Jo, I completely agree (but then, you knew I would) with everything you said. Be prepared for him to attempt to lure you back to him once he sees your indifference towards him.
You are still so young and you will find someone that will respect and appreciate you. Don't settle for less. Wish I could give you a hug. You have so many good things coming up, build on them and be happier than you've ever been before!!!!
Quote: That's why I just can't be there for them and don't plan on being a part of their lives; I know some people on here think harshly of me for not trying to see them more, but he's so freaking controlling that I can't. If he can get so het up about me telling my DD1 not to wear earrings (which I can, she is after all my DD), then I just can't put myself through the stress of trying to parent them.
Jo - I KNOW he drives you crazy and hurts you. But are you willing to put your own hurt above the damage that will be caused to your girls by being raised by this drug-addled jerk?
I beg you to keep what contact you can with your girls. They are going to need you desperately when they are older. He is NOT a good parent.
The way I see it is, he's already driven me to 3 suicide attempts and 2 hospitalisations - admittedly they all date in 2002 and prior, but there have been several times since I have been almost driven crazy and at least twice this year where I've thought I simply can't take anymore.
That time he backed off again in April, I didn't eat or sleep for 4 days. The way I see it, if I stay around he will drive me insane and then end up with DD4, which is how he got DD3 and basically how he got all of them now I think of it.
Then none of them will have a mother and it'll be even worse than now. Every time he is in my life, doing things like this, it impacts on DD4 as I'm crying in front of her, snapping, not paying attention etc etc. She's all I have left so I want to make it work with her.
She lives with me and I want her life to be happy. I also know the limited involvement I get with my other DD's is so little that I couldn't make any difference to their lives; certainly I have no say in how they're brought up so I can't counter anything even if he is a bad parent.
Whenever I try to have more of a say, there is always hell to pay, and I am truly exhausted of court hearings etc. I first went to court aged 24. I'm not giving away anymore of my life for pointless hearings where no one will listen anyway. He knows how to manipulate the system just like he manipulates me.
I wanted them to be schooled, the court wouldn't listen. I am not allowed a copy of their education report because they don't reside with me and when I asked, I was told to ask Andy. He runs the local home ed group so I can't attend that.
I was not included in any of DD2's psychology sessions, although the psychologist did let me know she was attending.
I cannot take them to the GP if they are sick, as they don't live with me and when DD1 broke her elbow, I phoned the hospital for information and they wouldn't tell me how she was without father's permission.
I am never invited to any Christmases or anything else, although he does come here sometimes if I ask him to bring them.
When my DD's learn how to write, he didn't send me any of their work. They lost baby teeth, I didn't know.
He lets me have 'visitation' sometimes (not amounting to more than 1 day a week unless he's got something on), and even then, strictly policed by what I can and cannot do with them, and he lets me buy them things. He always accepts clothing and shoes that I get for them, and has nagged me to take them on holiday once a year - I suppose so he doesn't have to pay for it.
You tell me how I can raise kids like that? I am SO unhappy and it isn't fair on DD4. I told him the night I came home from the egg donation, that he was driving me so crazy, he'd end up taking our girls to visit me in a cemetary because I am just going insane.
I wouldn't turn them away if they needed me, but I'm not going out of my way to be there when that means jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
I've had counselling (numerous times), anti-depressants (numerous kinds), group therapy, life-coaching (2 years worth) and all the DB'ing I can handle. I don't know how else to help myself or them.
When he returned DD4 this evening, he also returned two of my jumpers (that the girls had borrowed), and included 2 of his dad's Christmas puddings, some custard and an apology for his behaviour - well, I've heard it all before. I've a good mind to make up the custard and pour it over his head
Then he gave me his safety seat for DD4 and a load of cardboard and said could I store it here for a bit as he has nowhere to put it while he is shifting his dad's furniture. I told him he was being rude and presuming but he left it here anyway.
DD4 told me that DD1 is coming to stay here. I haven't heard anything about this so I asked her why she thought that and she said that daddy told her in the car on the way here that DD1 was coming to stay here.
Today I was looking at Christmas Hampers because I want all our food home delivered this year (can't be bothered with the hassle of pushing a cart round a shop with millions of people all shoving me), and last orders are 1st December.
DD4 was sitting on my knee, looking too, and then she spotted the chocolates and we had this really funny convo I wanted to share!
DD4: Mummy, I want some sweeties.
Me: I haven't got any sweeties.
DD4: Well, buy some then.
Me: I'm not buying any.
DD4: Well, ask a man to buy them for us.
Me: I don't have a man.
DD4: Yes you do.
Me: No I don't. What man?
DD4: Daddy. He's your man.
Me: No he isn't.
DD4: Yes he is.
Me: He doesn't live here.
