Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Hanging on this Merry Go Round #4

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Spent some time with my horse, having fun working on continued training with her, it would be nice to have input from H but……..he doesn’t seem to have much interest in the horse stuff the last few months.

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This is TOO FREAKY! I just said this earlier today, and tonight H spends time in the arena with me and asks if I want his opinions and ideas about my horse. Is he reading? does he know? is this coincidence? do I give up this life support BB?

And I feel like crapola. The first time I don't hang out at home from the minute I get off work in town - we have a mare that is lame. H was out doing chores when I got home, and walked in when I was putting my boots on. H wanted to know where the medicine was for horses, needed it for this mare. Crap. I wasn't here, and this mare may not come out of this, ever. Would she still have gotten injured if I was here? probably. Would I feel better if I was here and knew about it? yes. And I'm off to town playing f&*^%))! games to get my husband back. Stupid, this is all so cotton pickin' stupid.

WCW, the company I work for makes all natural horse products, designed for racehorses and stuff. It is times like these that I wish there were a way to promote the stuff a little more because it seriously saves horses. Ones that have been given up on and all. Anyway, I think you can find my email down there if you want to know any more.

You know, I find that the minute I vent on here about something, he starts paying attention too. I've often wondered if he WAS reading this! I doubt it though. Hope your mare feels better.

Stringhalt. Vet said see how she is in a few weeks after being on bute, but not much you can do about it, surgery isn't a good option. She is in foal to our World Champion Stud. Been poking around in our books and online to find out more about it but there isn't a whole lot of information about it. Couldn't find your email. Does your company have anything for stringhalt?

becca_1975@msn.com. There is not a product specifically for that, but a combination is often used. Some of our people have actually taken horses that were destined for the slaughterhouse and brought them home and the difference is amazing. I'll send you a link with some info if you want to email me and can set up with someone that you can call to get an idea.

Thanks Becca, I sent you an email. I'm not a person that thinks every horse needs to be saved from slaughter, sometimes that becomes the best option for some horses. But this mare is in foal and it sure would be great to get another foal from her out of our stud. The foals from that combo are good looking and always in the money and placing high.

Speaking of horses, I heard some clatter out on the lawn and went to see what was the matter..........horses everywhere!!! someone has gotten pretty smart about opening gates. But, H did get up and help, I got some early morning excercise, and because we were both up early and out of routine, we had some nice exchange of conversation today. So if that's what it takes, I'll have to sneak out in the middle of the night and open the gate myself!

Busy day here, we're a small office and half the staff has already called in and won't be here today. And I'm supposed to set up snacks for the 9am meeting I am involved in. Yikes!

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do I give up this life support BB?

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Don't you dare!

Could he really know your screen name? You've been very discreet--I think I remember that you even changed the name you started with.

I love the idea of you opening that gate in the wee hours of the morning!

A few things to ponder on -
- Conversation early yesterday morning consisted of me asking H if he had some time during the day we could make fence, easier with two people, and I could coordinate and take time off work. He couldn't remember his schedule and would have to look in his palm pilot first, I said but please let me know by the end of my work day. Also about talking to new land renter.
- H called midday (surprise) to let me know his morning schedule all changed and he got a bunch of fence posts in and I would need to pick up supplies from the farm store. I was in the middle of a meeting at work and said I would have to call him back, would he be available. He said yes for awhile, he had to drop off the mortgage payment (first time ever, that's another story) and then on to his appointments. I did call back and he answered, and we just retalked basically what he had already said.
- Got home to a bunch of surprises, critters everywhere (again!) and a new pile of gravel. huh? we've needed gravel for over a year, but for 5 years I'd ask H about what size gravel etc, and order it, and it was always wrong, every time, and H would criticize me. I quit doing it, said just make the phone call yourself. Well, I guess he finally did.
- I was outside pretty late last night, after 7pm, and H came home and came to help me finish chores. Went inside, heated up leftovers, and we both crashed early. No conversation.

