Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again What to do next?

I find myself in a difficult place. W will not agree to C, says issues are her's, but doesn't need a C to tell her the problems again. She can't see how things will change, so guesses it's just a suffer through the rest of life attitude. Some days I feel like the hired help. Like's to refer to things as her's, right in front of me (belongings, finances), and doesn't consult me on things as basic as discipling, scheduling activities, and acceptable clothing for children. Of course you could imagine how this goes over with teenagers and how this makes me look. When she can't believe how the kids behave some days it's all I can do to hold my tongue.

Some days it just feels like W can't stand the thought of maybe she might be wrong and is to proud to let the healing take place, doesn't want to face R work in the future, would rather be a single mom, and have all the sympathy on her and the blame on me. But this seems to be the popular way to do things at her work, she would have to face some serious crow and scrutiny from her fellows if she didn't follow this through and have it her way. What her peers think is very important to her, regardless of the price the rest of us have to pay. Some days I might see a glimmer of light, some days it looks the old heals are digging in.

Do I see a day where she will come to me and say, I was wrong, forgive me, not likely. Possible change of heart, a chance and my current goal. Will I make it, probably. I am known for sticking it out to the end. My kids expect nothing less of me. Hopefully when it's all said and done I will still have my marbles.

We seem to be in quite the similar situation regarding spouses attitudes. If you don't mind the questions, how is the air between you? cordial, thick with tension, easy and fine.....???? and how do you handle it or deal with it? find your own space, hang around in the same room? Just selfishly looking for ideas for me.

Probably the best thing for me to do is draw out some sitchs and let you connect the dots. Can we sit in the same room and talk about anything (non R)? Yes, more and more frequently, with her quite often innitiating. Sometimes to the extent I find myself wondering how the heck she can open up so much to me, share so much and not feel that she is in love with me. She is generally a shy person, who doesn't share too much personal stuff with others. Who would she share so much with? Someone she loves and feels is a friend.

Does she now pull out picture albums and look back in positive manner? Yes. Does she fuss over the kids with affection (almost too obvious) but only slightly recognize me? Yes. Does she initiate physical contact/affection? No. In fact, avoids any sitch that might lead to anything. Has the air improved? Most definately. How have I done it? Let's see if I can put this in words.

First off I would say I have followed some of the basics taught in DR. Don't hover/pursue/brow beat her into doing what I believe is right. Don't try to teach her anything, this is something she has to figure out. Detach and rediscover yourself, without causing damage to R. (Too often our spouses misapplication of this approach got them to where they are to begin with (EA/PA)). Become upbeat and understanding without being overt about it.

Do all these things sincerely and with love. If you do they really can't help but warm up. Right now my biggest issue is how she can still be hung up about S** . But like all else here I'm just trying to pull back a little and let here heart warm up and common senses kick back in. I have been pleasently please how quite often there has been comments made by other sources that have to make her rethink how she felt when this broke.

Yes, this is worth it, we just have to figure out how to make things work. Will our spouse(s) get it together? We'll see, but it won't be from lack of my(our) effort. Detach, refocus and enjoy what you do have. It doesn't guarantee success, but you do have right on your side, so at least the odds are on your side. The question is really, how long is he willing to fight the current?

I am following your sitch, just not saying much. I'm not real big on airing out problems in front of others, even on this board. Some times I wonder if W has been checking this board, so I'm cautious.

[color:"blue"] Some times I wonder if W has been checking this board, so I'm cautious. [/color]
I know that feeling..... email or IM? is that an option with you?

Right now I am back to zero, maybe +.5, with H. True, our schedules that last few nights don't put us together, but we don't even communicate about what we did or didn't do. I know from the past that H feels it when I shut down, and he thinks then that I am mad at him, and so then he mirrors me, when I think it started with him, and we can't get out of the circle. So going 'dark' doesn't really feel like it will make any difference for me, except I get miserable and he doesn't care. It feels like nothing I do makes any difference in his reaction or lack of. It's just total shut out. I still need to figure out how to apply without damage to the R.

Thanks.

Personally, I don't care if H sees my postings. Might shake him up a bit, since lately he is taking things for granted, and I am letting him. You talk about ML - well, my H has not been interested for some time now. I don't know what it is, but I have decided to adopt the wait and see attitude. Up until the last time he decided he wanted the D, and that he really "didn't love me after all" (so tired of hearing those words), and my discovering that he had still been in contact with OW (up until early April), I had been doing most of the initiating. This time, I will not do it. No way, no how!

Okay, enough about me. Phoenix, perhaps it's the guilt that's making your W and my H uninterested in sex. They may not think they feel guilty, but it must be there somewhere, and maybe this is how it is manifesting itself. Patience is probably the only way to go, otherwise one becomes resentful which is what was happening with me. I figure, he'll come around sometime. It is frustrating, I know. Just find other things to do and stuff to occupy your mind. I am glad I am studying right now.

Just keep working at your goals, and reworking them as you reach some, and find others. I find my goals have evolved, and continue to do so as I work on myself.

Hope the Christmas season brings some small miracles for you and your family.

Yes, I have been patient. So far things do seem to be moving in the right direction. Compared to a year ago, yes things are much better. But there is still a lot of ground to cover. Christmas still should be good. I wasn't to sure last year if we would make it to this year, but we have and at least things are moving. More to come tomorrow.

Hi - Tomorrow is here

Slowly

I appologize for leaving you hanging. Between the lack of certainty/excitement that I had in my desire for my R, I have been fairly busy. The big question is, will my old W change back to the loving girl I married or is she just going to float along at the "this is what you get" mode? Honestly I don't know if I can reconnect with the "new her". Maybe I'm just getting tired of this whole thing and I didn't feel my thread was catching anyone's eyes. All the people I started out with here have moved on, and my trip looks like it's going to go on forever.

Sorry to be such a downer, but that's where I'm at. Like I said before, I didn't think I would make it through this year, but I have. So for today I will look at this as a positive.

Phoenix, I said something very similar to that, about not thinking another year would come and go and we'd still be together. So, that means we're not doing something right. We're stuck in those ruts, and not doing enough to change what's not working. I sure don't have the answers, or I'd use them myself and hand them to you too. But, if what you've been doing isn't working, or working enough, then change it.

I always look forward to your posts, I get such a close feeling to my own problems from what you write. I just wish I had the answers for us.

Hi Phoenix! We haven't all left. I certainly still check out the forum, and especially your thread. My H and I may be reconciled, but I still wonder if I did the right thing staying in this marriage. Time only will tell, but then I wonder if I should waste too much time on someone I don't trust, so it seems it's a neverending thing. Oy! I am giving my marriage this next year, and if I still don't feel I can trust my H, then I think it will be time to make a change.

In the meantime, I get on with my life, improving what I can, seeking out the old me, and trying to have some fun. I think that's all we can do. We shouldn't have to change or struggle to save our marriages (yes, reconnect with the person you were when you first met, and definitely give the other person a chance to come back, but certainly not completely under their rules).

I still don't know what I did to keep my M - I feel that my H hasn't given up the OW (I see no evidence of it, but he is still passive-aggressively manipulative, doesn't discuss our R, and still not interested in ML), so who knows, 'eh! I am just hoping for a time when I know that now is when I leave, or now is when I really stay.

Hope the New Year brings you answers to your questions, and much peace and love in your life.