the OM's wife describing pretty much everything, so I am familiar with the pain.
By the way, I have a reputation on this board as a sort of verbal abuser, attack dog or Triumph the Comic Insult Dog (I don't know who that is). I guess some people can't take a little honest reaction. Anyway, welcome.
"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms, 1929.
Michael, your instinct is quite natural...flight or flight...I've been around horses a bit too much perhaps...but it is also considered a human instinct...instead of stepping back and gaining a perspective on the situation we so quickly react and truly it is normal.
But if you step back, look at the big picture and do some research, reading, visiting the BB you will find such a wealth of information that will guide you...this will be the rollercoaster ride of your life, just ask any of us here we've been riding it for a bit some of us just months and some for a couple of years from what I have read.
Just take it slow...as my DB coach told me, time is your friend, you must learn patience...
Thank you Lisa. You and the others have already made me feel welcome and supported here.
I really appreciated your comment that "time is your friend."
It feels exhausting on the surface because WAW and I had been together for fifteen years, and then seperated these past three years, so there has already been a lot of time that has passed. Time where it seems to me that I have already demonstrated more than my fair share of patience.
And yet I have only been actively divorce busting for the past couple of months, so I have to wrap my head around being at the beginning of an uncertain road.
But that's where my ex-wife (first time I have EVER called her that) that's where she says she wants to be too. At the start of a real friendship. Says she:
"...can't even think about anything else until we are friends so please f*** off and leave me alone until we are friends and its none of your goddamn business who I sleep with."
I know, I know, time is on my side.
Truckin'
got my chips cashed in
Keep truckin' like the doo-dah man
together, more or less in line, just keep truckin on...
Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me;
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurrs to me what a looooooong strange trip its been!
Just wanted to take a few minutes and connect with all you disembodied but beautiful spirits. I have been spending some time these past couple of days reading more about your personal situations.
There is so much pain and suffering going on for all of us that I am even more committted to doing my best to remain connected to my own Highest Power. To develop and maintain those feelings and resources within myself that are greater than my challenges.
It is my intention, but obviously no simple task, to rise above the drama of my own situation, and offer more comfort and support to others. I know that no matter how long its been, one day there will be more happiness in my life. Being there for others, who I know are also there for me, reinforces my value and self-worth. Gives me something good to think about.
For me it is quite ironic because I am also in the business of giving people guidance and support to improve their quality of life, yet this one area of my life is often all-consuming. It leaves me an emotional basket case prone to a lot of stupid (okay, human) behavior.
Have been trying to get to a place where I am accepting of OM in WAW's life. The symbol of my weakness and despair in this area is driving by her house to see what she is doing. That's how I happened to see them together the other day.
It bothers me on so many different levels, but one of the things that bugs me most is that I know I am so much bigger than that. So much more than my current behavior.
Two days ago wife once again insisted I stay away from her. To give her more time and space and she would talk to Michelle and I in our session next Friday.
I have to keep that in my mind because having her talk to Michelle is the absolute best thing in the world for us right now, and I totally put that at risk by driving by last night and also this morning to see if he was there. (He wasn't. Big deal.)
OM is so insignificant to this. Nothing more than a plastic vibrator soon to be discarded. Her vibrator never threatened me and neither does this guy.
What scares me is that I know I am competing against all her overwhelming negative impressions of me. All the times that I have hurt her, and all the pain and damage that I also remind her of, that she has also inflicted upon me.
She SOOOO wants to get passed our past that why would she ever risk the possibility of going back to it, or getting into a situation where there's always the possibility of it recurring? Or even just reminding her of it?
Funny how the answer is always in the question. The more precise the question, the more precise the answer.
The answer is she wont. Not ever. Never. Not in a gazillion years will she go back to what we were. Good news is I know that neither will I, and I think she might suspect it herself but doesn't quite know how to believe it at the moment.
All she can focus on is friendship. SHe says this to me again and again and again and like an idiot I hear it everytime and am failing to give her the time and space she needs.
BUT ITS ALREADY BEEN EIGHTEEN YEARS OF GIVING HER TIME AND SPACE AND WHATEVER ELSE SHE NEEDS my mind screamingly insists.
But no. Not in a way that she could really see or appreciate in any way that made reliable sense to her.
Yesterday I started reading the 5 Languages of Love and that has given me comfort. Now that I'm aware of certain things, I know there's no way "Pop 'n Fresh" (my name for the OM pillsbury dough-boy. He who has more money than God but a litte extra around the waistline) no way he or any other man can ever compete with me when it comes to understanding my wife's language of love.
They can offer temporay pleasure, but I can provide long term happiness. I'm sure that when push comes to shove, she will at least give me that chance before truly committing to someone else.
Plus, by then I will be back on my feet enough to be at peace with whatever she is doing and having so much fun with our kids that no matter how much she's doubting or hurting or denying us now, wouldn't she at least want to give us one authentic chance to be a happy couple? To be a happy family?
I think so. What do you think?
In a few days I'm going to start focusing more on your posts and being a better friend to each of you. Not quite there today, but it's something I am moving towards.
Sounds like you are getting your head together and moving forward in such a positive way...love it!!
Me to...In fact, I am going to start a new thread in a bit as I finish my notes. But I think I am going to start it in Separated Now What? Because we are??? Not sure if that is the right place because everyone knows me here...but since I know am refocused and working on a game plan who knows???
Time is still on our side my friend. Keep your chin up, read and read...and if you haven't already done so...so spend some quality time in the Newcomers thread and read every single thread in there...and then when you are done...read it again. I stayed up last night reading for inspiration before I started writing my new goals and my game plan.
We can do this...to quote GunsNRoses....All we need is a little patience...
Friends, (Hm. First time that word has comfortably rolled off my tongue in years!)
Thank you for your support over the past couple of days. I have decided to start a new thread not in "Single-Now What?" but in "Divorced But Not Done!"
I think it is best for me not to dwell on the pain and ugliness of what I am feeling, but immediately start looking for a better meaning.
Not sure where I saw it, but the other day I read a post that was so beautiful. It was about suddenly being blinded and learning to see in other ways.
I wrote down what the author said, and I'd like to thank whoever it was that wrote it, because it has given me another reliable foot hold to help me climb out of despair.
She wrote:
"To make a long story short, I do want to be friends at this point because my marriage IS over. Wether we can build a new one using our other abilities is what I want to find out now and I can't do that until all of the old feelings are out of the way."
This is exactly how I feel and I think my wife may even feel it a little too.
Will check in with you all a little further down the road as our paths continue to cross.
Michael, it's best if u stay with one thread at a time and fill it up. If you replicate threads, it'll quickly get impractical for people to catch up and comment knowingly.
About your goals... any of them about reading and applying DR if u haven't already?
Also about your goals, better to have goals that about your own personal growth and GAL, rather than timetables for WASs to move back in on. WASs are on their own timetables, and you'll only find yourself readjusting timetables or growing impatient, or both. Your focus should be squarely placed on yourself, examining what your part was in all this, making improvements in how you would've handled things so as to be better prepared for the next go 'round and about your filling your life with your own interests.