Things continue to bug me, H absolutely will not include me in any of his thoughts or pieces of his day. Maybe the gravel was supposed to be a pleasant surprise, and it was, but he kept it a secret so it spoiled the pleasantness for me. I'm sure he knows it, which is why he continues.

Plusses -
+new gravel! yeah!
+the mare seemed better last night
+H takes an interest in the place and puts gravel down
+H slipped out in conversation that he DID make the mortgage payment. Anyone remember that I had said that we had to make changes to our financial arrangements? and things would have to be prorated more according to income so I didn't have the majority of expense with the lower income? I wanted to buy things I need/want too instead of just paying all the bills and begging him to help with what I couldn't cover? This month I left a check for partial mortgage payment along with the bill on the table and told H the rest was up to him. Supposedly it's been paid.
+so even though he won't verbalize anything to me, his actions are talking a different language. He shows interest in the place with some repairs and maintenance, yes that is HUGE.

The other thing I am now unsure of came out in TJ's thread in Newcomers. Couples activities are considered pursuit. Wow! we have so many couples things because of all the things we are involved in. Tonight we go to the same meeting, we have friends that invite us both for dinner, we have an awards banquet to attend Saturday night....holidays and my family.....etc...... What do I do about all that? Geez, I just get more confused.

WCW - What a fabulous list of positives. Here is my perspective

Got home to a bunch of surprises, critters everywhere (again!) and a new pile of gravel. huh? we've needed gravel for over a year, but for 5 years I'd ask H about what size gravel etc, and order it, and it was always wrong, every time, and H would criticize me. I quit doing it, said just make the phone call yourself. Well, I guess he finally did.

Well done H, right? What was your response to the fact that he did something you have been asking for a long time? I mean, did his efforts gain any reward that he would feel inclined to do what you ask for again? If he was a colleague at work, or a friend, who had done something important for you (forget the 5 year history) how would you have reacted?

Things continue to bug me, H absolutely will not include me in any of his thoughts or pieces of his day.

Yeah, many of us have been through this. Have you read Mars/Venus by any chance? Sometimes its just as simple as people being wired differently. NG processes things and will communicate almost after he has acted on his decision, whereas I like to talk about my options to death before making a decision This is a comfort zone thing, he will open up if he feels there will be no judgement, criticism and only support. Give it time, and consistent demonstration on your part that you are interested, without pursuing.

H slipped out in conversation that he DID make the mortgage payment.

Congratulations! So you will be doing more of the same? Leaving your portion for him to add his share and make payment? Looks like he responds when you show him you trust him to do things, like settle the payment. Something worth building on. Did you say thank you nicely

Slowly

Hi slowly, some responses and clarification, but I'm just not in a good spot this week/month/season......
Well done H, right? What was your response to the fact that he did something you have been asking for a long time? I mean, did his efforts gain any reward that he would feel inclined to do what you ask for again? If he was a colleague at work, or a friend, who had done something important for you (forget the 5 year history) how would you have reacted? Sure, it was great to see gravel in the yard, but what I didn't add to my list because I wanted it to be a positive action without negative was - a few weeks ago when I located H at OW's place she had a pile of gravel in her yard. So where do you suppose he got the idea about gravel? And now, half the pile is spread out and the other half still sits in the middle of the yard, and everything is froze and snow covered, won't get above freezing for another week. So, every time I drive in the driveway and over that gravel for the rest of my life and I see that pile sit there until who knows when, I will be reminded of the day that H was at OW again. Not that he isn't there way more often than that, I just don't know about each time. So, I have been like him in that when I do something major he doesn't say anything, I didn't say a word or make any acknowledgement. I just can't say thank you to him knowing that OW had an influence in his decision to do something.

