amd- BB buddy withdrawal, isn't that oh so true? PMA goes up when there is a response here. A friend! Cool! anesyr - you are good, setting goals and getting them knocked off your list. You're exactly right, I need that to happen for me!
It will still be hard work, frustrating, and determination to stay strong. I have to be the constant factor that never waivers, while H is wishywashy and needs the time to make up his mind that I am his best choice. I think he already knows this, but he may never make that choice because he can’t be wrong and he doesn’t know how to come back and ‘save face’. I have mixed feelings about having a conversation and just stating a few things so he knows these thoughts – I will accept him back and I want him in my life but our lives need to be better than this, I would like him to acknowledge that he has caused me much pain over the last two years (he has never made acknowledgement that he has done anything wrong that would hurt me), we are both strong people and can move on independently but we can better together, if he can’t commit to the rest of his life can he commit to 6 months so we can make a real try without the fear and dread of moving out everyday as this would take a big weight off my shoulders (eliminate the daily dread). I know, that’s breaking the rules again, but aren’t we supposed to change what’s not working?
My first incremental goal since yesterday was to initiate more physical contact. Middle of the evening H sent txt mssge about some business stuff and that he had another stop to make. I replied good about the business stuff and sorry he had to work all day and half the night too, and I’d be happy to trade back rubs. He didn’t respond, and I had a meeting and was gone when he got home. When I got back home I walked in and said Hi, we didn’t talk much, and I eventually went to bed. I wanted to give a hug but he was sitting with his laptop on his lap, and I know it didn’t go over very well last time I tried to remove his laptop from his lap, so I didn’t try. But this morning I was ready to leave for work and he was out of the shower, so I went to give him a hug and he gave me a one armed hug back. Maybe it was just surprise so he did, and I have to remember to do a hug at various times instead of routine expected times. Maybe one of these times I will really throw him into tilt and give him a peck on the cheek too.
More incremental goals – H initiates more communication H initiates more physical contact H accepts my physical contact We list and work on projects that need to be completed before winter – soon! Clean house!
I vacuumed this morning, a rarity for me. I have such a problem with being the only one that ever makes an attempt at cleaning while it takes both us to make a mess. H made a comment the floor looked nice. I reminded him tomorrow his xsil and her husband arrive with the new dog. They are driving accross half the country to bring their dog to us because they know it will have a wonderful happy home and they don't want it anymore. I hope we don't disappoint them too!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: More incremental goals – H initiates more communication H initiates more physical contact H accepts my physical contact
WCW, I do not want to be a pain in an a$$, nor I want to be a spoiler. I just want to be a good friend and supporter of yours.
From my experience, whenever I set goals that I have a little or no control over, I failed. I hope it would be differently in your case, but I would recommend to you to reconsider these goals. It is tough to make someone else to initiate communication or physical contact. G-d knows I experienced it! They need to want it. We cannot make them to do that.
Again, my humble opinion. Best of luck.
My latest life Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill
No pain no gain? not a problem, maybe I can explain a little better.
H initiate communication - for a while he was basically dark, while during better times he would call me daily as he was on his way to his first job. It took me a long time to even notice that he no longer called me and broke off all contact (guess I'm sorta dense in my own little foggy world, but then it turns out he was in constant contact with ow) but it was always during my work time and I almost felt some relief that he wasn't calling me at work everyday. Some of this contact has started coming back, although it seems in streaks. If I call or txt or email routinely, he clams up unless absolutely necessary to respond. If I stay quiet, he pops in with something almost everyday, even if it is late. So while I can't MAKE him communicate more, I can encourage it by not starting it.
H initiates more physical contact - pretty much the same as above. It's been painstakingly slow and nothing constant, but if I give a hint by brushing his back when we pass or even last weekend at the hotel he was sitting at a chair on the internet I walked up behind him and rubbed his neck and shoulders, he seems to come back with something in response in a while. I can't MAKE him but I can encourage it in small steps.
H accepts my physical contact - absolutely nothing I can do, but keep hoping. At least he didn't roll his eyes and put his hands on his hips or turn away this morning. But if I do nothing towards this goal, then it becomes so foreign to touch each other and it is awkward if we happen to bump into each other.
By the way, I can't even control the housekeeping, he's better at making the messes than I am at getting it cleaned up.
Does that clear up any mud? I do appreciate your support, and honesty.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, it does clear things up. Thanks. I guess it is a way you phrased these goals that drew my attention. But it seems you know exactly what you need to do to have him to be more responsive to you. This is so good, WCW. Keep it up. He will respond, it is just a matter of time. Best wishes. Always.
My latest life Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill
Time, it's worse than watching an hour glass, or a sun dial. H seems to be in a withdrawal mode again. Yesterday he seemed to accept my hug, today he made sure he was still in the shower when I left. Bummer. Pretty cool last night too, and I so wanted to ask for a backrub but felt it better to keep quiet. But I did start on the housecleaning goal....baby steps there too.
