I hate to tell you this...but what you've described is my H to a "T". He's not gay, if I arouse him everything works...but I'm always the one to have to start things off (in some way). Now as to YOUR daughter. I understand what you are saying, that he is the only "father" she's ever known...but do not go forward with the adoption proceedings until and if you marry. You do not want to add that complication to the mix if things do not work out.
That's not to say you would have to cut him out of her life if things don't work out, if they are close it's completely up to you if they have contact.
The only reason I say this is from what you say...he sounds much like my H and well....nothing much has changed with us in nearly 3 years. HE has to make a choice to step up and make changes that are lasting....all too often IMPO the changes that take place are temporary and simply do not last.
Be VERY prepared for this process to take a long time, be very prepared for the possibility that what you want may not ever happen....be VERY prepared for many disappointments to come your way. If you can ready yourself for these things, steele yourself for some very frank no-holds-barred communication with him and, entrench yourself for a long hard battle.....you might come out on the other end a much healthier and happier couple who is able to work through their problem or at the minimum come to a compromise that you can live with. But you really need to put some thought into this and be honest with yourself....if what he's providing you with now is the best he will ever do, is it something you can live with for the rest of your life? Unfortunately the sad fact is....that is your possible future, you need to be very honest with yourself.
Many people, when confronted with the SSM issue, will initially put up a front for the discontented SO in the R saying "they will do what it takes to fix the problem" or something else similar....and we buy it....but they don't follow-through. Be prepared to call him out on his promises if he doesn't follow-through on them (ie: the Dr.'s appointment).
My H became infamous for his course of action in "fixing" our problem...which was inaction. He made me many promises...but NEVER followed through. Not until I told him we either do xyz...or we won't have another anniversary. Even still...another 1.5 years down the road....he only makes real efforts when he knows I've reached the end of my proverbial rope once again...and then they are only temporary.
I know I sound like Mrs. Doomngloom here...but what I'm trying to give you is simple honesty. The cold hard fact of what you may be facing...so you can prepare yourself for what you have to deal with. There are people out there who have had some success with LDH's/ LDBF's....so I'm not trying to say it can't happen, just trying to prepare you for the fact that if you do have success...it most likely will not happen quickly, it's going to take time, it's going to take a lot of understanding from you, and it's going to take buttloads of perseverance from you as well.
I'm here pulling for you and wishing you the absolute best! GEL
This sounds like my H to a T as well. We have (or I should say I have) been having this problem for about 3 years. I am just at a loss on what to do. Just like Luvs, my husband and I have a great relationship other than the sex. I have HD and when we first me I thought he did too. But after we got married it went from great to bad to worse. Now we have sex about 1 a week if that. And when we do have sex, it lasts like a min and he is done. He is only 36 and I am 34. It frustrates me beyond belief. I have communicated this problem so many different ways and to no avail. I might as well be talking to the wall because it falls on deaf ears.
Last night we had sex, he initiated (because that is the only time we have it....is when HE wants it). It literally took about 1 minute for his climax and he asked if he could sleep for a little while and wake me up later. I was pissed. I was like, don't bother. I don't know what happend to him. It used to be the best sex of my life. He could go for hours, now I know he climaxes easy because we hardly do it any more, but come on. I blew up. I cant take it anymore. I told him that I don't want to have sex with him anymore, that all it does is make me frustrated beyond belief and I would rather not deal with it anymore. I told him I have been telling him for years that it has been a problem and that he doesn't seem to care enough to fix it.
He then turn like the victim and says that I should get rid of him and because he is a faliure as a husband...blah blah blah...I am so sick of hearing that BS. Along with all the excuses WHY he doesn't feel like having sex. If anyone can help out by telling me what works and what doesn't (obviously blowing up at him doesn't- I know that, just cant help it at times)....that would be great. And I certainly didn't mean to hijack Luvs thread, just feel EXACTLY like her.
You aren't alone there either. My LDH and I have sex on average now about once every 4-5 weeks, and then when it does happen....like you it's over in about a minute. Very fast. Lately even when he does attempt to satisfy me manually first...there's absolutely no EC, no kissing, nothing other than trying simply to touch that one spot that he thinks gives me an "O". The lack of any real EC makes it that much more difficult for me to even get there.
It's a difficult road to walk as a SSS (sex starved spouse :-) Don't let your H get away with that self-depricating talk either, tell him you don't want to hear it. I find they often do that in order to gain sympathy from us...it's almost a way of distracting us from the real problem, because then we are busy feeling sorry for them.
Tell him there are things within HIS control but that he has to step up and do them. That's what I've done with my LDH. I've told him the path I see our M heading down, but that he's in COMPLETE control of which path our M actually takes when it does hit that fork in the road.
BTW...has your H been to see a Dr? If he used to be able to go for quite some time and now doesn't...I'm wondering why that is. My LDH has never been able to last for very long....but then again, he doesn't have sex but maybe once every 4-5 weeks either.
He doesn't have a problem with premature ej. until recently. I think it is honestly because we go without for days, or weeks. So when we do have it, it gets overly excited. He just doesn't seem to think we have a big of a problem as I DO. I just don't understand the whole thing. When we do have it, some times its good, sometimes its bad. Either way, I don't think he cares which is which. And I am so sick of wanting wanting wanting.....it just makes me want it even more. Kind of like going on a diet, when you know you cant have that candy, man, you just want a bite of it soooo bad. Then of course I turn it around on me....its it me? do I not do it for him? am i unattractive to him? I don't know the answers, and when I ask him he acts as if everything is in my head.....UGGG.
I would never cheat on him, I respect him and our marriage to do that, but OMG if it doesn't change soon, I don't know how much more I can take. A friend of mine told me, OK...if you leave H and find someone who does satisfy you sexually, but your relationship sucks, would that be better.......NO...I just want him to want me and I don't know how to wake his A$$ up!
Quote: He doesn't have a problem with premature ej. until recently. I think it is honestly because we go without for days, or weeks. So when we do have it, it gets overly excited.
After he reads the book he has no excuse to wam, bam you.
Some men have the same problem in reverse. the wife saying "are you about done" or "make it quick" both situations suck/don't get a chance to suck or poke?