Give it time, and consistent demonstration on your part that you are interested, without pursuing. Give me some examples of how I can be interested without pursuing. How do I ask without sounding like I am prying for information and making him mad? For instance, last night he got a phone call and it sounded like someone was reminding him about a party, H ended up saying ok I'll try and make that. Yet he wouldn't say another word to me or offer anything, and yes, I'm afraid to ask. And I'm afraid to ask where he was until 7:30 at night, when I know he absolutely does not work that many hours.
Congratulations! So you will be doing more of the same? Absolutely, at least until he throws a fit or misses the payment. I need some financial relief in my budget, and as long as H can run around the country on vacations as well as keep spending money and buying everything he wants for himself, then he can take more financial responsibility for the bills too. I wish it was something we could plan together like we used too, make the best financial decisions jointly. I've asked and tried to no avail. My words fall on deaf ears, but my action got action. What I don't know yet is the repurcussion and fallout from that action, I expect it will still come in the form of other bills he wouldn't or didn't pay because he will say he had to make a huge portion of the mortgage payment.

The week so far - been pretty much crapola, as hard as I try to stay positive and focus on that I just can't. Yesterday I pretty much cried all day, had a late pm appt and got home 3.5 hours later than normal, the place was still dark. Now if I was living alone I could handle this, but when your spouse is supposed to be there it hits hard. And where is he so late? I can only assume OW, or house shopping, or house shopping with OW. It would only take a few words from H to clear away those sorts of thoughts, but he refuses and gets defensive if I ask. So I finally let the tears and sobs come, no people around to know, I was safe. I cried all thru chores, hugged my horse, my gut was telling me something was way wrong again and I was puking, I cried all the way back in the house, and decided that I could not continue living this way anymore. I went in the bedroom trying to finish crying and planning to pack some bags and leave, at least for the night or a few nights. I just have to have some space from that man who makes me so miserable. I don't know where to go, just somewhere. H gets home and comes and finds me in the bedroom, I'm still sobbing with my head in my hands. He asks if I'll help him start the skidloader, it's had some reoccuring electronic problem that cropped up again with the cold temps. We go out and get that running, work on a few other things, H made a comment that the work I did to move gates around seems to have made a difference and no critters have been out for 48 hours. We both stood around in the headlights of the skidloader, I felt like he wanted to do or say something else, or he was waiting for me to do something. What I wanted was to hug him and have his arms around me while I cried some more. But, he finally got back in the skidloader and we went on our business.

When we finally got back in the house, I put a pizza in the oven, the internet would connect but not work, and I wrote a letter my H. I spilled my guts and wrote it all out, but the more I wrote the angrier the letter got. I knew I wasn't going to give it to him anyway, so I just let it out. I cried the whole time. I didn't care if H saw me or not, he wouldn't acknowledge it anyway. I got so entranced in writing that the pizza was burnt when H finally took it out of the oven and asked if he could have some. So, with no internet working I turned the TV on, and we had some conversation about the show that was on. I believe that is better than no words at all.

This morning H walked in as I was finishing in the bathroom. I said with the subfreezing temps it would be almost impossible to keep making fence, but did he have any time we could try. He said this weekend, I said okay.

And here I am typing this all out with shaking fingers and can hardly get my coffee cup to my mouth without spilling. What's wrong with me? what's my gut telling me? I'm listening, but I don't know yet.

(((WCW))), I feel for you, feel so deeply. I am so sorry. WCW, Slowly makes this point:

Have you read Mars/Venus by any chance? Sometimes its just as simple as people being wired differently.

When I was reading that book, and while reading your post describing your H, I saw myself several years ago. I would get into this mode of isolation, I wouldn't talk, I would just react. I do not know your H, but it seems to me that he is in his 'cave' these days. I am not sure it has much to do with OW; it seems to me he just struggles within himself. Today I know that this is how I felt.

I know you tried many different things in the past, and didn’t get many results. But, maybe this is a different time, maybe if you try it again, he will respond. I am worried that current situation affects you too much in a negative way. I would try again things you've tried in the past. It cannot hurt, can it? I am thinking about you.