My PMA is a little low today already, gotta get it up. Yesterday I called H's daughter, I rarely do that (not sure why), but I just had such a strong feeling to talk to granddaughter. The young girl that is coming for riding lessons reminds me of GD and when she came last year to visit and was riding with me. So I called and talked a little bit, and she told me about when they visited with Dad while he was on his trip a few weeks ago. It hit me hard again, H never mentioned that they made the 4 hour drive to see him while he was that close. I'm glad they did, but couldn't he have just told me about their visit and filled me in a little bit? I guess not for whatever his reasons are for it. Our granddaughter is a little extra special, not just because she is sweet and the first grandchild, but she was born with a disease that required many operations and an organ transplant, and now she is in school and just like any normal young girl with the exception of twice a day medication. Anyway, granddaughter called me back last night, H answered, and she asked to talk to me. He handed me the phone, but never walked away, stood right next to me the whole conversation. So there's an idea for closeness, have GD call me everyday! I get a double bonus, talk to her and have H close to me!
Today the new dog arrives. Now, I really like our dogs, and talk about unconditional love, that's where I get mine from! But I don't think we need a 4th dog, but H said he wanted this one from his XSIL and her husband. So they drive across half the country and called last night and will be here today. H didn't tell me anymore, so I hope when they set up an arrival time today someone lets me know too.
Speaking of unconditional love, how do you give it without letting someone take advantage of you? Our wedding song spoke of unconditional love. Love without expectations? Love like you have to use it up or it will spoil but the pot is never empty?
I have a chance to take a 5 day pretty cheap trip with a few friends next week. I would like to go, just not sure how I feel leaving H at home to roam, not that he doesn't have free run even when I am home. And if he would think it is retaliation for his last trip, and that would give him more fuel to feed the fire. Fanning the embers to a flame is great, but fuel for a big blow is not. It sure would be a great GAL, and a 180. Heck, maybe he'd even want to come along?
All that talk about grandkid stuff, I'm not that old! Still got a few years to go before the big five0. My mind thinks I'm young.....
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: Speaking of unconditional love, how do you give it without letting someone take advantage of you? Our wedding song spoke of unconditional love. Love without expectations? Love like you have to use it up or it will spoil but the pot is never empty?
I've been thinking about this, too. I think it means loving without expectation but without being a victim as well. I mean, you can give without expecting anything in return, but if you are not respected as a human being, that's not OK because that's a basic part of coexistence--for couples, for families, for societies. Does that make sense?
Of course, that raises questions like, "If you want respect, why are you with someone who is treating you poorly?" I guess my answer is that I know he can treat me well and I'm working to create the conditions where he will choose to treat me well. Eventually, if that never happens, I will move on, but for now, I'm giving it a shot.
I can relate to the PMA roller coaster - up one day and down in the dumps for no apparent reason the next. Recognising the fact, and making allowances for it, is a huge advantage. These days, when my PMA is low, and I see things negatively, I get the old filters out and do not react till my PMA is back up again
Quote: I have a chance to take a 5 day pretty cheap trip with a few friends next week. I would like to go, just not sure how I feel leaving H at home to roam, not that he doesn't have free run even when I am home. And if he would think it is retaliation for his last trip, and that would give him more fuel to feed the fire. Fanning the embers to a flame is great, but fuel for a big blow is not. It sure would be a great GAL, and a 180. Heck, maybe he'd even want to come along?
Oooh - I hate to say this, but I remember these feelings too Wanting to do my own thing and have some uncomplicated fun, but worried that NG would see it as license for his version of fun - gosh, what a mess it was. The question is, would this trip be for you to take a break, or for you to draw H closer? Sounds like he will do what he wants to do anyway, so this may in fact be a non-issue. What do you want for yourself, WCW?
I think you should go. Have you gone on a trip alone or with friends since this mess with H? Would going on this trip be doing something different? A 180 perhaps? I just really think you should go and do your best to forget about things for a few days. I think it would help so much. I don't understand the details and complications, so this is just my opinion.
Love and respect, there’s those things in the marriage vows that seem to be on the back burner if not totally fried away. Is it possible to put fresh juice in the pot and bring it back to usable? It sure has proved to be challenging.
AMD, I think I’ve said about the same thing somewhere in a post, maybe in someone else’s. I figure here and now I still need to keep trying to put this all back in a good spot, and if it still doesn’t work I have the rest of my life to move on.
Slowly, Howdy! I AM young, not just at heart! It sure doesn’t feel like I can possibly be as old as the calendar says I am (which is still very young). The only hint I have is that people always said the older you get the faster time goes….and it sure does fly! I’ve really been trying not to let H’s attitude affect my PMA so much. It still does, but I remind myself that HIS attitude isn’t always affected by me. If he comes home in a bad mood and distant, it’s probably not my fault and I just be me and let him be however he wants. He did make some rotten comment the other night while I was cleaning the kitchen table, can’t even remember what it was, and I just looked at him but never said a word, and all of a sudden he had a different tone in his voice.