DD4: So? He's still your man.
Me: Okay then, I'll ask him to buy us some Irish coffee and some chocolate liqueurs and you a year's supply of sweeties.
Actually I'm pretty down even though I'm kidding around. I need some more help with GAL. I do quite a bit of stuff but I feel it's not enough for me and I am getting tearful on and off.
Some days I'm fine but other days not. To give people more of an idea of my lifestyle, I run a voluntary organisation where I produce a newsletter 3 to 4 times yearly. This amounts to several days hard work, once every 3 or 4 months.
I also run a helpline all the time. In busy times I have 6 to 7 calls a day. If there is a 'scare' on the TV or I have been advertised, I have had up to 50 messages daily. In quiet times it's only 1 or 2 calls a day and some days none. It's the quiet times which are worse as I have less to distract me.
As well as this I also sell books via the internet and sometimes on stalls and I do banking 1 to 2 times a month, tax return once a year, book keeping on a weekly basis (only takes 20 minutes a time). All of this I don't make a profit on, just make enough to keep the organisation running - although I do profit from titles I wrote. In quiet times it only amounts to 10 or 12 hours a week - extra if I have interviews with people.
I write articles for magazines, just as and when. Some months I write several, and some months not any. Any work I do for this is in the evenings.
When writing my books, I do this when Andy has DD4 for the weekend and I write the whole weekend she is gone. Once titles are finished, I do some publicity etc but again, this is always just a few hours here and there after DD4 has gone to bed.
Once they start selling I don't have to physically do much work, I just wait to get paid, which is quarterly.
So I hope you're getting that it's not 9 to 5 work, not regular, apart from banking and posting orders, I don't have to leave the house so I don't meet others like you would in an office. The only times I meet people is when someone wants to interview me or in the summer when I run book stalls.
It still leaves free hours so I go to a Steiner group with DD4 on Tuesday mornings, I take her to a state toddler group on Wednesdays, Dance class on Thursdays. I go to ocassional computer classes when I can get a babysitter, I go grocery shopping and always treat myself to a cream tea in the cafe every week, once every 2 months I go to a spiritual group (can't get there anymore often because of the expense). I work with the writer's college of journalism and write articles for them from home. Doing the coursework takes up some time.
I was an egg donor (took up loads of time going to clinic) but not anymore, it's over.
I spend 3 hours a week taking my DD to nursery school and back.
My best friend I visit once a week; my other friend I used to visit once a week but don't anymore since her bf moved in and she got a job in a care home. I see her once a month if I'm lucky.
I have no other friends and no other family aside from Andy and my girls, and you all know that situation.
I have a holiday planned, and several days out in the next few weeks. I am spending Christmas Day with my family this year for the first time since we split (planning on opening my sofa out flat and putting a tablecloth over it to make it into a huge table - the only way I can feed all those people in this tiny house!).
So you know it's not as if I don't have a life, but it's not enough. I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm upset.
I've tried dating agencies but they are just full of creeps who want to have cyber sex with me.
Well, I can't play pool, or do most sports or exercise class because of my disability. I used to horse ride when I was a teenager but had to give that up due to my VS.
I don't have a car so I do walk most places and probably walk 2 or 3 miles a week, so that's exercise.
My computer class I only get to once in a blue moon as my babysitter fell through when she got a job and Andy just isn't flexible to accomodate me.
I have joined a spiritual group (a bit like a church), but it's in the next town along and so costs me a fortune to get there so I only go once every 2 months. No one talks to me, except if I take DD4, then they talk to me because she is there, and I have a cup of tea afterwards.
I have done courses before (improving your child's vocabulary with story telling, and First Aid) but I never seem to make friends.
This is a really poor area and most other mothers were lucky if they finished school, smoke cigarettes, and only interested in TV and their kid etc. I feel like I have nothing in common with them so it's hard to make friends when you have no similar interest.
I can talk babies for hours but that gets boring after a while.
I have looked into cookery classes, script writing classes, law etc, but all of these clash with DD4's nursery school times so I can't do it.
There's only one person I would ask to babysit and since she works all the time I don't like to ask more than once every couple of months. I have babysat her son but then she's done me other favours.
I can't go to bars/clubs on my own, or the cinema, or a restaurant. These are things you do as a couple, and at any rate, I am scared of being attacked.
I have applied to work with the police on the CCTV cameras, but again, that's work, not pleasure.
I've just changed my book website. It used to be grey (gray, I mean ) and now I've changed it to red for Christmas and changed some of the text.
I've added an extract from the book about my disasterous Christmas 2001 (very very BIG nightmare) to make the whole page kinda 'Christmasy themed' in the run up to Dec 25.
Was it better gray or is it okay red? Also, what do you think of the text? Is it too much? Should I shorten the extract?