This trip – it would be a ME ME ME trip. I haven’t gone anywhere fun on my own for years. Once was July and that was overnight to volunteer with an organization we are both involved in. The other time was to stay with my sister for a week after she had surgery, that was 8(?) years ago. There has been a few business trips I had to go on, a few days here and there. What I would love to do is not say a word about it, just leave that day and not come home, and see if H would even notice I’m gone. He wouldn’t call either, it would be that stubborn thing, and he can have pretty long ears when it comes to that! Kind of like getting back at him for all the misery he’s caused me by not coming home until whenever he feels like it, or always threatening to leave and I don’t know when he’d come back. So having said that, it won’t happen that way if I do go. The trip would mostly be because it is a chance to go see some things that I haven’t had the opportunity to do yet in this ‘short’ life I’ve led. It would be fun! It would be something that H would enjoy seeing also, and there would be room for him to come along. But after the trip we just had and how he’s been since we got home, I just don’t know right now if I want to spend that much time with him so close and if I’d like him along even if there is other people too, so I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. I can’t say that it would be anything that would draw H closer, or that it would be another wedge between us either. My concern is that he might consider it ‘retaliation’ for the trip he just took. Outwardly he wouldn’t care either way, and what he would be thinking on the inside or emotionally I won’t have access to those thoughts. So, I will most likely do the right thing, tell H about and ask if he would like to go also, and then make sure there is arrangements made for me and him and everything at home if he does want to come. I’m not 100% sure yet, but I’m really leaning towards going. And I just won a bonus prize from work that would cover almost half the trip! There! That’s what I think I want!
Daily life continues. Didn’t hear from H or anyone all day yesterday, and thought I would have heard some kind of plan about the new dog. So, after work, get this! – I went to a tanning bed. Never done that in my life, but there is a place I drive by everyday that is having a $2.00 sale. So I stopped, and ‘tanned’. I might even go back some more until you can tell a difference, as long as it stays on sale anyway. I figure I can save $2.00 by cutting back on lunches again, which I need to do anyway. When I drove in the driveway at home there was H’s XSIL and her H, and their dog. I got out and went to greet them, and let our dogs out and they all met, and did their dog stuff, and we yacked a while, and then H drove in. Now this was about 4pm, I’m not sure I remember the last time he’s been home that early. Weird, especially for a Thursday, was it special enough to come see XSIL and ow had to be left alone? The couple didn’t stay too long, they said goodbye to their beloved dog and cried and drove away to spend the night with other relatives in a neighboring state. So now we have 4 dogs. This poor dog was pretty scared and confused, he had been an only dog with just 2 people in his life. Boy is HE in for a change of life! The dog was nervous, and wouldn’t let us touch him and he wouldn’t come inside. HHmm, now what? So we went about our normal business, H went off to do something, I did chores and had a couple horses to ride, and H eventually wandered to the barn where I was. Still couldn’t get his hands on the dog. He walked back to the house with all the dogs, I finished up riding and went to the house, he still couldn’t coax the dog inside. I opened the car door, the dog jumped in, and I put a leash on him. Dog was just fine after that!
H was a little friendlier last night, at least we had some conversation, and actually sat at the table at the same time and had some soup. My back is sooooo sore, and before I went to bed I offered to trade back rubs again if he wanted too, but he never took the offer.
I/we are invited to ride with a group of folks on Saturday, and if it stays this nice I think I will. I can get some stuff done at home tonight and in the morning, and then go have some fun. Don’t know if H will join us or if he even remembers, should I remind him? I suppose, I’ll do the right thing again. Geez, I’m tired of always being responsible and thoughtful. Maybe someday………H will appreciate me again………He did say thanks this morning for the flavored coffee I bought for him, just before he walked off to the shower to avoid me again before I left today.
Is it possible that he feels guilty and embarrassed by his theatrical actions from last Friday night? I’m trying to think how I would feel if I did something that stupid. Is that why he’s so far away again this week? I don’t know, can’t figure him out, get on with my business.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Wanting to do my own thing and have some uncomplicated fun, but worried that NG would see it as license for his version of fun - gosh, what a mess it was. The question is, would this trip be for you to take a break, or for you to draw H closer? Sounds like he will do what he wants to do anyway, so this may in fact be a non-issue. What do you want for yourself, WCW?
I’ve really been trying not to let H’s attitude affect my PMA so much. It still does, but I remind myself that HIS attitude isn’t always affected by me. If he comes home in a bad mood and distant, it’s probably not my fault and I just be me and let him be however he wants. He did make some rotten comment the other night while I was cleaning the kitchen table, can’t even remember what it was, and I just looked at him but never said a word, and all of a sudden he had a different tone in his voice. 
Maybe someday………H will appreciate me again………He did say thanks this morning for the flavored coffee I bought for him, just before he walked off to the shower to avoid me again before I left today.